Message Boards

Topic : Cheated On

Number of Replies: 5030
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:01:22 pm
Author : dataimport
If your partner's been unfaithful, find support here. General talk and debate about infidelity can be found in our Infidelity discussion.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

May 26, 2009, 4:34 pm CDT

I need to know

Quote From: mrlogan

I posted here about internet cheated on, an issue about my wife, she had contact one ex-boyfriend and change sex-porn-dirty emails.

Now, after almost 1 year this fact have passed, its happening the following:
My wife got a friend, a girl, since we are in another country, not our hometown country, she kind of had no friends over here... so she got this friend from work... it was everything ok when she decided to have a facebook account and added this girl from work. She was talking to this girl everyday, and I realized that they started to get closer, as friend. And, there is a music, here in the country we are, a kind of rap music that talks about sex! kind of 50 cents...you know? well... her friend sent her a couple of musics like that and she started to hear it and not only that, but started to post, in facebook, to her friend, like a conversation between bouth, started to send her the lirycs of this songs, like they were singing! but you know, even if you post something in someone facebook, all of your friends will check it, and I think, to me, this is pretty much as what she was doing before! before she sent emails to her exboyfriend true internet, now she is doing this!! to me this is the same as cheating as well!!! Plus that, she calls her girl friend as: "baby" "sweety" "my love" "my life"....
She answer questionaries(QUIZ), for a example some QUIZ title : HOW I AM GOOD IN THE BED!!!, THE FIVE THINGS I WANT RIGHT NOW!!! and the answer its regarding to sex , and again all facebook friends list are abble to see it and read it.Those things really stills puts me into doubts.

She said to me its just jokes, conversations between friends, but with the porn e-mail to her ex-boyfriend thing, this hurts me so much.She said I want to control her life, her friendships life, but I not talking about this, I just ask for her to stop with this kind of conversation, because I feel the same as with those times that she sent porn emails to ex-boyfriend.She is really mad at me beacause she said that she can not speak our have a sex theme conversation with any friends, even girlfriends, and said that this is not normal! said that the normal is, sometimes, have this kind of conversations, our k¡jokes around this subject and she said if she cant speak at all about that with any friends, she can not go into a condition like that in her marriage...like a "prohibited subject" in her life.

She had a conversation once, between her firneds, that she were saying that it was hard to have sex with me, and one friend, a woman saiyng to her to go for a drink, to get good to have sex and makes "the gueisha" service, and after this, she comes to me, we have sex on this night, and as soon we finished the act, she proposed me to split up.

Today, after one argument about this subject, she deleted her facebook page, deleted the friends list, deleted everything.

I said to her this it was not necessary, I just want to her to stop with the sex kind of conversation, questionaries, and things related with this subject just for a time, but she said again "if I will have a facebook to keeps wondering every joke or every friends conversation and be afraid to someone talk to me something regarding that, and be always afraid with everything, i do prefer not to have".

I really dont know what to do.......I am afraid that things that happened in the past, happen again and-or worst, goes to a physical thing, you know?
I dont think those things are necesary to her, to live, I mean... she can live without it!! right?

how old you and your wife are and what country your from, cause I think your reactions to what she is doing might be related to your culture and beliefs... let me know ~Red
 
May 26, 2009, 6:02 pm CDT

Answer

Quote From: redneon

how old you and your wife are and what country your from, cause I think your reactions to what she is doing might be related to your culture and beliefs... let me know Red

We are from Brazil, and we live in Argentina right now.

But let me tell you the culture and beliefs are pretty much the same.

I have 28 years old and she has 26 years old.We are married for four years now, and we have two kids.

I dont know about the all south america but Brazil and Argentina share almost the same culture as north america, I think this can change in Europe or Asia maybe...anyways...is a pretty much "american culture".

 
May 27, 2009, 7:45 pm CDT

ok mrlogan

Quote From: mrlogan

I posted here about internet cheated on, an issue about my wife, she had contact one ex-boyfriend and change sex-porn-dirty emails.

Now, after almost 1 year this fact have passed, its happening the following:
My wife got a friend, a girl, since we are in another country, not our hometown country, she kind of had no friends over here... so she got this friend from work... it was everything ok when she decided to have a facebook account and added this girl from work. She was talking to this girl everyday, and I realized that they started to get closer, as friend. And, there is a music, here in the country we are, a kind of rap music that talks about sex! kind of 50 cents...you know? well... her friend sent her a couple of musics like that and she started to hear it and not only that, but started to post, in facebook, to her friend, like a conversation between bouth, started to send her the lirycs of this songs, like they were singing! but you know, even if you post something in someone facebook, all of your friends will check it, and I think, to me, this is pretty much as what she was doing before! before she sent emails to her exboyfriend true internet, now she is doing this!! to me this is the same as cheating as well!!! Plus that, she calls her girl friend as: "baby" "sweety" "my love" "my life"....
She answer questionaries(QUIZ), for a example some QUIZ title : HOW I AM GOOD IN THE BED!!!, THE FIVE THINGS I WANT RIGHT NOW!!! and the answer its regarding to sex , and again all facebook friends list are abble to see it and read it.Those things really stills puts me into doubts.

She said to me its just jokes, conversations between friends, but with the porn e-mail to her ex-boyfriend thing, this hurts me so much.She said I want to control her life, her friendships life, but I not talking about this, I just ask for her to stop with this kind of conversation, because I feel the same as with those times that she sent porn emails to ex-boyfriend.She is really mad at me beacause she said that she can not speak our have a sex theme conversation with any friends, even girlfriends, and said that this is not normal! said that the normal is, sometimes, have this kind of conversations, our k¡jokes around this subject and she said if she cant speak at all about that with any friends, she can not go into a condition like that in her marriage...like a "prohibited subject" in her life.

She had a conversation once, between her firneds, that she were saying that it was hard to have sex with me, and one friend, a woman saiyng to her to go for a drink, to get good to have sex and makes "the gueisha" service, and after this, she comes to me, we have sex on this night, and as soon we finished the act, she proposed me to split up.

Today, after one argument about this subject, she deleted her facebook page, deleted the friends list, deleted everything.

I said to her this it was not necessary, I just want to her to stop with the sex kind of conversation, questionaries, and things related with this subject just for a time, but she said again "if I will have a facebook to keeps wondering every joke or every friends conversation and be afraid to someone talk to me something regarding that, and be always afraid with everything, i do prefer not to have".

I really dont know what to do.......I am afraid that things that happened in the past, happen again and-or worst, goes to a physical thing, you know?
I dont think those things are necesary to her, to live, I mean... she can live without it!! right?

Now that I know your ages and where your from I can answer this a bit easier.  I asked about cultures, because some countries the male is very dominate and the woman is treated like an unequal partner and it puts a big strain on the marriage.  If you treat your wife as a partner and you are both working o n the marriage in a constructive way its good, if not its going to cause problems.

 

That said, I do think your wifes behaviour is not appropriate for being married.  I think she is looking for something she isn't getting from you and your marriage.  Maybe she is lonely, maybe she wants more sex from you, some attention, so alone time without the kids around?  What ever it is,  she should NOT be going outside your marriage to find it.  She should be talking to you, telling you what she needs instead of going on line and talking sexy to anyone...male or female.  Talking to and even sending "porn" email to an exboyfriend really does cross the line and should not continue.  I'm not sure what you mean by porn emails, but I am assuming that she has sent nude or inapproprate pictures to this exboyfriend?

 

Now that said, she deserves to have friends.  Preferably female friends, but she shouldn't cross the line with how she talks to them.  I know young people like to talk "dirty" sometimes to their friends, but if you don't think the way she is talking to them is appropriate for a married woman, then she really should respect your request not to talk that way.  If she has more male online friends than female ones, then that is cause for concern to you, and I understand that concern.  It means she is flirting with them and she shouldn't be doing that with men,,, she is married to you.

 

Do you think that she feels like she got married too soon or too young?  Is she behaving this way because she regrets getting married and being tied down with two children?  If she feels like you are trying to control her life and what she can and can't do,, then there really is a bigger problem within your marriage and you need to sit down calmly and discuss what that problem is.  Does she feel used, just being someone who cooks, cleans, looks after your children and has sex with you and she wants to be more than that to you?

 

If she continues to email stuff you don't think a marrried woman should be emailing, then maybe you should take the computer out of the house? Just a thought....

 

Being too jealous of your wife isn't a good thing either, there needs to be some trust, I can see why you don't trust her, but if she wants you to trust her... she needs to prove to you that she is behaving the way you expect your wife to behave.  If all of this is too much for her, if she feels like there are to many rules that you have for her, then maybe she will continue to want to seperate from you,, and in that case you will have to live with the fact you might be divorced in the near future.  I hope you can talk to her and find out what is going on and why she is turning away from you.  I hope you can come to an agreement that the two of you can both live with.  Good luck~Red

 
May 28, 2009, 8:00 am CDT

Continue

Quote From: redneon

Now that I know your ages and where your from I can answer this a bit easier.  I asked about cultures, because some countries the male is very dominate and the woman is treated like an unequal partner and it puts a big strain on the marriage.  If you treat your wife as a partner and you are both working o n the marriage in a constructive way its good, if not its going to cause problems.

 

That said, I do think your wifes behaviour is not appropriate for being married.  I think she is looking for something she isn't getting from you and your marriage.  Maybe she is lonely, maybe she wants more sex from you, some attention, so alone time without the kids around?  What ever it is,  she should NOT be going outside your marriage to find it.  She should be talking to you, telling you what she needs instead of going on line and talking sexy to anyone...male or female.  Talking to and even sending "porn" email to an exboyfriend really does cross the line and should not continue.  I'm not sure what you mean by porn emails, but I am assuming that she has sent nude or inapproprate pictures to this exboyfriend?

 

Now that said, she deserves to have friends.  Preferably female friends, but she shouldn't cross the line with how she talks to them.  I know young people like to talk "dirty" sometimes to their friends, but if you don't think the way she is talking to them is appropriate for a married woman, then she really should respect your request not to talk that way.  If she has more male online friends than female ones, then that is cause for concern to you, and I understand that concern.  It means she is flirting with them and she shouldn't be doing that with men,,, she is married to you.

 

Do you think that she feels like she got married too soon or too young?  Is she behaving this way because she regrets getting married and being tied down with two children?  If she feels like you are trying to control her life and what she can and can't do,, then there really is a bigger problem within your marriage and you need to sit down calmly and discuss what that problem is.  Does she feel used, just being someone who cooks, cleans, looks after your children and has sex with you and she wants to be more than that to you?

 

If she continues to email stuff you don't think a marrried woman should be emailing, then maybe you should take the computer out of the house? Just a thought....

 

Being too jealous of your wife isn't a good thing either, there needs to be some trust, I can see why you don't trust her, but if she wants you to trust her... she needs to prove to you that she is behaving the way you expect your wife to behave.  If all of this is too much for her, if she feels like there are to many rules that you have for her, then maybe she will continue to want to seperate from you,, and in that case you will have to live with the fact you might be divorced in the near future.  I hope you can talk to her and find out what is going on and why she is turning away from you.  I hope you can come to an agreement that the two of you can both live with.  Good luckRed

My wife never sent nude pictures to that ex-boyfriend, thats I am pretty sure, and she do not have any contact after I discovered that, she sent and received a couple of emails with that ex-boyfriend, and I saw just one, that contained just sex-porn conversation.I told this to you to aclarate the things.We almoust broke up, we were passing true many things, this was a year ago and we decided start all over again. Now I know that she doesnt have any contact with this guy anymore.

 

 
June 1, 2009, 9:42 am CDT

Cheated On

I have posted before in regards to my in-laws coming on vacation with my husband and  I. Vacation is MY time and I guess they cramp my style...I feel like a little kid on vacation with my parents. I had told my husband that I would not go again if they came with us...not that they are not wonderful people...because they are. I now feel as though I am not close to them anymore, I was a real bitch on vacation...not being very friendly to them. My husband is 9 years younger than I...which doesn't seem to be an issue...the age difference. ok...a little background to set this up. I have been going to Jamaica for vacation for 20 years...which is were I met my husband...I am not a pot smoker, but he is. When I had met him...he said it was just a weekend thing. Well, it has turned out to be an all the time thing. I am a go getter...he is a sit and emjoy the sun person...and smoke his weed. The house needs to be painted, the carpets need to be cleaned, the flooring and doors need to be replaced...the house is becoming very run down looking. When I try to do projects, he gets mad at me... I feel he is thinking it might create a little "work" for him, or he will have to tell his parents that I did it. He cannot do any work after he gets off work as he has "worked all day" and can't do anything on the weekend as he has "worked all week" I work as well, plus everything else. He cannot go to the store, eat, go for a walk or do anything unless he smokes from his hitter box first. He is a great and loving person, but I can tell he gets moody if he doesn't have the weed. He tells me it is not addicting...I know better. He gets mad at me if I bring up the subject. He is not the going out type of person...can't smoke weed there, if I ask him to do anything he bitches about it...but if his friend were to ask him to come over and help them...he would probably run...if he wasn't feeling lazy, because then they could smoke together...I am sure that is in his mind at that time more than the helping him with the work. I am sick and tired of having nothing ever done...unless I do it. I am the one who does everything around the house, inside and out. I am now feeling really down, have given up on trying to do any improvements as he then gets mad, and think that there is a better life out there for me. Like I said, he is a wonderful guy...very nice, loving...and I know there is worse, but I feel like I could be on my own without the aggrivation. I have also felt like the past couple of years that when I go on vacation (we go to the same spot every year) that I am no longer having the fun that I used to. He is just content going to the same little bar so he can smoke his weed...is not a dancer...nor a big drinker...nor do we have any friends at home that we hang out with...so there is no going out. His parents never really had friends, they say they don't need friends (his mom doesn't need girlfriends) as they have each other. I have been talking to a friend  on fb whom i have known for years at my vacation spot, and now have feelings for him...not that i would leave my relationship for him. But guess this is were the cheating comes in...I realize that even talking to someone on line is cheating and I feel very guilty for it. But I am getting totally bored...with this marriage...and do not want to hurt any body. But how do I coninue to be unhappy? I know everybody would think I was horrible as everybody like my husband. They just don't know the pot smoking, laziness thing and would tell me it could be worse anyways. What can I do? Stay unhappy forever to make people happy? I know my ex-husband never did. This is my second marriage, the last one lasted for just this long as well. Do I have maybe a problem with committment for a long period of time...just funny that I am now again at the 8 year point in a marriage. Any comments would be appreciated.
 
June 1, 2009, 12:32 pm CDT

odd 3451

Quote From: odd_3451

I have posted before in regards to my in-laws coming on vacation with my husband and  I. Vacation is MY time and I guess they cramp my style...I feel like a little kid on vacation with my parents. I had told my husband that I would not go again if they came with us...not that they are not wonderful people...because they are. I now feel as though I am not close to them anymore, I was a real bitch on vacation...not being very friendly to them. My husband is 9 years younger than I...which doesn't seem to be an issue...the age difference. ok...a little background to set this up. I have been going to Jamaica for vacation for 20 years...which is were I met my husband...I am not a pot smoker, but he is. When I had met him...he said it was just a weekend thing. Well, it has turned out to be an all the time thing. I am a go getter...he is a sit and emjoy the sun person...and smoke his weed. The house needs to be painted, the carpets need to be cleaned, the flooring and doors need to be replaced...the house is becoming very run down looking. When I try to do projects, he gets mad at me... I feel he is thinking it might create a little "work" for him, or he will have to tell his parents that I did it. He cannot do any work after he gets off work as he has "worked all day" and can't do anything on the weekend as he has "worked all week" I work as well, plus everything else. He cannot go to the store, eat, go for a walk or do anything unless he smokes from his hitter box first. He is a great and loving person, but I can tell he gets moody if he doesn't have the weed. He tells me it is not addicting...I know better. He gets mad at me if I bring up the subject. He is not the going out type of person...can't smoke weed there, if I ask him to do anything he bitches about it...but if his friend were to ask him to come over and help them...he would probably run...if he wasn't feeling lazy, because then they could smoke together...I am sure that is in his mind at that time more than the helping him with the work. I am sick and tired of having nothing ever done...unless I do it. I am the one who does everything around the house, inside and out. I am now feeling really down, have given up on trying to do any improvements as he then gets mad, and think that there is a better life out there for me. Like I said, he is a wonderful guy...very nice, loving...and I know there is worse, but I feel like I could be on my own without the aggrivation. I have also felt like the past couple of years that when I go on vacation (we go to the same spot every year) that I am no longer having the fun that I used to. He is just content going to the same little bar so he can smoke his weed...is not a dancer...nor a big drinker...nor do we have any friends at home that we hang out with...so there is no going out. His parents never really had friends, they say they don't need friends (his mom doesn't need girlfriends) as they have each other. I have been talking to a friend  on fb whom i have known for years at my vacation spot, and now have feelings for him...not that i would leave my relationship for him. But guess this is were the cheating comes in...I realize that even talking to someone on line is cheating and I feel very guilty for it. But I am getting totally bored...with this marriage...and do not want to hurt any body. But how do I coninue to be unhappy? I know everybody would think I was horrible as everybody like my husband. They just don't know the pot smoking, laziness thing and would tell me it could be worse anyways. What can I do? Stay unhappy forever to make people happy? I know my ex-husband never did. This is my second marriage, the last one lasted for just this long as well. Do I have maybe a problem with committment for a long period of time...just funny that I am now again at the 8 year point in a marriage. Any comments would be appreciated.

Wow, well first I have to say that I went thru pretty much the same thing as you with my 2nd ex.  He like his dope, and well he lost all ambition to enjoy life.  Life to him was making sure that he had dope, had a place to smoke dope and then just sat there enjoying his high.  The thing is, life made me high.  I like yourself want to experience life, not watch it float by me. I too hated that I had to do everything... what is a marriage if you are there by yourself,.. I mean he isn't contributing to it... so your right, you could be happier alone and without the hassel of looking at him sit there veg'd out all the time.  Dope is addicting, and it makes people not care... thats where your husband is right now.  He doesn't care.  He is not taking an active role in your marriage,or your life together either.

 

I don't think your awful, I think you are just a person who has had enough.  You have lived this way for the past 8 years and you don't want to live this way any longer.  I don't blame you one little bit.  How boring!  You asked if you have a committment problem... I don't think, I just think that 8 years of crap is your breaking point. And you've reached that!

 

Just because everyone loves your husband doesn't mean you have to stay with someone you don't want to be with anymore.  I want you to read your own post here and then ask yourself what you would tell your girlfriend with this problem, if they should really stay in this horrible marriage.  Sure he is a nice guy, loving bla,bla,bla... he's nice cause he is stoned and doesn't have a care in the world.  You are doing everything for him, so what does he have to worry about, he has it great!..what a life he has...your miserable and he is content. The worse thing you can do is stay in a marriage when you are that unhappy.  What is the sense of that?  Let him be nice with someone else, cause thats all he has going for him.  What else does he contribute..from what you have said,nothing!

 

You have the right to be happy, you have reached your limit and you are reaching out for someone else to fill the voids that are in your marriage.  You should at least cut the ties with your husband before you get in too deep with the friend your talking to on FB.  Right now your just talking, but your so unhappy its bound to go to a different level and that isn't fair to your stoner husband.  He might be out of it and in happy, happy land, but he deserves to know that you can't live with his behaviour any more.  Its not fair to you either, to have to continue to force yourself to work at this marriage and not have him do the same. 

 

 Surely you don't want to continue on this journey with your husband knowing what the path is always going to be like?  He isn't going to change because he likes his life, you can't change him or his behaviour.  You can only change yourself and your path in life and I hope that you read what you have written and see your life the way I do.  There is no reason to stay with a man who is so disengaged with life and your marriage.  You deserve to be happy, you deserve to have what you want out of life.  Even nice, loving men get divorced when they don't contibute to the relationship the way that it needs to be, to be nurtured and grow together.

Good luck ~Red

 
June 1, 2009, 6:55 pm CDT

Cheated On

Quote From: redneon

Wow, well first I have to say that I went thru pretty much the same thing as you with my 2nd ex.  He like his dope, and well he lost all ambition to enjoy life.  Life to him was making sure that he had dope, had a place to smoke dope and then just sat there enjoying his high.  The thing is, life made me high.  I like yourself want to experience life, not watch it float by me. I too hated that I had to do everything... what is a marriage if you are there by yourself,.. I mean he isn't contributing to it... so your right, you could be happier alone and without the hassel of looking at him sit there veg'd out all the time.  Dope is addicting, and it makes people not care... thats where your husband is right now.  He doesn't care.  He is not taking an active role in your marriage,or your life together either.

 

I don't think your awful, I think you are just a person who has had enough.  You have lived this way for the past 8 years and you don't want to live this way any longer.  I don't blame you one little bit.  How boring!  You asked if you have a committment problem... I don't think, I just think that 8 years of crap is your breaking point. And you've reached that!

 

Just because everyone loves your husband doesn't mean you have to stay with someone you don't want to be with anymore.  I want you to read your own post here and then ask yourself what you would tell your girlfriend with this problem, if they should really stay in this horrible marriage.  Sure he is a nice guy, loving bla,bla,bla... he's nice cause he is stoned and doesn't have a care in the world.  You are doing everything for him, so what does he have to worry about, he has it great!..what a life he has...your miserable and he is content. The worse thing you can do is stay in a marriage when you are that unhappy.  What is the sense of that?  Let him be nice with someone else, cause thats all he has going for him.  What else does he contribute..from what you have said,nothing!

 

You have the right to be happy, you have reached your limit and you are reaching out for someone else to fill the voids that are in your marriage.  You should at least cut the ties with your husband before you get in too deep with the friend your talking to on FB.  Right now your just talking, but your so unhappy its bound to go to a different level and that isn't fair to your stoner husband.  He might be out of it and in happy, happy land, but he deserves to know that you can't live with his behaviour any more.  Its not fair to you either, to have to continue to force yourself to work at this marriage and not have him do the same. 

 

 Surely you don't want to continue on this journey with your husband knowing what the path is always going to be like?  He isn't going to change because he likes his life, you can't change him or his behaviour.  You can only change yourself and your path in life and I hope that you read what you have written and see your life the way I do.  There is no reason to stay with a man who is so disengaged with life and your marriage.  You deserve to be happy, you deserve to have what you want out of life.  Even nice, loving men get divorced when they don't contibute to the relationship the way that it needs to be, to be nurtured and grow together.

Good luck Red

Thanks Red...I appreciate your input.
 
June 14, 2009, 8:36 am CDT

He did it again

Well, I guess I am here to vent and figure out what the best course of action is to protect my child.  My husband and I have been together almost 20 years.  We recently got married.  We have a beautiful, healthy, happy, well adjusted 4 year old.  Long story short, he cheated on me again.  Several years ago he moved out with his then girlfriend.  We weren't married at that time and didn't have any children.  He was still a major part of my life because I let him be.  He kept me on a string.  He made me promises that we would live happily ever after.  I put my life on hold waiting for him to make good on those promises.  Then we got married.  Now, he has a new "friend".  They text constantly, call each other, and I have even found her at her house on occasion.  Now, let me have it.  Brutal honesty.  My family doesn't know and neither does his.  He said that there isn't anything to know because they are just friends.  I know better.  I don't want my child to get hurt.  I want to be there for my child.  I can't imagine my child ever having a step mom.  I want to be the only mom in my child's life.  Please help.  I am so hurt. 
 
June 17, 2009, 4:00 pm CDT

Did My Husband Cheat?

THIS IS LONG!  Please read, I need help.

I have been married for almost 4 years. Our relationship used to be full of passion and close friendship. Since 2007, I have been pregnant: one pregnancy ended at five months, one went to full term, and now I’m currently pregnant. The last pregnancy I was on bed rest for most of it and now I’m on bed rest again. There is not much sexual activity, he works about 12-14 hours a day, comes home to take care of me and the baby. He’s stressed out about everything. The car broke down a month ago, which added to the stress and he didn’t want to jeopardize his job. I thought he was catching the bus early in the mornings and riding back with a male co-worker. Catching the bus was not easy, he had to get up very early and his legs weren’t in the best shape. I was proud of him, doing what he could no matter how hard it was.

This went on for a month, the job and home stress was evident on his face each day. I had my own stress due to strict bed rest and trying to take care of a baby (my family had to step in most of the time until he came home). We seem to be in two different worlds; his world was the corporate one and mine was stay-at-home mom. I tried to encourage him when I could, but needed it for myself. I’m a productive and creative person and this hasn’t been easy but worth it to have my children. My appearance changed a lot due to pregnancy (I had just got my figure back when I found out I was pregnant again). He stood by my side during the last pregnancy and we ended up with an angel. Now the journey begins again, no sex, no passion except for kissing and hugging, basically we are out of touch with the fun side of what we used to be.

WHAT HAPPENED: One Sunday evening, I happened to check his phone (I got a weird feeling when he left it on the couch). I discovered text messages to another woman (needing a ride in the morning and afternoon, calling her babe, and saying he wish she was in the shower with him and wanting more of her…and her food) I allowed this to go on for three days to get enough evidence to make sure I wasn’t seeing things. He even called her….all this while he was at home with me or at the job. The times he would text or call her fell in line with his work schedule. He mainly communicated with her before and after work. It appeared he needed a ride and constantly asked if she was coming to get him, “Is my babe coming to get me.”

Needless to say, this broke my heart but I couldn’t get too upset or I would end up in the hospital. My pregnancy is high-risk. When I confronted him (not overexcited) he said he was USING her for a ride. He’s had so much on his mind and didn’t want to loose his job (he’s the only one working). He knew she liked him and played on that to get to work. He had so much to handle (bills, the job (he’s a manager), my pregnancy and a baby) and that was the best solution at the moment. He said he never kissed, hugged, had sex with her it was just a ride back and forth. She did ask him if he wanted to hook up and he told her he was married. When I stated that I may leave, he burst into tears and begged me not to.

THE QUESTION: Did he cheat? (Even though he said he used her and the words in the text didn’t mean anything). It meant something to her, I believe…why would she continue to pick him up at 7am every morning? What should I do? I plan on staying with him (for now), but can I truly trust his story and trust him in the future? Why text those words to her…they should be meant for me alone. Why hide the phone or lie about the transportation? He didn’t show her that he was happy in his marriage by texting those words…she had hope.

*I later found out he posted an ad on a sex site wanting a discrete relationship. He admitted that he was married but there was something missing.  He described his likes and body.  He posted this on V-Day and before he took rides from the other woman


Thanks in advance!

 
June 18, 2009, 7:45 pm CDT

To - stayingtrue

I'm sorry your going thru this right now, your under alot of stress.. so is your husband.  I would wager a bet that he has cheated especially since he has posted on a sex site looking for a sexual encounter and is having close contact every day with this girl he is texting and calling.  He has stepped waaayyyy over the boundary lines here.

 

He is feeling neglected, because in fact he is.  He isn't getting any intimacy from you because you are pregnant, again so soon.  If men don't get sex of any kind, at home, they will and do get it elsewhere.  I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you know all this or you wouldn't have these feelings and you wouldn't have posted on this site.  You know the answer to your question already, he has cheated, he has gone looking for sex, and he lied about how he was getting to and from work.

 

If he had nothing to hide, he wouldn't be hiding things from you.  Your marriage is in trouble with a capital T.  Men have sex for the physical gratification of it, they think about sex every 52 seconds of every day.  Women have sex for totally different reasons, mainly for love.  Love doesn't come into the equation with men, they can have sex and not love the person or have any real feelings for the person at all.  Its physical, its the way they are wired.

 

You have neglected your husband and your marriage.  You put your focus on having children and not on your relationship.  Maybe a good method of birth control would of been an idea after the miscarriage.  It would of given you time to heal and it would of let you and him have time together before entering into another pregnancy.  Marriage takes work even when you have babies.  It means making time for the two of you together as a couple, the same way as you did before you had babies.  He went looking for what he wasn't getting at home, sex , attention and feeling important. 

 

The focus is on you, your difficult pregnancies, the new baby and now another one on the way.  He feels like he is out of the picture, like he is nothing.. unimportant ... working his ass off to pay the bills...He is being, well a male who wants sex and wants it NOW.  He wants the attention, the affection, the sex.. he doesn't want to be looking after a baby and you when he gets off work.  He is stressed out.  I'm not saying he isn't trying, or he isn't a good husband... he might well be.  But he has stepped outside your marriage looking for a connection that he is no longer getting from you and your marriage.  I'm not excusing his behavior, he had no right to go outside your marriage.. he should of talked to you about how he was feeling, how he need sex and how you could of pleased him even without having direct intercourse.

 

Of course he got upset when you said you might leave him.  He got caught, he thought he could have his fun and keep his relationship intact... now he sees it all falling in around him.  Its so typical... Don't think that he doesn't love you, he probably does.. don't go thinking that he isn't sorry,,,he probably is, he is also sorry he got caught.  the sex he is getting outside your marriage has nothing to do with love and everything to do with sex.  There are very, very few men who will go days, weeks, or for that matter months without sex.  Its not in their nature.  You have to realize this and understand this. You need to be making an effort to have sex of some kind with him.

 

If you want your marriage to work, then go for counseling.  If you just want to stay until you deliver then thats your decision also.  Will you ever be able to trust him again.. probably not.  He will have to be transparent,by that I mean, if he says he is going somewhere, he better be there if you call and check.  If his phone rings he better not be trying to hide it, or wipe out his call history.  He has to get, just how much this betrayal has hurt you and hurt your marriage.  If he doesn't get it, if he gets defensive at your questions etc.. then he doesn't get how much pain he has caused you.

 

Can you stay with someone who cheats,,, only you can answer that question.  I can tell you its very hard to do and in the end might not be worth the struggle to get thru it all in the end.  If he is willing to be open and go for help then you might want to try to stay together.  But if you don't make him a priority then it will happen again and again, no matter who you are with.  You can't be in "mommy" mode 24/7, you are also a wife, you need to act like a wife to your husband.

 

Will you be angry with him for a while... you bet your bottom dollar you will.  Will you cry at the sight of him some days... you bet.. Will you hate him at times... yep.  Its a process, but its your life, your husbands life and your kids life... you have to figure out if its worth keeping or not, everyone handles cheating differently. No one here can tell you what you have to do.  We can tell you how you might feel, how much it hurts and why it happened.. but only you can decide what to do.  The best advice I can give you is once this baby is born consider NOT having any more unless they are well planned out and you have a good plan of action for relieving your husbands sexual needs... there are more "ways" than just intercourse (since that is out of the question right now for you) and you need to be putting those "other" ways into action if you want to stop your husband from straying.

 

If you think he has hooked up with someone off the sex site, or had sex with this person giving him a "ride", then you need to make sure he gets STD testing before having sex with him.  Why put yourself at risk just because he is being a stupid selfish male.

 

Good luck and let us know what happens..~Red

 
First | Prev | 496 | 497 | 498 | 499 | 500 | 501 | 502 | Next | Last