Topic : Cheated On

I know exactly what you're saying. Communication doesn't have to be accomplished by vocalization, Sometimes others will dig their own graves with no help from us.

Hello,

What do you think about this?  My husband was not home by a reasonalbe time the other night.  I was very worried.  Finally, after 10 pm I got a call from him saying he was arrested and would be out in about an hour but would not say more.  I thought, well at least he is ok and maybe he does not want to say anything in the police dept so as not to incriminated himself.  So around midnight he called.  He was out.  He told me directly that he did not want to lie.  So he said that he has been stressed and thought he would do something for himself.  He went to a massage parlor and was going to get a massage with a happy ending.  It was a police sting and he was arrested, cuffed and thrown in jail.  He was arrainged in court the next day and has a court date in October.  He says its the first time he has ever done it and that he is so embarrassed and ashamed.  He is appologizing profusely.  He left the next day to take the kids on a camping trip and I went to work before he came home.  I have not seen him since before this happened on Thursday and today is Sunday and he is coming home.  I really dont know how I should feel.  He is my best friend and my everthing.  I want everything to just be the same but then I feel like I am just blocking it out.  When I think about him going there it disgusts me.  We will talk tonight and I will get a better idea of what really happened and if this was just an impulse thing as he says.  Do other women just accept this? We have been married for 8 years and have a pretty tight schedule with the kids.  So he does not have alot of away time where he could be carrying this on with any frequency -- but I an not sure about that either.  I feel like if I just forgive him and accept it I am compromising myself.  Help???

I have been struggling with how to deal with this on my own for a while.  I'm hoping that I can get some good advice from the good folks on this board.  It's kind of a long story- but I'll try to give you the gist.

 

Last August, my husband told me that an ex-girlfriend of his had applied for a job at his work, and asked me how I felt about it.  Naturally- I didn't like it.  But, through his assurance, the fact that they were in college when they dated (we're 37), and me not wanting to stand in the way of anyone's professional goals- I said, "What can I say?"  She got the job- and I felt uneasy...but reiterated to my husband that my only request was to treat her in the manner he would want me to treat my ex, if the roles were reversed. 

 

At first- I noticed that he had become somewhat withdrawn from me.  He became a workaholic.  I found some texts/e-mails between him/her that were something like- "You are the best".....the other would reply, "No- truly you are the best."  I found out they went on lunches together.....not alone (so he says) but in a group of 4 or 5 people.  She of course, was in his car.  He put her as a sub on his volleyball roster (without my knowledge...but they are both avid volleyball players), yet never told me until I found out.  Each time I would find something out- he would say that I was being ridiculous and that he doesn't have feelings for her- that is how he treats every other co-worker in the office.  This went on for a few months- and I became very distracted from that situation because my father (who was only 55 years old) died suddenly during his battle with Multiple Sclerosis.  That was at the end of January.  I am an only child and really struggled getting through and past that horrible time for me and my children who were close to him.  In March- I found a very inappropriate e-mail between my husband and his ex on how they could "repay" each other a favor.  My husband's last comment was, "Oh I'll come up with a repayment plan for you".  He tried to explain that he was multi-tasking when he sent it and that taken out of context can look bad, and that he has zero feelings for his girl, and bottom line it meant nothing and she means nothing to him and that he just typed.  Nothing more than that. 

 

I'm really struggling to believe all of this....they still work together.  It is a close work environment.....  I liken the place to a frat house. 

 

Am I being ridiculous to feel sick every day he walks out the door?  Should I believe that nothing has gone on?  I honestly am so emotionally numb over the course of the past year, I can't even thing straight. 

 

Thank you all in advance for suggestions/comments that might help me through.

I understand your feelings- shock, sadness, anger, disappointment, fear.

By now you have had that talk with him. What happened and what have you two decided or have you decided anything?

I hope that marriage counseling came up in the discussions. Come back and let us know.

What you are doing is deluding yourself, and it just doesn't work does it? No matter how hard you try, the feelings that something are just not right keep rearing their ugly heads.

The reason why is that it's happening whether you are facing it or deluding yourself. Reality is reality.

 

I'm so very sorry to have to say these things to you. I know about delusion first hand, the sooner you clean the screen with which you view your life the better off you will be. You see, it hurts whether you face it or not, so you might as well acknowledge the truth and get down to doing something about it.

 

Go back to when your husband told you that his ex college girlfriend was trying to get a job at the place he worked at. You felt uncomfortable at that time. Yes, it's true that neither you nor your husband can control the actions of another. There is nothing either of you could do to change where this woman applies for a job, UNLESS your husband is the one doing the hiring. Was he?

 

Examine exactly what is was the made you feel uncomfortable about this woman working with your husband. Was it something about their past relationship? Or was it something in his attitude when he broke the news to you? How was your relationship at that time? Have there ever been any other incidents in your marriage when you questioned his actions?

 

Your emotional numbness is due to your delusions. You KNOW what is going on, and since you delude yourself, your emotional life diminishes. Stop it.

I'm so sorry that your father died, this is a very stressful time for you. Seek out the company of those that care for you and can support you. You don't have to suffer alone. Be aware of seeking out those that would use your vulnerable state for their own selfish fulfilment however. The way you are feeling could lead to behavior born of vengeance and a need to hurt in return. This will only complicate matters, so be careful.

Consider getting a professional on your side by getting some counseling. It can be a great relief to divulge in somebody trained to handle emotional crisis.

Come back and let us know how you're doing.

I got married last August and I am now in the process of a divorce. Plus I just had surgery (removal of overies) I am 35 and a single mom again. My husband and so called best friend have finally made public appearances. I had a gut feeling back in November but ignored it.. STUPID. ONe thing I have learned is never to do that and yet I did. In late March early April, he told me he was not happy and didn't want to live this way, I agreed (thinking we would go to counseling) and he told me to contact my attorney.Mind you I was in my truck getting ready to leave for work.. All three of us work at the same company, those two are in the office enviroment and I am a shop supervisor. I started hearing alot of stuff but again ignored it.  moved out in June thinking him and I could go to counseling. I tried talking, I went and seen my Pastor wanting him to join me but he doesn't "believe" he stated. My girlfriend denied anything and told me I was ruining her reputation. First I hadn't and haven't said anything to anyone about what I felt. Nobody's business at work. People were seeing it with their own eyes and making their own assumptions. Never once did he come see me or call me while I was in the hospital but she did. I thought before my surgery I needed to make ammends with her??? I thought maybe I had been overreacting..LOL She came to the hospital and sat and third degreed me?? I seen right through her and haven't spoken to her since. So I can relate to the betrayal. Both of them are still in denial and continue to lie. They are friends??? Holding hands in public is not just friends is it? So  righ now I am going through this grieving process and menapause and sometimes it is hard for me to tell which emotions go with what. This is probably the hardest thing I hae ever had to go through and keeping myself together has been even harder. I am drained completely..

Your husband is cheating with your best friend?

This sounds like they hooked up a scant 3 months after you two got married. Are you sure he wasn't seeing her before you got married?

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, it sounds like your husband wasn't really listening to the particulars during the wedding service- "...in sickness and in health, etc" 

Get some counseling, I'm sure that you could get your insurance to cover it since you've had an operation that is changing your biochemistry over night.

If it's possible, don't make any big changes yet until you've had time to get back on your feet. The insensitivity of your husband is astounding- that he would bring up divorce after what you've gone through.

In order to make the best decisions for yourself you need time, so give yourself the gift of putting him and his selfishness on the back burner and get some counseling and take the time to make decisions that will benefit YOU.

Life has a way of serving up your just desserts to you. Your husband is creating some very bad karma for himself.

Yes I know they are..I don't know if gut feelings are a blessing in disguiese or a curse.. At this point anything is possible. It would not surprise me if they were seeing each other before we got married. BUt why would he marry me then? I think the hardest part of all this is that he was going to adopt my son. My son is autistic and loves Kurt very much. That is his dad. Papers were drawn up but never signed. Now I have a son who is confused and missing him. Knowing my son and his coping skills this is going to be a long process and alot of questions and demands for me. I have to stay strong and put together for him, trust me that little boy feeds off my emotions like no tomorow.

I think he forgot alot of the vows not just that part..

I have the court date already and in this state he does not have to be there because I am the one who filed. However, he is and I really dont want him to be. I am dealing with hormone issues which cause me to be overally emotional. I do not want to give him the satisfaction of crying. I also know I dont have control over that yet..I keep praying for the strength to get through that and that by then my hormones will be in working condition. I think this is his one last chance to drive that knife in.

 

I had my surgery the last week in July so we had been seperated. He sent his g-friend up there instead of coming up himself. I don't know this man and that scares the hell out of me. Makes me afraid of trusting another man.

 

He is a very nice man and anyone who knows him will say that, what I have seen and gone through with him shows me another side, you know the mean, manipulative person..

 

I still have a few more weeks before I have to go back to work and hopefully I wont bump into either one of them..

My husband and I met and started dating when we were on the verge of divorcing our exs. I, in a weak moment of not wanting my son to hate me for breaking up his family, was intimate with my first husband one last time, right before I filed the divorce papers.  I told my then boyfriend/now husband this. He didn't tell me up until now (3 years later and while he is overseas) that it bothered him. And now, to top it all off, that he found out that long before I met him, I kissed a friend of mine, he is threatening divorce.   I understand that the first part hurt him, but I feel I was justified and he doesn't agree.

My questions are: was I totally wrong to sleep with my first husband, even though I was going to be divorcing him; was I wrong to not tell new husband that I had kissed a friend prior to meeting him?

I can't answer the question about why your husband married you if he knew he could not and would not be faithful. I'll bet he can't answer it either, so don't focus on it too much. In my opinion, he sounds like the sort who promises the world and falls down on the follow-through. He wants and  expects others to make his life complete, never realizing that it comes from within. You may well come to thank your lucky stars that your time with him was only a year.

But I have to repeat my warning, don't be pushed into any big decisions yet, either by your own tortured emotions or by his urgings. You are emotionally fragile and need time to get better. You must look after yourself and be kind to yourself, and make decisions that will be the best for you.

I would line up a counselor and a lawyer while you have the time to look over your options.