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Topic : Cheated On

Number of Replies: 5030
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:01:22 pm
Author : dataimport
If your partner's been unfaithful, find support here. General talk and debate about infidelity can be found in our Infidelity discussion.

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September 8, 2005, 12:11 pm CDT

Being a Cheater

Hey, Everyone complains about being cheated on. I am a cheater. I say I am a cheater because in my opinion it is like any other disease such as alcoholism. It can never be cured; it just goes away for a little while. (Something like Dr. Phil says anyhow). I cheated or tried to cheat in every one of my relationships since I began dating at 12 years of age for five years. I am now married and recently revealed to my husband that his instincts regarding a past friend was just as he suspected rather than the lies I made him believe for the past 9 years. I was 3 weeks pregnant when I told him. We've moved past those issues. I've lived without cheating for 10 years. I have removed myself from any environment that would put me in circumstances to cheat. I am afraid that this will come back to haunt me once again.  

How can I change my life so that I don't have these feelings of temptation any longer? 

 
September 8, 2005, 12:18 pm CDT

Need Advise

ok, am new here and have read a few of the posts.  here is my story and i need some advise on the way forward.   

   

i've been married for eight years, been with h for eleven, have two lovely girls and work a full time job. met h abroad, got married had first child then relocated. have been working since (7 years), h on the other hand still TRYING to get a business going, does the odd contract here and there and gets some money. i have held a steady job, bought a house and two cars, h sold his old beat up car and uses one of mine. now to the problem, found out at mother in laws funeral that h's girlfriend (didnt know nothing of this or suspect till that day) was also at funeral. confronted him after the service, he admitted and promised to end it. believed him gave him time to end it and all that. i guess the gf went out of town for a long while after that so he pretended it was over then i got pregnant with second child and during pregnancy found out she was in town and he was seeing her. got together a family meeting and gave him option, her or me. he choose to quit and work on our marriage and family members advised i give a second chance and now that family is involved he sure will end it and straighten up. well guess what. four years after only to find that he was still seeing her. now that got me ANGRY. i was angry at myself first for giving the second chance then at his family for knowing this was still going on and noone telling me or doing anything about it.  

   

what i've done. i got together another meeting, told him i wanted a separation so he could sort out his feelings about his marriage and affair and to leave the house in the meantime. gave a deadline for him to leave. come the day he tells me he is going nowhere.  i have asked his best friend to talk to him cos right now at the present time i am totally disconnected from him, i sleep with my girls (8 and 4) in their room, we're like roommates only now, no hi, no goodbye (even roommates do better) i dont worry about his meals. i'm not sure i even love him right now, only respect him as the father of our kids. he hasnt been able to talk to me about this. he has told friends he doesnt want to leave but when i tried talking to him he says he doesnt want separation and that i can file he wont contest but he wont file. that's ok i'll file, but need to get some money to pay for an attorney's services.   

   

my frustration is that he wont leave the house.  this is really eating me up, his family wont even call me to find out how we (kids and I) are doing or even how he and i are doing. that annoys me and i dont want to be part of such a family. my mind is made up, i am out of this relationship.  

   

the question i desperately need answered is, we got married in the US and now live in Africa. can i file here to end this 'marriage'.   

   

he has never been truthful (on hindsight) with me. i later found out before i joined him in the US from the UK, he was seeing this girl who spent the night with him the night be4 i arrived in the US.  they are still in touch with each other. and oh, this other woman he's having an affair with now, is older about 8-10 years more than him and up to 17 more than me.  

   

help someone, i just need some advise and and answers since am not yet in the financial position to engage an attorney.  i take care of the kids, house, bills, school, everything (stopped maintaining my other car that he is driving. for now it can rot). he is not doing good financially as business not picking up.   

   

i feel sorry for him though (reason he's still in the house and i havent kicked him out). i feel like he has no where to go, no money. not to say he has apologised or even trying to work on relationship. he is very arrogant i just dont want to create a scene in the neighbourhood throwing his stuff out or locking him out. help please, anyone  

   

 
September 9, 2005, 8:24 am CDT

Cheated On

im new to this and im not sure where to start so i guess ill start from the begining 

  

ive been with my gf for over 3 years and our troubles started about 2 years ago when we lost our pregnancy after that she blamed me and it made things hard on us and we grew apart little by little, but we worked on it as best we could and this past march i discovered she had cheated on me with a coworker in feb i confronted her about this and i asked her to tell me everything, she proceded to tell me everything (or so i thought) she even swore on our baby that she told me evrything, well i tried to forgive her i even let her move in with me, but the whole time i felt there was more, id ask and she would say she told me everything, well finally this past week i talked to an old friend and i asked him a few things about what happened (he was friends with the guy she cheated on me with hence old friend) and he told me a couple things i was able to take back and confront her well finally all comes out (i think and hope) no some of this relates to our relationship leading to this situation, the first few months of our relationship she was doing drugs, when she would have her girls nite out she would drink smoke go to clubs stuff she said she wasnt doing, i found out that this guy has taged along on a few of these outtings , and also the week she cheated on me she went to the stripclub with another one of her guy friends and his friends originally she told me it was with one of her gf and her guy friend, also she told where she realy had sex with him and it really started to hurt when  

she told me she had feelings for him for about a year and a half and then she gave me comparisons but i did ask her to and i asked her if he made her orgasm, she said no, and now she told me six months after we started haveing sex she went to the doctor cause she was unable to have orgasms 

wich was another wound cause i was always very passionate (sp) about satisfying her, there is more but thats all i can think of right now without breaking down, i just dont know what to do or where to turn hope to hear from someone soon thx 

 
September 9, 2005, 8:45 am CDT

sorry

Quote From: sosad21

im new to this and im not sure where to start so i guess ill start from the begining 

  

ive been with my gf for over 3 years and our troubles started about 2 years ago when we lost our pregnancy after that she blamed me and it made things hard on us and we grew apart little by little, but we worked on it as best we could and this past march i discovered she had cheated on me with a coworker in feb i confronted her about this and i asked her to tell me everything, she proceded to tell me everything (or so i thought) she even swore on our baby that she told me evrything, well i tried to forgive her i even let her move in with me, but the whole time i felt there was more, id ask and she would say she told me everything, well finally this past week i talked to an old friend and i asked him a few things about what happened (he was friends with the guy she cheated on me with hence old friend) and he told me a couple things i was able to take back and confront her well finally all comes out (i think and hope) no some of this relates to our relationship leading to this situation, the first few months of our relationship she was doing drugs, when she would have her girls nite out she would drink smoke go to clubs stuff she said she wasnt doing, i found out that this guy has taged along on a few of these outtings , and also the week she cheated on me she went to the stripclub with another one of her guy friends and his friends originally she told me it was with one of her gf and her guy friend, also she told where she realy had sex with him and it really started to hurt when  

she told me she had feelings for him for about a year and a half and then she gave me comparisons but i did ask her to and i asked her if he made her orgasm, she said no, and now she told me six months after we started haveing sex she went to the doctor cause she was unable to have orgasms 

wich was another wound cause i was always very passionate (sp) about satisfying her, there is more but thats all i can think of right now without breaking down, i just dont know what to do or where to turn hope to hear from someone soon thx 

Sorry to hear your story.  It sounds like she is not ready to hold down a real ADULT relationship.  I hate saying this but you need to move on.  She was never honest with you about anything.  She only told you when she got caught in lies and was forced to tell you something.  And then she even swore on your baby that she told you everything but she lied again!  Sorry but it doesn't sound like someone you need in your life or raise a child with.  I know losing a child can be hard on her.  But it's not fair to blame you.  You should of worked on getting through it together but she choice her path.  And you got hurt in the meanwhile.   You know in your heart what you need to do.  
 
September 9, 2005, 9:55 am CDT

thank you

Quote From: latingirl

Sorry to hear your story.  It sounds like she is not ready to hold down a real ADULT relationship.  I hate saying this but you need to move on.  She was never honest with you about anything.  She only told you when she got caught in lies and was forced to tell you something.  And then she even swore on your baby that she told you everything but she lied again!  Sorry but it doesn't sound like someone you need in your life or raise a child with.  I know losing a child can be hard on her.  But it's not fair to blame you.  You should of worked on getting through it together but she choice her path.  And you got hurt in the meanwhile.   You know in your heart what you need to do.  
i want to so bad but its so hard she is the only person ive been with and up until that i was the only person she had been with as well, we had plans to get married and to try and start a family again, but then i found out about what happened, its just so hard no matter how much i agree with you, but we have been through so much together and she is sorry, but it is getting to the point where i can tell my resentment is wearing thin on her wich just makes me feel that much more hurt, the worst thing about it is my father was a cheater and i promised myself i could never be in that type of situation and then it happens to me, no matter how much i think about being with someone else it just makes me ill my heart may say try try but its not the best choice, and i tried last time to turn away and suffered severly i didnt sleep for 8 days and eat for 4 and had just started to get back on a normal sleep cycle when we brought it up again sorry for adding more its just so dang hard. thx 
 
September 9, 2005, 10:36 am CDT

I could lose it all

I have been married 14 years and of those 14 years I think my husband was faithful for about 2 years.  He has had an on going affair with someone for about 8 years.  We've been back and forth about it over and over and over.  I have 2 step children that I have raised and now a grandson from the oldest.  There have always been reasons not to end the marriage.  I also have a daughter of my own, that loves her daddy very much.  My step children stood the chance of losing me, which kept me in the marriage.  Then the oldest had a child and needed me, thus keeping me in the marriage.  Then the oldest died from cancer and wanted me and her daddy to raise her baby.  Thus making it difficult to leave.  My thing now is that if I choose to end the marriage I lose a lot.  Why can't she just leave my husband alone.  She doesn't stand to lose anything but a fling with a married man.  I love my grandson very much and my step daughter.  I CANNOT imagine my life without them.  How can keep living like this though?  He has completely made me look like the biggest fool in town.  He is not secretive about the relationship at all.  I am at a loss.  

 
September 9, 2005, 1:18 pm CDT

You need to stop and think about what you are willing to put up with...

Quote From: patilia

I have been married 14 years and of those 14 years I think my husband was faithful for about 2 years.  He has had an on going affair with someone for about 8 years.  We've been back and forth about it over and over and over.  I have 2 step children that I have raised and now a grandson from the oldest.  There have always been reasons not to end the marriage.  I also have a daughter of my own, that loves her daddy very much.  My step children stood the chance of losing me, which kept me in the marriage.  Then the oldest had a child and needed me, thus keeping me in the marriage.  Then the oldest died from cancer and wanted me and her daddy to raise her baby.  Thus making it difficult to leave.  My thing now is that if I choose to end the marriage I lose a lot.  Why can't she just leave my husband alone.  She doesn't stand to lose anything but a fling with a married man.  I love my grandson very much and my step daughter.  I CANNOT imagine my life without them.  How can keep living like this though?  He has completely made me look like the biggest fool in town.  He is not secretive about the relationship at all.  I am at a loss.  

You need to stop and think about what you are willing to put up with. In this day and age of STD's/HIV and such makes me wonder what you are thinking? IT is not this lady that needs to leave your husband alone, it is your husband that needs to leave her alone. IT takes two and blaming her is asinine. He is the one breaking his vow to god and you, not her. She has nothing invested in your relationship, he does.  

  

I am not saying she has no blame, I am just saying as far as you go, it is he that is doing you wrong, not her. 

  

We are only treated as poorly as we allow others to treat us. You are allowing your husband to treat you this way, and blaming it on the children. Yes, as far as grown children you can still have a relationship with them. As far as the grandchild, check with a lawyer, if you raise the parent of this child, you may have more rights than you realize, and if he can't provide a stable environment for this child, the courts could still have you as guardian. Check with a good lawyer. Times like these are not the time to bargain shop. 

  

Quit blaming the children for you putting up with this behavior, and make a stand. If you are wanting out of this situation, do something about it. You are the one making a fool of yourself, by putting up with it. Grow a backbone, and get legal advice. You may be in better shape than you realize. 

  

I hope this helps. Good luck, and keep us posted. 

 
September 10, 2005, 5:32 am CDT

My husband Cheated

Things at home were not going very well. (We've been married for six years). I seen the signs, but I denied it all. We separated for a month. During this month he asked me if he could ask this woman out. I was so lost with words and hurt so bad. After a while he asked me to come back home and work things out. I told him yes, then he explained to me he slept with a few women. He lead me to believe he slept with three women for over a year. One of the women we worked with (which she no longer works there). Things he said didn't make since to him sleeping with three women. I couldn't stand it no more, so I wrote him a long letter. He then told me he was so ashamed to tell me he only slept with one woman (the woman from work) so he told me it was three. I haven't a clue as to how many he really slept with. It still hurts, but I try to move on.   

    

An old neighbor of my husbands from years and years ago calls the house about once a year. Now this woman has his email address and emails quite often. (This woman lives out of state). Saying what's up babe...flirting words if you ask me. She called the house and left a message on the answering machine asking why he hasn't replied to her emails. Oh...he slept with this woman one time. (He slept with her years before I met him). He emailed her back, but he told me he wouldn't email her if I didn't want him too. I know we all need friends, but it's a constant reminder of him cheating on me.    

    

Any advise is greatly appreciated.   

    

Thanks   

 
September 10, 2005, 7:38 am CDT

Cheating hubby.....

Quote From: sunshyne

Things at home were not going very well. (We've been married for six years). I seen the signs, but I denied it all. We separated for a month. During this month he asked me if he could ask this woman out. I was so lost with words and hurt so bad. After a while he asked me to come back home and work things out. I told him yes, then he explained to me he slept with a few women. He lead me to believe he slept with three women for over a year. One of the women we worked with (which she no longer works there). Things he said didn't make since to him sleeping with three women. I couldn't stand it no more, so I wrote him a long letter. He then told me he was so ashamed to tell me he only slept with one woman (the woman from work) so he told me it was three. I haven't a clue as to how many he really slept with. It still hurts, but I try to move on.   

    

An old neighbor of my husbands from years and years ago calls the house about once a year. Now this woman has his email address and emails quite often. (This woman lives out of state). Saying what's up babe...flirting words if you ask me. She called the house and left a message on the answering machine asking why he hasn't replied to her emails. Oh...he slept with this woman one time. (He slept with her years before I met him). He emailed her back, but he told me he wouldn't email her if I didn't want him too. I know we all need friends, but it's a constant reminder of him cheating on me.    

    

Any advise is greatly appreciated.   

    

Thanks   

He emailed her back before he told you about the email, or after? The way your post is worded I didn't quite understand if you meant to say that you told him it was fine with you if he emailed her back, or if he just did it. 

Yes of course we all need friends, of course- but whatever friends that you have, they should be friendly with him, and any friends that he has, they should be friendly with you, too.  

I can totally understand why it gets upsetting to you when this old neighbor calls, after all, they DID have a sexual relationship at one point. Once you've crossed that line with someone, it would be easy to cross that line again if the opportunity came up. She lives far away, but still.... what if he was tempted? I just think that she is being disrespectful of you by leaving flirty messages, etc., knowing that he is married. Some women go after married men because its more of a challenge, after all, so who knows if she is one of them? 

Its difficult to try to move on when you don't know if you have the whole truth or not. It is pretty outrageous to think that your hubby said he slept with 3 women because he was too embarrassed to say it was only one... thats so junior high... not something a grown man would do. Thats odd. So I can see why you feel conflicted about this. You want to believe what he is saying, but then the old doubts creep up, right?  

Have you gone to marriage counceling? That could really help your relationship. Alot of people think of marriage counceling as "the beginning of the end" but thats not what it is at all, its reaching out for help, to receive guidance on how to improve your communication and your trust. I urge you to make an appt. for yourselves. Even one appt. could help so much. I also recommend Dr. Phil's book, "relationship rescue", he has alot of really great, common sense things in the book to apply to your marriage to make it better. I wish you the best! 

 
September 10, 2005, 7:59 am CDT

Cheated On

Quote From: jenoc99

He emailed her back before he told you about the email, or after? The way your post is worded I didn't quite understand if you meant to say that you told him it was fine with you if he emailed her back, or if he just did it. 

Yes of course we all need friends, of course- but whatever friends that you have, they should be friendly with him, and any friends that he has, they should be friendly with you, too.  

I can totally understand why it gets upsetting to you when this old neighbor calls, after all, they DID have a sexual relationship at one point. Once you've crossed that line with someone, it would be easy to cross that line again if the opportunity came up. She lives far away, but still.... what if he was tempted? I just think that she is being disrespectful of you by leaving flirty messages, etc., knowing that he is married. Some women go after married men because its more of a challenge, after all, so who knows if she is one of them? 

Its difficult to try to move on when you don't know if you have the whole truth or not. It is pretty outrageous to think that your hubby said he slept with 3 women because he was too embarrassed to say it was only one... thats so junior high... not something a grown man would do. Thats odd. So I can see why you feel conflicted about this. You want to believe what he is saying, but then the old doubts creep up, right?  

Have you gone to marriage counceling? That could really help your relationship. Alot of people think of marriage counceling as "the beginning of the end" but thats not what it is at all, its reaching out for help, to receive guidance on how to improve your communication and your trust. I urge you to make an appt. for yourselves. Even one appt. could help so much. I also recommend Dr. Phil's book, "relationship rescue", he has alot of really great, common sense things in the book to apply to your marriage to make it better. I wish you the best! 

I did tell my husband it was ok to email, because I didn't want to be the bad person. Plus I took in consideration she lives out of state. If he can't write and email with me (his wife) I sure don't want him emailing some other woman. My husband doesn't mind if I have friends that are guys as long as it's only friends. To me, it's wrong. "If you want to act single you should've never married". My husband knows I bothered by this, but I figure if he really wanted to email her he will do it regardless.   

   

I'm seeing a family concelsor now, and have mentioned this issue. I plan on talking more about it.   

   

Thank you for the advise.   

 
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