Message Boards

Topic : Cheated On

Number of Replies: 5029
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:01:22 pm
Author : dataimport
If your partner's been unfaithful, find support here. General talk and debate about infidelity can be found in our Infidelity discussion.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

August 30, 2005, 8:57 pm CDT

tbrat11604

Quote From: tbrat11604

Well..I will try to get to the bottom quickly....my husband and I have been separated for several months now(my idea)..in that course of time he began to see another woman and then we both realized how much we love each other and are going to marriage counseling to make things work...while he says he cares for her ,he doesn;t love her but me..he is not the running around,cheating type..really,he is a genuine person who would not have even done it had I not wanted to separate..now here is the catch..the other woman is pregnant and she swears it is his..he is gonna have a DNA test done when it comes and will be a wonderful father if it is his...both emotionaly and financially......how in the world do we make it through this..she has made him feel so guilty for "leaving her with two other childre(not his) and no job(which she quit when they started dating)..she never talks about wanting him cause she loves him or even because of the baby..it is always....monetary things...like she jsut wants a meal ticket..she says she can't get a job pregnant..I see pregnant people working all the time..i did it!!  I have told him he cannot be responsible for her whole life because she is pregnant..only for his child..she would have to provide for herslef if he hadn't come along right?? any advice to get through this would be great!! there is also the fact that months ago she told him she absolutely did not want another child until she was in a settled relationship,,,,and I knwo it is up to both parties for birth control but if it were my body and I really didn't want a baby ,I would go the extra mile to protect myself..but she did nothing and neither did he cause he was never able to get any body else pregnant before(tried with first wife 7 years and she didn't get pregnant til they divorce and she married someone else and then the same thing with a long term girlfriend)..anyways..then she pops up pregnant.......I want to believe that we can make it through this..we truly love each other and this is killing us both..more him than me...please help......
This woman is making him feel guilty about "her" other two kids and the fact that "she" quit her job while dating?  If he is falling for this one I have a bridge for sale.    Permanent employment may not be on "mommy's" horizon, but temporary work sure should be.  Pregnancy is not a disability.  Can she not get prenatal care via assistance sources?  They might make hubby repay them if the child is his, but I could save up for that.   There are so many trails this situation can go down.  You need counseling, now and long-term.  I also suggest a legal consult.  Hubby's responsibilities and access to DNA testing could vary according to state.  YOU need to know exactly what can happen to YOU financially for the next 18-22 years if this baby is his.  Not trying to help him evade his responsibilities, but do not get so wrapped up in the baby and hubby that you forget about you.    I agree that birth control is a two-person job, but do think that the body that has the baby should be more motivated.  However, she WAS sleeping with a married man and evidently considered that a stable enough relationship to get pregnant.  Go figure.   You both need to visit your family doctor and test for AIDS/STDs.  Get his results in writing or directly from doctor.  Repeat tests in six months.  Condom in place every time until second test is clear.   I also suggest you protect yourself financially.  Do you have bank accounts/credit card in your name only?  Half of all joint assets are yours.  I do not see why they cannot sit in your account as well as his.  YOUR check goes into YOUR account.  Also have full knowledge/control of joint finances-he may have spent more on her than you know.   
 
August 30, 2005, 10:03 pm CDT

zavcam

Quote From: zavcam

I went on a trip to New York for my grandfather's 60th birthday. When I returned home I asked my husaband if he had cheated on me due to my gut feeling. He told me nothing physically has happened but that he has feelings for this other woman. Now he did tell me that he past the chance to work with her because he couldn't trust himself, but in the same breath asks me to trust him. Now her long term partner and I are both aware of the situation. They continue to say they are just friends, but they talk to eachother secertly and try to get rid of all evidence. I've asked him to stop talking to her, but he won't. I really not to sure what to do. I thought about tell him he needs to go for awhile, but I don't know how to explain that to my 5 and 3 year old???? Any advice
Generally if you have to ask the question, you know the answer.  Always listen to that gut feeling.  Generally it has been nagging at you for some time and did not just appear during your trip.  Intensify maybe, but not just appear out of nowhere.   Most of us find out the "nothing has happened" line is a lie.  And the lies are more damaging than anything else.  If he cannot "trust" himself around her and "has feellings" for her they need to cut ALL contact NOW!  He knows this is NOT about you picking his friends, and is not anything he should have to "think" about.    All this "secret" stuff is providing a high for them both.  You do not "ask" him to cut contact-you demand it.  As Dr Phil says 100% in or 100% out.  Why are you and her partner so willing to take the leftovers?  Both of you having hissy fits might curtail this thing.  Just sitting back and taking it will only encourage them.   OF COURSE, he does not want to separate-but if you insist he will.  Everyone who believes this stand on their head.  Please, note I am still upright.  And do not be fooled by his tears.   Sex is not the answer.  His actions will show his intentions more accurately than anything. He has to be an open book for as long as you need him to be.  That means cell phone, too. This is gonna be tough.  Why not let him explain things to the kids when he leaves?  With you in the room, of course.  Why should you do the dirty work?   Kudos for the job hunt.  Protect yourself financially.  Get a consult from a divorce lawyer so you know your rights.  You need your own bank accounts/credit card.  Half of all joint funds are yours.  They can sit in your account as easily as his.  Talk to lawyer about this.  He is spending money on this hoochie that you do not know about, (cell minutes at minimum).   
 
August 30, 2005, 10:54 pm CDT

loulou

Quote From: loulou

 Hi I am new here.  I am a 34 year old mother of three wonderful children.  I have been married for 10 years and am currently going thru a real hard time with depression and my relationship.  My husband has been having an emotional affair with a 16 year old girl (he is 32 years old).  Anyway the mother of the 16 year old called me and the whole thing is out in the open and my husband can not see or talk to her.  We have been working on our relationship.  I am so confused and sad and lost at this time though.  He honestly feels that he is or was in love with this girl and that they had a true conncection that she possibly was the one for him.  I love my husband but I am so hurt.  He claims that our relationship has been bad for a long time, and that I never accepted him or loved him 100%.  So I guess in a way he is saying that I pushed him away.  Anyway have ideas or advice on how to deal with this kind of situation.  Or just words or wisdom to help.  Thanks for listening.

  

I hope you have been to your doctor and are being treated for depression.  There is no shame in this, esp given your circumstance.  Counseling may help you with decision making even if the marriage does not continue.  Those kids are depending on you. 

  

ANYONE who tries to blame their spouse for THEIR cheating is an idiot.  And to think a 16 year old (half their age) is THE ONE is stupid beyond belief. 

  

You need to think long and hard about continuing this marriage.  You are going to be humiliated in the community and your children may be in danger from a dad that is probably a pedophile.  Please have them evaluated for abuse. 

  

IF your marriage is bad, cheating (emotionally or otherwise) will not fix it.  He owes you the respect  of getting a divorce before cheating.  But, it does not sound like he is that mature.  And how does HE know whether you loved/accepted him 100% or not?  Is he now psychic? 

  

In my state 16 is the age of consent.  Stupid in my opinion.  If the same for your state,  he probably cannot be prosecuted for statuatory rape.  However, her parents/state can probably bring a child abuse criminal action or even a civil suit of some sort.   

  

I suggest you also visit the abuse and depression boards here on Dr. Phil. 

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

 
September 1, 2005, 1:15 pm CDT

not so sure

Hello, I'm new with all of this. I am not married but have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. Over a year ago he emotionally cheated on me. We have tried to work through things since and it's getting better. I still have little trust though. He hasn't done anything since and has done everything to try to prove that he hasn't and that he wont again. I just can't seem to get the burning untrusting feeling out of me. Now, my main problem is he's going back to school and it's freaking me out. He hasn't been in a situation that sticks him with girls like this since the whole cheating happened. I just don't know how to feel. I'm going through so many emotions and just don't know what to do. Any thoughts or suggestions?
 
September 1, 2005, 4:40 pm CDT

My advice is grow up!

Quote From: mjnme186

Hello, I'm new with all of this. I am not married but have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. Over a year ago he emotionally cheated on me. We have tried to work through things since and it's getting better. I still have little trust though. He hasn't done anything since and has done everything to try to prove that he hasn't and that he wont again. I just can't seem to get the burning untrusting feeling out of me. Now, my main problem is he's going back to school and it's freaking me out. He hasn't been in a situation that sticks him with girls like this since the whole cheating happened. I just don't know how to feel. I'm going through so many emotions and just don't know what to do. Any thoughts or suggestions?

My advice is grow up! He emotionally cheated on you? Come on lady, there are people on here with real problems. I think you are not wanting to get over this, as you can continue to keep him jumping through hoops unless you move on.  

  

I have no clue what in the world you mean by "emotionally cheated" but if you are meaning he flirted, and thought about cheating, then be thankful he didn't, and if you can't get over it, then let this poor man go, instead of keeping such a small infraction festering like a raisin in the sun.  

  

I am sure you are going to think this is harsh, but think about it. There are people on here whose husbands have been caught with prostitutes, wives that have given their husbands herpes, and women catching their spouses with 16 year old girls, and your boyfriend cheated emotionally? Stop and put everything in prospective, and if you can't get over it, then again, let the poor man go, and live in peace.  

  

I hope this helps. Good luck  

 
September 1, 2005, 6:28 pm CDT

sorry

Quote From: juballl

My advice is grow up! He emotionally cheated on you? Come on lady, there are people on here with real problems. I think you are not wanting to get over this, as you can continue to keep him jumping through hoops unless you move on.  

  

I have no clue what in the world you mean by "emotionally cheated" but if you are meaning he flirted, and thought about cheating, then be thankful he didn't, and if you can't get over it, then let this poor man go, instead of keeping such a small infraction festering like a raisin in the sun.  

  

I am sure you are going to think this is harsh, but think about it. There are people on here whose husbands have been caught with prostitutes, wives that have given their husbands herpes, and women catching their spouses with 16 year old girls, and your boyfriend cheated emotionally? Stop and put everything in prospective, and if you can't get over it, then again, let the poor man go, and live in peace.  

  

I hope this helps. Good luck  

Ok, sorry i do see how that isn't as big as some on this. What I meant by emotionally was he did everything but got physical with her. I know it does sound childish. That's why I was looking for suggestions. I don't want to feel upset about it anymore since I know it could have been worse. Again sorry for wasting the space but I just needed to express my feelings. Because they still are bad feelings and I want to get over it.
 
September 1, 2005, 8:39 pm CDT

No! Don't apologize, you are right to have feelings...

Quote From: mjnme186

Ok, sorry i do see how that isn't as big as some on this. What I meant by emotionally was he did everything but got physical with her. I know it does sound childish. That's why I was looking for suggestions. I don't want to feel upset about it anymore since I know it could have been worse. Again sorry for wasting the space but I just needed to express my feelings. Because they still are bad feelings and I want to get over it.

No! Don't apologize, you are right to have feelings, but I just wanted you to put it all in perspective. Yes, you have a right to hurt, but what you need to do, is let go, realize that you can't make someone be faithful, and if you can't trust him, then don't stay with him. 

 

Don't allow me, or anyone else make you feel the need to apologize for venting. I was just trying to get you to realize that it could have been worse, and not letting go of it can sometimes be a way of punishing the offending party.  

 

The main thing is to keep the doors of communications open, and let him know up front how you feel, and get him to open up and tell you how he feels as well. Don't make him feel guilty for expressing his feelings. Jealousy can destroy any relationship, and always makes the jealous one feel as bad as the one he/she is torturing with his/her jealousy. 

 

Again, good luck, and keep us posted 

 
September 2, 2005, 5:08 pm CDT

I am not sure what to do.

This is the first time I have done this, but I feel I really am in need of some help...or at least unbiased opionions of what others might do.  I have been married for five years, but with my husband for 8 years. It has been far from a perfect marriage, but whose is?  We have two boys.  Our second boy is just 6 weeks old.  During my first pregnancy my husband cheated on me.  I was away for the weekend and when I walked into my home and saw him (not them, just him) I knew that something had happened, but no one knew/saw anything.  That was in October that the event occured, in April he told me that he slept with someone, but told me only half truths.  My best friend had seen a girl who bragged to have slept with a married man and she said my husbands name; not knowing that my best friend knew who she was talking about.  My friend didn't tell me about this until I told her about what he admitted to me 6 months (suposedly) after the fact.    

   

Now, I am getting that feeling again - but I have no idea what to do about it.  He fits 6 out of 8 of the points given that would identify this sort of situation, but is that enough?  I need to know - the truth.  When I say anything to him - he gets defensive!!!  What should I do?  Not knowing the truth I think is as damaging as knowing, because I just think that he is and is always lying to me.  He works nights, so that is not easy to figure, but I think that it maybe someone that he works with - so they don't need alot of other time.  He always has to go somewhere to do something.  He goes out with his friends from work frequently and on every other weekend he attends poker games.  During my pregnancy we went several months without sex...and even when I suggested it he did not want to.  That is sooooooooo not like my husband.  I need solid proof - I think that because he did it before and I forgave him, maybe he thinks that doing it again is not a big deal.    

   

Please give me some advise...I feel so lost and lonely.  I just need to know a way to get down to the truth of what is going on.  I know his friends will not telll me a thing.   

 
September 3, 2005, 5:13 am CDT

Cheated On

Quote From: mmacaskill

This is the first time I have done this, but I feel I really am in need of some help...or at least unbiased opionions of what others might do.  I have been married for five years, but with my husband for 8 years. It has been far from a perfect marriage, but whose is?  We have two boys.  Our second boy is just 6 weeks old.  During my first pregnancy my husband cheated on me.  I was away for the weekend and when I walked into my home and saw him (not them, just him) I knew that something had happened, but no one knew/saw anything.  That was in October that the event occured, in April he told me that he slept with someone, but told me only half truths.  My best friend had seen a girl who bragged to have slept with a married man and she said my husbands name; not knowing that my best friend knew who she was talking about.  My friend didn't tell me about this until I told her about what he admitted to me 6 months (suposedly) after the fact.    

   

Now, I am getting that feeling again - but I have no idea what to do about it.  He fits 6 out of 8 of the points given that would identify this sort of situation, but is that enough?  I need to know - the truth.  When I say anything to him - he gets defensive!!!  What should I do?  Not knowing the truth I think is as damaging as knowing, because I just think that he is and is always lying to me.  He works nights, so that is not easy to figure, but I think that it maybe someone that he works with - so they don't need alot of other time.  He always has to go somewhere to do something.  He goes out with his friends from work frequently and on every other weekend he attends poker games.  During my pregnancy we went several months without sex...and even when I suggested it he did not want to.  That is sooooooooo not like my husband.  I need solid proof - I think that because he did it before and I forgave him, maybe he thinks that doing it again is not a big deal.    

   

Please give me some advise...I feel so lost and lonely.  I just need to know a way to get down to the truth of what is going on.  I know his friends will not telll me a thing.   

Go with your gut.  Find out everything you possibly can.  Become SUPER detective.  I realize this is going to be hard with little ones involved but maybe you can find someone to watch them while you watch HIM.  Do have the money to hire a PI?  If so...DO IT!!!  As best that you can (which I can't even always take my own advice) wait till you have something in black and white then confront him.  There should be someway you could stake out these poker games.  Sorry that you have to find yourself here but you will find help.  I also frequent another board called Life Saviors.  They are very helpful too. 

  

((Hang tough)) 

 
September 4, 2005, 9:57 am CDT

So Confused

I am so confused.  I have expressed to my husband that I do not like online porn but he looks at it anyway.  He lies to me about it and I've had enough.  Im 22yrs old, this is my first marriage and I am just so confused b/c in my eyes he's cheating.  I am very emotional and depressed which I know is not good for me right now b/c I am pregnant and Im due in less than 3 weeks.  I am desprate for advice, a view, someone who understands. 
 
First | Prev | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | Next | Last