Message Boards

Topic : Balancing Marriage and Family

Number of Replies: 1244
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:00:43 pm
Author : dataimport
Adding a family means big changes in a marriage. Tell us how you've succeeded or struggled to manage both.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

August 20, 2005, 7:27 pm CDT

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: cenobia

Hi, 

Thank you for writing back.  I had a long talk with my husband last night and told him I was on the verge of really filing for a divorce if nothing changed.  He tried to excuse his behavior when we argue by saying that he is mad and things just come out.  I told him that I can not argue like that anymore and it has to stop.  That it really effects me when he says things like that, even just knowing he doesn't mean it doesn't really help much.  I also let him know that my needs aren't being met and he can no longer ignore me.  He doesn't think that he is though, so we are going to try to meet in the middle more.  Hopefully this canyon between us can be crossed.  I think he's been comfortable in where we were and hasn't realized that we've been slipping away from each other.  We'll see how it all works out. 

thanks again 

Cenobia 

Hi, I am new to the message boards.  Your husband sounds a lot like mine. I have told my husband repeatedly how I feel about his lack of effort around the house.  He will help out depending on his mood or if I finally lose it because I am so frustrated.  Believe me, divorce enters my mind frequently. I think part of the issue with the lack of help is control. My husband doesn't want to be told to do anything. I think he purposely leaves things messy or doesn't clean up after himself just to get back at me.  Maybe your husband is subconsciously doing the same. Please don't expect a miracle....your husband's behavior may improve for a while, but eventually he'll slide right back to where you started. It is such a huge committment to make marriage work and we women can't create a successful marriage alone!!   

 
August 20, 2005, 7:44 pm CDT

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: nycadiva

Hi, I am new to the message boards.  Your husband sounds a lot like mine. I have told my husband repeatedly how I feel about his lack of effort around the house.  He will help out depending on his mood or if I finally lose it because I am so frustrated.  Believe me, divorce enters my mind frequently. I think part of the issue with the lack of help is control. My husband doesn't want to be told to do anything. I think he purposely leaves things messy or doesn't clean up after himself just to get back at me.  Maybe your husband is subconsciously doing the same. Please don't expect a miracle....your husband's behavior may improve for a while, but eventually he'll slide right back to where you started. It is such a huge committment to make marriage work and we women can't create a successful marriage alone!!   

One thing that works in myhome is making a list of things that need to be done in a day/week and posting it on the refrig, thenwe can mark it off as we go and no one is told what to do. Myhusabnd does fairly well and is a wonderful father and husband but it seems that if I ask him to do something, it takes longer then if he just does it on his own. Now, we definetly do things differently and we have both accepted that, be thankful for what he doies do and I found that saying thank you and giving compliments does wonders.
 
August 31, 2005, 11:18 am CDT

Surviving kids!

I just joined the boards, and saw some posts about how to handle life with kids and a husband who doesn't help much.  My husband is basically the same as yours, but more because of the long hours he works - sometimes as much as 90 hours a week.  So he just isn't home, and when he is, he's exhausted.  Plus, he doesn't have any good models to work with from his own family and I think a lot of times he just doesn't know how to be a good dad.  But, he's doing his best so I can't complain too much, and things have gotten a lot better now that our son is 3 and easier to interact with. 

   

The thing that has really helped me is finding a support group called Mothers of Preschoolers.  I have no friends or family in this area, and being involved in MOPS (as it's called) has totally changed my life... given me friends, support, and friends for my son to play with as well.  Their website is www.mops.org.  I would like to recommend them to anyone who is struggling!  It really saved my sanity and my marriage.  

   

   

 
September 4, 2005, 4:43 am CDT

BrandyFra

Hi Brandy.  I've read all of your messages in this topic so far...  

   

It seems like mariage counselling is a great idea.  You and your husbad can't seem to agree on where the lines are and who is responsible for what, and your daughter is seeing how the two of you are arguing.    

   

Is she copying what she sees with you and your husband (you mentioned that she is rough with her baby sibling)  Also, how much structure is there with your daughter?  Does she know that A, B, and C will happen at certain points of the day?  Does she know that if she does something wrong then she will have to sit in time out for a certain amount of time or whatever?  

   

How much is your marriage issue infringing on your parenting with your daughter?  

   

These are just some of the things you need to think/ask about.  

   

I hope that things work out for you and your family.  

 
September 5, 2005, 2:55 pm CDT

At the end of my rope

I am looking for some advice or for someone who can relate and give me some feedback. I have been married for 12 years and this is my problem. My husband constantly lies and is diceiving towards me and I am at the end of my rope. The lying has been going off and on for a while now and I don't trust him anymore. This past weekend has confirmed all my fears and anxiety. He has been hanging around with an old friend who has a shady past and last night he asked me for my last  bit of money that I had on me. Ended up using it for alcohol or whatever and lied about getting the money back to me. His friend promised the money back to him and that fell through. I already have trust issues with my hubby and his friend and am starting to realize that I am the stupid one for giving the benefit of the doubt. I am at a loss and am not sure where to go from here or what the heck I am supposed to do from now on. If there is anyone out there who has been in this situation I would appreciate any advice you can give. Thanks so much.
 
September 5, 2005, 4:39 pm CDT

Shady friend...

Quote From: jyakfour

I am looking for some advice or for someone who can relate and give me some feedback. I have been married for 12 years and this is my problem. My husband constantly lies and is diceiving towards me and I am at the end of my rope. The lying has been going off and on for a while now and I don't trust him anymore. This past weekend has confirmed all my fears and anxiety. He has been hanging around with an old friend who has a shady past and last night he asked me for my last  bit of money that I had on me. Ended up using it for alcohol or whatever and lied about getting the money back to me. His friend promised the money back to him and that fell through. I already have trust issues with my hubby and his friend and am starting to realize that I am the stupid one for giving the benefit of the doubt. I am at a loss and am not sure where to go from here or what the heck I am supposed to do from now on. If there is anyone out there who has been in this situation I would appreciate any advice you can give. Thanks so much.

I was married to a man who  lied to me alot, even over stupid little things- and deceived me many, many times... Of course I ended up feeling just like you do now, like I was the stupid one for giving him the benefit of the doubt, over and over again. I made excuses for him all the time, but I couldn't make excuses for his 'shady' friends, just like your hubby- I got lied to and items stolen from me one too many times and finally became fed up. I didn't know what to do, though, and I thought long and hard about my situation and came to the conclusion that since I was the one tolerating being mistreated like this for so long, I probably could use some therepy. It was very hard to admit it, but I got the courage to make an appt. with a therepist, and I have never regretted it. Talking to another person about my home life took a huge amount of stress off of me, and being validated that it wasn't ME... I was guilty of holding onto a dream for too long. I kept wishing and hoping that things would change, but they never did. It didn't take very long from there to get the courage to move on without him. Nobody deserves to be lied to for so long!! You deserve to be happy and respected.  

 
September 7, 2005, 11:37 am CDT

Should I leave him because I cannot stand of his dog

I just got married in May this year. Instead of living as a happy couple, I have to fight for my husband spending more time with his dog.  He has this dog for more than 4 years and the dog now is about 12 year old.  He has the dog walk on the neighborhood without a leash.  The reason for him doing that is because the dog loves to being walk freely at his own pece, which is very SLOW. At the same time walking with the dog, we have to watch out for other dog on the street. His dog will jump up front to bark or attack the other dog. Sometime the dog is tired of walking on the way home, he will pick him up and put the dog in his arm and carry like a baby. Whenever he works in the garage, in his office, front or back yard, he always brings his dog beside him.  There are big pictures of the dog around the house.  In order to have extra income, we rent one room out for a student.  At the night time, my husband will leave our bedroom door not closed all the way so he can hear if the dog is barking or chocking at night.  It is nice of him to care for the dog's safety. but I have trouble to have sex with him while the door is not closed all the way. I need privacy when I am in bed.
He treats the dog like a king. I frequency feel I am the extra person and I wish I were his dog.  I am not a dog lover. It is hard for me to understand why people so in love with their dog. I really have hard time to live with this dog under the same roof.  I told my husband about my concern and difficulty to accept a dog live with us in the bedroom, on the furniture and most importantly the dog has my husband completely attention. He gave a choose the other day, accept it or leave it.     

Should I leave the man I love because of unable to live with his dog? I need wise advise or I might make the wrong decision for my live.
 
September 8, 2005, 8:06 pm CDT

feeling overwhelmed

I have only been married 9 months but I have been with my husband for 2 years I have a 10 year old from a previous marriage and we have a 3 month old son. I recently had to reurn to work full time and my husband also works but he usually puts in 50-55 hours a week which I appreciate but I still feel that I am doing everything else. I was on bedrest my entire pregnancy and then I was not able to return to my job of six years due to the time that I was gone so I felt really inadequate and took the first job that offered me enough money to make it, where as before I was making 40,000 a year and now only 27,000. That really hit us hard, I continue to feel the burden because of my loss of income and I feel that plus a few other things are taking there toll on our marriage. Even before I had become pregnant my husband had his usual one night that he is in a league and is gone that one night. However my brother races stockcars and my husband also started helping him with that every Friday and Saturday, so I have to either arrange my work schedule to accomadate or find a sitter which is not cheap so that he can do these things. The absolute last straw is for the last six years he and some friends have gone to a race in another state for the weekend well this year he took off three extra days and is gone for a total of five days and I have had to adjust sitters and work and my emotions to accomadate another of his days gone I feel overwhelmed and I am also hurt that he did not think about asking if it would be ok if he was gone that long. I am so overwhelmed. I love him so much but I feel so hurt by his actions I have also tried to talk to him about how I feel and he really does not understand I don't know how else to talk to him Any Advice?
 
September 9, 2005, 4:36 pm CDT

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: hsiuliwu

I just got married in May this year. Instead of living as a happy couple, I have to fight for my husband spending more time with his dog.  He has this dog for more than 4 years and the dog now is about 12 year old.  He has the dog walk on the neighborhood without a leash.  The reason for him doing that is because the dog loves to being walk freely at his own pece, which is very SLOW. At the same time walking with the dog, we have to watch out for other dog on the street. His dog will jump up front to bark or attack the other dog. Sometime the dog is tired of walking on the way home, he will pick him up and put the dog in his arm and carry like a baby. Whenever he works in the garage, in his office, front or back yard, he always brings his dog beside him.  There are big pictures of the dog around the house.  In order to have extra income, we rent one room out for a student.  At the night time, my husband will leave our bedroom door not closed all the way so he can hear if the dog is barking or chocking at night.  It is nice of him to care for the dog's safety. but I have trouble to have sex with him while the door is not closed all the way. I need privacy when I am in bed.
He treats the dog like a king. I frequency feel I am the extra person and I wish I were his dog.  I am not a dog lover. It is hard for me to understand why people so in love with their dog. I really have hard time to live with this dog under the same roof.  I told my husband about my concern and difficulty to accept a dog live with us in the bedroom, on the furniture and most importantly the dog has my husband completely attention. He gave a choose the other day, accept it or leave it.     

Should I leave the man I love because of unable to live with his dog? I need wise advise or I might make the wrong decision for my live.
I am a dog lover and I would be very hurt and disappointed in my husband if he told me I couldn't have my dog. In fact, we just got home from a vacation, and we ended up staying an extra 2 1/2 days casue of vehicle problems, Though I was having a great time with my family, I was devistated cause 13 days away from my dog was a hard thing for me. I was so home sick for him. It is ok, for one to love their pet and to accept him as part of the family. You and hubby need to work together on a game plan here, If you don't accept the fact that he loves his dog and that he feels that the dog is family, then you are the one with the problem but on the other hand, your hubby needs to be willing to make some compromises here, where does the dog usually sleep at night, maybe your husabnd can put a baby moniter where the dog sleeps and then you can close the door. You can also get nice furniture covers so the furniture doesn't get messed up. it may be a littel late for his dog but our dog knows that he is not aloud on the sectional couch but he is aloud on the other furniture, they can be trained. To leave a person becasue they love their dog is redicoulous. I personally am not a cat lover, they are cute and sometimes fun but I would rather have a dog, my hubby is a acat lover and he has his cat that he had before we were married, I would feel awful if I told my husabnd that he wasn't aloud to have his cat. Are you willing to leave the man you love over his love for his dog? Marriage is about love and respect and I beieve it also involves compromise so I think your best bet is to work together to come up with a solution that will work for both of you, it might take a while but getting all bent out of shape and upset isn't going to help any, so the issue here I think is are you willing to make sacrifices for the life of your marriage or are you goingt o let the dog come between you and destroy your love for this man, doesn't sound like he is going to give up his best friend and to be perfectly honest, I don't blame him. Maybe you should try loving the dog and paying attention to him and being his buddy as well and maybe your husband will be more willing to figure out a solution with out feeling threatened. be creative in your marriage and relationship as well, do you go out on dates? if not, maybe you should set up a date night and go out with your hubby, I am sure you can think of places to go and things to do where dogs are not aloud...................
 
September 9, 2005, 8:51 pm CDT

wanting to be happy and respected

Quote From: jenoc99

I was married to a man who  lied to me alot, even over stupid little things- and deceived me many, many times... Of course I ended up feeling just like you do now, like I was the stupid one for giving him the benefit of the doubt, over and over again. I made excuses for him all the time, but I couldn't make excuses for his 'shady' friends, just like your hubby- I got lied to and items stolen from me one too many times and finally became fed up. I didn't know what to do, though, and I thought long and hard about my situation and came to the conclusion that since I was the one tolerating being mistreated like this for so long, I probably could use some therepy. It was very hard to admit it, but I got the courage to make an appt. with a therepist, and I have never regretted it. Talking to another person about my home life took a huge amount of stress off of me, and being validated that it wasn't ME... I was guilty of holding onto a dream for too long. I kept wishing and hoping that things would change, but they never did. It didn't take very long from there to get the courage to move on without him. Nobody deserves to be lied to for so long!! You deserve to be happy and respected.  

Thank you for the words of encouragement! I really appreciate knowing that I am not alone here. We had a family therapist but our sessions were done and she closed the file because she felt we didn't need anymore therapy. I did have a serious talk with him and told him I wasn't going to be used like that anymore. I left the ball in his court to see if he will follow through on what he said he was going to do and that was to get help for himself. I also told him that if it happened again that he was to make sure that the door didn't hit his butt on the way out. I know what to do in terms of getting help if it does happen again. It will hurt still for a while, but I am a strong person and will make it. Thanks again!
 
First | Prev | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Next | Last