Topic : Cheated On

I am rather lost and I need help.  I have been involved with a military man in a long distant relationship for 18 months. we have had holidays together , shared so much, have planned a future everything.  I have come over here to see him as we have ben separated for a while only to find out he has been married this whole time.  I feel stupid and betrayed.  hindsight the signs were there I can not even begin to explain the depth of the lies and how well they were delivered.  He told me he had filed separation papers and she was making the divorce difficult hence why i was happy to not be in the middle of it just yet.  well I got sick of it so i decided to come and talk with him to see if the future we had planned was still a priority for him , he said it was.  I needed to be sure the feelings I had somehting was wrong were not just old wounds being defensive etc so I hired a PI he tells me there are no records of any separation papers and he is living in the house still not with his brother has i have been led to believe.  I am from a different country I am now here alone for another two weeks i am scared angry upset and feel he has ripped my soul right from me.  I know I am not strong enough just yet to "discuss " this with him but i will.  I just need to make sure I am solid and angry not out of control,  my heart is still trying to pretend this is not happening but i have to face it.  

I can't describe the feeling of suddenly finding out your number two not number one.  I also want to know if I should tell his wife but i don't want to hurt his son.  HELP PLEASE  

Wow you hired a P.I., and even with the info that he gave you, you are still going to give this guy a chance to explain himself? What is there to explain... he will just tell you more stories to get you believe him. I urge you to be strong, you deserve to be in a relationship with a man who treats you with dignity and respect, not a man who lives a double life and tells you lies like this. Think about his wife, she probably doesn't even have a clue what is going on, she and their son are innocent victims. My advice is to not tell the wife, just leave this man and don't look back. I urge you to seek therepy for yourself, because this situation can take a toll on your mental health. You are worth more then what this guy can give you. He has already lied to you and strung you along, don't let him do this any longer.  

Isn't it possible to go home early? Why are you stuck there for two more weeks? For your own well being, I hope that you can go home. I wish you well. 

My ticket cannot be changed , i came over from NZ on a special and on the belief i was just being a wee bit paranoid.  my feet have been swept out in front of me. I am fighting to get resolve and not be a victim of this situation. I am at a friends apartment and am alone and feeling ashamed and angry, heart broken.  

I am worth more than what he has given me yes , i guess I want him to face me and see the pain he has caused that he cannot play games with peoples lives and not be accountable for the pain it inflcts.  I don't want to tell his wife thats his arena.  I am very mad he is in the military they preach honor and dignity where the hell is it in him.   I have ignored his calls for the last 12 hours and pretended not to be here when he called round today but unless I tell him I know he won;t leave me alone. 

I guess facing up to this is hard because it means I did not respect myself to even think soemthing was wrong, i am angry with myself that I am in this position but I am so now I have to change it.  I will change it !!!  thk you for your words I will change the fear shock and shame to strength . i am not the bad person in this.   thank you for replying i feel not so alone. 

I don't have a problem with the porn thing as you do, but it is the other areas that I understand.  As I read this I think that it is the lies that is now the bigger problem and second is lack of respect.  If he respects you he would respect how you feel about it.  The second thing is that he lies to you about it.  Lies may are small, but once you catch someone in one then it is so hard to believe in them from that point on.  He needs to understand how you feel and there has to be a mutual agreement.  If one is made that there will be none, or if you decide on a compromise then it should be upheld.  BUT NO LIES... I would think they are worse than the porn. 

 

Its not really the porn thing i have a problem with.  I can handle the magazines and the movies and i can even deal with stripclubs but not internet porn.  I understand that men sometimes not realy need a change but need that extra currculum sex option without there significant other.  But its rthe porn on the internet that just pisses me off and offends me b/c at least in magazines and ligitamit movies you know that the people are of age.  But anybody can post explicit porn pictures on the internet and thats just sick.  All i can think about is some of these girls barely look 12.  I tried to get that through to him b/c we are expecting a baby girl in the next couple of weeks and i know my father would just be a total wreak if he even thought I would let anyone but my husband see me naked but to show the whole world wold kill him.  I know men don't think like women but they have to have some feelings that are negaive about it when it comes to putting there kids into the equation. Not only can anyone post this stuff but you can have personal relationships online too.  I've been through that, with my 4yr olds father, my sister, my brother and my father, they all wound up cheating on the person they were with and they all have lost their spouse b/c of it.   I did however sit down and we had ANOTHER long talk about the porn and most of all about the respect and lieing.  He didn't say he would stop the online porn but when I confronted him about it and the lies he had told me he didn't deny any of it so i figure thats a good start and now maybe we can get through this without counseling or lawyers.  I still feel like I was cheated on and in my book its unforgivable.  As much as I hate to say it I am glad to see that there are more people out there that feel my pain.