Topic : Balancing Marriage and Family
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March 18, 2006, 4:06 pm PST
 Quote From: wamilpres I am a 31 y/o mother of 2. My husband and I have been married for 12 years. My husband says he loves me but for the past couple of years I've felt that the love is beginning to dwindle. I'm beginning to wonder if he isn't just trying to convince himself that he loves me for fear of failure or for the sake of the children. I truly feel I love him, I am devoted to him, our home, and our children but I sense that he no longer feels the same. I'm not sure it makes much sense, but I find myself searching for what I might've done wrong and I guess I hold out hope that I can fix things in some way before everything falls apart. I feel like the only way to make things right with him is to put my pride and dignity aside and allow his family to walk all over me. I have been allowing this for many years but recently I've reached a point where I can not take any more insults from them. He does not defend me or demand respect for me from anyone, and so the other day, when I was faced with insults from his mother, I spoke up for myself. The bottom line is, he says I was right for speaking up, but his behavior since then says that he is resentful for what I've done. Maybe I'm wrong for trying to gauge his love for me based on this, but now all of the sudden, he's angry with me. All these years, I've been thinking that he just avoids confrontation of any sort and I've excused his lack of action as just being his personality, but now I see that isn't the case because he is more than willing to defend his family even when they are wrong. Isn't that love? And why am I not deserving of it? Was I ever and if so, what was different then? As I look back on the problems we've encountered throughout our marriage, most everything seems to revolve around his mother and his sisters. I truly and honestly feel like I have done so much for these people and taken a lot of crap from them. From day one, I wished so much to have a good relationship with his family. Even when they said very hurtful things to me, I always just let things go. I had hopes that they would one day realize that I'm a good person and that it will not harm them to let me into their family. Too much has happened over our 12 years of marriage for me to list everything so this is just a small sampling. For the past few months it seemed like things were finally on the right track with my MIL, she was coming around, spending weekends with us, etc. So a few days ago we were talking, and she confided some things to me about her ex-husband's infidelity, she told me that years after her divorce some of her girlfriends came to her with stories that her husband had approached them in a sexual way while they were married and that she was more upset that her friends hadn't told her this before. She told me that her exhusband was very sneaky and mentioned that she felt one of her sons-in-law had a similar personality. I, in turn, felt I had to mention a situation that I'd been faced with recently when my brother-in-law said some pretty vulgar things to me. My husband was fully aware of this situation from the time it occurred. Him and I had thought to just let it go to keep the peace in the family. I told her all of this and that it was a very awkward situation to be put in because no one wants to be the cause of anyone's pain. At that moment she started cracking up and made a complete 180. She said he was probably joking, that men only do this to women they feel they can get away with doing it to, that all I have to do is be firm and turn him down enough times and he will eventually stop, she asked my husband if he really bought my story. My husband said nothing. He stayed quiet through everything. I finally told her that she was saying very offensive things to me and I got up and left. We have not heard a word from her in two weeks now. Not an apology, nothing. Whatever, I feel good for speaking up for once and I figure sooner or later she will have to get over it. My husband and I talked and he said he agreed with me. As time goes by, he's becoming very distant, he walks in from work and says hello to the children and the animals but not me, he's very critical of everything I do. When I ask him if he's unhappy about something he doesn't answer me. So I believe the true problem lies between him and I and that's what I'm most concerned about. I don't feel like he's behaving in a loving way and I'm worried about what it all means. I feel like he would rather see me angry or upset than his family. I can't help but wonder: Has all of these years of enduring problems with his family finally taken a toll on our marriage? How much more of this can our relationship withstand? I would very much appreciate some input on how to deal with this without sacrificing my marriage or my dignity.
Hi there. I wanted to just chime in with a thing or two. First of all, I agree with everyone here that your hubby needs to get a spine. Maybe what has been said about him being the man of the family after his dad left is true but he still is now supposed to be your defender. You and your children are his family now and you deserve his protection from his families issues. Mostly though, I would like to add to that something about the story you told your MIL about her son, the brother-in-law that made a pass at you. It do not believe in her mind she was doing a 180, what she was doing was defending her son. First of all, the BIL that said these things should be the one to be told exactly how it is not to be tolerated, preferably by his brother, your hubby. If my brother ever said anything like that to my g/f I would not be out of his face until he knew in no uncertain terms just how disgusting a person he was for doing that and he would be apologizing to her until I felt he had attoned. Second, any mother is going to at first blush defend her son. She took his side and looked back to you as the cause. I am not saying it was the right thing to do based on what the BIL did but I believe it is what happened. Your BIL made a really, really bad choice in coming to you with whatever vulgar comments he made. That was his choice. I am not sure of his age or anything but I assume he is an adult. Your hubby needs to take him to task. Your MIL is not responsible for his actions, he is. Telling your MIL something like this, possibly expecting her to do something about it, was, in my opinion not a good choice either. She has already demonstrated in the past that she doesn't trust you, pushing this out there just added more fuel to the fire. If I were your hubby I would go to BIL, make him repent and then have the BIL explain to MIL that he had done it and was sorry. Barring any of that happening, don't expect MIL to come back anytime soon. She doesn't believe her other son could do something like that, thinks you are a liar and why would she want to be around a liar? Hubby needs to get a spine and fix this, now. You say you had agreed to keep this from the rest of the family to keep the peace. Did you break that promise and say this to MIL anyway to see if she would do something? Maybe your hubby doesn't trust you now. Maybe he is hurt that you would even think about putting this out there when you both had agreed it was not to be. You have to look first to yourself and your responsibility in this. Always, no matter what the situation. If you broke that promise, apologize and explain your ownership of that. I would then later approach him with "I" statements like, "I feel hurt because I do not feel you are standing up for me with your family. I feel frustrated with the situation because it is just sitting here unresolved. You are a better person than this. I love you and require your help to fix this. You are my husband and have been my life for 12 years and we need to work this out. I feel alone, exhausted and depressed because this is a constant source of pain in my life". Something along those lines to get the ball rolling between you and he about your family relations. Find what you are doing first and foremost. Get Self Matters or Relationship Rescue by the good doc and read. Best Wishes Tim |
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March 20, 2006, 11:24 am PST
Quote From: nicolem29 If he hasn't given you a reason as to why he's not happy with you, you can't blame yourself! As for the mother in law issues, maybe she is afraid that the same thing will happen to her children that happened to her and wants to protect them, but quite honestly it sounds like you have a mother in law from hell. Have you ever considered going to marriage counselling to reslove the issues between you and your husband? Thanks for your response. Yes, I do have the mother-in-law from hell. It takes everything in me to continue to dodge her insults. I do it because she's my husband's mother, and she is my children's grandmother. That's it. I am currently in individual therapy and I would love to go to marriage counseling. I would even feel good if he went for individual therapy himself. My husband grew up with learning disabilities and his mother did everything for him, she treated him like an invalid to the point that I think he believes he is one. To top things off, in a high school vocational aptitude test he was told that the most he would ever be is a janitor. So now he is out to prove everyone wrong. He has more than exceeded everyone's expectations, but he's never satisfied, he can never see what he's done right. His self-esteem is in serious need of repair and I think this has a lot to do with why he can't speak up and defend himself or me. It's ironic because, I think he wants to be able to defend himself and his family, but instead of taking steps to achieve that, he takes every martial arts class you can imagine, he buys guns and amunition, orders the most complicated home alarm system when we live in the country, etc. To me it is so obvious that there's an issue there that he needs to fix individually first. Of course, I can't say that to him because than I cause more damage if I make him feel like he's not living up to my expectations. He will just feel like he has failed me. I really don't want that. So, in answer to your question, I'm not sure that marriage counseling should be our first step, but definitely an option I am considering. |
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March 20, 2006, 2:41 pm PST
Quote From: fischertc Hi there. I wanted to just chime in with a thing or two. First of all, I agree with everyone here that your hubby needs to get a spine. Maybe what has been said about him being the man of the family after his dad left is true but he still is now supposed to be your defender. You and your children are his family now and you deserve his protection from his families issues. Mostly though, I would like to add to that something about the story you told your MIL about her son, the brother-in-law that made a pass at you. It do not believe in her mind she was doing a 180, what she was doing was defending her son. First of all, the BIL that said these things should be the one to be told exactly how it is not to be tolerated, preferably by his brother, your hubby. If my brother ever said anything like that to my g/f I would not be out of his face until he knew in no uncertain terms just how disgusting a person he was for doing that and he would be apologizing to her until I felt he had attoned. Second, any mother is going to at first blush defend her son. She took his side and looked back to you as the cause. I am not saying it was the right thing to do based on what the BIL did but I believe it is what happened. Your BIL made a really, really bad choice in coming to you with whatever vulgar comments he made. That was his choice. I am not sure of his age or anything but I assume he is an adult. Your hubby needs to take him to task. Your MIL is not responsible for his actions, he is. Telling your MIL something like this, possibly expecting her to do something about it, was, in my opinion not a good choice either. She has already demonstrated in the past that she doesn't trust you, pushing this out there just added more fuel to the fire. If I were your hubby I would go to BIL, make him repent and then have the BIL explain to MIL that he had done it and was sorry. Barring any of that happening, don't expect MIL to come back anytime soon. She doesn't believe her other son could do something like that, thinks you are a liar and why would she want to be around a liar? Hubby needs to get a spine and fix this, now. You say you had agreed to keep this from the rest of the family to keep the peace. Did you break that promise and say this to MIL anyway to see if she would do something? Maybe your hubby doesn't trust you now. Maybe he is hurt that you would even think about putting this out there when you both had agreed it was not to be. You have to look first to yourself and your responsibility in this. Always, no matter what the situation. If you broke that promise, apologize and explain your ownership of that. I would then later approach him with "I" statements like, "I feel hurt because I do not feel you are standing up for me with your family. I feel frustrated with the situation because it is just sitting here unresolved. You are a better person than this. I love you and require your help to fix this. You are my husband and have been my life for 12 years and we need to work this out. I feel alone, exhausted and depressed because this is a constant source of pain in my life". Something along those lines to get the ball rolling between you and he about your family relations. Find what you are doing first and foremost. Get Self Matters or Relationship Rescue by the good doc and read. Best Wishes Tim Thanks for the response. The brother-in-law I was referring to is not her son, it is her daughter's husband. Sorry for not being more specific. The guy cheated on my SIL one month in to their relationship. The guy is bad news all the way around. He has a criminal record, a drug habit, he admits he has genital herpes, he doesn't work ever since his daughter (from a previous marriage) became disabled in a recent car accident. He, his daughter, and his grandson, have all moved in to my SIL's house and are all living off of her. Really, I don't care what my SIL chooses for her life but I find it repulsive that he would even think to approach another woman, much less me, a relative. And even knowing all of this, my mother-in-law opts for giving him the benefit of the doubt over me! I am in complete shock, disgust, and disappointment. I take responsibility for discussing this with the wrong person, my MIL. But I never expected this to turn out like this. So no, I was not telling her this to test my relationship with my husband. Possibly to test my relationship with her, but not with him, and certainly not on a concious level. I do know first hand that this is a difficult thing to handle and I understand that her daughter is at the center of all this and so, this puts my MIL in a position where she has to decide whether or not to tell her daughter this. And if she tells her, she knows her daughter is stupid and will just get angry at everyone else (much like her own mother). Really, she is faced with the same issue we were faced with. What to do? I guess it was easier to attack me. As far as me breaking a promise to my husband, I don't think that was the case. I think we agreed that we did not want to create any conflict out of this but we were both not sure how to handle things so we just kept quiet about it. Honestly, I did not think that talking to my MIL would create any conflict. I really felt that she might actually help in some way. Especially since she started out saying she didn't trust her son-in-law either. Who knew her position would change completely. Really, after taking so many insults from her, I almost feel like they all deserve what they get, and I know this man will cheat if he hasn't already. But my relationship with my husband is my main concern. My husband was not angry that I told her about this, I think he became bothered when I defended myself. I think that he would prefer me to stick my head in the sand like everyone else. That's how his family handles problems. I do analize and question my own actions, I am in therapy and doing the best I can to charge along and live in a way that is pleasing to God. I have read the books you mentioned as well as countless others and I do my best to apply them to my everyday life. Thus, I am here sharing this with you. I live by Dr. Phil's methods, it's just that sometimes we need a different perspective of the way we view things. I thank you for giving yours. |
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March 20, 2006, 9:00 pm PST
Quote From: tierd5 I feel like a single mom of 4 kids but the last time I checked I only went through 3 labors. My husband wont clean up after himself or anything. He says that his job is really hard and that I don't have anything better to do. I have a son who was diagnosed with ADHD and Aspergers syndrome he sees a psychiatrist once a month and sometimes more depending on his mood. I have to drive an hour to take him. I also have a daughter who is having a real hard time with school and a daughter with asthma. With all of this to deal with it would be nice to have a husband who would be supportive in the things I do. I have told him that I am tired of him not listening to my problems and always wanting me to feel sorry for him, and that I am seriously thinking about divorce, but he doesn't even seem to realize that I am serious. I know that the man wont even consider counseling, because he thinks there's nothing wrong. What am I to do? I just wanted to let you know that you are not in this baot alone. I am a mother of 4 and i feel that at times i am married to a paycheck. My husband runs the farm at the local jr college and has a farm of our own and has a side job af breeding cattle. I can relate to the lonely feeling that you have. All i can say is hang in there. And just contuine to be honest with him and tell him verbaly how you feel. Don't say "you.....and you this....." tell him "I....... and I......" that's the best advise i can give you. Chin up and smile!!
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March 21, 2006, 6:41 am PST
Quote From: iggifat Been there. Been there. My first husband did nothing to defend me from his insulting father. I could write a book. Eventually I realized I had no choice - I stood up to out-law and told him how it was, told him everything I thought my husband should have been telling him, and oh yeah it caused problems, but I had to protect myself and my sanity. I have a very loving, accepting family and I didn't need this. I had my family to turn to. However, here I am 8 yrs post-divorce, and the same insulting ex-FIL is one of my greatest defenders now for he appreciates how much strength I had to muster over those years and we speak weekly to this day.
Your in-laws may be "difficult" but your Hubby needs to defend u, the mother of his children. As long as he backs down to his family, u don't stand a chance. U need to stop worrying about everyone else's feeling and invest all of this BS energy into your kids - they are the only ones deserving of your concern at this point..
After 12 yrs do u honestly think any of this behavior is going to change? Big Whoop if Hubby's mad . After all these years, aren't u good and mad?? He is incapable of conflict and you know it so don't expect him to change now. Please don't let these ppl victimize u any longer - God Bless I know that you're right. I just need to gather the strength to stand up for my self and patience as my husband gets used to the new me. Thanks for your encouragement.
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March 21, 2006, 7:56 am PST
Quote From: rascals3 They should not be able to get away with being rude and what not toward you. You are his wife and he should defend you and that is a problem on his part. What his reasons are for not defending you I'm not sure, but I would not believe it has anything to do with you. I'm taking a stab in the dark, but I would say that he is like that with them because when MIL's ex-husband got the boot, your husband probably became the little man of the house. He probably still feels the need to protect his mother and sister from everything. Something he needs to work though. If this is true then he logically sees your point and that you are right, but is still upset about it and nit picking to justify being upset with you. As far as the relationship with your MIL. My suggestion would be to play dirty and kill her with kindness. If that sacrifices your dignity, then don't do it. I would not trust her, confide in her, or share anything personnel with her. Invite her over for dinner. If she criticizes your cooking look at her with a big smile on your face and tell her she looks nice today. When she insults you smile in her face and compliment her. This is so childish I know, but at the same time she is trying to get to you. If you just sit there looking upset, or even better in her mind I'd bet when she gets a reaction out of you. I would ask your husband to go to counseling with you because things seem a little rocky in your marriage and the problem needs to be discovered before it becomes too destructive. When he doesn't answer you, do you say anything after that? Hope this smooths over, Meg I love the way you think! It's funny that you say "kill her with kindness", I am known for saying that to people. In this case though, I think 12 years of kindness have not killed her yet, so I'm going for a different approach. She's going to know that she offended me and that I won't accept it. You're right about my husband there are defenitely thinks he needs to work through. I really think he does see the logic behind what upsets me. But all of these years he has made me feel like I'm not of this planet because I show emotion. So much so, that I find myself here talking to complete strangers trying to gauge if I'm completely nuts, or is what his mother's saying offensive. When I posted my original message, I wasn't even sure if it was right for me to feel like he should defend me to his mother. In theory I knew it. I've heard the Dr. say it enough times, but I had my husband trying to tell me otherwise for 12 years! It makes it very difficult. When I try to ask him if he's unhappy about something, he usually does what he knows best: suppress and ignore and it will just go away. He does not answer me and I usually let him be. I try to be considerate and give him time to sort out his feelings. I have found in the past that if I continue to pry we end up in a huge argument and we end up saying things we regret. With time, usually he goes back to acting like himself, but many things tend to go undiscussed and unresolved. So we live them over, and over, and over. Last night we finally had a discussion about this most recent issue. I told him that I posted a message here to get unbiased feedback and I think as he was reading the responses everyone posted, he realized he could not tell me anymore that I am not normal for wanting him to defend me, and more over, he couldn't say that his mother's behavior isn't that bad. I don't know how long it will last, but his whole attitude changed. It's almost like before he was not sure what was right or wrong himself. He grew up around the same sort of attitude that you avoid conflict at all cost so really, I don't think it is intentional on his part, it is just the only way he knows to be. After reading all of the postings, it made sense to him. He said to me that it bothers him that his mother hasn't picked up the phone to make an appology to me. He was ready to call her and tell her how it is. Although I appreciate his effort in wanting to make things right, I'm not so sure he should do that this time. Maybe next time he can be consistant from the beginning. I feel like my MIL will see a change in his behavior and think I'm manipulating him against her. On one hand I don't care what she thinks, on the other, I don't want her to accumulate more bad feelings about me or to think her son is easily influenced. I guess I just don't see much good in that. I want her to know in no uncertain terms that my husband will not accept that sort of behavior from her. That it is that way, because he loves me, not because I put him up to it. I think that's the only way this will have an impact with her. Anyways, I think we've taken a step in the right direction. I hope you know how much your words have helped. Thank you.
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March 21, 2006, 9:39 am PST
Quote From: nicolem29 I'm 29 years old and have been married for just over 9 years. I am a mother of 4 wonderful kids, ages Brooke 7, Ben 5, Claire 3, & Shane 15 months. My husband and I both have full time jobs, so what little time we have to spare goes towards our young children. After we get the kids to bed at night we're so tired that either we go to bed or watch television for awhile. I feel like a terrible wife because I haven't been able to make time for my husband. We've accepted the fact that we just can't go out at nights, at least not now at the age the kids are at. My only worry is that my husband and I will grow apart because we're never together. It's get so bad, that I've found myself grocery shopping at 2a.m. on a Friday night! Thank god for 24 hour grocery stores! I realise that alot of people are in this situation, and I was just wondering if anyone had any tips on getting more time? Thanks! I grew up with a younger sister that is a severe asthmatic. We had a couple of instances when we almost lost her as a child and finally they gave her a treatment machine to use on a regular basis. She is now 23 years old. To this day, she carries her treatment machine everywhere she goes and uses it 2 or 3 times a day. Does your child use a machine? I'm just wondering if it would make you feel better if he/she did a treatment before you leave them with a sitter. Maybe the Pediatrician could give you some reassurance and some pointers about leaving your asthmatic child. I think you will need to take baby steps, maybe going for short stretches of time, leaving your children at your home with someone. Or sending them to a friend's or cousin's house to play while you and your husband spend time alone at home. I would start with that, at least until you feel more confident that the person you leave your children with, will follow your instructions. If you try to leave them for too long too soon, I'm not sure you will enjoy your time away without worrying anyways. But it is good to learn to trust in people. What if something were to happen to you? Even if you were just sick. Your existance on this earth isn't guaranteed from day to day you know. While no one takes care of children like their own parents, you should want your kids to get to know, love, and trust others. But you have to be able to do that first.Go for quality rather than quantity at first. But do go out with your husband. I know it seems like there's not enough hours in the day to do all you have to do. But this is all a passing phase. It does get better. For now, enlist help, whether it is paid, friends or family. You won't let anyone down by doing so. Your children will grow up all too soon and you and your husband don't want to find yourselves complete strangers to eachother after your children leave your home. You have to do what's good for you too.
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March 21, 2006, 11:17 am PST
I just recently joined this site a few days ago because I have been having some problems with my wife. I am 27 years old and have been married for 2 and ½ years. We have one very cute 15 month old girl named Eleanor and we have one more coming in October. My problem is that I feel I am drifting away from my wife and just shut down when I am around her. I don’t want to be like this because its just no way to act and feel in front of my daughter, and I want to teach her the proper way to act in a relationship instead of what I am doing. The problem has sort of been a long time coming but I seem to have ignored it for awhile. Finally it has become to much.
I have not liked the way that my wife treats me for a long time. Using a Dr. Phil word, she sometimes exhibits a “warmonger” attitude. By saying this I mean that she likes to push my buttons just to get me to react because she knows that I won’t. She has even told me straight out that she picks at me just to get me to say something and this is just not the way that I relate. Never has been. And the more she does this the more I close up. As Garrison Keilor would point out, this might be because of my Lutheran upbringing. Anyhow, it has started to eat away at how I feel towards her to the point that I am feeling like just getting away from her. I never thought that I could feel such a thing and I don’t ever want to be away from my daughter, but I feel like I could explode sometimes, and I will not do that in front of my daughter. I apologize if I’m rambling but I felt I really needed to get this out.
I do love my wife and I my child but I just don’t want to go home from work most days. And I don’t like work that much. I have talked to her about it, but it does not seem to have made a difference. It’s sort of part of her personality and I feel that in order for her to change that she would have to remind herself about not doing it everyday, and I guess I wonder if that’s fair to ask. The other part of the problem is that I seem to not be able to fully explain how it is that I am feeling such as now. I don’t seem to have the “vocabulary” and that makes things even worse. There is a lot more that I would like to share but I don’t want over do it. Thank you so much for any help or comments that you might be able to give me. |
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March 21, 2006, 1:31 pm PST
Quote From: just2128 I just recently joined this site a few days ago because I have been having some problems with my wife. I am 27 years old and have been married for 2 and ½ years. We have one very cute 15 month old girl named Eleanor and we have one more coming in October. My problem is that I feel I am drifting away from my wife and just shut down when I am around her. I don’t want to be like this because its just no way to act and feel in front of my daughter, and I want to teach her the proper way to act in a relationship instead of what I am doing. The problem has sort of been a long time coming but I seem to have ignored it for awhile. Finally it has become to much.
I have not liked the way that my wife treats me for a long time. Using a Dr. Phil word, she sometimes exhibits a “warmonger” attitude. By saying this I mean that she likes to push my buttons just to get me to react because she knows that I won’t. She has even told me straight out that she picks at me just to get me to say something and this is just not the way that I relate. Never has been. And the more she does this the more I close up. As Garrison Keilor would point out, this might be because of my Lutheran upbringing. Anyhow, it has started to eat away at how I feel towards her to the point that I am feeling like just getting away from her. I never thought that I could feel such a thing and I don’t ever want to be away from my daughter, but I feel like I could explode sometimes, and I will not do that in front of my daughter. I apologize if I’m rambling but I felt I really needed to get this out.
I do love my wife and I my child but I just don’t want to go home from work most days. And I don’t like work that much. I have talked to her about it, but it does not seem to have made a difference. It’s sort of part of her personality and I feel that in order for her to change that she would have to remind herself about not doing it everyday, and I guess I wonder if that’s fair to ask. The other part of the problem is that I seem to not be able to fully explain how it is that I am feeling such as now. I don’t seem to have the “vocabulary” and that makes things even worse. There is a lot more that I would like to share but I don’t want over do it. Thank you so much for any help or comments that you might be able to give me. Do you think your wife might be resentful about something? I guess I'm trying to figure out where her anger towards you is coming from. I'm not so sure that it is just part of her personality, I think something has made her this way and certainly she is capable of change. People that behave like this are usually just in desperate need of love, reassurance, and attention. Add to that some pregnancy hormones and WHAMO! It can be very difficult to live with and to love someone like that, but she is your wife and you have to see this through much like you would any physical illness. With love, patience, compassion and understanding. That is what you committed to do when you married her. I'm not sure your instinct to pull away has much to do with your Lutheran upbringing. This is a well known man's instinct that date's back to cavemen. Many therapists would say you retreat to your cave until the danger has passed. And although it is very common and normal, it doesn't solve anything. Even though your wife is choosing the wrong way to communicate a need or a fear, I hope you are listening for what is under all of that and not dismissing what is at the core. Do you think she wants to establish some power in your household? Is she is testing your love? Do you think she could use some time for herself? What a gift that would be if you surprised her with a day of pampering just for her or better yet, take her on a date and romance her. I know that would melt my heart. As the good doc would say, be the hero, give your relationship what it needs. Don't wait for her to take the first step. You will all reap the rewards, and your children will too. Wish you and your family all the best. |
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March 21, 2006, 1:39 pm PST
Quote From: just2128 I just recently joined this site a few days ago because I have been having some problems with my wife. I am 27 years old and have been married for 2 and ½ years. We have one very cute 15 month old girl named Eleanor and we have one more coming in October. My problem is that I feel I am drifting away from my wife and just shut down when I am around her. I don’t want to be like this because its just no way to act and feel in front of my daughter, and I want to teach her the proper way to act in a relationship instead of what I am doing. The problem has sort of been a long time coming but I seem to have ignored it for awhile. Finally it has become to much.
I have not liked the way that my wife treats me for a long time. Using a Dr. Phil word, she sometimes exhibits a “warmonger” attitude. By saying this I mean that she likes to push my buttons just to get me to react because she knows that I won’t. She has even told me straight out that she picks at me just to get me to say something and this is just not the way that I relate. Never has been. And the more she does this the more I close up. As Garrison Keilor would point out, this might be because of my Lutheran upbringing. Anyhow, it has started to eat away at how I feel towards her to the point that I am feeling like just getting away from her. I never thought that I could feel such a thing and I don’t ever want to be away from my daughter, but I feel like I could explode sometimes, and I will not do that in front of my daughter. I apologize if I’m rambling but I felt I really needed to get this out.
I do love my wife and I my child but I just don’t want to go home from work most days. And I don’t like work that much. I have talked to her about it, but it does not seem to have made a difference. It’s sort of part of her personality and I feel that in order for her to change that she would have to remind herself about not doing it everyday, and I guess I wonder if that’s fair to ask. The other part of the problem is that I seem to not be able to fully explain how it is that I am feeling such as now. I don’t seem to have the “vocabulary” and that makes things even worse. There is a lot more that I would like to share but I don’t want over do it. Thank you so much for any help or comments that you might be able to give me. This sounds like such a sad situation to live in every day. Since you said that it has happened gradually, and your marriage is only 2.5 years old, that must mean it has been going on ever since you have been together? Since you already have one child and another one on the way, you owe it to them to atleast try your very best to communicate to your wife exactly what your needs are. My advice is that when you approach your wife to discuss this topic, its important that you do what is called "validating" to her first. For example, it would sound something like this: "I know you love us very much, and I think you are a wonderful wife and mother, I want our marriage to work and to last forever and that is why I need to ask you to try to understand how I feel when you "a, b, and c" ..." If she becomes defensive right away, that would be very sad and it would probably mean this relationship isn't going to work much longer. Hopefully, she will want to listen and she will want to work towards creating a happy and healthy marriage with you- that would be the best case scenario. The very best thing you could do would be to seek counceling for your marriage, because having a third, unbiased party listen to both of your complaints can be so helpfull! It sounds like you could be depressed, also. Have you considered calling your Dr. and discussing that? I urge you to do that. You need to take care of yourself before you can care for anyone else. |
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