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Topic : Cheated On

Number of Replies: 4851
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:01:22 pm
Author : dataimport
If your partner's been unfaithful, find support here. General talk and debate about infidelity can be found in our Infidelity discussion.

 
weblizard
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giddy
July 23, 2005, 5:57 pm PDT

First Post!

Well, it's geeky joy to be the first poster, but sad for why... I have been in a committed relationship for many years now, and things have been painful lately. I was forced out of my job of 19 years this spring; as a result, I have been fighting depression (yes, I am getting therapy and meds). I'm trying to keep this short- I was closing everyone and everything out- including him. He thought I was slowly leaving me, but feared talking to me because he didn't wan tto cause more pain. He was confiding in a female friend that he had lost me , and you can guess the rest. We have been talking a lot the past couple of weeks- but he said he has to speak with her face to face to resolve what he is doing. He leaves tomorrow to fly out to meet her. I don't know what to say before he leaves. We don't live together, so it isn't like waiting for him to come home from work tonight. What do I do? We both feel we are the love of each other's life, but he is confused about what he is feeling apparently. help...
 
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dhalley
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July 24, 2005, 9:51 am PDT

Cheated On

Well, it's geeky joy to be the first poster, but sad for why... I have been in a committed relationship for many years now, and things have been painful lately. I was forced out of my job of 19 years this spring; as a result, I have been fighting depression (yes, I am getting therapy and meds). I'm trying to keep this short- I was closing everyone and everything out- including him. He thought I was slowly leaving me, but feared talking to me because he didn't wan tto cause more pain. He was confiding in a female friend that he had lost me , and you can guess the rest. We have been talking a lot the past couple of weeks- but he said he has to speak with her face to face to resolve what he is doing. He leaves tomorrow to fly out to meet her. I don't know what to say before he leaves. We don't live together, so it isn't like waiting for him to come home from work tonight. What do I do? We both feel we are the love of each other's life, but he is confused about what he is feeling apparently. help...
 If it were me...I would help him understand his "confused" feeling by kicking him out the door!  If you were his "true love" he wouldn't have cheated on you, and from what you're saying, he is about to do it again by going to see her.  Don't feel like you can't let him go...you might be alot happier without having to wander if he's being true to you.  And if he ever feels confused again does that give him the right to confide in another woman?? He could've confided in a man just as easily as a woman and not have risked getting involved.  He should've talked to you and not ran off to a stranger to discuss the problems in your relationship.  He should've been there for you through your trials and not added to the list.  I am a true believer in that if a person strays once they will do it again if the situation introduces itself ( and it sounds like it did when he went to see her) I wish you the best of luck and I hope you do what you find to be the best thing for you!!! And maybe being forced out of your job was just  another window being opened for better things. :)     God Bless!
 
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vickies2
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July 24, 2005, 12:55 pm PDT

He is fencesitting-

Well, it's geeky joy to be the first poster, but sad for why... I have been in a committed relationship for many years now, and things have been painful lately. I was forced out of my job of 19 years this spring; as a result, I have been fighting depression (yes, I am getting therapy and meds). I'm trying to keep this short- I was closing everyone and everything out- including him. He thought I was slowly leaving me, but feared talking to me because he didn't wan tto cause more pain. He was confiding in a female friend that he had lost me , and you can guess the rest. We have been talking a lot the past couple of weeks- but he said he has to speak with her face to face to resolve what he is doing. He leaves tomorrow to fly out to meet her. I don't know what to say before he leaves. We don't live together, so it isn't like waiting for him to come home from work tonight. What do I do? We both feel we are the love of each other's life, but he is confused about what he is feeling apparently. help...

  It is your choice to allow it or not. I wouldn't allow it.

 

 

   Why hasn't your relationship developed into a more permanent situation?

 

  The " love of my life " cheated on me also, we were married 18 years and had 8 children together. He cheated, that doesn't mean he isn't the love of my life and vice-versa. Happyily married people can enter into affairs, just as unhappyily married people can. You aren't married though and now it doesn't sound like your boyfriend is very commited to you. What is he flying out to do exactly? He is weighing his options and hoping to end up with both women?

 

  It is your life, decide how you want to live it and do it. If you want a commited monogamous relationship tell him. If he doesn't want the same thing then YOU have a decision to make.
 
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dmmcintyre
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July 24, 2005, 5:26 pm PDT

Cheated On

Lets back track:  I received a call from the other woman last month, and he confessed.  This affair took place while he was working in another state, the state and area that we are to move to.  Anyway, we went on vacation last month and had a great time.  I decided to take her out of my mind (until she called him @ 2:30 am, crazy drunk B____) and really work on our relationship.  The next morning he told me that he would take care of the problem when he returned to work and file a restraining order against her.  Anyway, we really reconnected during our time alone.  It was the best thing for us.  Then a week after our vacation, he returned to his job in the other state.  The enitre time I was very uneasy about it.  Wondering and wondering.  I remember him telling me that I just needed to get over it or it will doom our marriage.  He really hurt my feelings.  I decided to send him an e-mail expressing my feelings and asked him how he would feel if I was the one to have had an affair.  Well I think that worked.  He finally realized that we do need to take about it to get past it and not walk around the giant elephant thats in the middle of our marriage.  Well he has been home for 2 days now, and we still haven't talked yet.  I am still very uneasy about the whole thing, but I came to realize that I love him with all my heart and because of this I want to get past this and for my children.  I'm not sure if I should be the one to start a conversation or should I give him more time to start it.
 
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hurtbad
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July 24, 2005, 10:30 pm PDT

Not a Man

Right, where to start. I have been married to my husband for 28yrs, we have 3 grown up children and are now living on our own. My husband works a job where he is away for a month and home for a month. He was working in Asia for a number of years and while there he started having affairs, one night stands or whatever. This started in the year 2000. i knew something was up and would ask him but of course he denied. Anyway, 18months ago he finally came home and told the truth or part of. He said he had taken a lot of women back to his hotel room, then he changed it to about 5 women, so believe what you want cause I do. He is a constant liar, white lies, black lies and every colour in between. We have not had any sexual contact since 2000, the year he started in Asia. He is on medication for Diabettes and he said it was affecting his libido and he could not get aroused. I had asked him to go see the Dr and we could go together to see about the problem but he always told me he would go when he was ready and that he wasn't really interested anyway. Obviously a lie cause he was interested enough in Asia. To this day he hasn't gotten any help. He knows how I feel, I want the closeness, the intimacy. Anyway, we really have tried to get over the cheating side of things, we had councelling but it still hurts. I find it hard to get over because he was having sex with other women and not me and he is still telling me he is not interested in sex and asks why I can't just accept it. He is still lying to me. Last month he had to go back to Singapore for a few days for work and while he was there he went back to his old self. I got a call at 2am, he was drunk and he wanted me to cancel his credit cards, he lost his wallet. He said he just went out to the 7/11 and must have dropped it on the street. He shouldn't have been out at that time in the morning, he shouldn't have been drinking so much that he would get himself into that state. I know he was lying about where he went, he knows I don't like him drinking a lot. He can't just go out for a beer or two, he keeps drinking till he gets himself into trouble. I am sick of the same old stuff. How can he expect me to start having trust in him when he doesn't let the problems stop, it is one thing after another. Why would he keep lying and acting this way? Yes, I know it's because I allow it, I let him treat me this way. That's what Dr Phil would say but I just had to get this off my chest.
 
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hurtbad
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July 24, 2005, 10:39 pm PDT

Also----

Right, where to start. I have been married to my husband for 28yrs, we have 3 grown up children and are now living on our own. My husband works a job where he is away for a month and home for a month. He was working in Asia for a number of years and while there he started having affairs, one night stands or whatever. This started in the year 2000. i knew something was up and would ask him but of course he denied. Anyway, 18months ago he finally came home and told the truth or part of. He said he had taken a lot of women back to his hotel room, then he changed it to about 5 women, so believe what you want cause I do. He is a constant liar, white lies,black liesand every colour in between. We have not had any sexual contact since 2000, the year he started inAsia. He is on medication for Diabettes and he said it was affecting his libido and he could not get aroused. I had asked him to go see the Dr and we could go together to see about the problem but he always told me he would go when he was ready and that he wasn't really interested anyway. Obviously a lie cause he was interested enough in Asia. To this day he hasn't gotten any help. He knows how I feel, I want the closeness, the intimacy. Anyway, we really have tried to get over the cheating side of things, we had councelling but it still hurts. I find it hard to get over because he was having sex with other women and not me and he is still telling me he is not interested in sex and asks why I can't just accept it. He is still lying to me. Last month he had to go back to Singapore for a few days for work and while he was there he went back to his old self.I got a call at 2am, he was drunk and he wanted me to cancel his credit cards, he lost his wallet. He said he just went out to the 7/11 and must have dropped it on the street. He shouldn't have been out at that time in the morning, he shouldn't have been drinking so much that he would get himself into that state. I know hewas lying about where he went, he knows I don't like him drinking a lot. He can't just go out for a beer or two, he keeps drinking till he gets himself into trouble. I am sick of the same old stuff. How can he expect me to start having trust in him when he doesn't let the problems stop, it is one thing after another. Why would he keep lying and acting this way? Yes, I know it's because I allow it, I let him treat me this way. That's what Dr Phil would say but I just had to get this off my chest.
I also wanted to say or ask, how can he expect me to live the rest of our lives without any intimacy? Is it fair? i honestly don't know if I could live for another 30 or 40yrs like I am. By the way I am 46yrs old/young. It might sound stupid but I feel I need affection, I would like to have sex with my husband, I would like him to want me. It hurts so much when I think that he doesn't want me but he wanted the other women. My mind is turning somersaults trying to decide what to do. I have always loved him but I am at the stage now that I don't like him very much. It would be really hard for me starting over again. I don't work and I don't know what to do.
 
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pkshd5

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angry
July 25, 2005, 4:57 am PDT

husband cheated w/ best friend

ok never done this before but here i go.

I was married almost 14 years and have 4 kids. My husband cheated on me w/ my best friend and left me and our 4 kids to be with her. Now they are married and just had a baby 1 week ago. This just happened 9 months ago. Our divorce wasn't done until January 2005. Do the math? My kids are my #1 concern. My ex- husband has turned their world upside down and they have a hard time even going over to his house. It has done a number on me also. How could either one of them do that? How could someone you love and trust so darely destroy your life? I have a thousand question w/ no answers. Was I that bad of a wife and thats why he did it? After 9 months its still tares me apart. Never thought he would ever cheat on me. Was I just nieve to think that? Thanks for letting me vent!
 
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vickies2
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July 25, 2005, 6:26 am PDT

ELEPHANT-

Lets back track: I received a call from the other woman last month, and he confessed. This affair took place while he was working in another state, the state and area that we are to move to. Anyway, we went on vacation last month and had a great time. I decided to take her out of my mind (until she called him @ 2:30 am, crazy drunk B____) and really work on our relationship. The next morning he told me that he would take care of the problem when he returned to work and file a restraining order against her.Anyway, we really reconnected during our time alone. It was the best thing for us. Then a week after our vacation, he returned to his job in the other state. The enitre time I was very uneasy about it. Wondering and wondering. I remember him telling me that I just needed to get over it or it will doom our marriage. He really hurt my feelings. I decided to send him an e-mail expressing my feelings and asked him how he would feel if I was the one to have had an affair. Well I think that worked. He finally realized that we do need to take about it to get past it and not walk around the giant elephant thats in the middle of our marriage. Well he has been home for 2 days now, and we still haven't talked yet. I am still very uneasy about the whole thing, but I came to realize that I love him with all my heart and because of this I want to get past this and for my children. I'm not sure if I should be the one to start a conversation or should I give him more time to start it.

  It is time to say- IT IS TIME TO TALK.  If he gets angry, then you know he is still involved with her.

 

  You can stand up for yourself. You won't be doing anything for your children if you fall apart soon because you are supressing your needs.

 
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vickies2
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July 25, 2005, 6:31 am PDT

Asia cheating husband

I also wanted to say or ask, how can he expect me to live the rest of our lives without any intimacy? Is it fair? i honestly don't know if I could live for another 30 or 40yrs like I am. By the way I am 46yrs old/young. It might sound stupid butI feel I need affection, I would like to have sex with my husband, I would like him to want me. It hurts so much when I think that he doesn't want me but he wanted the other women.My mind is turning somersaults trying to decide what to do. I have always loved him but I am at the stage now that I don't like him very much. It would be really hard for me starting over again. I don't work and I don't know what to do.

 

 

   Go to talk to an attorney. You don't have to do this as a definate decision, just go to find out what your rights are under the laws where you live. Information is empowerment.

 

  You know your husband has a sex and drinking problem. He does not think of rejecting you sexually the same way you do. Part of him is thinking he does not deserve pure or marital sex because he has been with hookers etc...he is not going to think rationally until he has the addictions in a recovery state. You are allowing him to stay addicted by taking care of him.

 

  You are so right 46 is too young to remian sexless!! And any age is too young to live without comfort and physical contact.

 

  You need to suggest that HE get std test, asap. He could be shortenign his life span from having an illness he doesn't even know about.
 
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vickies2
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July 25, 2005, 6:39 am PDT

Bestfriend- not a friend!!!

ok never done this before but here i go.

I was married almost 14 years and have 4 kids. My husband cheated on me w/ my best friend and left me and our 4 kids to be with her. Now they are married and just had a baby 1 week ago. This just happened 9 months ago. Our divorce wasn't done until January 2005.Do the math? My kids are my #1 concern. My ex-husband has turned their world upside down and they have a hard time even going over to his house. It has done a number on me also. How could either one of them do that? How could someone you love and trust so darely destroy your life? I have a thousand question w/ no answers. Was I that bad of a wife and thats why he did it? After 9 months its still tares me apart. Never thought he would ever cheat on me. WasI just nieve to think that?Thanks for letting me vent!

 

 

 

  There are many many support forums out there. You really need more shoulders to cry on. You might want to try lifesaviors.com and also my email is listed under my profile if you need to talk.

 

 

  Nine months is not enough time to heal from such a devastating event. Your husband has ripped the family apart and left you illequiped to put anything back in place. Because he has chosen to leave you with no information you can assume that she got pregnant and he jumped the gun and did what he thought would happen anyhow. He probably thought CHEATING and GETTING caught meant the end of the marriage. Her pregnancy was getting CAUGHT.

 

  You can channel your anger in the form of writing, write them both letters(you don't have to send these, it is just for your own therapy) take your anger to the page and feel good in knowing that you don't need to GIVE her power by showing her your anger and pain.

 

  How do they do this things? They have complete selfcentered and immature thought process. They lack morals and decency.

They, as a couple, will not last long as neither one of them can trust the other and she will be raising that child alone in the near future.

 
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