Message Boards

Topic : Balancing Marriage and Family

Number of Replies: 1244
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:00:43 pm
Author : dataimport
Adding a family means big changes in a marriage. Tell us how you've succeeded or struggled to manage both.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

July 26, 2005, 9:00 pm CDT

manipulation!

Quote From: brandyfra

My husband and I have been arguing all day. It first started when I woke up to see that our 7month old son had no formula and my husband took ALL the money to work with him except what he had in our safety deposit box at home. I got in it and got some money out to get our son some formula because I could not get intouch with my husband. When my husband finally called I had already left the house so I told him what I did and he got very mad at me for taking the money(even though it was to get our son formula). When he got mad and started yelling at me over the phone I told him that I have had it with his attitude and told him I was going to leave so we (me and our kids) wouldnt be such an incovience to him anymore. When I got home to get some stuff together he wasnt here so I had some time to cool off and think about things before I left. I found out he had taken ALL the money in the safety box to work with him well he took the whole box. On top of him not helping me with the kids and the household chores he wants to be an ass about the money and stuff. I am so stressed out all the time i find myself crying. I wrote my husband an email to tell him we needed to sit down and talk about our problems. When he got home he read it and I basically wasted my time and made my carpal tunnel flare up by typing it. He didnt want to talk about anything he just wanted to sit infront of the computer and let people tell him how to spend his money(money that we dont really have). I asked him to get up and pick his military gear up and put all of it in one spot...That doesnt get done he is sleeping in the recliner right now like I never asked him to do anything. I am at my wits end. I dont know what to do. He doesnt want to talk about our problems he never wants to spend anytime together. He would rather sleep than spend time with his family. I need some help....Do I leave and make him realize he has a great family? or do I wait and see if things will get better. I have left before but he told me he was going to kill himself so all of our money problems will go away and our kids will never have to want for anything because if he dies I get 250,000 $. That just broke my heart because I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. HELP ME PLEASE!!!
this guy is manipulating you to stay and be treated like crap. he is very self centered and has no respect for you and your family, you need to step up to the plate and quit letting him treat you like this. Now, I believe in marriage 100% and believe that it takes two to make it strong and healthy but I also believe that it only takes one to get the ball rolling and I agree with what Dr. Phil says, that one should earn their way out of the marriage, meaning that you need to do everything possible, in your power to make things work. Go to counseling whether he agrees to go or not, let him know on a regular basis how you feel about him and the situation and what you are doing to help your marriage. Maybe get Dr. Phils relationship rescue book and read it whether he reads it with you or not. Actions speak louder then words and mabe if he sees you making some effort, maybe he will change. And if need to leave him, I am not saying divorce, as I believe that is a cop out for most people.I think if you threaten to leave then you need to do it, it could be a big eye opener to him, don't let him manipulate you by telling you things he is gonna do or whatever, that is nothing but a cop out. Marriage is about love and respect and honor and it it isn't there, then the marriage will fail but I have seen many failed marriages actually work out, it is possible but takes a lot of work, do your part but yet, don't let him manipulate you, make him own up to his choices and his part of the marriage, then in the end no matter what happens, you will be able to stand tall and know that you did everything possible to save your marriage. It can be hard at times, pray and follow your heart and do your part.
 
July 27, 2005, 12:23 pm CDT

Yikes...

Quote From: brandyfra

My husband and I have been arguing all day. It first started when I woke up to see that our 7month old son had no formula and my husband took ALL the money to work with him except what he had in our safety deposit box at home. I got in it and got some money out to get our son some formula because I could not get intouch with my husband. When my husband finally called I had already left the house so I told him what I did and he got very mad at me for taking the money(even though it was to get our son formula). When he got mad and started yelling at me over the phone I told him that I have had it with his attitude and told him I was going to leave so we (me and our kids) wouldnt be such an incovience to him anymore. When I got home to get some stuff together he wasnt here so I had some time to cool off and think about things before I left. I found out he had taken ALL the money in the safety box to work with him well he took the whole box.  On top of him not helping me with the kids and the household chores he wants to be an ass about the money and stuff. I am so stressed out all the time i find myself crying. I wrote my husband an email to tell him we needed to sit down and talk about our problems. When he got home he read it and I basically wasted my time and made my carpal tunnel flare up by typing it. He didnt want to talk about anything he just wanted to sit infront of the computer and let people tell him how to spend his money(money that we dont really have). I asked him to get up and pick his military gear up and put all of it in one spot...That doesnt get done he is sleeping in the recliner right now like I never asked him to do anything. I am at my wits end. I dont know what to do. He doesnt want to talk about our problems he never wants to spend anytime together. He would rather sleep than spend time with his family.  I need some help....Do I leave and make him realize he has a great family? or do I wait and see if things will get better. I have left before but he told me he was going to kill himself so all of our money problems will go away and our kids will never have to want for anything because if he dies I get 250,000 $. That just broke my heart because I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. HELP ME PLEASE!!!

I think you have a right to your anger.

 

I also think that neither you nor your hubby should do anything until you have calmed down.

 

It sounds as though you feel your partner is not making his own children a priority.  From where I'm sitting (here looking at the pictures of my kids on my desk) if my partner can't do that, then he is NO partner to me.

 

There are some lines that MUST be drawn DEEP in the sand.

 

If you have a partner who is unwilling or uncapable of being a TRUE partner, then you have NO marriage.

 

I also suggest that you re-read your insurance policy because many policy will NOT pay if it's a suicide.  Oh, and the next time he threatens to kill himself (emotional BLACKMAIL), tell him that you will call the police because you take threats SERIOUSLY.  When my Ex did that, he had to do some FAST talking to keep his counselor from COMMITTING him to the psych ward.

 

Q

 
July 27, 2005, 12:33 pm CDT

Normal!

Quote From: mrscc2003

I was re-married two years ago and I do enjoy being married to my husband.  He truely is a great guy.  He has a daughter who I love like she was my own.  However, I am feeling very slighted over the time he spends with her.  I do not mind that he spends time with her, its what he does with her.  He does things with her that I would enjoy.  My family recently purchased a beach home and he took her there go drive around, and boat around.  I have not had the opportunity to do that because the home was gutted, so any time down at the beach has been for work purposes so far.  He takes her to sculpture parks, museums, helicopter rides and we barely get out.  One of the things I  fell in love with about him was the wonderful father that he is, I just didnt know that I would not be included in any of the fun stuff.  I tell him how I feel but the fact is that its over and he will not stop doing these things with his daughter, and he wants to spend time alone with her so I am not invited.  It makes me sad and I feel like I never get a "first" with him.  any advice?

We have a blended family.  I can tell you from experience that my hubby (the Step) also sometimes feels very left out. 

 

Believe it or not, it's a common problem in blended families.

 

Oh, and also let me say that I think that it is VERY heroic and self-sacrificing of you to allow your partner his time with his daughter.  You didn't mention how old she was but their time together will be limited because she will grow up and move away.

 

Still, I do understand how you feel.

 

I suggest that you do set up some time when it's just the two of you to NOT DO just work.  Set up play time.  And when agrees let him know how much you appreciate it.

 

I also suggest that, maybe, you set up sometime time with his daughter to do "girl stuff".  Kind of turn the tables on him -- see how he likes it.  Plus it continues to build a loving bond with his daughter and eventually she may insist on you being included too.

 

Another idea to schedule time with your own girlfriends while he has daughter time.

 

I hate to think how much he and his daughter are missing out when you aren't there too -- does he really want to put up a wall like that.  It's like shooting your relationship in the foot!

 

Q

 
July 27, 2005, 12:45 pm CDT

Marriage Counseling

Quote From: jettav

this guy is manipulating you to stay and be treated like crap. he is very self centered and has no respect for you and your family, you need to step up to the plate and quit letting him treat you like this. Now, I believe in marriage 100% and believe that it takes two to make it strong and healthy but I also believe that it only takes one to get the ball rolling and I agree with what Dr. Phil says, that one should earn their way out of the marriage, meaning that you need to do everything possible, in your power to make things work. Go to counseling whether he agrees to go or not, let him know on a regular basis how you feel about him and the situation and what you are doing to help your marriage. Maybe get Dr. Phils relationship rescue book and read it whether he reads it with you or not. Actions speak louder then words and mabe if he sees you making some effort, maybe he will change. And if need to leave him, I am not saying divorce, as I believe that is a cop out for most people.I think if you threaten to leave then you need to do it, it could be a big eye opener to him, don't let him manipulate you by telling you things he is gonna do or whatever, that is nothing but a cop out. Marriage is about love and respect and honor and it it isn't there, then the marriage will fail but I have seen many failed marriages actually work out, it is possible but takes a lot of work, do your part but yet, don't let him manipulate you, make him own up to his choices and his part of the marriage, then in the end no matter what happens, you will be able to stand tall and know that you did everything possible to save your marriage. It can be hard at times, pray and follow your heart and do your part.
I have took it up on myself to set up marriage counseling for my husband and me. He has agreed to go and work out our problems. I dont want to throw everyhting we have away like that so I and determined to make it work. After last night I see he is too. We got into a big argument last night and he told me to leave. When I went and got our son up out of the bed and put him in his car seat he realized that I was going to leave and he apologized and asked me to stay. I told him I would stay if we got marriage counseling.  I am praying it works for us because I really love him very much. Thanks for all the advice. I will let you guys know how it goes. THanks again
 
July 27, 2005, 12:45 pm CDT

You Time!

Quote From: brandyfra

My husband and I have been married for a little over a year and the topic of divorce has come up several times especially since our son has arrived. Since he has been here my husband and I have been at each others throats. I am with our children all day every day. I dont even go to the store without one of the kids. I understand my husband has a hard job being in the Army and all but I didnt have the kids by myself so I feel he should help out with them rather than letting me do everything for them and with them. When it comes to taking the kids to the doctor I have to do, when it comes to baths I have to do it, when it comes to feedings, changings, clothing, and all that kind of stuff I have to do it. My husband asked mewhy i sound like I am stressed and I told him its because I am stressed. I dont know what a day without kids is like, not even a day but not even a few hours. My husband tells me if I want sometime away from the kids I need to get a job. He says that taking care of the kids is not a job and is easy to do no matter how many kids you have.  Anyone have any tips, advice or suggestions to get my husband to help me out with the kids and the household chores?

Actually you don't HAVE to do it.  You CHOOSE to do it.  And the not so funny thing is... hubby CHOOSES not to... hmmm... some partner, huh?

 

Raising children CAN BE VERY STRESSFUL!  It's neverending, 24/7!

 

How can hubby so sure that it's SO easy if he's never done it?!?  Challenge him!

 

So I suggest that one Saturday, you give yourself a break!  Tell him, if he thinks it's so easy, then he can do it for the day.  Then take his Mom out to lunch!  Or Get up, get dressed, and go do something GOOD for you!

 

Also I suggest that you setup some time for yourself.  Hire a sitter for an hour or two once a week or take the kids to Mother's Day-out at your local church, or get a play group going where one Mom in the group gets the day off each week.  Then go do something good for you.

 

I bet you'll amazed at how giving your self YOU time will replenish and refresh you without needing to call on Dad.

 

You have options!  Q

 
July 28, 2005, 5:11 pm CDT

I can't deal with her much longer.

My name is Johnathan Erickson, I am 38 years old, and my wife and I have been married for 10 years. We have two kids together, one age 5, and the other 2. We have always had a very solid, loving, and secure marriage, but she always wanted attention. I remember from the old days how she always wanted me to pay 100% attention to her and to nobody else. I honestly don't blame her for that. Being her husband, I have to give her the attention she needs. However, I feel that her attention-starved attitude is driving me to the breaking point. I have put up with her for 10 years of marriage, and 2 years of dating. I am sick and tired of her constantly wanting me to pay attention to her and nothing else. I have been pretty cool about it for 12 years, but now I am becoming extremely frustrated. I consider myself to be a very lenient individual, but she is totally abusing my leniency. Let me explain how I reached my ending point. My brother and I are extremely close. We grew up together, we went to law school together, and we now own a law firm together. Our law firm is constantly growing and managing is difficult. We spend hours together during the day running our law firm, and we always go to lunch with each other during the day. A couple nights ago, my brother and I decided to go to dinner together. We made arrangements and we meet each other at a restaurant. My wife became very upset when I said I was leaving to go to dinner with him. I apologized and told her I will make it up to her some other time. When I came back from dinner my wife confronted me in a very upset, and frustrated manner. I lost my temper and yelled at her like I had never yelled before. She was a bit shook up by it, so she left to go to her fathers house. I don't understand it. My brother is married also, but he dosen't have to put up with this junk. So what if I went to dinner for 2 hours? He is my brother and if she thinks I am going to end my relationship with him, she is out of this world. Its not going to happen. At the same time I don't want to end my 10 year marriage. Ending my marriage can effect so many things, especially the kids. She came back to the house, but we rarely talk. We pretend neither of us are here. Its really starting to show and the kids are catching on. I don't want the kids to be effected mentally, or emotionally by this. Can someone give some pointers on where to START. Thank you.
 
July 28, 2005, 9:25 pm CDT

Balancing Marriage and Family

My husband and I were supposed to go to my moms this weekend and pick our daughter up so we can get her ready to start school. He tells me today he has "more important"things to do than go with me to get our daughter so I have to take my son and go by myself. He asked me to leave my son with him but I didnt want to risk leaving him with my husband and get a phone call my son got hurt because my husband fell asleep and left him unattended. My husband has 24 hour duty at work tomorrow and wont have any sleep til saturday and thats why I dont want to leave my son with him. When I had a job I worked nights and I come home one night and my husband was asleep and left my son and daughter up alone. I was so mad I ended up quiting my job so I could stay at home with my children.  My husband is great with the kids when he does spend time with them but its not that often. We have a marriage counseling appointment next week maybe that will do us some good. I am praying it will because I love my husband with all my heart and dont want to lose him. I just wish he would start spending more time with us while he is here before he goes back to Iraq at the end of the year. He will be gone for 1 year or more so you would think he would want to spend time with us but thats not the case with him. What can I do to get him to spend more time with us? Someone please help!!
 
July 28, 2005, 9:33 pm CDT

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: jerickson

My name is Johnathan Erickson, I am 38 years old, and my wife and I have been married for 10 years. We have two kids together, one age 5, and the other 2. We have always had a very solid, loving, and secure marriage, but she always wanted attention. I remember from the old days how she always wanted me to pay 100% attention to her and to nobody else. I honestly don't blame her for that. Being her husband, I have to give her the attention she needs. However, I feel that her attention-starved attitude is driving me to the breaking point. I have put up with her for 10 years of marriage, and 2 years of dating. I am sick and tired of her constantly wanting me to pay attention to her and nothing else. I have been pretty cool about it for 12 years, but now I am becoming extremely frustrated. I consider myself to be a very lenient individual, but she is totally abusing my leniency. Let me explain how I reached my ending point. My brother and I are extremely close. We grew up together, we went to law school together, and we now own a law firm together. Our law firm is constantly growing and managing is difficult. We spend hours together during the day running our law firm, and we always go to lunch with each other during the day. A couple nights ago, my brother and I decided to go to dinner together. We made arrangements and we meet each other at a restaurant. My wife became very upset when I said I was leaving to go to dinner with him. I apologized and told her I will make it up to her some other time. When I came back from dinner my wife confronted me in a very upset, and frustrated manner. I lost my temper and yelled at her like I had never yelled before. She was a bit shook up by it, so she left to go to her fathers house. I don't understand it. My brother is married also, but he dosen't have to put up with this junk. So what if I went to dinner for 2 hours? He is my brother and if she thinks I am going to end my relationship with him, she is out of this world. Its not going to happen. At the same time I don't want to end my 10 year marriage. Ending my marriage can effect so many things, especially the kids. She came back to the house, but we rarely talk. We pretend neither of us are here. Its really starting to show and the kids are catching on. I don't want the kids to be effected mentally, or emotionally by this. Can someone give some pointers on where to START. Thank you.
I would suggest that you make the first move here, set up a time when it can be just you and your wife and start by letting her know how you feel about her, that you love and care for her and that you want your marriage to be for a life time( I think that is what you want and feel), you need to communicate with her on how it makes you feel when she does the things/act the way she does and you need to allow her to do the same with you, get all this out in the opened then discuss solutions, (did you let her know ahead of time that you were going out with your brother,or did you just tell her then leave?) Set up date nights that is specifically for her and unless there is an emergency, neither of you can plan something different for that night. You should also encourage her to go out with a friend once in a while and let her know that she is top priority as well as the children but you need time with your brother as well. Marriage is a committment between two people and takes 100% on both peoples side to make it work, communication and respect are very imporant and we must learn how to balance our marriage/family/work,friends. My husabnd and I always tell each other a head of time of individual plans and we always make sure that there isn't already something planned, I know how it feels to have had a quiet evening planned with my hubby or a special night out then he come home and tell me of some other plan that I had absolutely no knowledge of, it really does leave room for some resentment, but when I talked to him about how it made me feel and why it upset me, we learned to communicate more and to respect the other with the making of plans. Maybe even send her flowers or something once in a while to confirm your love to her, which I am sure you do things like this already. Hopefully sitting her down and talking with her and getting her suggestions/ideas will help, maybe then she will sense that you are trying to put her and her feelings ahead of other things and maybe she will see the imporance of having other relationships as well. Also, how many hours do you work? My husabnd works two jobs and til just this week, he has had to work every single day, the only time we had time to gether was wed and thurs evening and Saturday mornings and of course because we have two little ones, they need to spend time with him as well, this went on for about a year and I know the feelings that I had were of lonliness and even a littel resentment that I had no personal time with him, only when he was tuckered out basically, doesn't make for much of a marriage, and though we love and respect one another and never had the feeling of leaving one another, it was a very trying time, now, I don't know what the whole situation is within your home, but could your wife be feeling lonliness or even neglected? I know you said she has always wanted attention but what is your current life style like? How much time do you really have with her? I do understand where you are coming from and I sense that you love all your family and just don't know how to balance your time and make everyone happy, including yourself, my husband has been in that same situation and though it didn't change over night, we worked it out, still have our moments but things are much better and I think it is becasue of the communication and date nights and the little things he does for me and our girls.
 
July 29, 2005, 12:49 pm CDT

second husband

Hello all,

 

I have 3 children from my first mariage. My second husband, who i love very much, has other ideas regarding parenting. His childhood was not a pleasant one. His parents were neglected him in some ways, his twin sister was and is their favorite. Sometimes i think he wants the children to be little adults. We almost never have fights, but if we have they are all about the children. I won't like that at all. But i don't no how to change this. I am from the Netherlands and my English is probably not always correct, i hope that anyone of you can give me tips how to handle this problem. My husband loves the children and they love him back, that is not the problem, the only problem is that he cannot understand that these are children and not little adults. The children are 13, 10 and 7 years old.

 
July 29, 2005, 2:36 pm CDT

Balancing Marriage and Family

 
First | Prev | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Next | Last