Topic : Balancing Marriage and Family

This guy is using and manipulating you. he is disrespectful to you and the rest of the family. I think you need to stand up to this guy and tell him no more, tell him he needs to leave and stay gone. You can offer for the two of you to go to counseling and get thte help that you need to work thingsout, but this can also be done seperately, you do not have to love together to get help. He is destroying your family and I know personally if my husband ever suggested bringing other women into our marriage, I would not be with him, marriage is about two people commtiing, not more then that and he needs to get over himself..........................................Rememebr, we people how to treat us and until you stand up to this guy and defend yourself and your kids, he will continue this behaviour, I say kick this guy out or maybe you can finda place for you and the kids, get a restraining order if need to, whatever, this guy is doing no one any good and if he really loves you and wants you then he will open his eyes and do something about his stinkin behaviour, I know I wouldn't put up with it, guys like this are losers and you would be better off with out him at this point.

Kathy, 

        I have also fell out of love with him back in 2002 I never thought it would ever get to this but now i know it is not my fault it is only our fault if we don't do anything about it. We are both strong women. We had kids that alone men cannot even imagine the pain we endure. Furthermore we are always with the kids and dealing with their trials and failures on a day to day basis. You need to realize that he has taken your self esteem and stooped all over it. You are smart intelligent and can do what ever you put your mind to. I hope my words have helped you in some way. 

Jenn 

  

Hi my name is Kylee I watch Drphil In Australia. Im not married but have a partner and we have a daughter together. I am A stay at home mum, my partner works and lives at his own address. Although he doesnt live us we both share the responsibility of our daughter.  Being married doestn in my eyes constitute the man being the boss. Marrige should consist of equality. There should be no differencialities between the wife or the husband just because the husband goes to work and the wife stays at home with their child/children. The episode on Australian TV today weas about a married couple Grant and Kelly. Grant wanted his wife to have wife lessons so she would be a better wife around the house. To me Grant was like an army seargant giving orders to his team but it was his wife. I agree that there is no excuse for a husband not sharing the work load in the house. Husband and Wife should be equal and work as one not two seoarate identities. 

Kind Regards from Kylee in Australia 

hi kathy i read your story almost the same as mine but ive only been with my spouse 6 yrs and he in the past has brought in a guy friend of his i did it to make him happy now i feel so ashammed never again that was about 6 months ago and he still talks about it every once inawhile makes me ill ...i think i love him or maybe im just scared of being alone im 40 he is 45 i have a job im a hairdresser but sooo scared to make that jump to get out u are out im so proud of u and jelouse go girl kick him out he wont change it will just get worse...i seen this lady the other day i cut her hair she was about 60 she said her husband calls her his queen and treats her like one also dont you want to find the i do so dont go back go find a prince your still young....im going to go looking also soon lol hoping to try its hard to get out i do still love him but might not be the right kinda love im really soul searching right now ans getting paid soon might just leave...

I love my husband but lately I feel as if I have married a man that I do not know.  I feel  that before our daughter he was much more into being together and having fun as a couple.  He now can't wait to find something to do or somewhere to go just to get away.  He even goes as far as not answering his cell phone when he is out of the house.  He does not apply him self as a father either, he thinks that playing with her for an hour a night is being a good parent.  I don't know what to make of this situation or how to handel it.  Am I the only woman out ther that has this kind of life?  My friends say that I am a very patient person and take on a lot more then I should with him as far as taking care of the baby and home along with working and not getting any help. 

  

bringing children into our lives/family is a change and can definely bring in some new emotions and even ways of doing things. Men and women think diffenrently and we need to communicate as couples. Let him know how you feel and ask him how you canhelp change things i the home, you can suggest ad ate night which does wonders, pick a night a week or even once a month to go out togeher just the two of you....Maybe even surprise him a date night, arrange for a sitter for your daughter, may even be an over nighter, and have her already at the sitters and you cook up a good raomantic dinner and plan a night alonw with him, he might be feeling a little out of place with your daughter being there now, some guys don't know how to express their feelings well as well as they might not know what to do to help, it is we women for the most part who have the parenting instincts.caregiver traits......Also, I ould be taking advantage of that hour that he does play with his daughter, while he is playing with her, this could be a good time for you to have a break, go for a walk, go to the store whatever, you deserve a break as a mother....And rememer, you are only one person, don't stress over things in the home, do what needs to be done and t the same time do your part in making things work in your marriage, you can't change him but attitude means a lot.

I understand what you are saying the hour happens when I am on my way home from work and as soon as I get home he's gone.  I have tried date night and he's more intrested in how much money it will cost.  He really expects alot from me and it's very upsetting.  I have tried talking and even offered to go to counceling, he is not intrested.  I feel very stuck.  I try to have a great attitude but I feel that he takes me for granted.

I am at my wits end.  My husband is a workaholic -- the socially acceptable addiction, but it is tearing me apart.  

  

He immerses himself so fully in other projects (he works full time and then takes on odd jobs on the side) that he is never here.  Now in the past the excuse has always been that it is done to make money to help us out -- to renovate or get things paid off -- and it still does, but the cost it too high for me.  When he is here, he works on the house or woodwork projects well into the night.  Occaisionally, he will realize what he is doing and try to come in, but it lasts less than a week and he is back to old habits.  He used to rely on me to tell him when he was doing it too much, but I won't do that anymore because I end up being resented for it.  

  

He even gets so wrapped up in the things he does that he doesn't stop to eat, and if left to look after our kids forgets to make sure they have eaten, or even pays attention to where they are.  They are all teens now, and look after themselves rather than rely on their Dad.  The 13 year old ends up cooking for them all, because their Dad can't be bothered to think about them or anything but what he is doing.  

  

When his family (not to mention mine) comes to visit -- they live a day's drive away -- he ignores them too -- they will come and ask him to spend time with them, and he will tell them "in a minute" until they can't wait any more and go to bed.  They don't visit much, and I don't blame them.  

  

I got us into financial trouble a few years ago -- and I did some counselling and realized that I spent money as a way to fill the void -- basically, I justified it by thinking that if he was always going to be gone making this money, then I might as well spend it and have something for it.  It didn't work -- I am still lonely.  I don't spend anymore -- I know it doesn't fix things.  But then I get to hear how it is my fault he has to work so much to pay it off -- convenient and true for now -- but not the reason -- he was gone before I spent it -- he would have been gone if I hadn't ....he will be gone long after the debt is repaid. 

  

What I need now is some advice.  I have asked him time and again to get some help to find out why he hides from things in his busy - ness.  He knows it is a problem, but won't face it.  

  

That said -- he can always find time for the things he likes to do for fun, and his friends (especially a woman friend, who I feel is toxic and involved in an emotional affair with him)...... another long story......... 

  

So, what do I do?  Do I make an ultimatum?  I so hate them, but is it my only choice?  I have told him how I feel, I have asked him to get the help, and told him I would support any work he needed to do -- I have been to counselling -- I know it is hard work and a frightening thing to start.......  

but -- how long do I wait?  We have been going around and around with this for more than 5 years.  

  

I am exhausted and lonely -- I know I deserve to come first in someone's eyes -- am I asking too much, or do I have the right to tell him to get started on the road to discovery and recovery or I am gone??  Rather, I want him to leave -- the kids and I deserve a happy and stable home.   

  

He acts as if he is single and can do with his time what he wishes -- how do I get him to either learn to live as part of a family or do I tell him that if he wants to live as if he was alone and single to do it -- away from me?   

  

I really don't want a divorce -- but I can't live like this any more.  People so often tell me I am so lucky to have a husband who can do so much -- except more often than not it is at someone else's house that the things get done or built -- and that I am lucky he is renovating for me -- but the reality is that I hate this house -- I hate ever inch of it because all it is is a bunch of time and energy and money spent hiding and doing everything but making it a home.  I would rather live in a tent with a man who is my friend and shows me he loves me by wanting to spend time with me than the most beautiful house and pay for it by being alone and lonely.   

  

Does anyone have any suggestions -- or has anyone dealt with this in the past??  I really want to be married to him and have him well balanced and able to work and do things on the side while at the same time being part of our family.  Am I asking for something that is impossible?  Or do I just end it and protect myself first?  

  

  

  

My husband and I have been together for 17 yrs. We have 7 children. Had 4 adopted 3.   

He works all the time sometimes 7 days a week. When he is home all he does is yell and scream and curse at the kids. He wants the house to be spotless and it is not able to be when we have 7 children and 3 of them are babies. He calls the kids names like stubid a** and retarded. I can not handle this anymore. I love my husband but I am not inlove with him. He always talks about other woman and wanting to sleep with them. I ask him not to but he does anyway. We got remarried a yr ago and he slept with the pasters wife. We are now seperated but he still stays here at times and comes in yelling if the house is not done. If it is to hot for me to clean then it is to hot for the kids to clean. We do not have central air like he does at his place. We never get to go out as a family cause he dont have time for his family. ( he said that himself ) So my children and I are in this house day and night. With nothing to do but clean and be hottttt. I need to figure out if I am doing the right thing by being seperated from him and if I should ever get back with him. I babysit HIS grandchildren sometimes and he yells about it and says I am not watching them anymore. That is up to me right? He wants nothing to do with his own grandchildren !!! When I get paid for it he takes the money. I never and I mean never have money for anything. If he finds out I have a dollar he takes it. Please help me .............Kathy   

This guy is a manipulative punk and you need to kick him out or you and the kids leave, You have to find a way to do this or it iwll get worse for all of you. You ahve to start standing up for yourself, if this guy doesn't wan tto be happy with you and thekids then he needs tog et out. I beleive in the marriage committment 100% but with a guy like this, it isn't gonna happen til he opens his eyes and sees what he is doing, and it is going to be have to be you to start this, if not for you, do it for the kids, they deserve a loving and caring father, My father left and hasn't been heard from since Iw as five and believe me, there is no love loss there, kids can live without a father, it is better then being abused.