Topic : Cheated On

Trust me I'm no hero but I did learn a very good lesson during those 7 weeks, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger and smarter!

I'm 43 and this happened when we were 40.  He was going through a mid life crisis. Everybody else saw it but me as he was very impulsive to begin with.  The fancy cars, hair restoration, new clothes, wanting to sell his company etc..  Basicall as he put it - a simple life with no responsibilities, no stress, no one to have to answer to and the ability to do what he wanted when he wanted.  We can and do laugh about it now because that separation actually saved our marriage. However, he will tell me flat out that had he not gotten into that accident we would be divorced by now. He is not one to second guess himself and once he has his mind set on something he flies with it.  There was absolutely nothing I could have done to change his mind and I mean nothing.   That accident was his wake up call and we both knew it happened for a reason

The unknown is scary but at the same time the possibilities are unlimited but you can't see that far into the future yet.  . And the meds are not a cure all unfortunately but they will help you short term.  I understand not wanting to give up hope but if you continue to hang on you will never move forwards  I went for the proactive approach, I cut off all communication determined to make it on my own and if he did decide to come back then it would be my choice.  But I was hell bent on doing all I could for me (therapy, self help books, online reading) - anything to boost my self esteem and self worth.  There were many days when I looked at that bed and just wanted to crawl under those covers and at times I did but I made myself get up and do something productive.  My friends and family were a godsend  but I knew not to abuse their kindness and patience as I knew they would get sick and tired of my whining eventually which is why I read all the self help books I could find and started looking into support groups for divorced or separated people.  You may want to consider that as well.

My situation may be a little different than yours as he did not have another woman.  He took the kids 2 nights a week and every weekend so at least I didn't have to worry about another woman.  Thankfully he knew better than to start another relationship before ending ours as his first wife cheated on him and he didn't go that route.  What are your thoughts about the possibility of another woman involved with him?

There are so many women on these board who have gone through this and have survived.  You will be one of those women, a survivor.  I know you can't see that now but one day you will.  Be patient with yourself, be kind to yourself, and do something productive tomorrow - just accomplish one thing.  And stop sending him emails and giving him money!!

Well here I am back to reading these forums. Is it possible I just don't get it?

I was the cheater. It was 4 years ago and over a year since my confession to him. I have jumped through hoops trying to show him I want our marriage to work. Over and over I get the pleasure of hearing how I was the one who killed it and I was the one who had to put it back together. I got that and Lord knows I have tried. Every now and then though I break down and ask him if he still loves me. I get the same reply that no he does not. I killed it. He tells me I am not being patient. I got that. Still I get tired and lonely. This time though I will not do the wrong thing. I don't even like sex. I sleep with my husband sometimes in the hopes he will slip and tell me he loves me. He doesn't and I end up feeling like a slut. Of course I did give him that impression when I committed adultry. I got that.

I love him and yesterday I asked him again to at least let me know there was hope, some love, anything! It's like I need him to throw me a bone or something. He again said no he does not love me but when he heals he may feel differently.

Was that a bone?

I read through your previous posts and I'm wondering what exactly is your husband doing alone or with you to help him recover from this affair?  I realize he no longer trusts therapists but it seems that this problem is too big for him to handle alone as he is not making any sort of headway trying to heal on his own.  Not all of us are equipped to handle marital issues which is why there are so many counselors out there! 

I understand he is afraid of taking a risk with you, afraid of being vulnerable and loving you again because he may get his heart broken again but what he's doing isn't working either for you and for him.  It seems that he has decided that your infidelity is going to be a life sentence.  He will withhold from you what you want the most and will make you live in hell to pay for your sins until...........  Until he decides to divorce you or until you can't take it any longer and decide to leave the marriage.  I completely understand his pain and issues with allowing you back into his life emotionally as he is afraid of getting hurt again but there has to be a point in time where he must be willing to either work on this marriage or let you go.  If he doesn't love you then let him go and move on.  If he isn't willing to do some real hard work on this marriage then you need to decide how much longer you are willing to wait to stay in a stagnant unloving marriage.  You can't fix this on your own, he needs to participate as well and if he is unwilling or unable to do so after all this time then maybe a separation would be in the best interest for the both of you.  What are your thoughts on this?  

I think it was his way of keeping the status quo, not taking any action to change things. I think you may have broken a rule with him that he just can't bring himself to forgive.

Dr Phil says that we do what works for us. This action of your husband's, keeping you in suspense and wondering if things will ever be better, is working for him on some level. Maybe he doesn't like what his life is like now but it's preferable to being vulnerable and getting his heart stepped on again.

Ask yourself this: if he doesn' t love you, what are you doing all this for? After you have confronted this question honestly within yourself, go ask it of him.

Without his love, there can be no marriage, no matter how hard you try. If he has no love he will not be willing to do the work required to move on from this. Isn't it better that you two face up to this now rather than spend another year like the last one?

I believe that there is another stage beyond acceptance, or maybe it's just a final incarnation of acceptance. It is the stage where you can look back and say, "You know, I'm grateful this happened to me, as I would never have learned what I needed to learn about myself if it hadn't." If you are not there yet, you are right around the corner.

The best of luck to you,

Onwards and upwards.

Where do I start? I met my husband when I was 14 and he was 16, I was pregnant 3 months later and we had a son. We went through so many struggles and finally after we entered our 20's things were really looking up we bought a house and were both working and our family was perfect....so I thought. After being in construction for about 11 years my husband finally landed the perfect job with a really good company. He had to travel alot and stay the night away ever few weeks. I had some signs but always new deep down in my heart that he would never do me wrong, he loved his  family too much. So about three months ago, he had purchased a new phone and gave me his old one. So here I was checking it out looking through it when I came upon some text messages from some girl saying " you say you can't see me any more and it kills me", so I ran outside where he was and was shaking and said "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS", he grabbed the phone and said it was a wrong # someone sent it to me and I never replied! Well I found a letter on his phone from this girl to him, and after crying and screeming he said she was a crazy girl and she liked him and he swore up and down, stupid me gave him the benifit and believed him. So after stress and weight loss and trying to move on, one day I was going through the history on thecomputer and found a secret email he had and it was so discusting, he was involved in porn sites talking to girls all over the world sexually and what do you know I found emails to his girlfriend. After even more stress and weight loss and crying and screeming he cried and said he was so sorry and he didn't know what he had until it was gone. He swears to be a changed man and calles me all the time, sends videos through his phone from places he is at. Yes I still check the phone records and the text logs. But I don't want to live like this I am so misserable. I've been with this man for 16 years and im only 31. I spoke to his girlfriend on the phone when this all happened and she had no idea he even had a family. When he was in her area he would take her to dinner and then to his room. He told me he was on an over night fishing trip when he was really out with her to a club and then to the hotel. He denied his kids! Cheated on me when I was pregnant! What kind of monster does that? He says he's changed but do I believe it, Ya I do. But I can't get over what was done behind my back. I am so hurt. I don't know what to do.

I posted in the wrong forum and do hope I didn't bring up bad feelings.:(

I don't why I stay except that maybe I don't believe him when he says he doesn't love me. We have two boys who love us both. Our home believe it or not is pretty peaceful. We dont fight because that would take communication. lol  I don't mean to laugh but it does keep me from crying. My husband is a good man who I have put high on a pedastool for 18 years. I am the addict in recovery and I know what my behaviors have done to us both. I understand when he tells me he wants a divorce and then we may be able to work on out marriage. It sounds crazy but in his mind it is the only closure for him and it also makes me pay a price for what I did. He feels if he lets me back into his life then I somehow got away with it. I wish I could tell him how I think of suicide everyday. I think of leaving him a note and telling him this was how much I loved him. Yeah I know that sounds crazy too. I am close to the end but what end it will be I don't know.

This has taken a toll on him probably more than me. I was a selfish person. I wish I knew why I am staying here. I am so scared the kids will hate me. My husband feels they will have the right to know why we divorced.

I keep thinking he will come around. I was told to never quit 5 minutes before a miracle happens.

To sum all this up...I understand why he feels the way he does. I truly do.:(

I have also gone 6 months without drinking and without AA because I cheated with someone in treatment.  He was uncomfortable with me going to meetings so I didn't. Tomorrow though I am going to a meeting because I won't last much longer without a drink.

Thanks again for answering to my misplaced post.

He said I committed "The Mistake" and he will probably never get past it.

We sleep in separate rooms unless I go to him and then we have sex. He says it is because of his sleep patterns lately but I think it's not.

I have taken off my rings and told him I am tired of fighting so hard for someone who doesn't love me. He said that could change one day. I told him I am letting go. He wants us to file online/ no attorneys. I am so tired I am about ready to had over all our debt and walk away.:)

Im sorry for your pain. I don't really have a right to answer because I was a cheater. This is the most devestating thing in the world to happen in a marriage and I truly wish with all my heart that your husband is remorseful. If he is then please consider getting outside help. Someone on the outside has a better way of getting to the truth therefor helping you deal with everything.

If you are willing to give him another chance and you still love him then at least try. I have read thousands of articles where couple have survived this. If love is still there then so is hope.

What I did as a cheater was selfish and stupid. Again I am sorry for your pain.