Topic : Cheated On

To start out I'm trying to be understanding or maybe to understanding. My husband and I have been together for close to 10 yrs. I have made so many mistakes and have had a hard life which has affected alot of family and they stuck by my side through out it all. So I know what its like to be given a second chance. My husband and I have been going through a foreclosure and he quit his part time job which was getting us through the foreclosure before the arm kicked in. He was really going through the disappointment of failing us as a family. Now to turn to another woman is another story. He is the boss of a company and started to take home the clerk home and one thing led to another for 2 months. He has been completely honest with me. I know to much about the woman it makes me want to show up at her door step or call and harasses her at work but I have more class then that and I have to much to at steak here. I really feel if I cant get out the thought that there was something more going feelings rater then sex on then I should walk and still have things at peace. He did give me chance after chance. Its just a pattern over and over. I grew up  and took my Chance and ran with it without ever looking back. Now he is making the mistakes. It doesn't make things right only harder. Do I want to continue my life in a cycle of repeating mistakes because life gets hard or be with someone who feels the need to take the easy way out. Should I chance it? How do I start to trust again? How do people forgive so easy. Am I just Nieve? Any suggestions how to get past this. Thank you for taking the time to read my topic.

"Getting those thoughts about the other woman out of your head is very difficult. They seem to come out of nowhere and sabotage you when you least expect it."

Boy are you so right on that one....I too never thought I would be writing Dr. Phil nor posting on sites...but since I don't have any other way or anyone else. I decided that if that could help just a bit I would try it. I did in fact write Dr. Phil about being on the show even, that is how desperate I am. Not long ago he threatened me because I pushed his buttons as they always say....I also fit in the "abuse" section on this, he told me point blank all he wanted to do was "turn off the damn TV & grab me by my throat & kill me, then get rid of me & no one will care or know. He would just tell everyone I up & left & he didn't know where I was".  All I said was is "I KNOW" in reference to I know what he is doing & done behind my back even to this day. He is STILL in contact with her somehow, right now I don't know how but all the little lies & hints are there all the time. I've gotten his passwords to most of his email addresses & the cell phone bill but he is such a good liar (an ex cop)that he covers up those I ask about, which is "unavailable".  The thoughts of her absolutely HAUNT me each day & night!!!!!!!!!!! I truely do not understand the "Why" I hate to admit it but I've done more for my husband to keep the "spice" etc. throughout our marriage even with my past as hard as it is not to let it all effect me. But I absolutely refuse to be his "C***" as he wants! The so called "Other woman" is a swinger & into BDSM, etc. How can I fight this? I can't!!!! I refuse to lower myself to that level for anyone! Yes, I too hate myself & blame myself & feel that it is all my fault like so many others, He as with others wants his cake & eat it too no matter what I do on my part! Yes, I refuse to leave for certain reasons number one is the fact that this has been MY home way before he & I got together & we have been together now for approximently 19½ years soon to be married 18 years this August. Which only reminds me that they had emailed each other ON our wedding anniversary once so thus I do not even look forward to that even. As you put so well "they seem to come out of nowhere". I also feel that I am in competition with her over him & he is just sitting back & enjoying it all to no end. I feel like I've been play for a fool for so long & that I still am while they both are just laughing behind my back. There are no laws & he knows this, so what is a person to do? Can't stop a so called "friendship" with another person no matter what. What good does it do to be "legally married"? I've been told by both it's MY problem , deal with it, get over it! Well I can't by myself which is were I am at right now. 

I am sorry for the emotional devestation that you have endured by a man who claims to love you.  If he truly loved you he would not have cheated on you numerous times and he would still not be having an affair with another woman. 

You don't sound pathetic, you put your heart and soul into your marriage and you are struggling with the loss of your hopes and dreams with a man who has turned your world upside down repeatedly. 

You are living this nightmare and will continue to do so until YOU make a firm decision as to what to do with this marriage.  You have 2 choices - you divorce him, heal and move on with your life or you continue to live the hell that you have been living since he refuses to dump the other woman.  You can't make him stop seeing her and you can't make him stop loving her but you can remove yourself from this situation and begin to heal with the help of family, friends and a therapist.  He claims he does not want a divorce, he doesn't want to move and he doesn't want people to know of his little secrets.    Guess what, it's time that you stop caring about  what he wants and start taking care of you!  You're allowing him to have his cake and eat it too.  There has to be a point in time where you say enough is enough and tell him to leave.  You are obviously not there yet so what do you need to do to get to that point?  I highly recommend that you go to counseling immed.  so you can start building back your self esteem and self worth as I'm sure he has taken that away from you as well.  You need to get emotionally stronger.  You need to show your daughters that no woman should be treated this way, you need to be their role model. Your children will grow up thinking that this is okay, that this is normal.  What would you tell either one of them to do if they told you this same exact story?  You'd tell them that they deserve better and they need to let go of this man because he is no good.

I know this is difficult and I know that you are hurting.  Suicide is not an option.  Nobody is worth taking your life over, ever.  You need to take charge of your life for the simple reason that you deserve better, that you are a good person and you need to show your daughters what self respect is all about.  I realize you do not want him to leave but at the same time are you willing to continue sharing him with other women? 

Please reach out to a therapist immed. for help and get some family support.  You do not need to face this alone. 

 As I read your advice, I am crying that a stranger cares more for me and my feelings than my husband. You are so spot on in what you say and I know it to be true. Thank you - greatly. I know Suicide is not an option - I dont want to die - its a form of self-mutilation of the soul I guess. I will look at the option of seeing a therapist as soon as I get a job - I've put my CV out there and I've had one positive probability - an agent has expressed interest in me. I need to keep busy instead of waking up every morning crying hopeless tears, craving for closeness and intimacy. a goodmorning kiss and to know I'm loved. I ave so much to give but at this stage only to him - DAMN I'm so effing mad at myself for not being strong enough to break completely free. But you know whats so strange? He's with me all the time, even during the day when he can do what the hell he wants. But the trust is gone I think forever so yes I must move on. I must.

Thank you so much again Sandy.

I AM NEW TO THE MESSAGE BOARD BUT A FAN OF THE SHOW. I AM SO AT A CROSSROADS IN MY LIFE, EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY. LAST YEAR WAS SUCH A TRAMATIC EXPERIENCE I HAVE GONE INTO A DEEP DEPRESSION I CAN' GET MYSELF OUT OF. A FEW YEARS BACK I MET AND MARRIED MY BEST FRIEND AND LOVER. EVERYTHING WAS GREAT SO WE DECIDED TO HAVE A BABY. HE HAD NO CHILDREN AND I HAD 3 ALMOST GROWN BOYS FROM A PREVIOUS MARRIAGE. IT WAS A NICE LITTLE CHANGE. HE HAD NO KIDS AND I LOVED HIM SO MUCH WE HAD A 2 MONTHS LATER I WAS PREGNANT. IT WAS A GIRL, SHE IS 5 NOW

JUST BUILT A NEW HOUSE, THE LAST SON IN COLLEGE, LIFE IS SO PERFECT, RIGHT? WE NEVER FOUGHT, THOUGH OUR SEX LIFE SLOWED. I MISSED IT, BUT HE SAID THERE WILL BE TIME, THE BABY WILL GROW UP, AND WE JUST HAVE TO BE PATIENT.

THEN I FOUND CREDIT CARDS WE SWORE *WE WOULD NEVER HAVE HE HAD IN HIS NAME. START CTING DISTANT. SO I TRIED TO STIR UP OUR MARRIAGE. HE NEVER NOTICED, BUT HE WAS STILL KIND AND LOVING. WE WERE DOING ONLY THE 'WE BETTER DO IT SEX BECAUSE WE ARE MARRIED THING' BORING! BUT I WAITED. ONE NIGHT HE CAME IN AND LOST IT. TOLD ME WE HAD MONEY TROUBLES BECAUSE OF THE NEW HOUSE, HE HAS BEEN JUGGLING BILLS (WHICH HE NEVER WANTED TO SHARE AT THAT POINT) SO AS A GOOD WIFE, I HELD HIM TOLD HIM WE CAN CUT BACK AND DO THIS. HE WAS JUST NOT HIMSELF. SO I TOLD HIM WE WOULD GET A BUDGET AND I WOULD CARRY MORE OF THAT CHORE. NO PROBLEM RIGHT? WRONG!

THE VERY FIRST CREDIT CARD (MIND IN HISNAME) WAS TO A SEX NUMBER AND A HOTEL. I FREAKED. I INVESTIGATED AND GOT MY P'S AND Q'S TOGETHER AND SURE ENOUGHT HE DID TO ME. BEST FRIENDS, NEVER FIGHT, GIVE US TIME THE SHE THE BABY GROWS UP HAS NOT WAITED. HE HAD BEEN CHATTING FOR MONTHS AND FINALLY GOT UP THE NERVE TO DO IT, AND PUT IN ON A CREDIT CARD RIGHT THERE FOR ME TO SEE. I CONFRONTED HIM, HE ADMITTED, HE SAID HE NEEDED WILD SEX AND I WAS NOT WILD ENOUGH. HELL, THAT'S WHAT I'S BEEN WAITING FOR. I AM USUALLY A GOOD JUDGE OF PEOPLE AND I NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS THOUGHT HE WOULD DO THAT TO ME. I HAD A TUBAL REVERSAL FOR HIM FOR GOD SAKES.

WELL, WE I DECIDED TO DO THE COUNCIL THING AT HIS REQUEST. HE CRIED, PROMISED, SWORE HE WOULD NEVER DO IT AGAIN. I WANTED TO KNOW EVERYTHING, BUT HE ONLY TOLD ME BITS AND PIECES. LYING BY OMISSION I CALL IT. HE WOULD ONLY FESS UP WHEN I FOUND OUT A NEW TID BIT. I WAS SO CRUSHED AND FELT SO USED, AND SO BETRAYED.

THIS WAS CHRISTMAS TIME. MY MOTHER NEVER SPEAKS TO ME SHE IS A NARCSSIST. MADE MY LIFE A LIVING HELL AS A CHILD. I RAISED MY BOYS BY SELF FOR A LONG TIME, MY SISTER WHO WAS LIKE A MOTHER TO ME COMMITTED SUICIDE, AND NOW MY BEST FRIEND DID THIS. I WORKED SO HARD TO BE A GOOD MOTHER, ALL BOYS GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL WITH FULL SCHOLARSHIPS, MY BABY GIRL IS HEALTHY, AND WHAT HURTS IS HE KNEW HOW HARD MY LIFE WAS BEFORE. SO AS I OFTEN DO I SUFFER FROM THE HOLIDAYBLUES. I HAD JUST ABOUT CONQUERED THEM WHEN THIS HAPPENS DURING THE HOLIDAYS NO LESS. HERE GO AGAIN. I WAS THROUGH. ALL OF IT HAD RUN TOGETHER IN MY MIND AND I JUST COULD NOT REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES, I HAVE TO ADMIT HE IS REALLY TRYING TO HELP ME. WE ARE STILL IN COUNCIL NOW 7 MONTHS, I GOT BETTER, MORE TRUSTING, THEN ANOTHER LIE BY OMISSION POPPED UP. HE HADN'T TOLD ME EVERYTHING NOW I AM ON BOTTOM AGAIN. I AM SO TIRED OF BEING A SH** MAGNET, I COULD SCREAM. I TRY TO FOLLOW THE ADVICE OF DR. PHIL, MY PSYCHIATRIST, AND MARRIAGE COUNCIL, BUT FEEL ALL I GET IS 'WELL BE BACK AFTER THIS COMMERICAL BREAK', OR NEW PILS, AND LASTLY MY MARRIAGE COUNCIL WANTS TO PRAY'. THIS IS THE ANNIVERSARY OF MY SISTERS DEATH, AND I GUESS IT HITS THE HARDEST BECAUSE I HAVE NO ONE IN MY FAMILY TO TALK TOO. SO I THOUGHT THIS WOULD HELP, BUT IT REALLY HASN'T. SO IT ANY ONE HAS WORDS OF ADVICE OF HOW TO GET OUT OF THE DEEP DARK HOLE I AM IN, PLEASE LET ME KNOW. THANK YOU.

I don't mean that in a derogatory way, I'm saying open your eyes, read your posts as if somebody else wrote them, like your best friend or sister. What would you tell them if they came to you and said that they had been threatened by their husband with murder, and that the husband was cheating and had absolutely no intention of stopping?

You are in danger. I'm sorry, but your argument about staying because the house was yours before he came along is pretty lame. A lawyer can work that out for you, all you have to do is contact one. You are convincing yourself to stay using arguments that just don't hold up. Get real with yourself and stop deludiing yourself that things will get better, because they won't. It will only escalate until he does use enough physical violence to put you in the hospital or worse. You are in over your head and need help.

Your first step of opening up to these boards is good, it shows that you are looking at your life and beginning to accept the awful truth. However, there's nothing we can do to change your situation except to advise you. YOU are the one that is going to have to make the move and GET OUT OF THERE!!

Go talk to a lawyer, tell him you are in a volatile situation with an abusive husband and that you want OUT. Don't wait. There are people that can help, but you have to contact them first.