Topic : Balancing Marriage and Family

Hello,We have 2 1/2year old twins, a girl and a boy.   My problem is that my husband seems to be too obsessed with being a father, so much so that I feel that he is taking over my role as a mother, even trying to show I am a bad mother  and trying to push me out.  

To everyone he seems to be the perfect father.  And often I feel lucky that he does a lot for the children. However, ever since they were born he has not stopped critising me concerning the kids and in front of them. If they eat lunch too late, it is my fault, if they go too bed too late it is my fault,  if they spill milk at duriing dinner , it is my fault because I filled the cup too full.  My son fell down the stairs once and that too was my fault (my husband was at teh top of the stairs and I was at the bottom). He has critisced the way I read them stories.  If there is a plastic bag left found, a knife left on the table (when I have been doing the cooking and he walks into the kitchen , he starts on at me). I might be changing a diaper and if the child is rolling around crying, he’ll come over all in patient and say,” go downstairs and get the things ready to go out, it is best that I do that (change the diaper). We might be walking down the stairs and he’ll say, hold Emily’s hand.  He’ll say what he thinks they should be wearing or not wearing.... 

Also, since the kids have been born, he has stopped doing any maintenance to the house.  He wont put up the needed cupboards (which would help to tidy up the place which is full of clutter – which is alway my fault and for me to tidy away), or put up shelves, repair things, change a light bulb (of course, I change all the accessible ones but some are difficult to get to). There are curtains,which I washed and and put the hooks back on, waiting to be put up – they have sitting on an armchair in living room for past 2 weeks (have to get heavy ladder from outside).  He said he’d do it but now when I bring it up he tells me to do it.  Yeah, I could maybe but then he’d let me do all that kind of thing and he’d simply look after kids, of course not doing what he expects me too do, the  laundry, the cooking, tidying  the house (we do have a cleaner thank goodness, but it  the time she comes isnt enough to keep whole house clean and tidy), go shopping. And It is me who has to worry about if we are overdrawn at teh bank, writting complicated administrative letters (such as trying to get reimbursed for something) etc, etc.... 

He doesnt mind taking both out into the town even though they arent easy even for him because he seems to like the attention he gets (dad alone with young twins?where is mum, and he gets admiring looks and attention)
 

I go out to work like he does and I am so tired and frustrated.  He just says, “I dont know why, I looked after kids all morning and I am one who needs to sit down” My son is all the time wanting his Papa (fortunatley, my daughter is more after mummy) which I know is normal but it can be a bit hurtful when he refuses to take my hand in the street and only holds his fathers.   

When my husband is not there the children are perfectly fine with me.  

You’ve been together for 7 years, that means that your husband’s family has been your child’s extended family for almost half of her life- it IS her family! It would be totally different if just you and your husband were going, having this be a ‘couple only’ trip, but since his son is going, your daughter should absolutely go, too.

Have you talked about this topic since he said these things? You have two choices: the first is to approach him in a calm, rational manner and bring it up. Even if he gets heated, do not allow yourself to raise your voice or to engage in an argument- you don’t want that to happen. You want to resolve this issue, not continue arguing about it. The only way to do that is to force yourself to be calm and rational about it. Explain that that since you are married, this is your daughter’s family, and that it hurts your feelings to know he doesn’t think that way, that he is keeping your child separate in his mind.

Your second choice is to not go; you and your daughter simply stay home. You will have to accept that he keeps your child separate from his family and live with that- do you think that is possible? It is understandable that this would make you feel differently about him, that it would make you feel emotionally less connected and less attracted to him. This could be the demise of your relationship.

This issue doesn’t have to become bigger then it already is. You simply need to talk about it and come to an understanding about it. It is okay to not agree with one another, as long as you can live with the results of that disagreement. But can you live with it? I don’t think that I could. Best of luck to you.

It is understandable that you get angry because of the mean things that he says. My advice to you is to approach him when there is no argument between the two of you, say to him, in a calm, rational voice, that you don’t want to have nasty arguments with him anymore. If he doesn’t take responsibility, if he says the arguments are because you get angry too fast, you should respond by saying- again, in a calm, rational manner- that you get angry because he says very hurtful things. Tell him that you don’t need to get into who said what, that you don’t want to re-hash the last argument that you had, you just want to make an agreement with him that the next time an argument comes up, you both agree that you will not say mean, hurtful things. If you don’t agree on something, you have to find a way to speak up in a calm and reasonable manner, not in a way that is argumentative. The only person that you have control over is you, you can’t change the way that he reacts/interacts with you- you can only change the way that you react during an argument. You know for a fact that the way you’ve been reacting does not work, and you know that you are tired of it, so it is time to try a new tactic; what do you have to lose?