Topic : Balancing Marriage and Family

I have been married for a year and a half now to my second husband.  This is his first marriage.  We were friends first for 3 years or so before becoming involved in a romatic way, got engaged, then married.  Long story short and simple, when I was his best friend, it appeared his family loved and adored me and would always tease my now husband, you need to hook up with her!  It appears that the very moment we announced our engagement and throughout the entire marriage now, his family has done a complete 360.  I feel that they "resent" me for taking their son/brother away from them.  We have never excluded ourselves from family gatherings and visit often, however, my husband was 32 still living at home with his mom before we got married so I do realize his time spent at home with his mom and the other siblings that gather there weekly, has decreased drastically since he's got a new life with me and my 11 year old son.  Over the course of the last two years, his mother has displayed extreme jealousy torwards me.  Some of the time, this behavior is not verbalized, by you know how when you walk in a room, you can just feel the tension?  Well, lots of times it like that, but then some of the time there are very sarcastic remarks made by family members to imply that we are "strangers" because we are not there all the time.  Personally, I think his family is a tad bit dysfunctional.  Let me mention that my husband's mother lives on the same street as one of her son's, two of her daughters, and one grandson.  Literally  next door and across the street.  If you are standing in the living room at his mom's house you can look across the street to one of the daughter's house into her living room!  There are absolutely zero healthy boundaries in all of these homes.  Everyone just walks into each others house without even knocking!  I'm sorry, but just a little too close for comfort for me!  My husband is one of 10 children and I always tell him that the healthy siblings moved away from that street!  Well, this is my problem now:  most recently there was a family wedding and my husband and I were not invited because the bride did not want ME there!  She told me she simply did not like me and my husband could go to the wedding but not me.  Well, for me, this was the last straw and last insult I was willing to take.  I went to my mother in law and had a one-on-one with her because as head of her family I felt I owed her an explanation as to why I was going to take a healthy "timeout" from attending all future family functions.  I was trying to honor and respect her because she is my mother in law, but I was unwilling to be present at future gatherings with so much unwelcomeness by her and her family.  I spoke from my heart with love and did not present it to her in a way that I was disrespectful.  It was painful for her to hear all of this, but it was actually a relief for both of us to finally get this on the table.  I think we both felt a huge weight lifted off of our shoulders.  Two days later, one of my sister in laws called my home, spoke to my husband, and implied to him that their mother was in bad health that particular weekend due to the stress that I had caused their mother!  Hell, I'm probably the first healthy in law that has ever had the courage to approach this family with truth told in love!  Well, there is so much crap to this story that I could go on for hours, but this is my question to anyone out there who may be struggling with the "in laws"  How do I survive this marriage when I don't want to be part of my in law family gatherings but my husband does???  I know it sounds simple...just don't go and let him go.  But I guess I am just so sad that I always thought I'd share that part of my husband's life with him.  Anyone else having a similar situation? 

Today was probably the saddest I have ever felt that didn't involve someone dying.  My husband and I have been together for many years.....almost twenty but we are late in life parents.  We had pretty much given up on the hope of having children.  I am handicapped and although I was never told I couldn't have children....it just didn't happen.  Three years ago we were blessed with being able to adopt a little boy.  He is the absolute light of my life and right now I can honestly say the only reason I smile.   My husband that I used to think loved me doesn't.  He would never say that.....he doesn't have to.  His actions speak volumes.  I don't even think he LIKES me anymore.....He would treat a stranger better than he treats me sometimes.  Mind you this is a man that has NEVER physically abused me.  Someone that most people consider to be a gentle person.  But his words have cut me to the core.  Today at the grocery store he did something that I couldn't believe.  He got paged to go to work (it turned out to be nothing.....he didn't even go).  He told me he would meet me at the checkout.....I assumed he was taking our son with him...........WRONG!!!!!   He left me and a three year old abandoned  in the produce section.  As I mentioned I am handicapped and I have to use a wheelchair.............HE LEFT US!!!!  I couldn't believe it!   Tears just started coming out of my eyes......my little boy was calling "DADDY!"  People were looking at me with so much pity.........and I hate that really.....even though it was well meant.  I wanted to light in to my husband right then and there but I didn't (trying to take Dr. Phil's advice about not fighting in front of the kid) but it took every bit of restraint I had.  Then the tears just started coming and my husband started yelling at me telling me to "Hush that he hadn't done anything to cause me to act like that".....that's how he is.....it's ALWAYS my fault.....he never takes responsibility.......I can't get mad......I'm not even allowed to cry.  Like I said....That little boy is my only reason for smiling. 

I love my husband very much and he is very good with my daughter (his stepdaughter),  The problem I am having is when she does something he doesn't like I take the blunt of his anger.  He won't tell her a thing.  I might also add that he is an alcoholic which doesn't help.  We are basically healthy family.  But Dr. Phil on your last show I watched you said you made a Life Change with your father because of the alcohalism and I would like to know exactly how to do this with my husband and help my daughter do the same. 

thank you,