Topic : Balancing Marriage and Family

Wait, wait…if it is so hard to get him mad, why do the two of you argue so much? From what you’ve described, it sounds like it is the opposite; it sounds more like he gets angry easily and says hurtful things.

You have no control over your husband; the only person you have any control over is YOU- when he is angry and says hurtful things, you do not have to respond. I know it feels like you have to; but when you respond, you are only keeping the arguing going. You can make the choice to not say mean/negative things back. I urge you to just try it a few times. As you said, you know that you’ll be fighting again later, so why not go on and give it a try- just simply do not respond. Instead, make the choice to either leave the room, or say, “This is getting heated fast, lets take some time to cool off and then talk about it.”

I can honestly say that I have never said hurtful things just to make someone else mad. I’ve had some arguments in my life, and I never had to make anything up that was hurtful; if I said it, I meant it- I probably regretted it later, but I either say how I feel at the time or say nothing at all. I’ve learned, as I’ve gotten a little older and more mature, that it isn’t necessary to say hurtful things, it isn’t even necessary to argue. You can refuse to engage in an argument, what is he going to do, argue with himself? I doubt it. As I said, I know it is difficult to break old habits, even ones that are bad for you, but it sounds like you are tired of this cycle and only you can do something to break it. Best wishes!

I need help quick! I am a 33 year old woman, married with no children but I have two step-children.  My husband and I have been married for nine this June. My husband and I had what I thought was a good marriage until about 3 years ago.  More recently, we have had problems we can't seem to get past.  Years ago, when we he and I were dating, I thought that I got along well enough with his family.  I was never especially close to any of them but I thought that we could be common cordiall to each other.  Somewhere along the way, his mother began to say and do strange things to me for no obvious reasons.  I would enter a room and she would give me very strange angry looks or answer my questions hostily or maybe not answer at all.  I would call her and she'd hang up in my face for no reason.  I tried handling it on my on but i had no luck.  After quite a while, I shared my problems with my husband. I didn't get him involved initialy because I hoped to handle it without him.  When I told him, he blew it off.  "Yeah mama can be a lil crazy some times" he would say.  He didn't make a big deal about it so I let it go the first few times I brought something to him.  But of course, things got worse over the years. It got to the point that she seemed to wait untill my husband leaves the room to show her disdain for me. Again, I have no idea what I have done to cause any of this. This time, I was more demanding with my husband. I told him i needed his help with this problem because I tried talking to her about it, I tried ignoring it, I tried joking it away. He then said, "Well you probably misunderstood."  I don't think you could misunderstand anyone repeatedly hanging up in your face. I know how fragile this situation must be for him but I don't know how to handle it.  Plus, my husband's sister and father have witnessed this behavior and have said or done nothing to stop it.  I am not surprised that family would support family but I'm dissapointed that right and wrong has never been considered in this situation.  I asked my husband if I ha talk to or treated his family the way that they had me, would he be as protective of me.  He said NO! Very quickly and clearly, he said no.  This broke me down. Since that day, I have not been interested in sex with him or intimacy or anything that couples should be.  Just this has left me believing that everything I once thought about our relationship was wrong.  I no longer trust this man with my things that are important to me.  I haven't shared things with him that he would want to know because I've started to feel that he is not really my husband anymore.  I look at him and can no longer see the man I was crazy about years ago.  I have emotionally given up on trying to find my way back to trusting him. I didn't choose this current feeling, it's just what I feel. 

The way I have dealt with the problem lately is I just don't go to my in laws houses.  I am not trying to be rude to them, I just don't know how else to keep down the drama.  In fact I am a very non-drama type of person so this is that much harder for me.  It is hard to include all the important facts here so let me try to sum it up.  I love my husband, I have a small immediate family so I welcomed my husbands family, they didn't feel the same way about me.  My husband more or less blames me for the lack of relationship between his family and I.  My husband doesn't help with the situation, he just stays out of it and tells me that I shouldn't be so over sensitive.  Biggest problem, I don't feel over sensitive.  I feel right.  I don't need to be right, I feel that I am right.  I think that if my in laws don't want or don't know how to respect me, we should grately limit our contact.  I don't have any answer for wut I should do as far as feeling unappreciated by my husband.  I need someone to help me sort some of these problems out.  Thanks 

When I read your message, it touched me very deeply.  I have an older brother who has an extreme drinking problem.  He can't hold any jobs, he has no real friends, no real life.  I see this tearing him down more and more every day and I am powerless to help him.  I beg, threaten, plead, bribe and anything else I can think of to try to help him. All to no avail.  The only thing I can offer you are what I have done to try to cope with my brother's choice for his life.  I attend support groups for families of addiction dependent people.  At the meetings they can really help you navigate through some of these difficult times.  They can show you some things you may never have think of on your on.  They can also give you support and education on the type of addiction that your spouse is facing. If you'll just google the city and state that  you live in and alanon, you should find support groups in your area.  There are often more than one, so if you try one and it doesn't do what you want, try another.  I hope this helps you because I know just how hard it can be to watch your loved ones go through devastating addictions. Good Luck!

I've been married to my wife for 10 years and we have a 4 year old and a 2 year old.  I work out of the home and my wife is a stay-at-home mom.  Taking care of the kids is her job and she does very well at it.  In fact, she goes above and beyond with ensuring that our kids are taken care of in every way.  Her dedication is appreciated, but her devotion to being the ultimate mother is affecting our marriage and I'm beginning to harbor resentment against her.

As parents, our children are obviously a main topic of discussion.  However, most of the time when I offer an opinion that even resembles a lack of agreement with her she snaps back at me and it sometimes turns into a huge fight.  Even innocent comments result in her snapping at me - sometimes in front of our friends and family.  I've just accepted that (1) my job is outside the house (2) and her job is to make ALL decisions related to our children.  However, I have accepted this just to not rock the boat but I do resent it.  I'm a great father and want to and feel a right to be part of the decision making process.  Unfortunately, in order to do this, I risk severely damaging our marriage.

The irony of it all is that we don't have different parenting methods.  Our methods are almost identical but those times where I would like to do something different are when I'm beat down for it.

I am feeling really hopeless and desperate and I feel that the longer this goes on the more my resentment will grow.

my husband is spanish. i am white. i'm 23 and a year older than him.  we've only been married 6 months. and we didnt know each other very long before we married--yes, stupid, i realize. because he is spanish he says him and his family are really close. which i can understand somewhat. he's not the baby, but they treat him like the baby. his mother babies him completely. when we were dating, they were nice to me. heis sister was a litte weird, but nothing major.

after we got married adn right before, things changed. it's like their whole life revolves around him. and in turn, our life revolves around them! my husband picks them over me! they say crap about me and he doesnt even defend it. when my husband and i get in a fight, he runs away to them and tells them how awful and controlling his wife is caz she doesnt like seeing them every other day and calling them 5 X a day. he eventually comes back but it's like so much of our marital relationship is ruined--whatever happen to the sacred bond in marriage? that loyalty? that privacty? i'm a big beleiver in not sharing your marriage problems with others--esp the people that are the probnlem! or putting down oyur marriage mate to othersw. i'm at the point where i dont even want to be married to him anymore. i think he just wants to go back to being a selfish single mamas boy. he says he loves me and i think he does or he wouldnt be here--but he doesnt act like it. hes not affectionate at all sicne our last fight where he shared all the details of our marriage with his family and his family proceeded to call him up when he came back and curse him out and me out for not leaving each other and staying with them (his mommy and daddy). i cnat take this anymore. help!!!! he seems to like it this way. i cant deal with his family being in my life constantly. when i got married, i expected us to be our own family. i expect to involve them in our lives still, yes, but on a more normal basis and united as a married couple. his familty treats me like i dont exsist, has cussed me out for no reason, his dad is a functioning alcoholic who calls and cusses me out caz my husbands sister didnt like that i told her it hurt my feelings when she purposely ignores me sitting right next to my husband and only invites him to go to a theme park., i thought that was incredibly rude. my husband thinks his family can do no wrong adn only i am wrong. i dont trust my husabnd. i dont feel like hes loyal to me. i feel like our entire relationship is undermined by his other family. and they live across the street! and my husband wont move. he hates change. go figure. HELP!!!