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Topic : Balancing Marriage and Family
Number of Replies: 1316
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:00:43 pm
Author : dataimport
Adding a family means big changes in a marriage. Tell us how you've succeeded or struggled to manage both.
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May 29, 2006, 9:11 pm PDT
 Quote From: jbr62526 Hello to all! I was watching Dr. Phil the other day (the show on the guys who need to grow up), and he said something that got me thinking--something to the effect of that we show people how to treat us and we need to demand respect. Any specific ideas on how to do that? I am married for over 2 years, and we have some problems. I don't feel like I am being respected at all, seems like most of the time here lately, I am walking around feeling like dirt, or locked in the bathroom crying. I think that I might be happier alone, but kids are involved, so it's not so easy to leave. I have tried talking to my spouse about it, and things will go ok for about a week, then it's back downhill. I feel like I try and try and I'm not getting anything in return. not exactly sure here on what to say, not too much info to og on, but if you feel disrespected,t hen you proably are not respected, you need to be honest with your husband and if he is not willing to work with you, then you have to take control, Like I said,we really don't have the info that we need so I am gonna bring up some scenerioes here and maybe it will help..........if he you are home all day, taking care of the children and the home, and he comes home complaining about everything under the sun, then you have the right to let him know everything that you DID DO and remind him that you are only one person and you can only do so much,My hubby has learned that I am more then willing and I want to take care of him and our girls but when he complains and questions me, then chances are, I am not gonna put my best effort forth, I actually at one point in our marriage, quit doing his laundry and believe me, that opened his eyes and he no longer complains, he gives more compliments..............If he isn't helping with the kids, then don't ask him, juust put him in the position to help, I do not ask myhusband to watch the girls, I tell him that I am going to the grocery store, whatever I am doing and I will be back in a couple of hours, I tell him what, if anything that needs to be done and I leave, Of course I respect my husband and I always know what is going on and will never do this if he has other plans or just can't do it..................................... These are justa couple of examples of how to step up to the plate and demand respect but at the same time, you have to respect him as well, follow through on what you say you are going to do. I agree that we teach others how to treat us and whatever we allow, others will do it..........Respect your self even if your husband does not, when you need a break, do not hesitate to take it, even if it is just going in and taking a hot bubble bath, or taking a walk, calling a friend, whatever, be kind to your self..................I am a strong believer in marriage and believe divorce is a cop out for most people. I have seen bad marriages put back togther and doing well, the grass is not always greener on the other side and remeber guys do not htink like us women and sometimes they don't even know/understand us therefore "talking" does not always get us any where, we must put some action with our words and some guys will actually catch on, others might not but in my case, all these things I suggested, has helped my marriage, we love and respect each other and we are here for one another and that is imporant................................. |
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May 29, 2006, 9:15 pm PDT
Quote From: jenoc99 First, some things to consider: People will do what they've always done until they have a reason to do something else. AND.. You teach people how to treat you... AND The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. When you tell your husband how you are feeling and what will make things better, and then things are ok for a week, at that point, before things start to go down hill again, have the whole conversation all over again. Yes, I know, I know- he should already know how you feel and what you need. But, going on his past behavior, he obviously doesn't know those things, and he needs a reminder. Its annoying, I know- Its irritating- I know-- but keep on doing it over and over until he gets it. Think of it as "training wheels" for your husband. He isn't a mind reader, he needs to know what you need, so you need to be clear to him about your needs. Give him the chance to be the husband that you deserve. If he just can't keep up with his roll as your husband in time, that is how you will know its time to go. I wish you luck, you deserve to be happy, and its better to be alone and happy rather than be miserable with someone else. Looks like we are responding to posters at the same time. I agree with everything you are saying, hopefully something we and others might say will help.................Marriage isn't always an easy thing but with team work, it certainly won't fail. |
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May 29, 2006, 9:17 pm PDT
Quote From: lindasp62 We have been married for 4 years. I can tell you that the first major red flag came after only 7 months of marriage when he MAJORLY chose his mom/family/friends over me...when out of town visiting his family, I had had a sudden loss , was grieving, and had pneumonia at the same time. He didn't want to spend any alone time with me, choosing to spend time with all of them instead. I guess I though that he would see the light someday, because afterall....he can be so wonderful and charming and really supportive at times. Just when faced with a choice in a situation, he will always choose these other people. Yes, he is so NICE to all these people and treats me great in from of them (trying to impress them, obviously). I (myself)have been to see our pastor a few times, and finally got him to a marriage weekend a couple of years ago (kicking and screaming), but nothing really improved in those instances. To go to counseling together...he would never even help to locate someone, and his financial situation would not allow us to share the cost. And, no way will l pay for that all myself!!!!! Yes, he probably is such a coward, he cannot just be honest and tell me it's over....afterall, it is so obvious that he would rather be living back in his city, with his mom, and just doing as he pleases, just like he was. (Although he did live on his own for 2 years before we married). I am just emotionally drained with all of this...and over our marriage, I have needed a lot of support in times of illness, deaths in the family (3 pets!) and now another huge problem we are having with our house. He is there for me when we are dealing with these things day to day, but soon as his family or specfic friends beckon....off he goes....even if it leaves me to grieve alone or deal with the situation by myself....just as he is leaving now for 3 weeks to visit family and leave me to handle this big mess in the house. Could have even waited 2-3 more weeks to help me? give me support? NO! And, he just announced it one day that he had made a plane reservation!!! That's how I found out. Why can't men be compassionate and unselfish to their wives and families.....just as they are to others? Rhetorical only.........only when hell freezes over will this happen! People will do what they've always done until they have a reason to do something else. Your husband has no reason to change his behavior, after all, you do complain, but you stick around for more- and he knows that. You don't deserve this treatment, so why do you tolerate it? you know that saying, "we teach people how to treat us.." You have taught him that although you don't like it when he takes off, leaving you to deal with what you have to deal with, its okay because you are still there when he gets back. No biggie. (to him) The reason he can't be compassionate and unselfish to you is because he doesn't want to. Obviously, he does have the capability to show those characteristics, because he shows them to friends and family. But, for his own wife, you get the scraps of what is left. Are you willing to settle for scraps? I hope not! You don't deserve this. You deserve so much more than his scraps of love. You must be tired of being last on his list of priorities. I urge you to do something before your self esteem is totally gone- by doing something I mean, whatever you have tried so far obviously isn't working, so its time to do something that you haven't done already. You said counceling it out of the question.. what about therapy just for you? it sounds like you've got some issues to deal with, at the least, you need to vent. There are therapists with sliding fee scales, and in some counties, even free services. Mental health is important, you can't put a price tag on it- so even if you do have to pay $80 for a visit, although it will hurt, you are worth it. Its something you deserve, and its something you won't regret. I urge you to take care of YOU. Be your own best friend, be kind to yourself- if you don't, then who will? |
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May 30, 2006, 7:13 am PDT
Quote From: jettav Hi, I wish I knew what to say to help you, but first of all, I would encourage you to be the support system that you can be for your husband, marriage isa committment through all seasons of life, at least it is suppose to be.... Are there family members or a friends that could help out some?maybe even a teenager, some one who can be in the home while you are out? I agree that your daughter should not have to be put into this position, it is so unfair for her, she is only 6. And I agree that you need a break at times, again, I ask is there a friend or family members who can help?............Have you checked out the weight loss boards here on the Dr. Phil site, you might be able to find support and advice there........I do understand a little bit of where you are coming from as my mom is in the position of taking care of my dad as well as my grandma now after both suffering from a stroke, though she does not have kids at home, she cannot leave them alone and gets depressed at times, and it is hard at times to find some relief but becasue she loves her family, she is more then willing to do this and she does take advantage of what little help she does get..........And venting is good, seems to help and can actually make us feel better at times...........Also, have you talked to your doctor about this situation, I am sure he can help give you a good diet plan or refer you to a good dietician. SInce you are pretty well taking care of him and cooking his food and all, then you can control what he eats which can be a bit hard in itself, my dad is a dietbetic and can't have just anything but since his stroke he seems to be alittle bit more manipulative and tries to convince us to give him things that he shouldn't have but my mom pretty well takes care of that, LOL.......If I understand your message, his biggest probalem is his weight so if YOU take control of his eating habits then the situation can get better and that is something to look forward to..........I am sure your husband probably feels helpless and maybe even some guilt, and maybe feels some lonliness, maybe you need to be his biggest supporter, make it clear to him that you and your daughter needs a break once ina while but you are there to take care of him, encourage him on a daily basis, I know it isn't easy but some how, you have to make things work for the sake of your family........................ Thanks for listening. No, he isn't willing to admit that he can't really be alone so when I suggest having someone come stay, he gets mad and says he doesn't need a babysitter. His family is 5 hours away and no help even when they visit, which is rare. His mother literally pad-locked the fridge when he was young. It sounds like I could control what he eats, but it isn't that easy. When I'm gone he calls for deliveries or calls my mom and she feels sorry for him so she brings whatever he wants. I've talked to her but being overweight her whole life she empathizes with him and can't seem to see my side. His self-esteem is so low that I'm half-scared to do too much. He's always had suicidal tendencies. Yes, we have him taking something for depression. However, his doctor retired last year and I can't get him to go to anyone else. It's not like I can pick him up and take him, you know? So, I realize I have to work with what I have. I should be working now but I sent my daughter to my moms so she could have a day off. Even when I'm home, he tends to tell her to do more because he doesn't want to bother me. When I go to do whatever he asked her, he gets mad. Says she can do it. But she's 6 and I don't think she should have to. I thought about leaving for awhile to see if he would realize.... I'm not sure what. I talked to one of his brothers about this and he said "I don't blame you, noone in the family would, we understand, but you know he'll kill himself if you do!" So, no, there isn't that option either. I am certain he's right. I have searched the message boards, but none seem to be for me. They are all for the dieter and he won't get on here with a support group because he can't type fast enough, he says. He wants the easy way out and there isn't one. You're right, though, sometimes just venting like this helps improve my attitude. I did have a couple of friends who I would have stop by during the day when I'm gone but he caught on and got really upset about being babyset. So, I'll just keep going like always cause ther's nothing else I can do. Again, thanks for listening and understanding. |
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June 3, 2006, 7:48 pm PDT
I've been married for 8 1/2 yrs. The last 4 1/2 yrs have been pretty miserable for both my husband and I. I started going out and doing things that married women shouldn't do. This led to about 5-6 breakups. Currently, we are back together. I have realized what a great husband I have. I, however, have a trouble expressing how I feel to him. It's just wierd, but when I have him there, it's like I freeze up. Growing up, I hated my dad for how he treated my mom, and just didn't trust men for other things that happened as I was growing up. I think this might have to do with my attitude towards my husband. I hate being the way that I am but I don't know how to turn it off and be the wife that he needs. I think he's at his wits end with me and I don't want to see him leave for good. He means everything to me and our children. |
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June 4, 2006, 10:17 am PDT
I am struggleing with an argument my husband and I had the other day. He has two children from a previous marriage and I have one as a single parent, father never in picture. For the past 5 1/2 years I've watched my husbands children become the most spoiled have everything they've ever wanted children. Their mom and grandparents treat them well. My son is 17 and does not have his driver license yet due to the fact he's gotten in trouble several times. This is a previlige my husband had held fast to him not getting yet. My husbands 16 year old son a couple days before his b-day told his dad to shut up, drenched food at the park after he had been told the food area was off limits for playing around. Threw his cell phone down on the ground and refused to sit where his dad told him to. Because he was in trouble with his Dad he called his mom to come get him even though it was our weekend. After quite an argument my husband has him throw a blanket apology of I'm sorry everyone for whatever I did. It did not feel like a real apology at all. When we got home that night my husband doesn't ground him from anything. He used the internet and his cell phone. Not to mention that he was still able to watch TV. In the past when my son has acted like that he came home and was grounded from TV and video games. On his 16th b-day his mom took him to get his license. I can't control what his mom does. I have a problem with my husband not voiceing his opinion that he should have been made to wait to get his license after the incident at the park. I have a problem with there being no consequence to his disrespectfull behavior at the park. He tells me that his ex wife backs him up 110% but I fail to see that really happening. When she has a problem she calls their Dad up to help address issues but I still do not see any real discipline happening. I have an old car that when my son is 18 I am giving to him. My husband told me that if I give my son a car we have to buy his two children a car. I don't see why. His kids have gotten a scooter and a go cart equaling the same amount this car is worth if I tried to sell it. What's the difference. He always tells me we have nothing to do with what happens at there house but I know my son's feeling were hurt when they each got these nice gifts and we couldn't afford to get one for my son but my son just had to understand it wasn't possible for us to get him one. Am I wrong to think that I should be allowed to give my child this car without being made to think of others. I had this car before I met my husband. I don't want to treat people unfairly but I also don't want to have to neglect my child either. I want my son to get his driver license but I have to get my husbands permission first even though his son went out on his bday to get his after being an ass at a family holiday outing. If what I do affects his exwife and his children, should what they do not affect us? Please help with any insight. I am really struggleing with this one. |
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June 4, 2006, 12:32 pm PDT
Quote From: carla9942 I am struggleing with an argument my husband and I had the other day. He has two children from a previous marriage and I have one as a single parent, father never in picture. For the past 5 1/2 years I've watched my husbands children become the most spoiled have everything they've ever wanted children. Their mom and grandparents treat them well. My son is 17 and does not have his driver license yet due to the fact he's gotten in trouble several times. This is a previlige my husband had held fast to him not getting yet. My husbands 16 year old son a couple days before his b-day told his dad to shut up, drenched food at the park after he had been told the food area was off limits for playing around. Threw his cell phone down on the ground and refused to sit where his dad told him to. Because he was in trouble with his Dad he called his mom to come get him even though it was our weekend. After quite an argument my husband has him throw a blanket apology of I'm sorry everyone for whatever I did. It did not feel like a real apology at all. When we got home that night my husband doesn't ground him from anything. He used the internet and his cell phone. Not to mention that he was still able to watch TV. In the past when my son has acted like that he came home and was grounded from TV and video games. On his 16th b-day his mom took him to get his license. I can't control what his mom does. I have a problem with my husband not voiceing his opinion that he should have been made to wait to get his license after the incident at the park. I have a problem with there being no consequence to his disrespectfull behavior at the park. He tells me that his ex wife backs him up 110% but I fail to see that really happening. When she has a problem she calls their Dad up to help address issues but I still do not see any real discipline happening. I have an old car that when my son is 18 I am giving to him. My husband told me that if I give my son a car we have to buy his two children a car. I don't see why. His kids have gotten a scooter and a go cart equaling the same amount this car is worth if I tried to sell it. What's the difference. He always tells me we have nothing to do with what happens at there house but I know my son's feeling were hurt when they each got these nice gifts and we couldn't afford to get one for my son but my son just had to understand it wasn't possible for us to get him one. Am I wrong to think that I should be allowed to give my child this car without being made to think of others. I had this car before I met my husband. I don't want to treat people unfairly but I also don't want to have to neglect my child either. I want my son to get his driver license but I have to get my husbands permission first even though his son went out on his bday to get his after being an ass at a family holiday outing. If what I do affects his exwife and his children, should what they do not affect us? Please help with any insight. I am really struggleing with this one. Oi, oi, oi! It sounds as if your husband wants to make all the rules and he be the one to choose which ones will be followed and whom will need to abide by these rules. If you and he agreed that the rules be enforced unilaterally, then he should've followed through with disciplining his son in the same manner and asking his exwife for support. Now you're dealing with you're son noticing obvious differences in how all of the kids are being treated by his stepfather. By this, your husband is headed down a path of losing respect from your son. Regarding the car, it was intended for your son before you even met your husband, so it's more or less a formality of giving it to him when he turns 18. This has nothing to do with your husband's kids and your right, if it was agreed that they should be giving equal gifts to begin with, then he should've received a gift equivalent to the scooter or go cart. Since it was decided that no one could afford your son a gift at that time, the same argument could be applied here. If their mother feels so inclined to produce cars for them when they turn 18, so be it. If you feel that your son deserves the driver's license, go get it. Ultimately, you're his parent and what your husband did regarding discipline, he completely disregarded his own rules. It doesn't make sense that you need permission from your husband to decide what's best for your son, especially when he's only been involved in his life for the past 5 1/2 yrs. My husband has been involved with my kids for the past four years (since my oldest was 11) and we do discuss discipline, etc. to ensure we're on the same page to apply a certain discipline for specific offences, but ultimately, I, as my kids' parent, am the ultimate decider of discipline and he reinforces whatever was decided. |
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June 4, 2006, 4:49 pm PDT
Quote From: jeskamitch I've been married for 8 1/2 yrs. The last 4 1/2 yrs have been pretty miserable for both my husband and I. I started going out and doing things that married women shouldn't do. This led to about 5-6 breakups. Currently, we are back together. I have realized what a great husband I have. I, however, have a trouble expressing how I feel to him. It's just wierd, but when I have him there, it's like I freeze up. Growing up, I hated my dad for how he treated my mom, and just didn't trust men for other things that happened as I was growing up. I think this might have to do with my attitude towards my husband. I hate being the way that I am but I don't know how to turn it off and be the wife that he needs. I think he's at his wits end with me and I don't want to see him leave for good. He means everything to me and our children. EASY, seek counselling before its too late. You know the saying, YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU'VE GOT TILL YOU LOSE IT. Don't leave it too late, go, go now. |
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June 5, 2006, 12:40 pm PDT
Quote From: carla9942 I am struggleing with an argument my husband and I had the other day. He has two children from a previous marriage and I have one as a single parent, father never in picture. For the past 5 1/2 years I've watched my husbands children become the most spoiled have everything they've ever wanted children. Their mom and grandparents treat them well. My son is 17 and does not have his driver license yet due to the fact he's gotten in trouble several times. This is a previlige my husband had held fast to him not getting yet. My husbands 16 year old son a couple days before his b-day told his dad to shut up, drenched food at the park after he had been told the food area was off limits for playing around. Threw his cell phone down on the ground and refused to sit where his dad told him to. Because he was in trouble with his Dad he called his mom to come get him even though it was our weekend. After quite an argument my husband has him throw a blanket apology of I'm sorry everyone for whatever I did. It did not feel like a real apology at all. When we got home that night my husband doesn't ground him from anything. He used the internet and his cell phone. Not to mention that he was still able to watch TV. In the past when my son has acted like that he came home and was grounded from TV and video games. On his 16th b-day his mom took him to get his license. I can't control what his mom does. I have a problem with my husband not voiceing his opinion that he should have been made to wait to get his license after the incident at the park. I have a problem with there being no consequence to his disrespectfull behavior at the park. He tells me that his ex wife backs him up 110% but I fail to see that really happening. When she has a problem she calls their Dad up to help address issues but I still do not see any real discipline happening. I have an old car that when my son is 18 I am giving to him. My husband told me that if I give my son a car we have to buy his two children a car. I don't see why. His kids have gotten a scooter and a go cart equaling the same amount this car is worth if I tried to sell it. What's the difference. He always tells me we have nothing to do with what happens at there house but I know my son's feeling were hurt when they each got these nice gifts and we couldn't afford to get one for my son but my son just had to understand it wasn't possible for us to get him one. Am I wrong to think that I should be allowed to give my child this car without being made to think of others. I had this car before I met my husband. I don't want to treat people unfairly but I also don't want to have to neglect my child either. I want my son to get his driver license but I have to get my husbands permission first even though his son went out on his bday to get his after being an ass at a family holiday outing. If what I do affects his exwife and his children, should what they do not affect us? Please help with any insight. I am really struggleing with this one. Your husband’s theory about needing to buy his two children cars if you give your son a car is outrageous. Your husband is being unreasonable and irrational with your son and with your intentions; yet, when it comes to his kids, he is just a door mat. From what you describe, it sounds like your husband takes his anger and resentment out on you and your son, which is totally unfair. Why do you need your husband’s permission to bring your son to get his license? What exactly is his issue with it? Although there are probably reasonable concerns that could be addressed with boundaries, it would be more convenient for your son to be able to drive himself, wouldn’t it? |
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June 5, 2006, 8:44 pm PDT
Quote From: carla9942 I am struggleing with an argument my husband and I had the other day. He has two children from a previous marriage and I have one as a single parent, father never in picture. For the past 5 1/2 years I've watched my husbands children become the most spoiled have everything they've ever wanted children. Their mom and grandparents treat them well. My son is 17 and does not have his driver license yet due to the fact he's gotten in trouble several times. This is a previlige my husband had held fast to him not getting yet. My husbands 16 year old son a couple days before his b-day told his dad to shut up, drenched food at the park after he had been told the food area was off limits for playing around. Threw his cell phone down on the ground and refused to sit where his dad told him to. Because he was in trouble with his Dad he called his mom to come get him even though it was our weekend. After quite an argument my husband has him throw a blanket apology of I'm sorry everyone for whatever I did. It did not feel like a real apology at all. When we got home that night my husband doesn't ground him from anything. He used the internet and his cell phone. Not to mention that he was still able to watch TV. In the past when my son has acted like that he came home and was grounded from TV and video games. On his 16th b-day his mom took him to get his license. I can't control what his mom does. I have a problem with my husband not voiceing his opinion that he should have been made to wait to get his license after the incident at the park. I have a problem with there being no consequence to his disrespectfull behavior at the park. He tells me that his ex wife backs him up 110% but I fail to see that really happening. When she has a problem she calls their Dad up to help address issues but I still do not see any real discipline happening. I have an old car that when my son is 18 I am giving to him. My husband told me that if I give my son a car we have to buy his two children a car. I don't see why. His kids have gotten a scooter and a go cart equaling the same amount this car is worth if I tried to sell it. What's the difference. He always tells me we have nothing to do with what happens at there house but I know my son's feeling were hurt when they each got these nice gifts and we couldn't afford to get one for my son but my son just had to understand it wasn't possible for us to get him one. Am I wrong to think that I should be allowed to give my child this car without being made to think of others. I had this car before I met my husband. I don't want to treat people unfairly but I also don't want to have to neglect my child either. I want my son to get his driver license but I have to get my husbands permission first even though his son went out on his bday to get his after being an ass at a family holiday outing. If what I do affects his exwife and his children, should what they do not affect us? Please help with any insight. I am really struggleing with this one. I am 100% for marriage and believe that it should be a life time committment but at the same time, the couple has to be on the same page with issues, especially when it comes to raising the children. I understand the conflict that two parents can have as my husband and I are in a minor conflict at this time concerning my 5 year old, nothing major but we have to be on the same page and this is what we are working on................It is not fair to play favorites among our children and this is exactly what your husband is doing and it is wrong and he is only going to cause major issues, even with the ones he favors for they will continue to manipulate and use him as a doormat and your son will rebell and want nothing to do with this guy..........You need to talk with your husband and tell him what you think and let him know that you need to be on the same page and if he isn't willing to do this, then you will take control on what goes on with your son and he can take control on what goes on with his, fair is fair...................I do not neccessarily believe this is best thing to do as it can cause problems, maybe even make things worse but since this situation concerns step parenting then maybe you both just need to deal with your own kids and make your own decissions about your own kids. It just isn't fair to treat one kid better then the other and if parents are not working together and playing favoritism then BEWARE, things are gonna get bad.....................You are gonna have to put your foot down and demand that the kids be all treated equally and with respect and if it isn't gonna happen, then for the sake of the kids, maybe it would be best for a seperation, best thing to do? I don't know but if the rules are not going to be the same for every one, then why be stuck in a chaotic and unfair atmosphere?...........................For a marriage to work, spouses have to work together and the children must have rules and boundaries and one not treated better then the other, just isn't going to work............................. as far as the car goes, if it is your car, then you have the right to do as you wish with it, your son will be 18, nothing your husband can do about it, so what if he thinks the otehrs should get one too, then let him go buy it for them, they are his kids and if he wants to be manipulated and used as a door mat, then let him, sometimes we just gotta learn the hard way! |
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