Topic : Cheated On

Since my last post on Feb 17, when I was told by my husband about his affair, much has happened. I've done a lot of talking with my husband. It turns out that he did not have an affair with just one person. It was a total of 4 people in 6 months. I could not believe it.  

I asked him what was going on. He said he was getting all this attention from these females, who by the way are just trying to get a green card -- or that is what I tell myself. But it seems that the one he lasted with the longest was a woman 10 years older than him. She could not have any kids, so her husband divorced her. He told me she gave him anything sexually. THAT HURT!! Maybe since she is older, has more experience, and really wants to find someone at this time in her life, she gave him all the attention I couldn't give him, since I wasn't there. 

Looking for advise and not finding someone to confide in made the first couple of days HELL!!! I did a lot of walking, and cried a lot. Walking through the mall, walking home. It just hurted so much. But now I'm much better.  

I talked to my mom, who is very religious. She told me she would rather I tried to work it out before I gave up on the relationship. I seeked advise in the Bible and through prayer.  

I told my husband that he needed to decide if he wanted to work on the relationship. I thought if only I worked on it alone I would be wasting my time because he could want to continue his relationship with this woman. He decided to work on our relationship. Next month we'll be hitting 7 years of marriage. 

What I never thought would happen has happened. I have forgiven him. With the time I gave myself  to think about our relationship I realized I had been taking him for granted. So I'm done a few changes, like taking care of our place more, cooking more often, sex more flequently. He always appreciates that. ;) 

Although, it may not be the popular solutions, but working on my relationship puts me at ease because if it happenes again I can leave withouth thinking I didn't do my best to work thing out. We are even considering having children next year.  

All I can hope for right now is that we can fully trust each other, and do the best we can. Giving up right now would be like giving up on myself, since I still love my husband. I made sure to tell him that I will not tolerate another affair. I also told him he needs to not contact this woman again. This will help us to invest on "our" relationship.  

I just leave it in Gods hands from here on, and do may part to be a better wife. I can't forsee the future, so I will do the best with my "today" and hope that it creates for a better tomorrow. 

Hello everyone.  I am new to this group.  I am 45 years old and my husband Buck is 26 years old.  To spite Buck's young age, he is very responsible and mature.  My main problem is that when we are in public, I am afraid to express my feelings towards Buck in fear to attract attention and stares.  I know that I shouldn't care what other people think...believe me, I have tried very, very hard to get past this.  I just cant! :(.  I know that my husband loves me and of course I love him with all my heart.  It is a very bad feeling when we are in public and I can't even put my arm around him because I am afraid of what people will say and think.  It is much easier to not act like a "couple" (on my part only) because if we don't seem like a couple, then people won't stare.  They will more and likely just think of us as "friends" out having a good time. It really bothers Buck that most of the time I cannot express my feelings for him in public.  just makes him feel like I don't love hime like I once did.  That really hurts me that Buck feels like that.  Please help!  Any suggestions and even critisizm are good at this point.  Really!   Thank you in advance for your help! 

Val  

A friend of mine is in a simular situation, but her husband is older. She was very concerned with what other people would think while they were out in public, etc., but she has learned to relax and to stop worrying about what other people might think, and she has never been happier!!  

I will tell you the same thing I told her: you can never control what other people might think/say/do. The only person you control is YOU. Are you happy? thats what matters. Who cares what other people might think? Also, remember this: you might think that you know what other people are thinking, but unless they come right out and tell you, you really do not know what they are thinking! I think that in many cases, people might see you and your hubby and think, "way to go, girl!"  People might do a double take... but you know what? This is your life!! This is what you are living every day of your life, and its something that (its sounds like) you are not willing to change, and you shouldn't. You have to stop worrying about what people might say or think, and just focus on your own life and your own happiness. I wish you the best!! 

Hi Everyone, 

    I'm new here. I just registered today.  My husband and I have been married for 20 years and in October 2004 he cheated on me. It was a one night stand. He couldn't even remember her name. Things were kind of strained between us at the time due to lack of communication. He met her at a party and they started talking and one thing led to another and they had sex. She knew he was married. He left his ring on the whole time. She even asked him how long he had been married and asked how many kids he had. She put two big hickies on his neck.  He was afraid to come home because he didn't want to face me. When he told me my heart broke into a million pieces. It hurt me so much. I always believed with all my heart and sole that he would never cheat on me. It was the one thing I could count on. Well after alot of talking I forgave him and I told him I trusted him. Our marriage got back on track and thing were better than before. Everyday for a long time I kept playing it over and over in my mind. I kept imagining them together. I still do to this day. He doesn't want me to talk about it cause he doesn't want to be reminded of it. The problem is I'm very jealous now of every girl he talks to. I said I trusted him but I'm not sure I really do since I'm so jealous. I'm sorry if I've bored anyone but I've never talked to anyone about this. Nobody else knows . Will I ever get over this?  I would love to get some advice from anyone; even if it's something I don't want to hear. 

Thank you very much for your advice! 

yes, I too, just like your friend, need to learn how to relax and to stop worrying about that other people might think when we are out in public.  That is so true what you said...I can never control what other people might think/say/do.  Gosh, that is soooo true!  I know that I am the ONLY person I control.  Yes, I am very happy (besides always wondering/worrying about other people's reaction to my husband and myself in public) I will do my best to not let it bother me anymore.  It is not fair to my husband nor to myself to not be able to show Buck how much I love him in public.  You are right, for all I know people may actually think "way to go girl"!! :)  I really need to stop worrying about that.  It is our life.  We chose one another to spend the rest of our lives with each other.  Why shouldn't I show affection for my husband just because I fear the "stares" the possible "ridicules"!  Thank you!  Val 

Hello, I am new here too.  Just registered today myself.  Wow!  20 years!  I am very sorry to hear about your husband cheating on you!  Hopefully that will never happen again.  I hope your husband learned a valuable lesson.  If he truly loves you, he will not do it again. Unfortunately, in most cases, they don't stop... (not trying to discourage you by all means).  Try again to talk to your husband.  That is just too bad if he doesn't want to be reminded...and you do??!!  The best thing to do in a situation such as this one, is to talk it out.  Talk it out for as long as it takes.That is what the two of you need, to hopefully get past this and get on with your lives.   I don't blame you for being jealous every time your husband talked to a girl.  Not a very good feeling at all.  Not to mention not a very healthy way to live either.  I can relate to your situation.  A previous relationship I had many years ago, did the same thing to me.  I couldn't handle it...so I in turn, walked out.  We were not married. I got over it.  Met my wonderful husband a few years later.    I do know how you feel.  Tell me, are you both going to work on your relation ship?  I honestly think you will get over it.  Won't be easy, but I guarantee you, you will get over it.  I wish you all the luck in the world! 

Val 

My boyfriend and i met on one of those telephone chat lines in 2004 i was living in dallas and he was living in my home town tyler.  We talked and got along so well that i ended up moving back to tyler.  We fell in love and got engaged.  We got an apartment together and everything seemed to be perfect.  He worked oilfield and was gone alot i stayed home because of only one car besides that he didnt like the idea of me working. He was away in dallas for 7 monthes and all i wanted to do is chew the walls i was going crazy. He came home finally and thats when things started going funny. I caught him lieing about the dumbest things and his cell phone oh my goodness the darn cell phone he would turn it off when i was around or turn the ringer off. I wasent recieving his cell bill and he claimed oh i have no idea why they arnt coming.  I called sprint and found out they were going to his old address. Well after 5 months of why is your phone off or where is your bill i thought maybe all this is my imagination.  My momma said when you think something is going on trust yourself.  I asked him to buy a computer so i had something to do while he was at work. I was playing on line one day and went to sprint pcs.com and looked up his cell phone bill and what do you know i saw his applications which is what he downloaded to his phone there it was Match.com mobile and fast flirting. I confronted him and he claims that it was all sprints fault.  Im trying to trust him but its so hard after the whole match thing i dont know what i should do. 

Hi Val, 

     Thank you for your reply. It's good to be able to talk about this. I can't really talk to anyone around here cause things spread like wildfire. There's no one I can confide in. Before this happened I didn't have much self esteem and now I have none. I'm not sure about anything anymore. I'm trying to get passed this. I know I need to work on "me". I need to feel good about myself. It's just so hard. I know he was truly sorry for what he did.  I don't  think he'll  do it again, but how can I be sure cause I never thought he would do it the first time. When this first happened he would talk to me about it. Now he won't. I'm at the point now I want to know who she is, what she looks like, and why she had sex with a married man. Then again I think maybe I don't want to know. I'm just confused at this point. We both want our marriage to work. Sometimes I think I want revenge; but I'm not a vengeful person. I always said I was born with too much of a conscience. I can't do anything to purposely hurt anyone no matter what they've done to me. Again, thank you. 

Very welcome!  I agree, it is good to be able to confide in someone...without it spreading like wildfire!  I am so sorry you do not have any self esteem.  Please try and work on that.  That is like one of the last things you need is not to have self esteem.  Yes, please try and get past what happened to you.  That is good your husband is sorry for what he did.  hopefully he can now take his vows to you seriously!  I don't know why, but sometimes people do horrible things to the one person they truly love without thinking.  I know...how can you ever be sure he will not do this again?!  You thought this would never happen.  And it did!  So you say to yourself, "how can I be sure"...Truth is, only time will tell. You can only hope for the best.  I can certainly understand your frustrations; first he talked to you about it, now he doesn't, you want to know who she is, what she looks like, why she had sex with someone she knew was married...Honestly, some people just do not have morals and the ones who do, are of course the ones who get hurt.  As I was at one time and now you.  I will tell you true, by knowing who she is, what she looks like is not worth your time!  That is great that you and your husband want your marriage to work!  Revenge...definitely a big no no!  You are worth alot as a person to lower yourself to that level.. Believe me, I know...I thought that too when that happened to me.  No going to give someone else the power that I have!   Having a conscience is an important factor in our lives.  Without a conscience, we are nothing.  Hope this helps.  Anytime you need to talk, would be my pleasure to listen! 

Val