Topic : Cheated On

My wife had an affair a couple of years ago with a man she still works with today. Occasionally her co-workers go out for beer and wings to the bar around the corner from work. She claims that the affair has been over for some time so there is no need to worry when she decides she's going to join them and her ex lover in a social atmosphere. I strongly object to this only to be accused of being a controlling bully. Her exact words were"I'm going and I'm not buckling." To be honest, I have enough trouble accepting that they still work together, let alone socialize within the same circle of people. Tell me honestly, am I expecting too much when I ask that she doesn't join the group when her supposed ex lover is there?

No, you are absolutely not asking too much!  If your wife wants a healthy and happy future with you then she will respect your wishes and forsake all social gatherings with this guy.  Many spouses would have asked their cheating partner to change jobs immed so it seems that you have been more than fair with her.  She really needs to put herself in your shoes - would she want you to socialize with a woman that you had an affair with?   If she respected you, your marriage and your feelings then she would be avoiding this guy like the plaque so you can have peace of mind knowing that she values you and your feelings.  She had the affair and she needs to do whatever makes you feel safe and secure in this marriage.  Sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do - it's not all about her....

Long story short my hubby of 28 years is involved with a black woman prostitute/masseuse. It is going on now for 5-6 months, 3-4 times a week, 7-12 hours at a clip.  He has become very involved with her and calls her a friend...he speaks with her 24 times a day .........the month of April alone, 302 phone calls, more than 12 hours of talk time........ More than a friend.........I think.  I will write more but am just way too pissed off that I can't even think straight now.............This is way so messsed up even Dr. Phil would shake his head...........

Just out of curiosity, how did you find out about your husband’s masseuse? What did he say when you confronted him with your knowledge? No matter how many promises or excuses he makes to you, PLEASE know that none of this is your fault! This is your husband’s issue, and it sounds as though it is a very deep-seated issue. The one and only way for your life/marriage to go on would be with the assistance of a professional therapist. I urge you to seek that out for yourself (individually) as well as for your husband and you together. Of course, for him alone as well. I wish you the best!

No, you are not asking for too much. In fact, your request is absolutely reasonable. I can’t imagine how it makes you feel when your wife is out socializing with a man she has had an affair with. For her to turn the situation around and try to make it all about you being a controlling bully means that she is choosing, consciously or unconsciously, the relationship with her ex-lover over her marriage.
When she had the affair, did you seek marriage counseling? To repair a marriage and rebuild trust, the guidance of a trained professional is essential. That trust doesn’t just come back; there are certain, specific things that a spouse has to do to begin regaining trust. Going out, hanging out with an ex-lover is definitely a deal breaker.
I know that this must be very difficult for you. I suggest that you approach your wife to talk about this and how it makes you feel at a time when she isn’t about to go out. The element of surprise might work in your favor. You’ll be catching her “off-guard” so that she doesn’t already have hurtful comebacks on the tip of her tongue. Approach her and say something like, “I love you very much. I want for us to have a strong, healthy, happy and long marriage. Knowing that you are out drinking with a man that you’ve had an affair with is very hurtful; I ask that you put yourself in my shoes and think about how it would make you feel. I want to heal our marriage and move forward, not just stay stuck in one spot, with thoughts of betrayal on my mind. Will you work with me?” Of course, you would use your own words to get this same point across. You want her to work with you, not against you, like she is at this point. I wish you the very best!

Thank you Jamie and anyone else reading.....Quite a while back..........last fall/winter......... my hubby asked if I had a problem with him going for a massage......( me thinking, Spa, Male Masseur, during the day, maybe  after work, hey what the hell ............after all these years he is finally trying to contribute to the financial siuation and seems to be working hard)  I missed a lot of clues in the beginning becase I have been sick now for 4 months with recently diagnosed Lyme Disease, anyway I gave him the go........... Thats me ........always accomodating, always the patsy....BIG MISTAKE!!!  Did I know he was going for the unlicensed, naked,EROTIC Massage kind, Cash only, cheap Hotel/motel rooms with secret phone numbers,too much drinking..........  and whatever else goes on.........I didn't even know about this erotic massage crap 'til recently.................

 

I was away for my birthday in march on a ski vaca with my college (break) daughter, the few times I called home........ no answer, no answer on his cell either...........he called us once in 10 days just to find out when he should pick us up at the shuttle( That is ANOTHER STORY)

 

And so it goes, I was sick  just after that, an entire week in bed with 105 fever, and so out of my mind that I didn't realize I was dehydrating and very ILL........where was he?????????  who knows....... but not home.......I started realizing  then he was out every Tuesday and Thursday  nite til 1-2 am and all day Sat from 7 am to 6 pm............he would say out with the boys, but we are talking about a  previously lazy POS that likes to go to bed at 8 pm...........Saturdays, he was "shopping " although nobody  else is allowed to spend any money here.............

 

My very smart 25 year old son said every now and then when he would come home for a visit, "Gee where is Dad when he knows I came home this weekend to see him.............."  what can/could I tell him?

 

I walk my dogs every am early( 6-7 am) in different fabulous preserves......... therefore the Lyme disease, on Sat and Sun mornings when I go a bit later, he would already be asking......... why aren't you going already?  when are you leaving?  ( DUH!!! you MF'r it is still dark outside..............)

 

 so, I said to my girlfriend nonchalantly ..........."gee my hubby is awfully anxious for me to get out of the house at 6 or 7 am .....and be here lately.........." whats up with that??

 

he started spending all his time in his Mercedes in the driveway...........he would sit in there forever...........he would drive up our very long driveway, stop the car and stay for a while, now of course, I know always talking to her..........

 

So I checked out the cell phone (Never checked in all these years paying online) I was apalled!!!!  Hundreds of calls to this bitch, hours of talk time, first thing every am at 7 :25 am for 47 minutes.then all day every day, on and on.........spending every Tuesday and Thursdays  with her from 5pm til 1, 2 3 am...........he paid for the hotel and paid her cash, I have CC statements with restaurants, hotels and gas receipts............Saturdays??? who knows what he does with her.........There was one day 37 calls 4 hours on the phone......then he got rid of that phone FAST!!  and got the secret HO phnoe which he has had now for 2 months, the stupid coveted phone hiding all the time, takes into the shower with him and locks all the doors........major sick behavior, the few times I have been with him in his car hand on phone in pocket... God forbid it should go off.....Another thing............ he never wanted me in his car ( the phone thing ) I should meet him at so and so............ at $4:39 gallon.......BIG SIGNAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

So yes he has admitted alot.........and told me alot ............and doesn't realize it because he is so stupid and entrenched at this point...........but the few times we have been out together ..........he ONLY talks about HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!How sick is that??  Darlene this......... Darlene that, she has it so rough, she has all these men who waht to f.... her...DUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  This woman has so played into him and she "needs now to be protected" 

 

Her background, ???

 

Twice divorced, (bad stuff............ she says to make my EX hubby empathetic) 3 kids, skills???????/

 

His defense......... she is a masseuse and a friend....she has many clients........( but why does she spend all her time with my husband?)

 

He tells me I was a fabulous mother and a wonderful homemaker..........after 28 years that is all he can say?  except also that our life together is passionless, loveless etc ( it takes two)... and it could have been anybody else but not ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!He is with her now as I write this and I am again sick to my stomach, there is so, so much more and I think I may have to write a book.

 

I have spoken to my lawyer and I want a FAST divorce, there is no $$ ,so that is not an issue,  we do have to sell the house. I want out and I want to start fresh somewhere different, far far away...........

 

I can't believe how  stupid I am to have wasted all my life with this man( who wasa loser to begin with) and  now to have been betrayed by him

 

 

That's quite a story!  I don't blame you for wanting a divorce as he seems to be so out there at this point and has broken all trust with you that I too would be heading for a lawyer and fast.  Please don't blame yourself for his mistakes and lack of judgement.  He'll realize them soon enough when she finds another guy to leach onto after she takes all his money and he'll be kicked to the curb and will probably come crying back to you.  But by then, you'll be stronger and on your road to recovery looking fowards to a new life without him.  Stay close to your family and friends and ask them for support should you need it.  And be good to yourself.  I've got Lymes as well and it's important to stay healthy in body and mind to fight this disease.  I wish you well.

Hi. Havn't posted for a while. I am always reading the posts. They always seem to help. Just knowing I'm not the only one going through this. It's been 5 months. My husband and i are doing really well. I couldn't say that a few weeks ago.That is why i'm posting today.I had, what Oprah likes to call, a "light bulb moment".  And i wanted to share it. Since this happened, i feel fortunate that, my husband has done all the right things and taken all the right steps to help me find forgiveness and  help us both to move forward. He is understanding of my feelings of anger and hurt. He has done everything to help me. The reason i tell you this is because i found myself treating him so badly. Some  i would blow up at him for the smallest things and i knew i was doing it but it took me a while to figure out why. Otherdays would be great. It seems like it got worse with each passing day. I love this man and chose to stay with him. Why was i treating him like this? One day i was really angry and out of control.He asked me why i was acting this way. i thought about it for a while  and got really honest with myself. Deep down i knew why i did it. I wanted him to suffer and hurt like i did. He hurt me and betrayed me in the worst possible way. And i was going to get him back.If i didn't make him hurt and suffer then he would have no consequences. Where is the justice in that? Once i realized what i was doing, and why, it turned around pretty quickly. I realized that i can't make this a life sentence for him. That would make us both unhappy. I have to trust that he is truly sorry and will not stray again. And we are both making efforts to better ourselves and our relationship. Forgiving him is very difficult. Because a part of me feels like by doing so i am saying its ok what he did. I'm learning that this is not so. By forgiving him i am slowly letting this anger go and working towards a better marriage for both of us. What he did will never be ok. But theres no happiness in dwelling on the hurtful past. We can only look forward.

i just need some structure and help if i don't get help soon i don't know what I'm going to do?  i am so close to being homeless in fact if i left the man i am with i would be homeless so right now that is not an option for me.  i don't have anyone who cares whether i live or die but maybe my kids and they are pretty much done with me too.  I'm hooked on pain pills due to migraines and not wanting to deal with the hell i made out of my life i need to be in a treatment program with structure so i can be a productive human being.  i have no money at all i just had a 6 pound tumor removed and the pills got to be a huge problem and now i am on methadone so i can afford the meds. but i want off of it and all drugs but i need help i don't want to keep living if this is the way I'm stuck living please help me before i end u homeless or dead please please please i have watched Dr Phil for years and i need his sternness to get to the bottom of my depression i have been depressed all of my life i cant even remember being happy for any length of time only for a moment here and there please please please does anyone care my family sure doesn't and its not like i have stolen from them and they are tired of that my drug problem has not lead me into criminal activity only self destruction can anyone please care enough to give me a chance to be a mom before they hate me too please I'm begging anyone for help please

As I wrote that last post my husband was once again with the ho.  He left me a message at work and promised he would be home early that friday evening, by 9 or 10 at the latest...........  yeah right he walked in at 1 am again, pissy... like he is sneaking into bed...... and nothing is wrong here.........I went nuts..... lashed out and told him go back to the ho which he promptly did, til the next day, I proceeded to call her Ho Phone and leave her nasty messages.  Remind you ,I do not know his secret Ho phone number which he only uses for the ho, and she only has access to His HO phone , His other  cell phone (that friends, family and his kids know and use)sits in his car ,day in day out ,never even turned on.........he has never even listened for messages on that phone , only the HO phone......

Saturday, all day Sunday screaming at me....... "leave that woman alone she has done nothing wrong."..........( (she keeps him in her bed, free of charge ....most of the time because she "likes" him) and calls him all day ,every day).......".I am the bad one".........but yet at the same time "go F.... yourself it is over with us".........mixed message here?

 

Yes, again, I am pissed off , and yes I am getting comfortable with the fact that my marriage is over, I can't even be in the same room, I want nothing to do with him.  Just came back this evening from the "Sex and the City" movie and it is Steve x 200............makes me want to puke..............

He had dinner with my son in new york and even though it takes a good couple hours to go back and forth he still made it home by 9:30 tonight.....amazing how he can go back and forth to NY in a few hours but can't make it home from HO (20 minutes away) for 8-9 hours each evening........

 

I am numb, I am just trying to get through each day lately. I know the answer is there for me soon and I KNOW I must get on with MY life......... I am thankful for a couple of good books and the love of my friends and family although I will never divulge any of this way too embarrassing........................that is why I turn to you now....................Thanking all of you for your insight!