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Topic : Balancing Marriage and Family
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July 14, 2007, 8:06 pm PDT
 I just got married for the second time, with a beautiful woman. For several months now we have been having problems with our marriage. One of the problems is her daughter. She does not want to share her mother with me. I let them do the mother and daughter thing, and it does not seem to be enough. My step daughter treats me with no respect, and when I tell her that she should stop acting rude she gets mad, and so does her mother. I had told my wife I should treat her as she treats me, and maybe she would see how wrong it is. Well, that back fired. My wife now says that do not like her, and I treat her like crap. Well, her daughter was treaing me the same way, and she never said anything to her. I'm stuck, and do not know what to do. My wife and my relationship has gone south, and so did our sex life. Rather than her looking at me she looks through me. I need help. Am I doing something wrong. It's so hard to live with a person you love so much, and they treat you as you were not even there. I m lost. |
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July 14, 2007, 8:17 pm PDT
Quote From: hitman78 I need some help as, I don't know what to do anymore. I am not even sure where this post should be posted. I am married 4 years to my wife and we just had our first son. Almost from the start of our relationship the in-laws were a issue. My Parents stay in a town about 1000km from us. From the time of me going to university this was the case and I was used to a setting where I don't see them for +- 3 months at a time (At varsity) and before the birth of our child about every 5 months. Then when we do visit (normally in vaction time) it will be for about 10 days at a time. My in-laws stay about 40km from us. I would like some advice as I don't know what to do anymore. Me and my wife have been fighting about this almost every now and then. With my wife working with her parents now (From about a year ago), she sees them every day at work. Now when she went on maternity leave, she was very unhappy when my parents come to visit for a second time for a week since our son's birth in May. Her mother comes and visits for +- 3 times a week, but for +- an hour during the day. I understand that they (both parents) are very excited about their grandchild and want to see him the most they can. That is also why I told my wife you can't tell any of them they may not visit. Still now problem so far. Now. According to my wife her parents visits is not the same as my parents. (There is always some "reason" for their visit-Brought as this thing or that). I am not overexcited about seeing my in-laws everyday for a few reasons. 1) My wife's mother is her final advice person on all issues. Even when she asked my opion or it is even a family matter between us, She will call her mom and take her advise. 2) My inlaws always talk about - My wife's house, My wife's car, My wife's child, I are visiting my wife. When I raise the issue that it is a problem for me, because it saw that they are not acknowledge me, they are making jokes about it now. My wife included. My wife will say "We can collect the items their at my house. Ooops. Hahahaha, I mean OUR house" She and her mother laughing. Even when her Dad said the prayer at a dinner he said "Thank you Lord for the child, and we know "my Wife" deserves him". Then later the week when it came up in a conversation between me and my wife, she said yes it was wrong, but it was because he was very nervous. I don't feel my wife understands why this "stupid" few words is important to me. 3) I wife share a lot of the issues that I feel we should deal with between her and me with her parents and they just hear her side of the story. So it is obvious that they will make certain judgements and keep it in their head. 4) On certain issues (and know even more with our son) I feel strongly on how I want to raise my child. Me and my wife might disagree on certain issues, but I feel that we should find a something that will work for us. But even then I will be made as crazy to want it a certain way and my wife and her parents will either tell me this or show me this. There are some more maybe "stupid" things that hurt me and feel that I am here on my own and need to "fight" for some issues even though it should be me and my wife's to make. Some issue that I feel is a big problem is the way my wife deal with a "fight". It is a fight for her and she has to win at all cost and according to me she wins everytime. What I am scared of as the things she is saying is not hurting that much as it use to hurt and I am scared that I just feel "blocking" myself from getting her. Retracting. Things she will say: 1) Just F%#off out of my life 2) Lets divorse because I am tired of fighting on this issue. 3) She will roll her eyes 4) Put her finger in her ears so she can't her what I am saying 5) Just talk over everyting I am saying. 6) Retract her fist like she want to hit me. 7) Yell and shout at me at the top of her voice. 8) Just keep quiet and don't answer me when I asked her a question. 9) I think she said sorry 2 times in the 4 years, and normally with some justification, because being wrong will mean losing the fight, so it is not an option. I even sometimes felt to just overseas or something, but my wife always say, we can move, but then I need to make the money that she is getting from her parents for working for them, because she is not going to work for anyone else. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife to death, but a lot of times I just feel It would be better for me as person to leave, because I am tired of they way she is blackmailing (Saying she wants to divorse every time we fight) and hurting me as person with her actions and fighting style. Please adivise if I am doing something wrong and what I can do better the relationship, so we can have a wonderfull enviroment for my son which I love so so so much! Thanks! I feel waht you are saying. My wife and I argue, and she is never wrong. Of course she says I am the one that thinks I am right all the time. I have said I'm sorry for argueing that we have, and she has yet to say Sorry one time. I always tell her how good she looks and nice things to her all the time, and she has maybe said something nice to me 4 times in the time we have been married. It's just the little things that count. I wish I had an answer for you, but I am in the same boat. All I can say is stick with it. Let her know how you feel, and maybe she will start to listen. I wish for some help too. |
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July 17, 2007, 2:40 pm PDT
Quote From: kisha77 I know you love your husband why after how he has treated you I don't know but you have kids and that is your number one proity. If he can't meet you half way then you shouldn't be married 50/50. your his wife not his employer or child and that is how he is treating you. It will hurt but you don't want to be feeling how you feel for the rest of your life and what about how your kids are feeling remember they get affected also. LEAVE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!! Well ladies...let me tell you what happened. He moved in with me and has been living with me for about 3 weeks now. He did see another woman while we were seperated and that still bothers me to a point. I have forgiven him so now I just need to forget it...but she lives around town so that is the harder part of the deal. I hurt soo much when we are split up. How do I explain to him that my kids come first? I still cant believe that I would marry a selfish person. It is for sure a "looks" type relationship. He has told me If I ever get fat he would leave me not sure if he means it or not but who knows. I am a little person and my family is so maybe i wont gain weight but who knows. Anyways, he has gotten better with my kids and I have learned to overlook his "sarcasm" so I am taking this one day at a time...put it this way...if I KISS his butt we are okay...if I try to help out someone he gets upset...i could talk all day and try to get answers on my life but until i can figure this out I will continue to listen to your advice. Thanks all!! |
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July 18, 2007, 8:48 am PDT
Dr. Phil is always talking about whether or not an issue is a deal breaker in a marriage. I'm wondering about my issue right now.
My husband and I met while he was going through a divorce. I found out he was still married and opted not to furthur our relationship until his divorce was final. We waited over a year before we started dating. He knew my faith and church was a big part of my life. He opted to go to church with me and even was baptized before our wedding. We dated about two years before we got married. We were very happy and attended church regularly Sun morning, night and alot on Wed night. Our church began having some political and internal probelms and we chose to lay low from those issues we were going through some rough infertility problems at the time and didn't need to borrow stress from outside forces. We never got going back regularly. I missed it greatly and felt very lacking in that important area of my life. We became foster parents and I thought we mutually agreed we needed to start making a bigger effort. I grew up with my parents not attending church and did not want to raise children that way. My husband knew this and said he agreed. I even started teaching Sunday school to make me accountable for attending. I started attending alone with my now three adopted children. Our church had no other children but ours. My 8, and two three year olds were missing out on alot of socialization opportunities. I am a stay at home mom and this was all our our sole socialization and outings some weeks, outside of school for my oldest son. My husband not happy with our church agreed we needed to search for a church we could be happy with together as a family. I left our church with my husbands blessing, now we don't go at all. Always some excuse. I am getting depressed, frustrated and frankly feel betrayed and resentful. I have given up everything, I no longer work, don't have that much of a relationship with my family (they don't like my husband) my world consists of my kids, husband, house. I tried joining a womens sorority but it is at night and interfers with volunteer fire fighting meeting nights, things he needs to be doing for the pig farm we are trying to start and getting things done around the house. So I don't know if that is going to work out. We have been married thirteen years and yes ups and downs, I love my husband, but right now am feeling lost and empty without a church. Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill and risking my family that we went through hell and back to acheive? In my faith, the husband should be the head of the household, but I with all my heart believe my family should be in church. I am not meaning to be dramatic, but I truly feel like i have given up everything for my husband and my children, I even let my EMT license laps to devote everything to my precioius sons and husband. My parents and siblings have never understood our journey of fostering and adopting and I don't have a support system in that direction, his family is over supportive and has no boundries so I try not to seek much from them they are way to controlling and I can't take that, that is why we have distanced ourselves from mine. My husband is not abusive, maybe it's normal to have these feelings after thirteen years. I moved from my parents controlling/judgemental house to my husbands and am not all that worldly or experienced to be honest when I married my husband at the age of 26 I wasn't even real sure how to be a wife. I'd never even done laundry or cleaned my own room. Is it selfish of me now to make an issue of asserting my desires for a church home and more Christ centered home. |
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July 18, 2007, 12:48 pm PDT
Quote From: faullzoomom Dr. Phil is always talking about whether or not an issue is a deal breaker in a marriage. I'm wondering about my issue right now.
My husband and I met while he was going through a divorce. I found out he was still married and opted not to furthur our relationship until his divorce was final. We waited over a year before we started dating. He knew my faith and church was a big part of my life. He opted to go to church with me and even was baptized before our wedding. We dated about two years before we got married. We were very happy and attended church regularly Sun morning, night and alot on Wed night. Our church began having some political and internal probelms and we chose to lay low from those issues we were going through some rough infertility problems at the time and didn't need to borrow stress from outside forces. We never got going back regularly. I missed it greatly and felt very lacking in that important area of my life. We became foster parents and I thought we mutually agreed we needed to start making a bigger effort. I grew up with my parents not attending church and did not want to raise children that way. My husband knew this and said he agreed. I even started teaching Sunday school to make me accountable for attending. I started attending alone with my now three adopted children. Our church had no other children but ours. My 8, and two three year olds were missing out on alot of socialization opportunities. I am a stay at home mom and this was all our our sole socialization and outings some weeks, outside of school for my oldest son. My husband not happy with our church agreed we needed to search for a church we could be happy with together as a family. I left our church with my husbands blessing, now we don't go at all. Always some excuse. I am getting depressed, frustrated and frankly feel betrayed and resentful. I have given up everything, I no longer work, don't have that much of a relationship with my family (they don't like my husband) my world consists of my kids, husband, house. I tried joining a womens sorority but it is at night and interfers with volunteer fire fighting meeting nights, things he needs to be doing for the pig farm we are trying to start and getting things done around the house. So I don't know if that is going to work out. We have been married thirteen years and yes ups and downs, I love my husband, but right now am feeling lost and empty without a church. Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill and risking my family that we went through hell and back to acheive? In my faith, the husband should be the head of the household, but I with all my heart believe my family should be in church. I am not meaning to be dramatic, but I truly feel like i have given up everything for my husband and my children, I even let my EMT license laps to devote everything to my precioius sons and husband. My parents and siblings have never understood our journey of fostering and adopting and I don't have a support system in that direction, his family is over supportive and has no boundries so I try not to seek much from them they are way to controlling and I can't take that, that is why we have distanced ourselves from mine. My husband is not abusive, maybe it's normal to have these feelings after thirteen years. I moved from my parents controlling/judgemental house to my husbands and am not all that worldly or experienced to be honest when I married my husband at the age of 26 I wasn't even real sure how to be a wife. I'd never even done laundry or cleaned my own room. Is it selfish of me now to make an issue of asserting my desires for a church home and more Christ centered home. I totally understand what you are going through. Through the church your husband is the man of the house but its also his job to make sure you and your family are in church. I dont really believe a woman should be TOTALLY submissive if the man is not appreciating it. It says in the bible that a woman should be submissive to the man. But it also says its the MAN job to attend church and that is not your fault that you arent in church. You can go without him .. they may make him want to go because the church look at him as a bad person for not attending. I know my husband went to a church when we met and I started attending with him...he only goes when he has his kids. I want to go full time but this church seems a little hypocritical to me and it doesnt make me feel at home...I want a church that when I go in they are smiling...and greetable. I like to know I dont have to be FAKE at church. If there is one place you dont need to be fake at .. that is church. I go to church to get the word fo God. I dont go if my husband doesnt go but because its his JOB to get us into church. I wont go to "HIS" church without him and he wont go to another church. Its either HIS church or NO church...so I understand how you feel about going to another church...all you can do is say HEY...I want to get back in to church but do your research first...find a good one or better yet find one that a friend of his goes to so he isnt so uncomfortable...maybe that would work...try that. I wish I had a better answer for you but I dont. I am sorry. good luck and if you have any advice for me...please feel free to share :) May God Bless you and your family!! I think what you do is WONDERFUL! I admire you! |
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July 18, 2007, 1:02 pm PDT
Quote From: hitman78 I need some help as, I don't know what to do anymore. I am not even sure where this post should be posted. I am married 4 years to my wife and we just had our first son. Almost from the start of our relationship the in-laws were a issue. My Parents stay in a town about 1000km from us. From the time of me going to university this was the case and I was used to a setting where I don't see them for +- 3 months at a time (At varsity) and before the birth of our child about every 5 months. Then when we do visit (normally in vaction time) it will be for about 10 days at a time. My in-laws stay about 40km from us. I would like some advice as I don't know what to do anymore. Me and my wife have been fighting about this almost every now and then. With my wife working with her parents now (From about a year ago), she sees them every day at work. Now when she went on maternity leave, she was very unhappy when my parents come to visit for a second time for a week since our son's birth in May. Her mother comes and visits for +- 3 times a week, but for +- an hour during the day. I understand that they (both parents) are very excited about their grandchild and want to see him the most they can. That is also why I told my wife you can't tell any of them they may not visit. Still now problem so far. Now. According to my wife her parents visits is not the same as my parents. (There is always some "reason" for their visit-Brought as this thing or that). I am not overexcited about seeing my in-laws everyday for a few reasons. 1) My wife's mother is her final advice person on all issues. Even when she asked my opion or it is even a family matter between us, She will call her mom and take her advise. 2) My inlaws always talk about - My wife's house, My wife's car, My wife's child, I are visiting my wife. When I raise the issue that it is a problem for me, because it saw that they are not acknowledge me, they are making jokes about it now. My wife included. My wife will say "We can collect the items their at my house. Ooops. Hahahaha, I mean OUR house" She and her mother laughing. Even when her Dad said the prayer at a dinner he said "Thank you Lord for the child, and we know "my Wife" deserves him". Then later the week when it came up in a conversation between me and my wife, she said yes it was wrong, but it was because he was very nervous. I don't feel my wife understands why this "stupid" few words is important to me. 3) I wife share a lot of the issues that I feel we should deal with between her and me with her parents and they just hear her side of the story. So it is obvious that they will make certain judgements and keep it in their head. 4) On certain issues (and know even more with our son) I feel strongly on how I want to raise my child. Me and my wife might disagree on certain issues, but I feel that we should find a something that will work for us. But even then I will be made as crazy to want it a certain way and my wife and her parents will either tell me this or show me this. There are some more maybe "stupid" things that hurt me and feel that I am here on my own and need to "fight" for some issues even though it should be me and my wife's to make. Some issue that I feel is a big problem is the way my wife deal with a "fight". It is a fight for her and she has to win at all cost and according to me she wins everytime. What I am scared of as the things she is saying is not hurting that much as it use to hurt and I am scared that I just feel "blocking" myself from getting her. Retracting. Things she will say: 1) Just F%#off out of my life 2) Lets divorse because I am tired of fighting on this issue. 3) She will roll her eyes 4) Put her finger in her ears so she can't her what I am saying 5) Just talk over everyting I am saying. 6) Retract her fist like she want to hit me. 7) Yell and shout at me at the top of her voice. 8) Just keep quiet and don't answer me when I asked her a question. 9) I think she said sorry 2 times in the 4 years, and normally with some justification, because being wrong will mean losing the fight, so it is not an option. I even sometimes felt to just overseas or something, but my wife always say, we can move, but then I need to make the money that she is getting from her parents for working for them, because she is not going to work for anyone else. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife to death, but a lot of times I just feel It would be better for me as person to leave, because I am tired of they way she is blackmailing (Saying she wants to divorse every time we fight) and hurting me as person with her actions and fighting style. Please adivise if I am doing something wrong and what I can do better the relationship, so we can have a wonderfull enviroment for my son which I love so so so much! Thanks! I think she needs some counseling. She obviously has some anger issues that she needs to deal with. I have to take into consideration that there is always 2 sides to every story but what you are saying that she does to you ... is childish. Are you two going to church? She is obviously under a lot of stress at work or home. that can cause a lot of flairs from her attitude but it isnt right. They say you are supposed to treat your lover better than your neighbor and it sounds like she is doing just the opposite. I dont think the saying "love hurts" is true. It isnt supposed to hurt. Its made to make you happy...if you arent happy...LEAVE HER and see how that works. Next time she threatens you with a divorce...go file. She knows nothing will happen because you dont do anything...Make her sit and think about what she has done. Dont give in to her. She obviously needs to know where her place is...she is the WIFE and you are the HUSBAND> The bible says the Man is the Man of house and that is TRUE...if she works you help out around the house but if she is a stay home mom...then you work and come home and get tended too..thats it. Dont let her hurt you anymore...Love her unconditionally!! If she fights with her...FIGHT back...not physically but dont let her talk to you like that or threaten you...next time she does...take action. Leave!! Be prepared for a BIG fight but if she is going to continue to act this way and not see she is hurting you...then you dont need her. It will hurt but it will either help or hurt more...I am guessing it will HELP! You have been doing this same thing now...why not try something different...get counseling...anger management...CHURCH!!! And PRAY!!!!!!!! Prayer works!!! |
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July 18, 2007, 10:06 pm PDT
I just wanted to thank the mom's who have been posting their situations on this board. It's comforting to know that I'm not alone and that there are so many other woman out there who are feeling just as overwhelmed as I do and also feel that they are doing it all alone. *Hugs to all* I think we could all use a great big bear hug and a great big cry-fest. |
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July 22, 2007, 8:56 pm PDT
do to my work schedule I have git to spend most of the time with my son durring to the day untel he gose to daycare, well I drop him off and go to the gym before I have to go to work. My wife only get to spend about 3hrs per day with at nigth and since I work alot of night she dosnt get to do what she wants with out have to worry about our son. the facted to she cant do what she wants and I can is a ponit stress for us, I dont understand why she get mad at me over this there must be something I am not seeing someone please tell me, and what I should do to fix the problem. |
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July 26, 2007, 3:29 am PDT
Quote From: snasteen I think she needs some counseling. She obviously has some anger issues that she needs to deal with. I have to take into consideration that there is always 2 sides to every story but what you are saying that she does to you ... is childish. Are you two going to church? She is obviously under a lot of stress at work or home. that can cause a lot of flairs from her attitude but it isnt right. They say you are supposed to treat your lover better than your neighbor and it sounds like she is doing just the opposite. I dont think the saying "love hurts" is true. It isnt supposed to hurt. Its made to make you happy...if you arent happy...LEAVE HER and see how that works. Next time she threatens you with a divorce...go file. She knows nothing will happen because you dont do anything...Make her sit and think about what she has done. Dont give in to her. She obviously needs to know where her place is...she is the WIFE and you are the HUSBAND> The bible says the Man is the Man of house and that is TRUE...if she works you help out around the house but if she is a stay home mom...then you work and come home and get tended too..thats it. Dont let her hurt you anymore...Love her unconditionally!! If she fights with her...FIGHT back...not physically but dont let her talk to you like that or threaten you...next time she does...take action. Leave!! Be prepared for a BIG fight but if she is going to continue to act this way and not see she is hurting you...then you dont need her. It will hurt but it will either help or hurt more...I am guessing it will HELP! You have been doing this same thing now...why not try something different...get counseling...anger management...CHURCH!!! And PRAY!!!!!!!! Prayer works!!! Hi, Thanks for the advice. It is going better somewhat. It might be the added stress when my parents were here, but I still don't agree with the way she is fighting. It is a fact that you will disagree, but then you should deal with it in a good manner. That is how I feel. Like stated earlier my wife's parents live close by. Now I even feel angry/sad when my wife goes and visit them with our son during the day. Like this week, my her mother was at our house on Monday, (+- 1 hour), Tuesday my wife went to them (+- 3 hours), Today Thursday she went there again (+-4 hours) and tommorrow she will see them again. Then she speaks to them on the phone a few times a day. I don't know why I feel the way I do. It is not like I can spend time with my wife at these times as I am working. Am I wrong to feel this way? Should I work on it? What should I do to make this better? |
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July 26, 2007, 11:39 am PDT
Quote From: hitman78 Hi, Thanks for the advice. It is going better somewhat. It might be the added stress when my parents were here, but I still don't agree with the way she is fighting. It is a fact that you will disagree, but then you should deal with it in a good manner. That is how I feel. Like stated earlier my wife's parents live close by. Now I even feel angry/sad when my wife goes and visit them with our son during the day. Like this week, my her mother was at our house on Monday, (+- 1 hour), Tuesday my wife went to them (+- 3 hours), Today Thursday she went there again (+-4 hours) and tommorrow she will see them again. Then she speaks to them on the phone a few times a day. I don't know why I feel the way I do. It is not like I can spend time with my wife at these times as I am working. Am I wrong to feel this way? Should I work on it? What should I do to make this better? i will be honest with you...i like spending time with my parents but not as much as she does sounds like. But on the other hand if I knew it bothered my husband that I was spending time with my family or anyone for that matter I would want to know why but I would respect the fact that he is the man of the house. I know you may not know this or admit but you are being a little selfish I think when it comes to her spending time with her mother. I know its hard because you have to work and she doesnt...and she can see her mom and you have yours far away. But think about it...if you were home all day and your mom was close by...wouldnt you go see her alot? I think you and her need to plan a trip to go see your family and spend a weekend or even a week...if she has a problem with that go without her. You are the man of the house...what you say GOES...and I dont mean to be mean to your wife...it sounds like that is the last thing that you want to do or you would not be with her anymore. I hope you arent bashing your son's grandma in front of him for one. I know its hard...I really do. My husband's mom is not with us anymore. Its hard for him to see me with my mom but he knows that at any moment it could be my last with her and he wishes he could have that moment back. Now. if she is spending YOUR FAMILY time away from you without you...thats not good. If she is doing it while you are at work...thats okay I think...Maybe I need to re-read your previous letter and give you a better aspect of this situation. I dont think you Hate your mother in law because if it wasnt for her you wouldnt have your wife and if it wasnt for your wife you wouldnt have your son. I believe everything happens for a reason and I believe if you just pray about it...it will all work out for you the way it is supposed to. I am glad to hear that your situation has gotten better. But you need to talk to your wife and tell her if she dont get "anger management" you will leave her. And take your son with YOU!!! You dont want your son growing up like that...he doesnt need that...there is enough violence in this world. Dont let her going with her mom bother you...she knows it bothers you obviously and if she is already angry and violent she doesnt care what you think anyways...do something for you...and when she sees it doesnt bother her...she will STOP! Or lose you and it sounds like you are a good husband/father and that is what GOD intended for you to be. Dont give up...but BE YOU!!!! |
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