Topic : Cheated On

   It's been awhile since I've been here. My husband and I are trying to reconnect again. He had cheated with another woman for several months. He broke it off with her and I think I can believe him that he has no contact with her. I had even called her a month after he broke it off with her and she told me they had no contact since the break. Now if I can just adjust or come to terms with the way he hurt me and somehow get over it someway to get our lives back. We will probably never be the way we were before but maybe we can make it work. 

   He says he loves me more now than ever and he never wants me to leave. He doesn't want to divorce. I just have problems believing that he truly loves me.  I have conflicting emotions about the whole situation. I cry alot very easily; I get angry (more like a blinding rage at times) and I still hate and love him at the same time. I could let the hate overtake the love but it wouldn't help me in the future. The events of the last few months would still be there. So I'm trying to put this affair somewhere that I can't think about it as much. 

   Just so you all know....I was drinking alot at one time (I told you about that) now I am not drinking to dull the pain anymore.  Things are better and I'm dealing with the past and planning for the future with my husband.    

Truth..what a novel idea.  One of which I have begged for in the last couple weeks.  He just keeps swearing he can't remember because it was not important to him.  Something to pass the time and get even with me for.  I feel like that as long as he keeps all the details to himself and denies everything I have found and has been told to me that he is still trying to deceive me.  Maybe in hopes of finishing the job he started???  Or maybe because the details are so bad that he thinks I couldn't deal with them.  I have told him that no actual details/truth could be as bad what I have imagined.  I have even came close to taking out a loan for the $600.00 that it would cost me to have him take a lie detectors test.  One which he swears up and down he would pass.  But then I'd be stuck paying back a loan I feel would probably put an end to our marriage.  And not because of the affair, but because he is still trying to lie his way out of it.  This whole ordeal has seemed to have gotten me into a downward spiral of obsessiveness, one which seems the more I try to climb out of the deeper I get pulled into.  Today I am going to try to find a counselor but the area I live in is pretty remote and backwards.  At least I hope it will give me something else to think about other than him and his lies. 

Still desperate in Alabama, 

Theresia 

    

  

  Takes a long while. It takes a very long time even if the cheating spouse is doing everything RIGHT. There is a connection with this type of emotional trauma and ptsd, so it does really do a job on our brains. The obsessing is normal the mood swings are normal... 

  

  

  try to chat a a more active and easy to use website www.lifesaviors.com 

  NO, I wouldn't believe his story.  You shouldn't either. If you feel he is lying that is all that truly matters. 

  

  

  I did have my Husband take a lie detector. It was so worth the money.  I needed to know if he had FINALLY TOLD ME THE WHOLE TRUTH.  He had thank goodness.  

  

  I think you would also benefit from a better website than this. There is great benefits from speaking with others that have been down this road- try lifesaviors.com.  

A friend gave me a # to a psychic. She has used her before. So, out of curiosity, I called the lady, she responded. Without me giving any info she immediately pointed that I was depressed, she also described past life experiences such as she said there were two  fatalities in your life. One was recent and one was years ago. Then she said she got a strong since from a female with blonde hair, and a sence from a male figure who I was close too. That my childhood was not calm, there were many family arguments and dishonesty.  I was blown away. She also descirbed my marriage. She said you are not happy and that I am married to a mean and selfish man. So, I asked her if he had cheated on me or if he is, she said he had, a few months  ago with someone who has long brown hair, brown eyes, weighing around 110 pounds. As of now he is not. HIs affair was not work rlated, but w/ someone he knows through work. What got my attention was the fact that a few months ago when my hus. and I were out dancing, he ran into someone he knew from a hospital he did work for. They spent a long time conversing and she fits the description to the tee. The psychic said her name begins with an L. When the time is right I will ask him again what her name is.  What she could describe fit his profile to a tee.  She also said that he has been and will be unfaithful again. That she senses I will be leaving him in the next 6 months. That there is a better and respectful romance that will first be friends and blossom into a love. SHe aid that the reason I haven't left is due to financial restraints. That is accurate. The most important thing I got out of talking with her was what I suspected all along. He had cheated on me. So, as she said I I know is that I need to get a job, save and strategically plan to leave him.  I am looking for employment, once I have enough money saved, I have it planned in my mind to leave him while he is at work one day. so that when he comes home it will be a slap in the face for him.

I am so relieved that you know "bull" from "horse".  Yeah, it is a crock. 

  

OF COURSE, he slept in another room and they never had sex.  Same catagory as the horse story.   Was the "arm" involved in the hug located below the belt by any chance? 

  

Get yourself to the doctor for AIDS/STD testing.  Test again in six months.  He does the same and you get his results directly from doctor in person or in writing.  Any sexual contact you have between tests (or until you are convinced he is faithful)  requires a condom.   I can assure you he did not use one with her. 

  

If he needed someone to talk to it should have been you.  Unburdening yourself to anyone of the opposite sex when married is code for "I am willing to cheat".  Cannot tell you how often this excuse is used on these boards.  Too "shy" to take an outright offer after finding his way to her "guest" room?  Not likely.  And if her willingness made him uncomfortable, that was his cue to leave, not "visit" for the next 18 months. 

  

A one-time group birthday that he declined to be involved in (and probably spent a lot of time pouting about) is no justification for extra-marital contact of any sort or duration.  I am not fond of even the most innocent chat rooms.  They often contain a great deal of flirting and take up a lot of time that should be spent on your relationship. Think about this. 

  

Let's face it, he knew you would find the calls because you often straighten out his paperwork, right? 

Does his cell phone go places without him?  Maybe it just left the truck and went to a TOTALLY DIFFERENT area from where he says he was and DIALED ITSELF.  C'mon, my teenager would not even try this one. 

  

He has memory problems because it is not to his ADVANTAGE to remember.  He remembered well enough to brag to his buddies though didn't he? 

  

As in all cheating it is the lying that is the most hurtful.  I am no fan of porn and it's sudden induction into his life is just another red flag. 

  

Let's face it, hubby is selfish at the minimum, controlling and manipulative at the max.  He wants you to sit home alone waiting for him, but does not apply the same rules to himself.  Good ole double standard. He knows he has you between a rock a hard place.  Mom is sick, you are injured, unemployed and dependent on him financially.   

  

I always advise financial self-protection.  Do you have your own bank accounts and credit card in your name only?  If not now is the time.  YOUR money goes in YOUR account.  Pay bills on percent basis not equal shares.  If you make 30% of income pay same amount of "joint"  bills.  And I would make sure my money went toward the necessities-house, utilities, my car etc.  Individual or business expenses are not included in "joint" expenses.  And half of ALL joint funds are yours. I see no reason why they cannot sit in your account as well as his.  

  

  

I usually suggest a consult with divorce lawyer.  State laws vary and if hubby is self-employed that puts another twist on seperation or divorce.  Seeing the lawyer does not commit you to divorce, but 

will provide you with information. 

  

For me, the TRUTH is the first requirement.  ALL of it on ALL topics.  Some of us find out that the hoochie we know about is not the only one.  Polygraph seems to work well and does best if administered in a timely fashion.  I think it is worth whatever it costs you, but I suspect hubby will not have the same opinion.  Expect him to bail on test day even if he is initially agreeable.  Think about how many $$  he has spent on your FORMER friend. 

  

Many of us love the cheater in our life.  However, loving him and continuing to live with/be married to him are two different things.  To stay or go is your decision, but I advise you base it on information that comes from your head, not your heart.  A good counselor might also help. 

  

I think you hit the nail on the head in your message.  One extrememly selfish person that messes up a lot of other people's lives without asking permission. 

  

Yes, society accepts cheating in general no matter the gender and marriage vows are taken so lightly that they seem to have no impact.  And I agree raising children is designed as a two parent job.  Most single parents do not realize just how tough the job is until too late and struggle from that point on.   

  

Betrayal changes you forever.  It makes you mistrust yourself and your judgements and that is difficult to get over. 

I just want to make one observation... If you place all your judgment in what a psychic said, you run chance of being a fool. You need to talk to your husband, not a psychic. He could very well be, or had an affair, but you need to get that from him. 

I believe there are psychics that believe what they do, and some that are on the money a lot of the time, but there are also some charlatans, and what if by some chance, the psychic was picking up on your thoughts, more than what has happened? 

Get the facts from him, or a private detective, or something concrete. Something you can hold up and show him. That would be the slap in the face.  

IF by chance you were wrong, it would be a slap in YOUR face.  

Maybe the two of you need counseling, or something, if you are willing to try in the marriage. IF not, then go, but wouldn't it feel better if you knew for sure, and not what a psychic told you? I hope you give this some thought, and I hope it helps. Good luck, no matter what you decide to do. 

Well..I will try to get to the bottom quickly....my husband and I have been separated for several months now(my idea)..in that course of time he began to see another woman and then we both realized how much we love each other and are going to marriage counseling to make things work...while he says he cares for her ,he doesn;t love her but me..he is not the running around,cheating type..really,he is a genuine person who would not have even done it had I not wanted to separate..now here is the catch..the other woman is pregnant and she swears it is his..he is gonna have a DNA test done when it comes and will be a wonderful father if it is his...both emotionaly and financially......how in the world do we make it through this..she has made him feel so guilty for "leaving her with two other childre(not his) and no job(which she quit when they started dating)..she never talks about wanting him cause she loves him or even because of the baby..it is always....monetary things...like she jsut wants a meal ticket..she says she can't get a job pregnant..I see pregnant people working all the time..i did it!!  I have told him he cannot be responsible for her whole life because she is pregnant..only for his child..she would have to provide for herslef if he hadn't come along right?? any advice to get through this would be great!! there is also the fact that months ago she told him she absolutely did not want another child until she was in a settled relationship,,,,and I knwo it is up to both parties for birth control but if it were my body and I really didn't want a baby ,I would go the extra mile to protect myself..but she did nothing and neither did he cause he was never able to get any body else pregnant before(tried with first wife 7 years and she didn't get pregnant til they divorce and she married someone else and then the same thing with a long term girlfriend)..anyways..then she pops up pregnant.......I want to believe that we can make it through this..we truly love each other and this is killing us both..more him than me...please help......

Well first things first, I am sorry to hear about this situation.  I know it's a hard on, I too was seperated but now going through a divorce (my idea).  I am sure you didn't think you would have to deal with this, and it a tough one to deal with!  BUT he needs to step up and care for this woman's pregnancy, if she is not working, does she have health insurance.  I am assuming he slept with his woman, and was not safe (very immature thing to do by the way).  He needs to take care of this until he is proven otherwise.   

There is no way she can't work, BUT it is very difficult to find an employer to give her a job right now in her health state.  You need to be right by his side, letting him know that he needs to step up as a dad for now.  Don't let this woman feel like she has the upper hand, I am sure she is heart broken....just think how she feels in all this?  but that doesn't mean you need to feel guilty, you didn't do anything. 

I think you can work through this if your heart and brain are with this 100%.  It will a long painful road though sweetie, no doubt.  If that baby is his, you have a lifetime of this lady being in your life. 

You have to look deep down inside yourself and make the right choice here.   

Hope it all works out!