Message Boards

Topic : Balancing Marriage and Family

Number of Replies: 1316
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:00:43 pm
Author : dataimport
Adding a family means big changes in a marriage. Tell us how you've succeeded or struggled to manage both.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

User Mood
Good

Message Emote
blank
September 13, 2006, 9:04 am PDT

Be selfish

Quote From: dillybar34

I have definitely been where you are at, I have 4 kids, and a husband who didn't really understand what it was like to take care of kids.  He didn't understand, that sometimes even going up to the grocery store without anyone else could feel like heaven.  Every now and then I have to sit him down and say, look, I need some space, you have to pick up the slack, have it out with him, then he is good to go for a couple months.  Unfortunately, alot of men don't think like women do, they don't have the natural insticts that we have when things have to get done.  Or especially where kids are concerned.  Sit down with him, or if you can't without getting in a all out fight, I use to sit down by myself after the kids were in bed and write him a letter, then I could get everything I needed out, without him interuppting me.  My husband has a stressful job, he leaves at 5am every morning and returns home a 6pm, he works 7 days a week most of the time.  He now understands, that no matter how hard he works, I have the most important job in the world, and that is raising out kids, and he knows there is no way he could do this without me.  So,. now I remind him, and I get the help, and the time I need to recoup.  Recently, I went back to work, I gave up a 14 year career for the kids, so after 8 long years of being a SAHM - i returned, not to the same high stress job, but a job, and what a difference that has made, my kids have had to learn to become more independent, and my husband has really stepped up, even they don't like it, it has made me a much happier person.  Now I get some adult time talking to other adults.
The number one thing moms forget is themselves!  The saying that  "if mom ain't happy, noone is". Really is true.  It's great that your husband is military and it takes two to create as well as raise children.  Most importantly, you have to take time for yourself so you can be there for everyone else, including your husband.  He gets a little time to hisself on the way to work.  A job is a great idea, it helps you have adult time but you also need alone time.  30 minutes in the bath with no interuptions to destress.  A walk around the block, anything.  Remind your husband of the times he isn't with children and how he needs the alone time with them to keep the bonding wit them.  Not to mention the fact that you two need "date night".  It dosen't matter how long you are married, every couple needs that alone time with each other to remind each other why they love each other and got married in the first place.  You have to place yourself first so you can be there for your family.
 
User Mood
Cheerful

Message Emote
blank
September 13, 2006, 1:18 pm PDT

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: jsmichigan

I need anyone's opinion. My husband and I have been fighting since the birth of our second daughter in 1/2006. My husband has turned into such an angry person. He yells at our girls (3 years and 7 months) for anything he doesn't like. He was even yelling at the baby when she was 3 months because she didn't drink "right" from her bottle. (she used to dribble the formula out but is better now).  He is constantly swearing in front of the kids. He is constantly saying this life sucks, I hate my life, if I knew kids were like this I wouldn't have had any, he calls me every name in the book...in front of my older daughter. He openly says he regrets having a second baby. He has lashed out in ways that make me fearful to leave the kids with him alone. Last night the pot boiled over. In the car he was just beating me down about not having sex with him (he's been so horrible I don't even want to kiss him lately), he accused me of being gay (which I'm not), he accused me of having an affair (I'm not), he says if I don't start putting out he will find someone else to please him! I just feel beat down. I do love him but he has gone off the deep end. He says I am not the woman he married. I'm not, we've been married 7 years and had 2 kids. I have grown up a bit. He's turning into a child. I just need advice from anyone out there. I am just upset beyond belief that he would say he is going to find another woman if I won't put out. He is threating divorce and I can't handle that option. I can't even dream of not being a family. I love him and want him to cut to the chase and tell me what is really bothering him! He always beats around the bush. I want to fix the problem and go back to the happy days before our second beautiful little girl. Any advice would be really helpful.

Thanks.

Go and talk with a counselor, try to get him to go also but if he won't you go by yourself. Maybe he will change his mind latter and go also. You need to turn this around. You control your destiny not him.
 
User Mood
Cheerful

Message Emote
blank
September 13, 2006, 1:23 pm PDT

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: rebeccatol

 My husband and I will be celebrating our 2 year anniversary next weekend. We have 3 kids, (2 are mine from a previous marriage). I am a stay at home mom and can't remember a tiime I wasn't taking care of the kids. My husband works 8-5 monday to friday.  The problem is he gets to go out and do things he considers fun. Saturday he is going with some friends to a shooting range for about 5 hours, while I get to stay home with the kids. I asked him in the 2 years we have been married how many times have I gotten to go out and do something for me. The answer to that is once, and I was pregnant with my son at the time.  I just don't know how to handle it when he leaves. I am mean to him and say things like "don't text my phone and tell me that you are having fun or how cool something is because I have no intrest in it". I  know it hurts him and I don't mean to hurt him. I don't have any friends here, we just moved in a month ago, and the one true friend I thought I had before we moved turned out to not be a friend at all. I just want to know if any one else has the same problems that I am having with being able to just let your husband go out for a boys day and not feel jealous or angry. How do I handle this?
Check out  "MOMS" club. I wish I had the address but I'm not sure where it is right now. There are groups all over the country. There is probably one in your area. I have met so many nice people through the club. As a stay at home mom you can be so isolated. This will help. Good luck.
 
User Mood
Happy

Message Emote
blank
September 14, 2006, 12:44 am PDT

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: mikmich

Check out  "MOMS" club. I wish I had the address but I'm not sure where it is right now. There are groups all over the country. There is probably one in your area. I have met so many nice people through the club. As a stay at home mom you can be so isolated. This will help. Good luck.

Hi, sounds like you feel a bit trapped. The first thing you need to do is decide what you want. Would you be happy with one hour a week to yourself, five, or more? Then decide what you would like to do with those hours, this can really help motivate you to change the situation.

Then have a talk to hubby. This can be a chance to tell him how you feel. Acknowledge that you both need time alone, as well as with each other and as a family, and that you respect his need to hang out with the boys. However you would really appreciate some time to yourself and you need his support to do this. Together work something out that suits both of you. Do you also need some leisure time with just the two of you as well? Work this out at the same time. 

 

Practical:

Do your first two children see their father/go to school? If so arrange during this time to have someone (family/babysitter) care for your youngest, so you can have 'me' time or 'me and hubby' time.

 

It may take some organising, but you go girl!

 
User Mood
Scared

Message Emote
blank
September 15, 2006, 5:27 am PDT

made the bed, now lay in it?

my husband is a wonderful father but he is a thoughtless, selfish partner. we've talked about our relationship from day one. i didn't so much fall for him as develop stockholm syndrome!
what do i do, break up a happy family enviroment  seperating  children from a father they love and trust because  he makes me unhappy?
i keep most of this to myself so  no-one  really knows, except you now.
 
User Mood
Relaxed

Message Emote
blank
September 15, 2006, 2:42 pm PDT

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: mikmich

Check out  "MOMS" club. I wish I had the address but I'm not sure where it is right now. There are groups all over the country. There is probably one in your area. I have met so many nice people through the club. As a stay at home mom you can be so isolated. This will help. Good luck.
 I actually have joined a MOPs group this past week. It was an amazing experience for me to just go and talk to other moms. I knew my 2 youngest children were being cared for and I was doing something for me... something that I haven't done in over 6 years!! My going made my husband happy because I met alot of moms from the area that I live in.  I also noticed that my husband and I haven't argued about the little things as much. I guess talking to other people that can relate to what you are going through makes it not seem so bad!

I am very thankful for everyones help in letting me know about these groups for moms.
 
User Mood
Peaceful

Message Emote
blank
September 16, 2006, 7:57 pm PDT

I totally understand, I am there too

Quote From: wee_rosie

my husband is a wonderful father but he is a thoughtless, selfish partner. we've talked about our relationship from day one. i didn't so much fall for him as develop stockholm syndrome!
what do i do, break up a happy family enviroment  seperating  children from a father they love and trust because  he makes me unhappy?
i keep most of this to myself so  no-one  really knows, except you now.
 I have been married for 15 years and have two kids 9 & 12.  I work full-time and go to college full-time nights.  My husband does not work, he's WC and does not receive much.  I basically support everyone, and do all the major things around the home, we do not sleep in the same room, and I have not interest to have any affection towards him.  He is a trusting father, and is there for the kids when I am at school and work, but it really is not a healthy way to live.  When is it our time to be happy?  How can we enjoy life in this type of environment?  I know you must think that why is she not taking her own advice?  Believe me I am working out the finer details, but want to do it the calm way.  I want to complete my schooling first, ahave a job that pays more, so that I can support me and my kids.  I do not want to rush a situation that can turn out wrong if not done right.  We have tried to work things out, and some people just do not change.  This is what I want for my future, and I am not looking to waste more time of my happiness for me and my kids.  I hope that things work out for you.  Take care, and think positive.
 
User Mood
Peaceful

Message Emote
blank
September 16, 2006, 8:00 pm PDT

I totally understand, I am there too

Quote From: wee_rosie

my husband is a wonderful father but he is a thoughtless, selfish partner. we've talked about our relationship from day one. i didn't so much fall for him as develop stockholm syndrome!
what do i do, break up a happy family enviroment  seperating  children from a father they love and trust because  he makes me unhappy?
i keep most of this to myself so  no-one  really knows, except you now.
 I have been married for 15 years and have two kids 9 & 12.  I work full-time and go to college full-time nights.  My husband does not work, he's WC and does not receive much.  I basically support everyone, and do all the major things around the home, we do not sleep in the same room, and I have not interest to have any affection towards him.  He is a trusting father, and is there for the kids when I am at school and work, but it really is not a healthy way to live.  When is it our time to be happy?  How can we enjoy life in this type of environment?  I know you must think that why is she not taking her own advice?  Believe me I am working out the finer details, but want to do it the calm way.  I want to complete my schooling first, ahave a job that pays more, so that I can support me and my kids.  I do not want to rush a situation that can turn out wrong if not done right.  We have tried to work things out, and some people just do not change.  This is what I want for my future, and I am not looking to waste more time of my happiness for me and my kids.  I hope that things work out for you.  Take care, and think positive.
 
User Mood
Happy

Message Emote
blank
September 17, 2006, 2:50 pm PDT

Hi 'wee rosie'

Quote From: wee_rosie

my husband is a wonderful father but he is a thoughtless, selfish partner. we've talked about our relationship from day one. i didn't so much fall for him as develop stockholm syndrome!
what do i do, break up a happy family enviroment  seperating  children from a father they love and trust because  he makes me unhappy?
i keep most of this to myself so  no-one  really knows, except you now.
You ask do you ‘break up a happy family environment…’ because you are unhappy. From your perspective, you think that you see a ’happy family environment’ but you are forgetting YOU.  Please know that your happiness truly matters!! It is so important that you have happiness in your life. Your husband is still the father if you separate. I urge you to seek professional guidance; a counselor/therapist will be very helpful because you have never said your feelings out loud. Seeking happiness in your life will not make you any less of a mother. To be the best mom you can be, you need to attend to your own needs as well as your children’s needs- and happiness is a basic need in your life. Think about this: if your daughter came to you as an adult with these same issues that you have, what would your advice to her be? You want the best for your children, and you should want the best for yourself, too.
If  you can’t seek therapy at this time, you could also read self help books; there are many really good ones. Dr. Phil’s “self matters” and “Life lessons” are two that are great. A great place to start finding happiness is by finding an activity/hobby that you enjoy, something that brings you a sense of pride or accomplishment, or something that you simply love to do. Make time for yourself, because you are so very important! If the dishes don’t get done, you can do them later. Begin to make yourself a priority today!!
 
 
User Mood
Depressed

Message Emote
sad
September 18, 2006, 3:01 am PDT

like wee rose

It feels so good - but it´s not the right word in this - to hear that other feels and are living like this. I feel so alone with my marriage-husband and kids- and around me there is noone to talk to. What would I say? So thank you for sharing, you are strong! Bye for now  (I live in Sweden -swedish and hope my english isn´t too bad. My husband allways laugh at me trying at home)
 
First | Prev | 73 | 74 | 75 | 76 | 77 | 78 | 79 | 80 | 81 | 82 | Next | Last