Topic : Cheated On

I think my husband is cheating on me, but he won't admit to it.  I have found call logs with a female's number on it, along with emails and messeging that is leading me to believe this.  I asked him, but he denies this.  One of the messeges said, OK babe see you in a little while.  Can someone give me some advice before I lose it!

My husband was caught in an affair and I walked away from our marriage of 21 years. It still hurts today 4 years later because he wouldn't talk about it and he was so quick to get diveorced. He is now remarried. its like he just threw me away like 21 years was nothing to him. i still love him and wish him only the best i hope you can work through any problems in your marriage don't walk away like i did. i thought by my walking out that he would wake up and smell the coffee but he just found someone to take my place instead. i will always love him and  am wanting us to get back together but he wont  even talk to me.

I spoke with Kurt yesterday. I used to refer to him as my husband but he is not.. Anyone who leaves the marriage is not a spouse. We had a 45 minute pow wow and when I got off the phone I had so many horrible emotions. One he finally admitted that he was seeing my best friend and that I am the reason he is seeing her and he thanked me. Talk about a low blow. He is still in denial about everything. He blames me for everything and of course for angela.. As much as some of his words hurt they are just words and I can heal. I look in the mirror every morning and tell myself I am going to have a positive day. I started doing that 4-5 days ago. Yesterday and Tuesday were difficult days for both phones were blowing up. I had everyone and their brother calling me telling me about angela and kurt going to vegas and that they were a couple. Mind you most of these people I didn't know.. My divorce is almost final and that is what i told everyone. It is what it is and a relationship built on lies and deceit will not last. Their actions that caused them to be together will cast doubt and lack of trust on both. that will be their punishment.

Hi..

I am going through the same thing. I knew something was not right and i ignored it. I moved out and started going to counseling. I had a pow wow yesterday with him and after several lies he finally admitted to seeing her. If you read under my entry's (clarkt5) you will read that he blamed me for them getting together and he even thanked me. I look at it as a blessing in disguise. If you are having gut feelings and have read emails that tell you differently then well I think you have your answer but are afraid.  You know you can go to your harddrive and pull everything that he thinks is deleted but it really isn't.. I did that with a ex-boyfriend when I seen him on the computer all the time. So if you still want more then I would highly recommend looking at the main hardrive, it stores everything unless it is deleted off that. I don't think your husband is that clever though...

I know you feel insane I get that way as well but in the end if he is it WILL come out. You can either play detective or sit on the couch and be neive. Either way truth will come out in the end..

My husband and I have only been married for 5 1/2 months.  We dated for a year before we got married, and I worry that I may not have thought things through before we proceeded with our marriage plans.  About 6 months before we got married, I caught my husband flirting and chatting with other women on MySpace.  I believe he may have even went so far as to engage in cyber sex with one of them from the message that she sent him.  When I found out, I was devastated. But we talked it through and he swore he would never do it again....but he did.  And this time I had him move back in with his mom. After about a week I missed him and wanted him back so we got back together. Then I found out that his ex (and the mother of his child) had stayed the night there with his mom so she could see the baby.  She was apparently already there when he got there.  When I found out she'd stayed the night there, I was furious!  But he swears that nothing happened and that they didn't even spend the night in the same room together. I gave him the benefit of a doubt and let it go. Then I caught him at least 2-3 times more chatting and flirting with other girls on the Internet.  After a month or two of serious talks, it stopped altogether.  Things were great between us for several months after that and we got married.  I had never been so happy!  As I said, we've been married for 5 1/2 months now.  But a few weeks ago, another bomb was dropped...and this one was a BIG one!  I found a text message that he'd sent his ex that said "I love u."  I almost had a breakdown over this one; I felt like I couldn't take it anymore!  I believe my trust in him has dwindled to nothing and my hope for my marriage is dwindling as well.  And what's worse is that he will never be honest with me about all of these acts of infidelity.  He swears that he either didn't do it or he didn't mean to and that it won't happen again.  I don't understand why he does these things.  I thought I made him happy; I don't know what I"m doing wrong.  I also talked to his ex about the text message and she's now telling me that the night she had stayed the night at his mom's, she and him had slept together two times because me and him were supposedly broke up at the time.  He of course swears it didn't happen.  And she does have a tendency to lie about things to cause drama because she's young.  So who do you believe?  They're both liars!  I don't know if things will ever be the same for us again, and it's making me question whether we should remain married or call it quits.  I feel like I'm just waiting for the next bombshell to drop; I have no trust in him anymore.  And a marriage can't survive without trust.

 

To make things more complicated, since the text message incident I've been talking about all of this to a friend of my husband's.  I've always considered him to be my friend too, and he's been so caring and supportive through all of this.  Sometimes I feel like he's there for me more than my husband is.  And I honestly feel like I'm developing some feelings for him.  I've told him so because I felt like he deserved to know since he's always been honest with me (unlike my husband).  He told me that he has feeings for me too and that if I were ever to call it quits with my husband that he would absolutely get together with me.  But he doesn't want to talk me into getting a divorce and he's certainly not going to get involved with me while I'm still married to my husband because he can't do his friend like that.  I agree with everything he's said and I would never consider cheating on my husband and thus sinking to his level.  But I do have feelings for this friend of his, and they're getting stronger.  But at the same time I still love my husband and I don't feel like I could leave him for any reason.  Sometimes I think my feelings for his friend may just be effects from the lack of security and respect I have with my husband.  Maybe I'm just longing for love and support and the feelings I have for him aren't really romantic feelings.  I don't know.  It's very confusing and I don't know what I want or need anymore.  Any advice would be very much appreciated.  Thanks. 

I was in a similar situation & my gut feel was right on.  Learn from my mistakes!

 

Keep your cool & your anger in check.  DON'T tip your hand too soon.  DON'T let

on you suspect anything until you have EVIDENCE in hand.  Take the opportunity

to make copies of suspicious emails, texts, phone calls.  Find out who this person

(co-worker is very common), see if you can get any info using reverse phone number

search, is she married?  Use the restore feature on computer to look over deleted

messages.  Study him & get a handle on whether he's being evasive or acting weird.

Get the evidence to make your case & be sure about what is going on BEFORE you

ask him.  If it's all okay then you won't accuse him unnecessarily, but if it's not then you

really cannot believe a word he says - liars lie - and you need proof for your own sanity.

 

When you are ready to confront, then do it from a place of strength - do not cry, do not

plead, be calm & collected & don't talk too much - HE IS THE ONE THAT HAS EXPLAINING

TO DO.  DON'T try to fill in the silence, let him squirm but make him explain fully.  He'll probably

try to blame you for his actions as a desperate resort to weasel out of responsibility - don't fall

for it.  We are all responsible for our OWN choices & the predictable results.  Things don't

"just happen" - we take deliberate steps to make them happen.  We can't MAKE someone

love us, and we can't control anyone but ourselves - try to detach from the situation, it will

make a huge difference if you can accomplish this.

 

If this woman is married then make it clear that her husband deserves to know

what she is up to.  Tell your husband and this woman in a very calm manner (in writing,

it's too hard to keep your cool otherwise) that this is what is going to happen - cold, hard

evidence (email copies, the works).  This could be the cold water needed to nip things

in the bud hopefully.

 

This is all easier said than done - believe me, I didn't follow this to a "t" myself!  I hope you

do better & come through it stronger & with all your dignity intact.  If suspicions turn out right,

then you will have some decisions to make about what you're willing to live with and whether

it's worth the price.  Only you can make that decision - think long & hard and seek objective

counsel (friends are well-meaning but might not be best advisors).

<<Get the evidence to make your case & be sure about what is going on BEFORE you ask him.>> 

 

This is such great advice.  I accused my husband without proof and he just got sneakier.  It actually became more thrilling for them at that point.
 

 

<<If this woman is married then make it clear that her husband deserves to know 

what she is up to.>>

If you warn this woman that you are going to tell her husband, she will get to him first and tell him you are some crazy woman.  This happened to me, and since then I have heard it is very common.  If you have absolute proof, that's one thing.  But if you don't, he'll just laugh you off and the affair partners will just go deeper underground.

<<Only you can make that decision - think long & hard and seek objective counsel (friends are well-meaning but might not be best advisors).>>

 

I think this is such good advice.  If your husband is cheating you will be very upset, and your friends will be so angry to see how he is hurting you.  They will be quick to say, "Kick the bum out" when really, they don't know what they would do in the same situation.  Make sure you really think it through.  My husband was going through a mid-life crisis and his emotions were all over the place.  Because I was so hurt, I kicked him out immediately.  He went straight to OW, and the rest is history.  Our marriage is over, and seeing the impact on my daughter, I wish I'd taken a few days to cool off before making my decision - he had left it in my hands.  Because he showed no compunction to end the relationship on the spot, I felt I had no choice.  But always have the what ifs - what if I'd given him time to break it off?  What if I'd confronted her myself?
 

 

And if he is cheating, please try to limit who you tell to extremely trustworthy people, who will support you in whatever decision you make.  If you want to restore your marriage, they may be your best allies as a couple.
 

 You see a few years ago I suspected my wife was up to something.  Started to go out with new friends and when I would work second shift she was on the computer and she NEVER used to be on there.   I put on a key logger program that would capture her key strokes.  That very night I called home and the line was busy so I knew she was online.  I came home and checked the program while she slept on the couch.

Now the whole time I am telling myself that this is crazy and I felt bad spying on her but I needed to know.  I saw what looked as a screen name and password and then the phrase " Hello are you on"  She logged on a couple of time asking the same question.   My heart started to beat.  Then HE must of came on because the conversation started.  I only could see her side but I read where she showed him her chest on camera and she said she couldn't wait to see that BIG thing of his again and could not wait to feel that BIG c*ck inside her.    My heart was beating so fast it was all I could hear.   I thought it was going to explode out of my chest!!!

Long story short she was with him twice in his car after his work and she preforemed oral on him twice and he did very little to her.  In fact I read that night that she was to meet him that day for the first time for intercourse!!   However he blew her off that day.   I read about how disapointed she was and about the outfit she brought that day to make it easy for him to get to her....in the car!!!   I found the outfit in the van. 
The next day I read her emails and there was  A LOT of sex talk and size was a main topic.  Big, real man, hope I can take it, can't wait to feel it, etc. ect. ect.

After going through our ups and downs we moved on but I did make her tell me about all the "big" talk.   She finally said that yes he was much bigger than you are you happy.   Then she was blunt about it.   She was excited about his size and that she was looking forward to feeling him.  She also reassured me that she never wanted to leave me and she was not sure why she did it.

I am and always have been insecure about my size and a farily small down there.   I know that she wants more and I think that she regrets not having intercouse with him.   We don't talk about the affair and I don't throw it in her face and we are pretty much past it.  But the other day we did talk about it and she said it is not like I think about a bigger d*ck all the time.  Hmmmmm   what am I to take from that??   "all the time" Should I be worried she will cheat again?   Our sex life is better than before and I learned from this and treat her a lot better and in most ways our relationship better, but she still thinks about "it".   

Am I crazy to worry????

You are not at all crazy to worry. My husband cheated on me. I found out about a year and a half ago. We got divorced and then eventually back together. All I have to say is go with your gut feeling. The one condition that I had when we got back together is that if I suspect that anything is going on then we are done for good. Its been almost a year since we have gotten back together and so far no gut feelings. If you still suspect something ask yourself is it because something is really there or is it because you are afraid that something might be going on. It took me some time to figure out what was gut feelings and what was insecurity. To this day I have to look at everything and figure out where things are coming from. I think you should both try counseling or at least keep a journal of what you feel and think throughout the day and set some time every week to share it with the other. Some ground rules have to be set of course. Like rule number one..No one is allowed to get angry for what is said in the journal. These are your feelings and everyone is entitled to their feelings. Rule number two... This is a healing process and bringing up unresolved past issues is ok as long as it is to work to a solution and not to attack the other person. Rule number three...once the time is over for discussing the journals it's over. No bringing it up later that day or later in the week. If there is something that needs to be discussed then it should be written in the journal and discussed at the next meeting. Remember you and your wife can work this out just the two of you as long as both of your hearts is really in it. Maybe even pick a relationship self help book out every month and discuss it at your meetings.  I hope some of this is helpful. Good Luck!!!!

     Hello everyone!

Well I need some help and advice.  It has been almost a year since I found out my wife was having an affair.  I suspected it, but of course she denied it until I found an email that he had sent to her with a photo of them having sex.  Big shock!  She feels horrible and didn't even want the photo's, but he took them anyway and then sent one to her.  Of course it was the most graphic photo.  My question is why would he send it anyway?  I have a feeling it was for me, but I can't prove it.  He said he accidental sent it to the wrong email address.  Whatever! 
Anyway, 90% of the time I am doing great, but that 10% I am real sick of.  I can be having a great day and then either the picture comes into my mind or something else does.  It has almost been a year.  You would think I would be doing better then I am.  We are in counseling and that is helping.  My wife feels very guilty for putting me through this pain and is doing everything she can to help. 
I just need some words of advice.