Topic : Cheated On

I have been trying to work this issue out for 11 years.  The first time he cheated and then filed for divorce I was in counseling already (kick me when I'm down).  my therapist told me to NOT take him back, tell him he needed counseling to discover why he chose someone else over working on our issues to make the marriage better, during this time of seperation NOT to have sex with him (even tho he'll claim he'll go somewhere else to meet the needs you don't), and let him prove from a distance that he wants the marriage.  

  

I didn't have the guts to do this, was too afraid he wouldn't come back for good, too afraid to be a single mom again, afraid of financial problems, etc. etc.   If I would have stood my ground, it would have instilled the fear he needed that he can't play around and get me back OR I would have been freed of the continuous pain for 11 more years.  He has continued to cheat in various ways that he doesn't count as cheating; cybersex, internet porn, porn shops, hiding those movies in our house, massage parlors, going out to lunch with women, flirting at work, the list is too long.  I have now gotten the guts to leave and God gave me money so I don't have to work and can continue to homeschool and heal. 

Well I told him yesterday that he was free to do what ever he wanted. I was tried of the headaches and all the lies. Of course he still says he's not doing anything. He now put is phone lock on the cell phone, which does him no good becuase it is in my name and I get the bill. We are taking time from eachother, but still are living together. He doesn't have anywhere to go or a car becuase I keep the car. So for my to get the things I need for the boys etc. I have agreed to let him stay in the house, but that is far as it goes. I'm going to look for a job so if it doesn't work this way I can boot him all the way out. He came home from work this morning and cried himself to sleep becuase I wouldn't back down and stay in bed with him. He asked how he was suppose to show he cares if he can't hold me or anything. I told him I loved him and all, but till he makes up his mind and gets his head on straight nothing will going on between us expect for the daily hi annd goodbye. And maybe we could do things together with the kids, but we are offically on hold. That is were we stand at the moment.

Hey that sounds like you have a great plan! I think you are doing the right thing. Since you are not working, the best thing you could do, is go find a job and become completely self efficient. I would normally say you are being too easy on him, but since he is the only income coming in, and the way he has treated you, that should be a good thing.  

 

Get your life in order,  get a savings account, or something in your name only,  and work towards being independent. Once you arrive at that point, then renegotiate everything with him, and if you are not satisfied at that point, kick him to the curb! 

 

In those weak moments, I would use protection if you decide to have sexual intercourse with him, as  with HIV?STD's I would not take a chance if I were you. You have a lot to be proud of, coming up with this plan, don't allow yourself, or anyone else to change your plans. Good luck, and please keep us posted, as I am sure what you are doing, will encourage others that have not had the courage to do what you are doing. 

 Hi I am new here.  I am a 34 year old mother of three wonderful children.  I have been married for 10 years and am currently going thru a real hard time with depression and my relationship.  My husband has been having an emotional affair with a 16 year old girl (he is 32 years old).  Anyway the mother of the 16 year old called me and the whole thing is out in the open and my husband can not see or talk to her.  We have been working on our relationship.  I am so confused and sad and lost at this time though.  He honestly feels that he is or was in love with this girl and that they had a true conncection that she possibly was the one for him.  I love my husband but I am so hurt.  He claims that our relationship has been bad for a long time, and that I never accepted him or loved him 100%.  So I guess in a way he is saying that I pushed him away.  Anyway have ideas or advice on how to deal with this kind of situation.  Or just words or wisdom to help.  Thanks for listening.

A relationship takes 2 people each giving 100% to make it work.  If he felt that you didn't accept him 100% or love him 100% then he should have taken the initiative to talk to YOU about this and communicate his feelings to YOU regarding this and not a 16 year old girl.  How were you to know this is how he felt if he didn't tell you?  How were you to know that there was a problem that needed to be worked out if he didn't bring it to your attention?  So don't let him make you feel like you pushed him away.  If he felt this way he had a choice to talk to you about it and instead his choice was to have an emotional affair with a minor who is half his age. 

  

If you really want to work this out, it is going to take some real counseling to help the two of you get through this.  Your situation is too big and too complex for the two of you to deal with alone.  Friends and family are too emotionally involved to give you an unbiased opinion.   

  

I hope all works out for you and I wish you the best. 

You probably are not going to like what I have to say, but here it is. I think first thing you may want to consider is that your husband may be a pedophile. It is not normal for a grown man to be infatuated with a 16 year old. I think he needs counseling NO MATTER WHAT ELSE HAPPENS.   

   

No wonder you are having problems with  depression. You have every right to be depressed. It sounds like your husband is attempting to place the blame on anything other than himself. If he felt like you were not  giving him what he needed, it was up to him to let you know, not take it to a child. This sounds like a serious ordeal you are having to deal with, and if you are not in some type of therapy, you need to get there.   

   

By him not accepting blame, means he probably doesn't see any wrong he has done in doing what he has done, and I would wager what he has done is close to illegal, much less breaking his vow to you. The two of you need to get into some sort of  counseling, by your selves, as well as together. Again, like the good doctor says, you can't change what you don't acknowledge, and it doesn't sound like your husband is acknowledging any wrong doing. I think there is danger of him repeating his behavior, without acknowledging wrong doing, as well as intervention.   

   

Right now you need to focus on you, and getting your self back into harmony with your world. With your husband acting the way he has been acting, your children need a sound and reasonable parent, and it will be tough to be that anchor for them, with having to fight depression. I don't know if you have talked to your doctor about your depression, but you need to if you have not. There are lots of great medications out there to help in this area. I am a Vietnam veteran, and when 9-11 happened I had to go on Paxil, an antidepressant, for about six months as I had felt I had already dealt with my hell, and at my age I didn't think I would ever have to deal with such tragedies again. I was so thankful for the medication, and I had no shame in taking it.  

   

Some people have to be on medication for depression the rest of their lives, and I look at it as no different than a diabetic needing their insulin. I am not a trained professional, and whether you take my advice is totally a choice, but what I feel you need to do is this: Get into therapy, and if hubby doesn't think he needs to get into therapy, ditch him before you wind up losing everything paying his legal bills as well as a civil lawsuit from the next 16 year old. Talk to your family doctor about how he/she feels about you taking some sort of anti depression meds for at least the time being. Focus on you and your children, they are what truly matters, husbands are a dime a dozen, and I bet you could get two dozen like yours.  

   

What happened to you and your family is not your fault, and  you own nothing of your husband's behavior.  It was his choice, not yours. Blaming you for his behavior without him attempting to talk things out with you is just as insane as him turning to a 16 year old . This is something he needs to own up to, not you.  

   

These boards are a wealth of information, and a great place to be able to have a support group. Other boards you may want to read are the "Cheated On" and Infidelity boards. I hope this has helped. Good luck, and keep us posted as to how you are doing, as well as how things are improving in your life. I will have a good thought for you, for what it's worth.   

   

  Let's see, well, I am 23 years old, married for three years to a man I thought loved me. We were going through a rough patch recently, while I was pregnant with our second child, due to both of our faults. I had what I guess was an epiphany and realized there were a lot of things I wasn't doing as a wife that I should be, so I tried to correct the problem. He, on the other hand, apparently decided the solution was to cheat on me. When I was 9 months pregnant he left me and our son for a 19 year old "exotic dancer", moved in with her and stopped coming to see our son. When I went into labor I called him, but ended up driving myself to the hospital and waiting for him for three hours. He finally showed up, with a date!  Yes, he brought his new "girlfriend" with him, so I kicked him out of the delivery room. He has since quit his job, so I have no income coming in at all, and he has seen both of our boys one time, for an hour. I can't begin to wrap my brain around what happened to this man, whom I still, unfortunately, love deeply and miss every night when I go to bed. How do I get over this, and what do I tell my kids when they're big enough to ask me what happened to their daddy?

Your story sounds so much like what happened to me and my first husband. Look, stop beating yourself up about this. Nobody really teaches us how to be married before we take the plunge. You may have contributed, but he certainly didn't try to work out the problems with you did he? You have to stop going over what happened and agonizing about why it happened, because it did, and now you have to do something quick or risk losing your kids if you have no income coming in and no place to stay. If you own a house together, you could lose it also. You don't mention how long ago you had the baby, if you're going through any kind of post partum depression, get help now. Don't try to persevere or anything, the hormonal change and what is happening can make you crazy, I know. Do you have anyone you can move in with that can help you out for awhile until you decide what to do? Again, I don't know if your baby is old enough for you to go to work, if you have to, but you need to start preparing yourself for that eventuality.
Some men just don't get it, that's all I can say about your husband's behavior. But if he's being this callous, the picture looks grim. I had to realize quickly that my marriage was down the tubes, he refused counseling or any attempt to work things out. I quickly got a quit claim deed to take his name off the house because I found out he was planning to run out of state with his home-wrecking girlfriend. Then I got a lawyer pronto. I was not going to be stuck in limbo with his name on everything and owing his bills, and him nowhere to be found. Also I needed legal leverage so the courts could go after him for childsupport if he was going to run.
You need to wake up fast though, things never get better by themselves. My heartfelt best wishes to you.

 When he was old enough, and asking questions, I told him the truth. I said that his daddy decided he didn't want to be a husband and father, and ran away like a coward. I never embellished, or said anything about the girlfriend though, as she was just his excuse to run.

First and foremost you need to see a lawyer, or your local DFCS, or Department of Family and Children's Services. If your husband has quit his job, he needs to be sitting in jail, until he realizes that children are not something you can have, and decide to give up on. He should at least support them financially, even if he doesn't give them time. 

  

As far as telling the children what happened to their father, much later when they are old enough to deal with it should be very short and sweet. The affair with the dancer is between you and him, not the children. You will not be serving your children's interest by telling them the gory details of his action. Yes, you could tell them your divorce, if it goes that far, is due to his affair, but I would leave it at that, and when I am talking about when they are old enough, I mean at least late teens. If his actions don't change as far as seeing the children, they should get that information from him, not you. You can only surmise as to why he did what he did, and don't allow him to get away with having to face his children and  explain himself, to why he was a deadbeat dad, and why he chose to leave you for an exotic dancer while you were pregnant. 

  

As far as getting over it, time heals most wounds, and this too will pass. IT will take time, and your love will fade, once you come to the realization that this man, you profess to love has abandoned you, as well as his children, and not considering how they eat, if they have warmth in the winter or cool in the summer. This man is not worth your love, and you will slowly realize that any man/woman that can abandon their children, with no consideration to their welfare, is not worth the sweat of your brow, much less love. 

  

I hope this helps, good luck, and keep us posted.