Topic : Balancing Marriage and Family

I'm sorry that I offended you, that is not my intent at all. Sometimes it is hard to read the "true" meanings between the postings ont hese boards..............I do not believe you should leave for in my opinion that wouldn't solve anything. I honeslty do not know what else to say other then try to hang in there and don't give in to the boundaries and rules, if the kids are suppose to do something and they don't, then they don't go to whereever..Parenting certainly isn't an easy thing but we can't give up. How about taking priveleges and favorite things away and making the kids earn the stuff back, like maybe they are suppose to clean their room every day and they don't do it, then they get something taken away and when they have cleaned their room like for three days in a row or wahtever then they earn their favorite thing back. I don't know, I am only trying to give suggestions here...................................................................................... and it sounds like you are stressed out as well and for good reason, do you get time out to yourself or out with a friend, or something, if not, I would suggest that you make the time to do this, let the dishes set and go, take a walk or go into a nice restaurante, order a salad and a drink and read a chapter in a book, you have to take care of you, doesn't look like any one else is goingto do that and if you don't then you are not going to get any where.................................................................................Do you and your husband have date nights? That might be a good thing ofr the both of you, I know that you don't have much money but do you have some one that might be able to come over and play wiht the kids while yo and hubby go out together, a nice walk in the mall or a park might be good. Again, just trying to help you, I wish I had the answers but I don't..................................................Maybe try making some things a little easier on yourself, like instead of using real plates, use paper plates, that would delete some dishes. serve sandwhiches and can soup,salads for dinner, that would delete a lot of cooking.......................................................Maybe reward systems will help your kids to want to help wuth chores, maybe for every chore they complete, they get a quarter and at the end of the week, (whatever you decide), they can go to the store and spend their money. Whne they see that one has more money then the other then who knows what could happen or when they see that when they do help they get rewarded...yes, some poeple are gonna frown upo that but if adults want money, we work for it, we don't juts get handed a paycheck, it's the same concept, you work, you get paid and at the same time, they are learning to do do their share.....................................................You don't have to reward them with money but maybe a good movie, an outing thatyou know they would enjoy. Again, just some suggestions.

This is my first message to this website, but I am a big Dr Phil admirer & watcher. I am not sure if this is even the correct board to post this on, but its how Im feeling so that’s why I chose it. A quick me....33, married ( 8 yrs) 2 kids (7 yr boy) & (5 yr girl) small town Iowa ( 500 people ) . A lot of things that are really bothering me for a long time, and it just brings me to tears to type.. Maybe Im just looking for support or to feel like Im not alone, which is what I feel like now. Where to start..........I tend to babble so forgive me in advance.....

The most thing is that Im just not happy... I don’t think I am a very good wife & mother.. As a child I was never taught how to do laundry, clean, cook, be responsible, or if I was, I didn’t listen! Now as an adult in the real world, I feel it has caught up to me. Here I am 33 years old & I feel so overwhelmed in my little house, that I could hyperventilate...My husband is 13 yrs older & was a bachelor a long time b4 me & of course lived on his own & in turn knows how to live & do the basics.... I do the best I can, but I just cant get comfortable..I can be quite over dramatic in how I think. I WORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING! I cant emphasis that enough. I always have.. Worry about where money is going to come from, what people in this town think of me since I cant do anything without everyone knowing anyway, worry about teaching my kids about life & money & responsibility when I don’t even know! I cant even manage a checkbook correctly or keep my house in order.. it is the most unorganized house in the world & my kids are going to end up just like me if I don’t get my butt back on track & teach them!  

The one thing I do have to look forward to is me going back to college next month to try & better myself & get a BA degree in Technology Management in a couple years as I would be starting as a Jr. I am a computer geek & have taught myself a lot about it & have made it a passion of mine & hope to do it someday..  

I have been starting to go to a Therapist a couple times to see if that helps my attitude, but not yet. So is it me??? I am angry all the time, at my husband for not spending time with me ever as he is as busy as ever with his jobs, and my kids for, well..just being kids...I want to be the fun loving person I used to be before all of this..before kids & hubby, I was! And now with all of this responsibility I feel I am screwing it all up & my biggest fear is that my kids will end up as unorganized & messed up as I feel...My dream in life is to just be happy with who I am & not what I have! And not get caught up in small town clique life that you have to have money & a nice house & the right name to be accepted. I just want to feel like I am a responsible, independent, respected woman, who can handle the stresses of life & who can BALANCE! There are books & websites all on organization & balance, but I haven’t found mine yet.. So again, is it me?? Am I just being lazy?? Lazy & irresponsible?? I am so negative now that its getting harder for me to turn my thinking around. My hubby of course tries to help, but since he doesn’t know what it feels like, he doesn’t know what to say besides, JUST DO IT?? I keep thinking if I had a bigger house, as my kids have to share a room that I would feel better as the kids & I would have more space to live & I wouldn’t get so frustrated so fast when my hubby was gone & that I would have a home that I felt good in & would WANT to stay home...do you think that’s true?? I keep thinking that if I don’t change the way I think & feel & don’t get some help I will be one of those victims that has something happen to them that makes them have a life changing experience & they THEN realize how important life is & they live one day at a time.. You know those people that you admire & love to listen to on TV & their story & you think to yourself that THAT’S how your going to think & live but then don’t because you get caught back up in life until it DOES happen to you or until you hear it again, taking life & the ones you love for granted. God I hope this makes sense to someone... On the outside I look & sound so normal to people , but on the inside & in my home, I feel like this. I just want to feel happy & all the things I mentioned above. Life is so short & I fear I will be like this unless I WAKE UP! Or is it my marriage?? If my marriage was better would l feel better ... I really just thinks its me & if my attitude changed, so would everyone else....I wish there was a guide for new wives on how to’s.. I big thing that happend to me as a younger woman was we got pregnant two weeks after we were engaed, so I was married, moved in with ,y hubby for the first time & gave birth to our son all within 9 months.. Pretty overwhelming as I had never lived with him before but dated for 3 years.. WOW what u learn about someone when you move in with them as your husband/wife...That part is pretty irrelevant now as I wouldn’t change it for the world, but I know that had a lot to do with my not learning about how to be a wife, let alone a mother in a very short time...I hope this touches someone & maybe we can get me on the right track...I just want to feel normal & like Im a good mother & wife! I don’t want to let things bother me so much like other women in this town that for some reason don’t like me & that tears me but shouldn’t! I apologize for babbling, but I am really looking for some honest help. Thank you  

 

Sounds to me like you have a very low self image of yourself and for starters, you need to strat thinking about the positive things about your self, maybe start reading Dr. Phil's book "Self Matters" I have heard that it is a very good book....................................................Also, it is good that you are being honest with your self and you need to communicate with your husband, he needs to know how you feel adn why you feel the way you do and hopefully, tog ether the two of you can work through this, after all that is what marriage is about, two people connecting together loving and honoring one another unconditionally.........................................................As far as taking care of the home, maybe try posting a cleaning schedule, don't make it overwhelming and unrealisitic,and don't stress over it, stress does a lot of damage to our bodies as well as our minds, believe me, beent here and it is so a waste of time and energy......................

I must be losing my mind, I just typed a big long message and only part of it posted and I don't have time to repost but the last part of my message was the fact that I have a feeling you are doing better then you think you are, Is your family happy and are their needs being met? How is your relationship with your kidsa nd husband? Theres alos a website called, www.flylady.com. I do not faithfully do as she says but she does have good stuff in there to help maintain your home..........................It is perfectly normal to feel inadewuate and all, I have a feeling every mom who comes to these parenting boards have been there, be kind to yourself and be the best that you can be..................

hun, I just want to hug you.  You have had so much pain and struggle in your short life.  I am literally old enough to be your mom (I am 38) and I just want to scoop you up and make it all better - because you sound so incredibly despondent and hopeless (I have 5 kids of my own and my oldest is not much younger than you, 15).  I am not sure how I can really help, I'd like to start with a few questions:  Were you able to finish high school?  If not, have you checked into getting your GED?  Do you work outside the home?  If not, would your in-laws watch the kids so you could?  Are you making SURE you won't get pregnant again?  This would mean you are on the pill or some other form of birth control yourself, clearly you cannot rely on your husband to take care of that.  I don't mean to say you should never have more children - but right now your circumstances are such that you really really should not have any more babies for a while.  I ask these things to see if there is a way for you to gain some financial independence.   

  

Have you ever talked to a counselor or a Pastor (or whatever the leader of your church is called, if you belong to one) about the rape?  Have you gotten any kind of help in dealing with that?  If you haven't, you really really need to hun.  I was also raped as a teenager, and so I speak from experience.  You may think you have put that in your past, but it will continue to affect you in different ways until you deal with the hurt.  Did you tell anyone when it happened?  I understand if not, I didn't tell for years, unfortunately.  I hope you were able to though, and your rapist was punished.  If you can't afford counseling and aren't comfortable talking to your Pastor - there are boards here at Dr. Phil that might help about that issue.  I believe there is a sexual abuse board under the heading of 'mental health'.  Plus - there have to be many many support organizations for survivors of rape on the internet.  Just go to any search engine (yahoo or IM or Google are all good) and put in 'survivors of rape support groups'.  Please do it Krysta - you need to get some help about that, if you haven't already.   

  

Have you considered anger management classes - so you can find better ways to relate to your children?  I know you don't want to continue the cycle of abuse that you grew up with - you recognize you don't want to hurt your children like your dad hurt you.  I understand that you are, right now, doing the best you can considering the example you had growing up - but you also seem to want to do better for, and with, them.  Again, if classes or counseling are not an option because of finances, look for other boards here to get some good advice.  I believe that you love your children and that they are your world - take steps to make SURE the cycle of abuse ends NOW.   

  

I do understand why you are depressed hun.  I feel frustrated that I can't be more helpful.  You are in an incredibly difficult situation and marriage.  If you find time, answer my questions and maybe I can come up with some good suggestions for you to try.  You are a valuable person Krysta - even if noone has ever told you so - believe me, you ARE.  You may hate your life, but you should be proud of yourself for being brave enough to come here and ask for help and support.  Take care, be safe and stay in touch.  Hugs to you, Roxy 

    Well I can understand how you feel it's like the world is on your shoulders.  The only suggestion I have is if you have a friend or a neighbor you can swap kids so each of you can have some alone time.  The other suggestion is to find a group called MOPS.  I was a member of this group when my kids were younger and that will also get you out with other adults.  As for the chores personally I would quit doing his work and let him do his own.  I am a part time working mom but let me say that my best friend has four kids and she is a stay at home mom I give her alot of credit that is a hard job with no pay.  I think if you speak to other woman you will get that alot of us do everything when it comes to the kids.  I hope all goes well for you.  Take care and good luck.

    Well I can understand how you feel it's like the world is on your shoulders.  The only suggestion I have is if you have a friend or a neighbor you can swap kids so each of you can have some alone time.  The other suggestion is to find a group called MOPS.  I was a member of this group when my kids were younger and that will also get you out with other adults.  As for the chores personally I would quit doing his work and let him do his own.  I am a part time working mom but let me say that my best friend has four kids and she is a stay at home mom I give her alot of credit that is a hard job with no pay.  I think if you speak to other woman you will get that alot of us do everything when it comes to the kids.  I hope all goes well for you.  Take care and good luck.

   Well I can understand how you feel it's like the world is on your shoulders.  The only suggestion I have is if you have a friend or a neighbor you can swap kids so each of you can have some alone time.  The other suggestion is to find a group called MOPS.  I was a member of this group when my kids were younger and that will also get you out with other adults.  As for the chores personally I would quit doing his work and let him do his own.  I am a part time working mom but let me say that my best friend has four kids and she is a stay at home mom I give her alot of credit that is a hard job with no pay.  I think if you speak to other woman you will get that alot of us do everything when it comes to the kids.  I hope all goes well for you.  Take care and good luck.