Topic : Cheated On

THANKS FOR THE ANSWER WE ARE GOING TO THE DR. BUT SHE DOES NOT LIKE TO GO BUT SHE DOES IT FOR ME . SHE JUST WONTS TO PUT IT BEHIND USE BUT I GOT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.SHE IS A GOOD WIFE AND MOTHER BUT SOMETHING JUST WHENT WRONG.SHE WAS THAT WIFE THAT THIS WOULD NEVER HAPPEN IN MY MIND . SOME BODY COULD HAVE TOLD ME YOUR WIFE WOULD CHEAT ON ME I WOULD HAVE BET MY LIFE ON IT WOULD NEVER HAPPENED. I WOULD HAVE THAT BET I WOULD HAVE BEEN DEAD.I STILL THINK I AM IN A BAD DREAM.I FOUND OUT AUG 5 IT HAPPENED MARCH 10. THINGS I WONT TO DO TO HIM .GOD KEEPS ME FROM THAT. SHE WAS TALKING TO HIM ABOUT US FOR MONTHS AND THEN IT HAPPENED IT CHANGED MY LIFE. I HAVE NOT CRYED IN 20 YEARS AND I CRY EVER DAY KNOW. I GOT TO GET PAST IT  BUT IT IS HARD. SOME DAYS ARE BETTER THAN OTHER. I LIVE BY HOUSTON TEXAS.BUT I LOVE HER STILL.AND I  WAS A HARD ASS TILL THIS.I COACH BASEBALL FOR A 11 YEAR OLD TEAM. AND I DONT WONT TO DO THAT ANY MORE PART OF ME HAS CLOSED DOWN I NEED TO GET PASSED THIS FOR MY CHILDREN.WE ARE BACK IN CHURCH THAT HELPS WHEN YOU HAVE GOD .I NEED TO GET THAT TRUST BACK .PART OF ME TRUST AND PART OF ME DONT. I NEED HELP

The best prediction of future behavior is past behavior.

You should accept no responsibility for his actions, it was his choice to cheat on you.  And of course he can do it again and you can't stop him.  You only have control over your own actions.  He's got 2 strikes against him already and he's still doing it.

My advice - get out while you can before you start to lose yourself in this roller coaster ride.  He's not worth it.  His actions speak volumes and you can't change him.  This is an extremely unhealthy relationship for you and it's okay to be alone.  Please find the courage to end this relationship and find a man who will love and respect you.  He'll continue on this path because he can.

ME FROM TEXAS HOW CAN I PUT MY LIFE BACK TOGETHER.DONT WONT TO LOSSER BUT BUT MY HART IS DIEING EVER DAY.I THINK THERE IS MORE TO THE STORY THAN I AM GETTING.SHE JUST WONTS TO FOR GET ABOUT IT.SHE CAN FOR GET ABOUT IT SHE KNOWS WHAT HAPPENED I DONT SO I CAN NOT FOR GET ABOUT IT. IF I NEW ABOUT EVERTHING MAYBE I COULD BUT SOME THING JUST DO NOT ADD UP.I ASK HER TO WRITE ME A LETTER ON WHATS SHE WONT FOR USE FROM THE HART HAVE NOT SEN THAT LETTER YET. SHE SAID SHE WOULD JUST TELL ME WHAT SHE WONT. IT IS SOMETHING ABOUT WRITING IT DOWN SHE DOES NOT WONT TO DO.SHE WOULD CALL HIM OR PAGE HIM 100 TIMES A MOUNTH AND SHE SAID HE WAS TRYING TO MAKE UP FOR THE WRONG THEY DID . SHE NEVER DRANK OR PARTYED MUCH OR SMOKE DOPE.SHE HAS A GIRL FREIND THATS ALL SHE WONTS TO DO IS GET HIGH DRINK AND PARTY AND SLEEP WITH EVERBOY SHE GOES OUT WITH. SHE  IS BAD NEWS AND MY WIFE TALKS TO DAILY.AND I CANT STAND IT.MY WIFE THINKS THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH HER BUT EVER BODY AROUND USE CAN SEE THE CHANGE IN HER .KNOW BODY KNOWS ABOUT THE AFAIRE BUT ME HER AND HIM AND THE DR.IT LIKE A DRUNK THEY CANT SEE THERE THE DRUNK BUT EVERBODY AROUND THEM CAN.SHE NEEDS TO WAKE UP AND LOOK WHAT SHE HAS IT IS HER FAMILY THE ONE THAT LOVES HER THE MOST.SHE HAS NOT GONE OUT SEENS I FOUND OUT ABOUT THE AFAIRE.BUT ONE TIME TO EAT AND HAVE A DRINK WITH THAT GIRL FRIEND THAT NEEDS TO GO.I SEE WHAT HER FRIEND IS TRYING TO DO IS GET BETTEN USE LITTEL BY LITTEL..I LOVE MY WIFE IF SHE COULD JUST TELL THE WHOLE STORE WE COULD MOVE ON SHE DOES NOT WONT TO TALK ABOUT IT.HER FREINDS COME FIRST 2ND HER JOB 3RD HER FAMILY.OUR CHILDREN SEE IT TO .THEY SAY I HOPE MOM IS NOT MAD WHEN SHE GETS HOME.THEY SAY IT LIKE SHE IS TO DIFFRENT PEOPLE.WHEN  SHE IS WITH HER FRIENDS ARE TALKING TO THEM ON THE PHONE SHE IS HAPPY AND SMILING. THEN WHEN SHE IS WITH HER FAMILY IT IS ALWAYS SOMETHIG WRONG. A SOMETIMES THEY THINK SHE DOES NOT LOVE THEM BUT SHE DOES .HELP

Im so sorry about your troubles. I hope some of what I say will help you.

You cant change your husband or what he has done to you. the only person you can change is yourself and the way you handle this disrespect to you, your children and your marriage. You need to put yourself first. Dont use any more brain cells on your husband he isnt worth it. A man who had an affair for 8 years and still tries to bargain with his wife to stay in contact with the woman isnt worth your time. Your self esteem is low. That is the thing you need to work on. Put your husband on the back burner. start taking care of yourself. Join a fittness club or start working out. Buy new cloths have a new hair do. Go to the mall and get a free make up and buy what they recommend. If you are overwt then get on a diet. Start moving on. Go to the library or do things with your friends. If money is a problem most of these things can be done free. When you feel good about yourself your self esteem will increase.  Do these things for yourself not him.Your husband has completely sapped your life and keeps playing cat and mouse with you. Until he is completely trustworthy consistently

your trust will never come back What has he done for you to forgive him for this affair when he is still in an emotional affair with her. He doesnt owe her anything and he is a complete fool to say he owed her 8 years. She knew he was married and she knew she was in territory that wasnt hers. She was only an interloper. Eight years is a long time. If he says he still loves her and you then personally I would tell him to get out until he gets his piorities straight and can decide where his loyalities belong. He hasnt dealth with this pain he has caused and he needs to be held accountable for his actions. He got off scott free because you let him and now you are the one stressing out about a way you can learn to trust him. He is the one responsible for taking care of the mess he has caused for the past 8 years. He needs to find out ways to comfort you and help you through this terrible ordeal.

It wont help to worry about him and this woman he is going to do what he wants to. I have a hard time believing he gave her up completely after all his excuses. I dont know what kind of relationship he has with god but in my book having sex and making out in a car with a woman and cheating on your wife is the same sin.This woman needs to be dead to him. He is more loyal to her than you. Does he worry about your pain?

Remind yourself you are the person in this affair that is the godly one with high morals,and self respect. He is the one who has to look in the mirror and see a cheat, liar and low class husband.

Please dont take his crap. Get into counseling today. You and this marriage  will have a hard time surviving his infidility with out it. Dont ever take responsibility for his choices and decisions.For him to do this for 8 years was premediated.

I will say  a prayer for you. Hit the floor running in the right direction for yourself. WORK ON YOURSELF. Make him wonder what you are up to.

Rose Mary

You really need to give this time with a therapist.  Keep your appt. for Wed. and go alone is she can't find a sitter.  You need to go anyway.

If you are going to continue pushing her you will continue to get the same answer - She is confused and doesn't know.  Is that fair to you, absolutely not but that is how she feels, she is unsure of what she wants to do right now.  I'm sure she is confused because this other guy is in the picture so she can't put 100% into your marriage - again unfair to you.

Counseling is where you need to be - you both don't trust eachother for different reasons.  She doesn't trust your anger and your past disrespect for her and you do not trust her faithfulness.  You obviously can't trust her as she is still communicating with this guy.  She can't trust you because you are still blowing up at her.  And where does that leave you guys - nowhere.

You can ask her to stop seeing this guy, go to marriage counseling and help you get through this by her being an open book, no secrets etc...  but she is clearly not ready to do these things - she has told you how she feels.  So the ball is left in your court.  You can leave her and see if she comes back, you can stay in a marriage that is miserable and broken or you can go to therapy to help you decide what is best for you.  You can't change her or her feelings but you certainly do not have to put up with a cheating wife who can't commit to your marriage.  But you're not ready to walk away just yet so keep you appt. an see if the therapist can guide you to the right decision.

we got married in 2001. we loved each other so much. we are from a non christian country and we converted to christianity a few month before we got married. neither my family nor his were present at the wedding and we are still not welcome at our family homes. i married him dispite him being unemployed and unable to provide the needs of a family. i helped him get his job, his car, his house, i gave him a baby boy 29 months ago, i worked when he was unemployed (almost a year). any way, i haven't stopped making sacrifices for him yet. i found out 3 months ago that he's having an affair, the same time an american friend of mine found out about her husband as well. i talked to my husband and he denied it. she said i'm lucky because that means he loved me. and i was too stupid that i belived it. when he denied it, i knew he was lying but acted like i believed him. he was more careful afterwards, there was no more proofs or evidences or whatever you may call them, for about a month. i kept looking in his pocket and his bag... he has her credit card, her passport, her salary "paper" or "sheet", he smells like her perfume. i still can't tell him because i know he's the best at making you shut up and believe his explanations. today i discovered a new number of his office and he wasn't there. what can i do? divorce is not an option because i'm a believer and i want to forgive him but i need him to stop and ask for forgiveness.

please tell me what to do.

thanks