Message Boards

Topic : Cheated On

Number of Replies: 5030
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:01:22 pm
Author : dataimport
If your partner's been unfaithful, find support here. General talk and debate about infidelity can be found in our Infidelity discussion.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

September 4, 2005, 7:53 pm CDT

What do I do now?

I found out a1 1/2 years ago my husband was having an affair with a client.  I have been to therapy and he is still going, but still having the affair.  Says he has tried to get rid of her, but I said if calling her 2-3 times a day and sleeping with her when ever he has  the chance is trying to get rid of her, I am dumber than I think I am.  Today she had to be helped home from a camping trip where her car broke down and of course he was the only one that could do that for her and her friend.  I told him last night on the phone if he did go to pick her up our marriage was over....I have tried for the last 1 and 1/2 years to keep here for him, but I am so heartsick and heart broke that I can not do this anymore.  He moved out but stays here in a separate bedroom when he is in town (3-4 days a week).  I told him after today he is no longer welcome to stay here-he is still paying the mortgage-now he is trying to throw a guilt trip on me about how he is only helping a person in need and I have things way out of line-He slept with her about a week ago according to him-how do I deal with this?
 
September 6, 2005, 3:16 am CDT

HELP in shock , hurting

betrayed and in shock

I am rather lost and I need help.  I have been involved with a military man in a long distant relationship for 18 months. we have had holidays together , shared so much, have planned a future everything.  I have come over here to see him as we have ben separated for a while only to find out he has been married this whole time.  I feel stupid and betrayed.  hindsight the signs were there I can not even begin to explain the depth of the lies and how well they were delivered.  He told me he had filed separation papers and she was making the divorce difficult hence why i was happy to not be in the middle of it just yet.  well I got sick of it so i decided to come and talk with him to see if the future we had planned was still a priority for him , he said it was.  I needed to be sure the feelings I had somehting was wrong were not just old wounds being defensive etc so I hired a PI he tells me there are no records of any separation papers and he is living in the house still not with his brother has i have been led to believe.  I am from a different country I am now here alone for another two weeks i am scared angry upset and feel he has ripped my soul right from me.  I know I am not strong enough just yet to "discuss " this with him but i will.  I just need to make sure I am solid and angry not out of control,  my heart is still trying to pretend this is not happening but i have to face it.  

I can't describe the feeling of suddenly finding out your number two not number one.  I also want to know if I should tell his wife but i don't want to hurt his son.  HELP PLEASE  

 
September 6, 2005, 11:24 am CDT

Cheated on for a long time.....

Quote From: gmolso2

I found out a1 1/2 years ago my husband was having an affair with a client.  I have been to therapy and he is still going, but still having the affair.  Says he has tried to get rid of her, but I said if calling her 2-3 times a day and sleeping with her when ever he has  the chance is trying to get rid of her, I am dumber than I think I am.  Today she had to be helped home from a camping trip where her car broke down and of course he was the only one that could do that for her and her friend.  I told him last night on the phone if he did go to pick her up our marriage was over....I have tried for the last 1 and 1/2 years to keep here for him, but I am so heartsick and heart broke that I can not do this anymore.  He moved out but stays here in a separate bedroom when he is in town (3-4 days a week).  I told him after today he is no longer welcome to stay here-he is still paying the mortgage-now he is trying to throw a guilt trip on me about how he is only helping a person in need and I have things way out of line-He slept with her about a week ago according to him-how do I deal with this?
Listen...you aren't dumb... you have been trying to hold this relationship together while he is having a relationship with you and his girlfriend... you've been waiting for him to break things off and be true to only you. You have given him plenty of time, you have NOTHING to feel guilty about!! He is feeling guilty but instead of accepting his guilt he needs to reflect that onto you. Don't allow him to do that to you. He's done enough. He is trying to make it sound like he is just a good citizen helping someone in need, but thats just an illusion... he keeps going to her because he CAN. He will do this for as long as you allow him to. I'm glad for you that you have told him he isn't welcome to stay at your home any longer- its time for you to get a back bone! He isn't a hero who is helping a person in need like he is trying to make it sound!! His girlfriend was looking for a reason, any reason, to get him to come to her and being stranded was a great excuse. Please don't back down on this, okay? You have every right to be p*ssed off and upset like this, you can't allow him to make you feel guilty for anything, you have been patiently waiting for him to really break this other relationship off and he hasn't. What does that tell you? That says that he wants it all. Don't stand for that treatment. When you got married it was to be in a monogomous relationship. Stay strong, keep going to therepy, and don't believe a word he says because he is a liar.
 
September 6, 2005, 11:33 am CDT

Cheated On

Quote From: usmcwife

I am so confused.  I have expressed to my husband that I do not like online porn but he looks at it anyway.  He lies to me about it and I've had enough.  Im 22yrs old, this is my first marriage and I am just so confused b/c in my eyes he's cheating.  I am very emotional and depressed which I know is not good for me right now b/c I am pregnant and Im due in less than 3 weeks.  I am desprate for advice, a view, someone who understands. 
I could have written this myself! I have gone through the same thing, and I have a new baby as well. I've been married for four years and am 23. My husband has only looked at online porn and been to a strip club a few times that I have found out about, but he KNOWS that I have never believed that is right within a marraige, and each time he says it's the last. We have separated for a year during my pregnancy, in which time he slept with a coworker, an ex fiancee, and one of my closest friends. Despite all of that, after our child was born, we went to councelling and are now taking steps to live together again. In the past few months, I have found a few pictures on his computer that I classify as porn, and found out he is at a strip club that his brother works at every time they visit each other...and he says that all other women are okay with things like that...the only reason that I'm not is my "insecurities." I can not believe that any other woman finds this acceptable either, and if I AM insecure, it's because of what he does that makes me believe I'm not what he wants...not good enough. Because if I was...he wouldn't have to look elsewhere. I'm not so sure what to do about it all, we are both very young...maybe some of the older married ladies on here have some suggestions for us? Thanks, and believe me, I empathize with you!
 
September 6, 2005, 11:33 am CDT

Married man...

Quote From: fairydust

betrayed and in shock

I am rather lost and I need help.  I have been involved with a military man in a long distant relationship for 18 months. we have had holidays together , shared so much, have planned a future everything.  I have come over here to see him as we have ben separated for a while only to find out he has been married this whole time.  I feel stupid and betrayed.  hindsight the signs were there I can not even begin to explain the depth of the lies and how well they were delivered.  He told me he had filed separation papers and she was making the divorce difficult hence why i was happy to not be in the middle of it just yet.  well I got sick of it so i decided to come and talk with him to see if the future we had planned was still a priority for him , he said it was.  I needed to be sure the feelings I had somehting was wrong were not just old wounds being defensive etc so I hired a PI he tells me there are no records of any separation papers and he is living in the house still not with his brother has i have been led to believe.  I am from a different country I am now here alone for another two weeks i am scared angry upset and feel he has ripped my soul right from me.  I know I am not strong enough just yet to "discuss " this with him but i will.  I just need to make sure I am solid and angry not out of control,  my heart is still trying to pretend this is not happening but i have to face it.  

I can't describe the feeling of suddenly finding out your number two not number one.  I also want to know if I should tell his wife but i don't want to hurt his son.  HELP PLEASE  

Wow you hired a P.I., and even with the info that he gave you, you are still going to give this guy a chance to explain himself? What is there to explain... he will just tell you more stories to get you believe him. I urge you to be strong, you deserve to be in a relationship with a man who treats you with dignity and respect, not a man who lives a double life and tells you lies like this. Think about his wife, she probably doesn't even have a clue what is going on, she and their son are innocent victims. My advice is to not tell the wife, just leave this man and don't look back. I urge you to seek therepy for yourself, because this situation can take a toll on your mental health. You are worth more then what this guy can give you. He has already lied to you and strung you along, don't let him do this any longer.  

Isn't it possible to go home early? Why are you stuck there for two more weeks? For your own well being, I hope that you can go home. I wish you well. 

 
September 6, 2005, 3:46 pm CDT

ticket

Quote From: jenoc99

Wow you hired a P.I., and even with the info that he gave you, you are still going to give this guy a chance to explain himself? What is there to explain... he will just tell you more stories to get you believe him. I urge you to be strong, you deserve to be in a relationship with a man who treats you with dignity and respect, not a man who lives a double life and tells you lies like this. Think about his wife, she probably doesn't even have a clue what is going on, she and their son are innocent victims. My advice is to not tell the wife, just leave this man and don't look back. I urge you to seek therepy for yourself, because this situation can take a toll on your mental health. You are worth more then what this guy can give you. He has already lied to you and strung you along, don't let him do this any longer.  

Isn't it possible to go home early? Why are you stuck there for two more weeks? For your own well being, I hope that you can go home. I wish you well. 

My ticket cannot be changed , i came over from NZ on a special and on the belief i was just being a wee bit paranoid.  my feet have been swept out in front of me. I am fighting to get resolve and not be a victim of this situation. I am at a friends apartment and am alone and feeling ashamed and angry, heart broken.  

  

I am worth more than what he has given me yes , i guess I want him to face me and see the pain he has caused that he cannot play games with peoples lives and not be accountable for the pain it inflcts.  I don't want to tell his wife thats his arena.  I am very mad he is in the military they preach honor and dignity where the hell is it in him.   I have ignored his calls for the last 12 hours and pretended not to be here when he called round today but unless I tell him I know he won;t leave me alone. 

  

I guess facing up to this is hard because it means I did not respect myself to even think soemthing was wrong, i am angry with myself that I am in this position but I am so now I have to change it.  I will change it !!!  thk you for your words I will change the fear shock and shame to strength . i am not the bad person in this.   thank you for replying i feel not so alone. 

  

 
September 6, 2005, 6:04 pm CDT

Confused feelings...

Quote From: usmcwife

I am so confused.  I have expressed to my husband that I do not like online porn but he looks at it anyway.  He lies to me about it and I've had enough.  Im 22yrs old, this is my first marriage and I am just so confused b/c in my eyes he's cheating.  I am very emotional and depressed which I know is not good for me right now b/c I am pregnant and Im due in less than 3 weeks.  I am desprate for advice, a view, someone who understands. 

I don't have a problem with the porn thing as you do, but it is the other areas that I understand.  As I read this I think that it is the lies that is now the bigger problem and second is lack of respect.  If he respects you he would respect how you feel about it.  The second thing is that he lies to you about it.  Lies may are small, but once you catch someone in one then it is so hard to believe in them from that point on.  He needs to understand how you feel and there has to be a mutual agreement.  If one is made that there will be none, or if you decide on a compromise then it should be upheld.  BUT NO LIES... I would think they are worse than the porn. 

 

 
September 6, 2005, 9:47 pm CDT

i know how you feel

Quote From: miliasmom

I could have written this myself! I have gone through the same thing, and I have a new baby as well. I've been married for four years and am 23. My husband has only looked at online porn and been to a strip club a few times that I have found out about, but he KNOWS that I have never believed that is right within a marraige, and each time he says it's the last. We have separated for a year during my pregnancy, in which time he slept with a coworker, an ex fiancee, and one of my closest friends. Despite all of that, after our child was born, we went to councelling and are now taking steps to live together again. In the past few months, I have found a few pictures on his computer that I classify as porn, and found out he is at a strip club that his brother works at every time they visit each other...and he says that all other women are okay with things like that...the only reason that I'm not is my "insecurities." I can not believe that any other woman finds this acceptable either, and if I AM insecure, it's because of what he does that makes me believe I'm not what he wants...not good enough. Because if I was...he wouldn't have to look elsewhere. I'm not so sure what to do about it all, we are both very young...maybe some of the older married ladies on here have some suggestions for us? Thanks, and believe me, I empathize with you!
I know exactly how you feel.  I am 27 and have been married for 8 yrs, together for 10. My husband is in the military and for some unknown reason he likes online porn a little too much for my comfort.  He is currently deployed and I brought up the subject.  Well he knows that I have always hated it, and these days it seems to get worse.  I too think that it is cheating and when I told him that, he said that I have issues.  I was upset because no matter how much I've explained it to him, he still doesn't get it. He doesn't understand that it makes me feel worthless.  He tells me it's just a hobby to pass time.  I finally just told him that we both think differently about that and we will have to agree to disagree.  I hate the online porn and at the same time, I am glad that there's no one else in person. He doesn't chat, he only watches and that is just sickening to me.  So it is not you being insecure (my husband tried to use that line on me too) it's them being addicted to porn. 
 
September 7, 2005, 7:51 am CDT

Cheated On

Its not really the porn thing i have a problem with.  I can handle the magazines and the movies and i can even deal with stripclubs but not internet porn.  I understand that men sometimes not realy need a change but need that extra currculum sex option without there significant other.  But its rthe porn on the internet that just pisses me off and offends me b/c at least in magazines and ligitamit movies you know that the people are of age.  But anybody can post explicit porn pictures on the internet and thats just sick.  All i can think about is some of these girls barely look 12.  I tried to get that through to him b/c we are expecting a baby girl in the next couple of weeks and i know my father would just be a total wreak if he even thought I would let anyone but my husband see me naked but to show the whole world wold kill him.  I know men don't think like women but they have to have some feelings that are negaive about it when it comes to putting there kids into the equation. Not only can anyone post this stuff but you can have personal relationships online too.  I've been through that, with my 4yr olds father, my sister, my brother and my father, they all wound up cheating on the person they were with and they all have lost their spouse b/c of it.   I did however sit down and we had ANOTHER long talk about the porn and most of all about the respect and lieing.  He didn't say he would stop the online porn but when I confronted him about it and the lies he had told me he didn't deny any of it so i figure thats a good start and now maybe we can get through this without counseling or lawyers.  I still feel like I was cheated on and in my book its unforgivable.  As much as I hate to say it I am glad to see that there are more people out there that feel my pain. 

   

    

 
September 7, 2005, 4:46 pm CDT

you took the words right out of my mouth

Quote From: usmcwife

Its not really the porn thing i have a problem with.  I can handle the magazines and the movies and i can even deal with stripclubs but not internet porn.  I understand that men sometimes not realy need a change but need that extra currculum sex option without there significant other.  But its rthe porn on the internet that just pisses me off and offends me b/c at least in magazines and ligitamit movies you know that the people are of age.  But anybody can post explicit porn pictures on the internet and thats just sick.  All i can think about is some of these girls barely look 12.  I tried to get that through to him b/c we are expecting a baby girl in the next couple of weeks and i know my father would just be a total wreak if he even thought I would let anyone but my husband see me naked but to show the whole world wold kill him.  I know men don't think like women but they have to have some feelings that are negaive about it when it comes to putting there kids into the equation. Not only can anyone post this stuff but you can have personal relationships online too.  I've been through that, with my 4yr olds father, my sister, my brother and my father, they all wound up cheating on the person they were with and they all have lost their spouse b/c of it.   I did however sit down and we had ANOTHER long talk about the porn and most of all about the respect and lieing.  He didn't say he would stop the online porn but when I confronted him about it and the lies he had told me he didn't deny any of it so i figure thats a good start and now maybe we can get through this without counseling or lawyers.  I still feel like I was cheated on and in my book its unforgivable.  As much as I hate to say it I am glad to see that there are more people out there that feel my pain. 

   

    

Well, you said it. That is exactly how I feel. I even told my husband that exact same thing about the age thing.  I also don't mind porn movies like from "adam & eve" we have lots of those movies so I know they are legitimate.  The online porn is what I have so much trouble with, I despise it and I wish that there was some way it could be banned, but I guess that would be reaching.  So it does make me sick to think that my husband who is 30 yrs old (im 27) could be looking at girls who may be under age or even if they are 18, that's still too young and I don't like the fact that they can chat with them and get personal.  I just think that there is no room in a marriage for that and I pray that someday my husband will get it through his head that it's not the insecure part of me that comes out, this is the part of me who has morals. He always says that there's nothing to worry about. It's just a hobby to pass time, but I just don't like it.  I told him if he wants to pass time, he can file our paperwork in the house!  We've been together for so long and we are very close so I do hope he can find a better pass time. I do feel your pain also as far as feeling like I have been cheated on.  I always remember what Dr. Phil says about going elsewhere to meet the needs that should be met by your spouse, that is cheating.  When I told my husband that I considered internet porn cheating, he told me that is just crazy, so needless to say he is a stubborn man!
 
First | Prev | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | Next | Last