Topic : Cheated On

I have known my husband for 16yrs and married for 3 years. We have a son of 12 and daughter of 21months. My husband had an affair with another woman and had a daughter who is now 6. Although I have known about the existence of this child from when she was 2 month and had forgave my husband (then boyfriend), this woman and her child are always a thorn in our relationship. One of the conditions for us getting together was that he should cut all conduct with this woman and that I do not want this child in my life, (I didn’t apply to be a step-mother and have no intention of step mothering anyone). 

  

 

A year ago my husband started acting funny and three weeks ago I found out that he has been seeing his ex and child. Furthermore, he was taking her to work every morning and home in the evening. When I approached him he claimed he and this women has no relationship and that he only wanted to be closed to his daughter.  

  

 

I told him to stop his nonsense or my and my children will move out. The main reason I am against any conduct with this women and my husband is she has been harassing me calling me names and even spread rumours about me where I work. She has even threatened my life and that of my children. 

  

 

She is a crazy and manipulative. When my husband chose his family and told her, he will only pay child support, she decided to pitch at our house and told us that my husband will see his daughter whether he like it or not and that if he doesn’t come to her house she will bring her daughter daily to visit his father. 

  

 

We then made restraining order to prevent her from visiting or phoning either me or my husband. Although my husband wants us to work in our marriage he still feels that he has to be part of his daughter’s life. But since his daughter is so young he has to have relationship with the mother and that is no no to me. I will never allow him relationship with this women, I will rather be a divorcee than allow this. But I slightly feel that I am denying his daughter a father, but on the other hand I think I am entitle to my feelings and feel that if he cannot life without relationship with his daughter, then he will have to have no relationship with my children.  

  

 

Other alternative is for him to fight for custody, but I am not sure I am ready to that child. Please help. 

My husband and I have been married for eight years.  Two years ago I was in a car accident.  I have had one back surgery and a second surgery is pending.  During this time, I have suffered so much pain, been on tons of medications for pain and depression, countless doctor visits and procedures.  Needless to say all has had a big impact on our love life.  After becoming suspicious of his behavior when online, I installed a program on the computer which sends a report to me of all activity.  Again this morning I see that he has visited online dating websites.  I have also blocked access to dozens of porn sites that he visited.  Even though my health has been compromised by this accident, I have always been totally devoted and faithful to him throughout our marriage.  I am sickened by his behavior.  If this were him going through health problems, I would NEVER do this to him!!!  I can't work because of my back problems so am trapped!  I am considering leaving him once I get my personal injury settlement and just being single the rest of my life!!!!!!!!  I am tired of the pain, the distrust and heartache.  If given the chance, I know he would cheat on me if he hasn't already.  There is no excuse for this.  Has he forgotten "in sickness and in health" when he married me?  Men can be such pigs.

:( Being cheated on sucks no doubt. However, it goes both ways. Just read this, the infidelity board, and the Other Woman board and you see that there are many women that are "pigs"in the same vein as men. 

  

Also, have you talked to him at all or are you just monitoring him without saying anything? Maybe you need to confront him and see if he is willing to try and make a go of it. 

  

Also, is there no sexual activity at all you are capable of? As a man I can tell you that regardless we men need physical intimacy in order to feel loved and appreciated. I hate that but it is the way we are wired. Sexual intimacy is what seperates a man's relationship with his wife from his relationship from other women in his life, like his mom, sisters, etc. Without that men will start to pull back emotionally. If your condition renders you completely unable to engage in any and all sexual activity, then maybe he just is a jerk that can't empathize. But if you are capable of some and just unwilling then he probably has a lot of pent up bitterness and resentment. 

  

Confront him. Try to get into counseling. Good luck, sorry this happened to you. :( 

I totally understand your concerns and feelings.  But this child is his!  NO matter who the mother is, he is always going to be the father.  HE has a right to be one to this child.  Because the child is young, that doesn't mean he HAS to have constant communication with the WOMAN.  Set days are OK. One day a week and you all (ALL OF YOU) meet in a public place, every time to pick up and drop off the kid.  This child has a right to know her father.  Its not fair that the adults get to choose her life for her......she will have resentment in her for life.  And that is not something you would want to deny your own children, so don't do it to another child.  They are innocent.  Unlike this crazy lady.  But like I said, if for instance, you always have this child on a Friday night - sat night.  Well you all meet up, no words need to be exchanged, at the same time and same place every time.  Pick up and drop off.   This is no way means he HAS to talk to this lady ever!  Unless this child is sick.  But denying this child is not fair.  I know it's not fair to you either.  But she is the innocent child that can't speak for herself.   What a hard situation to be in.  I am sorry! 

Please don't think I'm stupid but  you said that if he is 100% into this marriage, he needs to prove it to me and that I'm the only one that knows how to do that. What do you mean I'm the only one that knows how to do that? He keeps asking me what he can do to make it up, I just don't know what  can be done to fix it or even where to start. Everyone tells me once a cheat always a cheat and I use to believe the same thing, but now I don't know what to think. Can you tell me how to go about getting therapy?

You said, "I feel like I've been cheated out of my whole life", that really is a great description of the devastation I feel.  I feel like all my life before now was completely invalidated.  He made even the good years seem like they didn't mean anything.  I wish the men (or women) who cheat had some idea of the hurt and destruction they are bestowing on their partners.  I hope you find some of the help you need by talking to someone.  At the very least, I would think they will provide you with the tools you need to learn how to deal with all the confusing emotions.  I am holding out hope that counseling is going to help me learn how to get past all this and move on.  I've read several posts from people who have said that counseling has actually helped them have a better marriage, believe it or not.  For right now, I'll be happy if I can get through a day without crying.  Good luck with your appointment.  In the meantime, try to think positive thoughts . . . try not to think those destructive thoughts (I know it is practically impossible).  I am a stay at home mom too and find myself with too much time on my hands.  I'm trying to keep myself really busy . . . cleaning closets, junk drawers, getting under  those sinks.  It does help keep my mind occupied  and now I can actually find things (ha! ha!).  Hope it helps to know your not alone in this.  I know it helps me.  Keep your chin up and have a good day!

My husband is on business trip in Canada.  He left with his female colleague on Sun, Feb 12 and supposed to return the following weekend but his boss wanted them to stay another week.  So here I am alone and lonely altho I have a 8 yr old son with me.  I called him twice a day everyday. 

I am very concern because they spent an awful lot of time together.  I mean, they drove there, go to work together and come back to hotel together AND eat dinner together every damn day!!  Going to work together is fine but dinner every nite together??  I don't understand why can't they do things on their own after working hours??  I told him my concern and told him that that was one of the reason why my first marriage ended... i trusted my ex too much and in the end, he and his female colleague decide to get married!!  I feel like history is repeating itself. 

  

Yesterday, as usual, he told me he came down to the lobby at 5pm to go dinner but she didn't came.  He called her and she said that they'll meet at 8.30pm to have dinner at the hotel's restaurant.  I told him "wny can't u go yourself since u're hungry or order room service??"  He said i'm paranoid and it's only dinner and that I don't trust him.  I told him I do trust him but this is way too much!  He said there's only one vehicle so that's why they go out dinner together.  

  

Is it wrong for me, his wife,  to feel this way or am i really paranoid? 

  

I moved here from Singapore last July leaving behind my friends and family and the job i love to be with him and this is the kind of crab i get!  I travelled a lot too when I was working in Singapore but I don't spend that much time with my male colleague.  I ordered room service sometimes or go out and do things myself.  Why can't he do the same??  I just don't get it! 

  

Moving here is hard enough.  Our PR (my son and I) are in process and I don't have a single friend here.  I can't go nowhere or do anything.  I'm stuck at home and I hate this!  Sometimes I would call my friends back home to talk to them.  I'm very lonely , bitter and very very stressed. 

  

Can someone tell me what's wrong with me?? 

readclassbooks@yahoo.com 

  

I am a man, just so you know. Feel free to use the email address if you'd like. 

I have confronted him about his online activities before and he always lies about it.  Even when I have printed emails from/to one woman he would not admit it.  Confronting him again is useless because he will never admit what he is doing.  Therapy could not help us if he can't be honest. 

  

I am not incapable of having sex with my husband, it is just very painful.  He counts how many times we have sex and throws it up in my face that it isn't enough.  Seems he has no compassion for how much pain it causes me so I guess to keep him happy I will just have to suffer.  Get out of bed and take more pain pills!   

  

I do know that sex is an important part of a relationship and I do understand his frustration.  What I don't understand is that it is more important to him than ME!  He has seen firsthand what I have gone through since that car accident.  I have been to doctors, hospitals, ERs, over and over and over.  I have been poked, proded and cut open.  I have steel plates and screws in my spine already and going to be done again for another area.   

  

I think what hurts me the most is the betrayal.  I do not believe a man can love his wife and plan to cheat on her.   

  

Further, it is sickening to me that he can resent me so much for being injured and behave this way yet he is anxious to get his hands on my personal injury award that is going to be very, very large.  I had a Will drawn up leaving my entire estate to him in case I don't live through one of my surgeries or something else happened to me before I get the settlement.  I can say this much, that Will is going to change right now.  He won't get a penny of that money whether I am dead or alive.   

  

I do know that both men and women cheat on their spouses and all I can say is I think it is wrong.  If a person is not ready to be with one person, don't get married.  It causes too much pain.