Topic : Cheated On

I posted in the wrong forum and do hope I didn't bring up bad feelings.:(

I don't why I stay except that maybe I don't believe him when he says he doesn't love me. We have two boys who love us both. Our home believe it or not is pretty peaceful. We dont fight because that would take communication. lol  I don't mean to laugh but it does keep me from crying. My husband is a good man who I have put high on a pedastool for 18 years. I am the addict in recovery and I know what my behaviors have done to us both. I understand when he tells me he wants a divorce and then we may be able to work on out marriage. It sounds crazy but in his mind it is the only closure for him and it also makes me pay a price for what I did. He feels if he lets me back into his life then I somehow got away with it. I wish I could tell him how I think of suicide everyday. I think of leaving him a note and telling him this was how much I loved him. Yeah I know that sounds crazy too. I am close to the end but what end it will be I don't know.

This has taken a toll on him probably more than me. I was a selfish person. I wish I knew why I am staying here. I am so scared the kids will hate me. My husband feels they will have the right to know why we divorced.

I keep thinking he will come around. I was told to never quit 5 minutes before a miracle happens.

To sum all this up...I understand why he feels the way he does. I truly do.:(

I have also gone 6 months without drinking and without AA because I cheated with someone in treatment.  He was uncomfortable with me going to meetings so I didn't. Tomorrow though I am going to a meeting because I won't last much longer without a drink.

Thanks again for answering to my misplaced post.

Im sorry for your pain. I don't really have a right to answer because I was a cheater. This is the most devestating thing in the world to happen in a marriage and I truly wish with all my heart that your husband is remorseful. If he is then please consider getting outside help. Someone on the outside has a better way of getting to the truth therefor helping you deal with everything.

If you are willing to give him another chance and you still love him then at least try. I have read thousands of articles where couple have survived this. If love is still there then so is hope.

What I did as a cheater was selfish and stupid. Again I am sorry for your pain.

Let me first start off by saying that your sobriety and your meetings have to be your first priority.  That program is your lifeline as well as the support you receive there.  You are only 1 drink away and 1 roll away from ending back to square one all over again and losing everything you have accomplished in your recovery.  Don't ever let anybody take that away from you or keep you from a program that is so detramental to your existance.  (Congratulations by the way!)  If your husband has any objections to you going, he can always join you - but either way you go with or without him.

I'm sure you have been staying in this marriage for many reasons but you can't make him love you nor can you fix this on your own.   I'm sure he is still angry and hurt and wants to continue to punish you for the rest of your life for your past mistakes but there has to be a point in time where he has to either decide to end this marriage or actually try to forgive you.  Yes, you committed a "crime" but are you willing to sacrafice your happiness for the rest of your life paying for this mistake? 

Either way you are a survivor.  Look at what you have been through and look at what you have accomplished.  This may be the end of your marriage but it is certainly not the end of your dreams.  Your future has unlimited possibilities, you've come too far to give up.   

This is obviously something that you have a lot of passion about... I can respect that, although to be honest, I disagree with your analogies. I *do* agree that before a spouse gets to that point, they should leave. There is no excuse for adultery.

The problem (as I see it), is that unlike rape, child molestation, or pedophelia... Cheating is not as cut and dry. No one here has *defined* what cheating is.

Is it simply extra marital sex with someone else?

Is it all the lying and deception up to and including that act?

Is it (as Dr phil says, and I agree with) any time or manner in which you would act in another way than if your spouse wasn't present?

I happen to feel that it is all three, and I bet you agree. But here is where I don't beleive it is as cut and dry. There are many other ways to *cheat* on your spouse. I have seen marriages crumble and become emotionally distant, where intimacy completely dissapears. I beleive that people like this are already cheating on each other, well before one of them is stupid enough to seek a reslease elsewhere...I have also seen people take each other for granted, and *cheat* on each other with food, and sloth. Again, the one who eventually engages in extra marital intercourse is usually considered the offending party, whereas unlike the other exaples of there being a clear cut victim...in many cases of "cheating" it was the end result of a mutual discourse.

I am a little crazy this way, but I like to undestand all the facts before I take someone out behind a building and shoot them. Oh, don't get me wrong...I like you train of thought on this. But then again, I am not that nice of a guy...

Just read it. I see my first post has horrible typos. Something is wrong with my laptop. It destroys the characters! Well anyway, as I mentioned I am referring to the sexual part of it.  You are free to disagree with me, but as a Christian, I believe also in the spiritual part of marriage. The Bible teaches that one of the reasons to not have multiple sex partners is because you pick up demonic spirits this way. And you can also transfer those spirits. Long before I knew my husband was cheating, I started feeling funny in my mind and my sleep. I used to have wild porno dreams and flashes. Id dream that I was floating above my bed or next to it and watching pornos. I would feel a sense of withdrawal when Id wake up. Like I was longing for it. I would feel moody and NOT at all like myself. I was so scared. It was like I could feel evil spirits. They were crawling on my body and trying to enter my mind. It got worse. I havent said a cuss word since HIGH school. I suddenly started to think about cuss words all the time. This would be my response to the news or whatever. Then one day, Listening to the news radio, my response to the story was F*&&% That S&**&T! Oh my God! I pulled over and I began to pray. During the Counseling my husband mentioned that he noticed something about me that scared him. He said that I would seem possessed or something, like I was just gonna snap one day and wed all be on the news. (I am calm and fun and like to calmly discuss things like adults personality). I knew what he was talk about! I just did not feel right. Not at all like myself. He was thinking I KNEW. But at that time I did not know. I suspected that something he picked up out in the streets, clubs, workplace or where ever, - he brought it home. Sometimes spouses dont realize that when they go outside and they begin to see changes that they hate in their spouse and their spouse can explain it, they may have very well deposited something into that person that only some prayer and deliverance, perhaps some counseling and spiritual connection to EACH OTHER can heal.

Anyway. Bottom line for me is, I told my husband that through it all (I was molested when I was 3) almost raped in college (HIS HAND SLIPPED OFF MY MOUTH AND THE SCREAMS MADE HIM GET UP SO I DID NOT GET HURT too badly) and cheated on by him (a cheating boyfriend for me is different that a cheating spouse FOR ME). This cheating is the worse of the three. As a Christian I believe that suicides to not get to go to heaven. If it were not for this, I would just kill myself. I dont want to live anymore and I am losing my mind at this point. It has only gotten worse. Partly because I know that death will not make it stop, if I commit the act against myself. So I must deal with the horror each day. I went to the hospital. A girl who was molested and never recovered was there as was a young lady who had been raped. We all ended up ion the same place. The only difference for me is there is justice to be handed down for the crime against them. Where is the justice for me? What do you do to a person who willfully engages in a sexual act and walks away not caring if you border on the brink of insanity? Where is the law for me?

Thanks for listening. Believe it or not I am trying to sue him and the girlfriend for intentional infliction of distress. I might not win, but if I do I hope to have it used as a precedent possibly. Its not fair that they get off free and clear.

I have posted the last several email exchanges between my husband and I in my diary. I am an emotional wreck.

What does this man want from me?????

Can someone who has been cheated on please tell me. There must be some magic word or something????

I read your email exchanges and you're right, it's an awful way to communicate as you two are trying to dissect eachothers words and thoughts and are trying to figure out what the other is thinking   A whole lot more could be accomplished by sitting side by side and listening to eachother!

I guess what he's trying to say is that you broke your wedding vows and the promises that you made to eachother.  Regardless of how you felt at the time your vows should have been enough to stop you from cheating regardless of how you felt about eachother. 

What I'm confused about is if you hadn't cheated on him before - where was the love and communication prior to this infidelity?   Did he not trust you or did he pull away from you years ago? And why? You never thought he loved you - but why?

It seems that emotionally you two kinda checked out of this marriage years ago and have been holding on for dear life by a string.

I don't know what he wants from you.  I don't know that there is anymore you can do at this point or say anything that you haven't said already to make him feel any differently.  He is picking your words apart and is turning them upside down.  I understood what you wrote but he interpreted it entirely differently - he's got you running in circles at this point and you guys are getting no where playing word games with eachother.

There are no magic words, you've said all you had to say.  You could say them another thousand times but he's not ready to listen or ready to forgive.