Topic : Cheated On

Nothing is impossible when you both want it and work for it. The path you have chosen can be the most rewarding for your marriage and family if you give 100% on both sides.

 

I'm glad to see that these boards are still here and haven't become read-only archives. I will keep checking as long as the board is still operable.

 

So...  its already beeing some time... and we are still in the same... I am focusing in our future, I watch Dr. Phil, I work and get my kids from school, spend a time with then, taking good care of my boys... I like to cook something nice and I get my husbands lunch every night with all my love to him take to his work in the next day.... I and scrapbooking as well...take great pics of my family, try to get a healthy sex life with my husband... I am tired cause of my work hours..but when I can, I always try to show him that I care about him, that I love him and love our family.... I am learning french as well !! hahaha but.... everyday, my husband goes to the email account that I sent the email to my ex... he keeps sendding the ex many emails and try to talk with him about me.... he send email to the ex pretending that is me, he send email to him saying that is really him.... he play bouth sides and keep sending emails to the ex all the time, plus that, I changed my work cause he thought that I had someone there, and now, he is pretending that its me and talking with people from my old job... said that will go there and punch everybody.... He keeps, everyday asking the same questions about what happened....   I work from 6am to 3pm and I go to be always after midnight, so I cant get too much sleep... so I am tired during the day, I am beeing patience with my sons, cause the older one, Nicolas, its getting to a difficult age...3 years old that wants to beat the school friends and the little brother, wants to do things that its not allowed to... so I am trying to talk with him a lot, hug and kiss him a lot to show how momy loves him.. I try to put my attention on him  and be patience...but this is not easy.... you have to control yourself and try never scream and nothing like that... and I get tired! I never get a good sleep and I try to be a better mother to my boys and this is not easy and plus that I have all this thing going on with my husband,,,,,,, I dont know what to do... i am not in peace, I am not in peace at work cause he keep questioning me by msn while I am at work... he keeps saying that my ex said this...my ex said that... a person from my work said this or said that..... and I cant work properly, then I get the boys at school, go home, have to prepare the food and everything and by msn, at home, as well he does the same, and then he gets at home from work, again he does the same...I am so........... so tired............... that.............. no one would beleive how much I am tired..................sometimes I wish just..... dont wake up, and staying at bed forever... with no one speaking with me....

I found out my husband cheated on me.  We have been married 18 years and we have two beautiful kids.  We have been faithful all through our marriage..  He told me a month ago he was polyamorous ( a still new concept which means loving open relationship with more than one partner -- not swinging)and it had been tearing him apart all his life because he knew no one would understand.  He hoped I would accept this and eventually we could talk about where that might lead us.  I was devastated because I always thought we were one true love.  I am completely monogamous.  When I found out he had, barely a week after we'd had the first discussion, gone to a chat room and then met someone in person, I confronted him.  He said he thought he could work up to telling me and things had just gotten out of control.  He is a very extroverted person & has always had a hero thing for strong wounded women.  The lady he met was this way.  At first he was all about doing anything he could to make it up to me.  Now he seems more defensive, although totally sorry for the deception.  We are going to see a therapist but he is afraid he will only be the monster.  We love each other.  I want to love all of him.  I'm not sure I could adjust to a polyamorous relationship and I know I will not survive another betrayal.  Has anyone been here?  I will not divorce him.

We were married for 11 years. I can't explain how shocking it was to find out. No one but me could know how "impossible" it was for either of us to cheat... She simply was/is not like that. Her biggest fear on this planet was for her to get cheated on... She knew how bad it would hurt, which is why she would never want to do it to me... But she did. It was with a good friend of ours. In fact it was her best friend's husband...

 

It was obviously a huge blow to our marraige. I wish I could say I kicked her out.. But I didn't. Call it weakness, call it whatever... But I forgave her. I forgave him. But it still hurts.. It hurts bad. When I found out... I never saw someone so remorseful... I never saw someone cry so hard in my life. The strange thing is, when I saw her pain all I could think about was her. I wanted to ease her pain. She begged me to give her another chance... To give our marraige another chance. So I did.

 

I wish I could say, "from that moment on, we lived happily ever after"... But we didn't. It's been a year now, and things have gone from bad to far worse. For some reason I thought all I had to do was forgive, and we could go back to normal. That wasn't the case. In the beginning she wasn't receptive to the love I wanted to give her. She didn't feel she deserved it, and still doesn't. Our sex life progressively got worse. It went from every few days to every couple of weeks... and now it's been two months.

 

Now something far worse than cheating is happening... I think she's fallen out of love with me. From the time we started going out... She adored me. She loved me more than a human should love another human... It was almost unbearable.. and it was certainly not healthy (it was seriously over the top)... I got involved in an online game a few years back... very addictive... "World of Warcraft"... I got wrapped in the game. I couldn't get off of it. Nights and nights... for years, she would beg me to get off... She even used sex as a tool, just to get me off, even for a little bit, and I would get right back on! I was addicted to a game. I put a game above my wife, and I took her for granted.

 

At some point she had to force herself to detatch herself emotionally from me... This took several years. She went from not wanting to spend a second without me... to not needing me at all. She went from LOVING to have sex, and wanting it EVERYDAY... to not wanting sex at all.

 

I don't take blame from her cheating on me. She doesn't put the blame on me either... But I do take blame on my part for our relationship getting the way it is... because I took her for granted. I don't really know what to do now. Neither of us want to leave. But she's lost something for me, and she doesn't know if she can get it back... I don't know what to do or where to go. I wish I could detatch from her emotionally.

OK, so I know I was in a questionable situation and I made a couple of bad choices....I went out with a girlfriend (I hadn't seen in 2 years) and we got a little drunk (I am a light weight)...one thing led to another and she decided to go home with someone (She is in a committed relationship) I did not want to go and let that be known (several times), but followed her because I didn't want her to get killed by some stranger. Long story short my bad decisions were....Drinking, Staying out until 4am, and riding in a car with guys I didnt know. So I get home to my WONDERFUL husband, whom I think is the best thing since sliced bread...and tell him that every day...and he thinks I cheated because my friend did. --Because it was too convinent for me not to have.

So we have been having good conversation about it, but he seems to be punishing me for something I didnt do. He told me yesterday that he realizes that his life isn't "Secure" anymore because of this. --I have no history of going out, or being even close to a situation that looks bad.

I have decided not to be friends with this person because she is bad for my marriage, but what do I do about my very sensitive husband who now seems to not trust me. He has been in bad situations and lied to me about them in the past, but I trust him completely today. He also had an ex that cheated on him for the entire time they were together. How do I restore the trust and make my husband understand that he is my moon and stars?? Do I just need to wait it out? Is he overreacting? I have already apologized and said that it would never happen again (&never has before) I am just heart broken that we are even in this situation because we have ..or have had a great relationship prior to this.

I have been with my wife for the last 14 years. I just recently found out that she was having an affair that was going on for the last 2 and a half years. I can understand where you are coming from when you say that some of the decisions that i made did not help my situation. I was so hell bent on being a better father to my kids, than my father was to me, that I forgot to be a husband for my wife. I was constantly doing things with my children sport teams and working that i never made time for my wife. She doesn't use that as an excuse for her bad decision, however I know that it played a part in her bad decision.

 

I have also forgiven my wife, and I'm running into the same situation. At 1st everything was great, she was very remorseful and hurt by the decision that she made. Now that 4 months have past, things are getting harder and she seems disconnected some times. I feel like I was the one who cheated, because I'm the one trying to find things for us to do. I am the one who is still expected to bring home flowers to show how much I love her. I am constantly initiating the physical contact. When I have to do all the work, it makes me wonder if our relationship is in trouble again. It makes me feel like we will never get that "it" back again. I start to wonder if she is seeing her ex-lover again. 

 

Tell me what you've done to get over those thought and the doubts.

 I found out about 3weeks ago that my husband of 12yrs (but we have been together for 17yrs) has been having an emotional affair with a co-worker. I knew something was going on and Kept asking him if he was cheating and he kept saying no. He would go out to the club every thursday, friday and saturday and stay out till 4,5,6 am and one time he did not come home until8:30am. The night he finally admitted it to me I had to beg him to tell me the trueth. He looked at me and said that he was not cheating in his sense of the word but was in my meaning of the word. I was floored. I went thru an overwhelming surge of emotions. First hurt, then angry. I ask him to leave and he refused. He acted like he was mad at me for being angry. I tried throwing his clothes out the door and he still would not leave. I then went into the spare bedroom to collect my thoughts and got very depressed. I took a handfull of sleeping pills and ended up in the hospital. I really wanted to die. My oldest son (20yrs old) is the one that came to the house to see what was going on because my daughter (19yrsold) called him to say i was talking to her on the phone and passed out. My husband as far as i know did not even check on me that entirer night until my son arrived. He knew I took the pills because i did it right in front of him. I told him that I wanted him to feel the pain he has caused me for the rest of his life. I dont remember anything for the next 2days. When i finally woke up it was easy for me to act like it never happen. It was almost like it was a dream. Until 1 week later. His cell phone continues to blow up one night around 3am. He gets out of bed, gets dressed and says he has to go but wont tell me where. He returns home approx 30 min later. I ask where he was and he said with her. I ask why? He said she was drunk at the bar and needed a ride home. He said she lives not even 3min from our home. I feel betrayed all over again. He now says that he told her last thursday that it was over because he needs to be at home with his family. He continues to walk around the house like he is angry at the world. Really I think its because he wants to continue seeing her. He says he can not make any promises like it wont happen again because he does not know what tomorrow will bring. He continues to stay at work until wee hrs in the morning like 2:30am but his shift ends at 10:30pm. Now he is a asupervisor, but I dont know if he is really working or not. He is not doing anything to make me feel more secure in this relationship. Except to say Im here now, Im here for you and I am here for the kids. I welcome any advise or comments from anyone as to how to handle this situation. I do need everyone to know that I will not try to hurt myself again. I was very selfish for that and did not think of my children. I just really need to know what to do next

I understand the emotional roller coaster that you are on. I will pray for you and your family. I unfortunately was cheated on and I just recently found out about it. (approximately 6 months ago). My wife and I decided to reconcile, but if you decide to go the same route, I will warn you that it is harder to forget than it is to forgive. I am still fighting the urge to be mad at her. You guys might have to seek real counseling if you decide to stay together. But he has to make you feel very secure in your relationship before you can decide to stay with this person. Because you will have a hard enough time trusting anything he says. He has to be completely open and honest about everything or else it will not work. he has to get you to believe in him again and that is going to take time. My wife cheated on me for over 2 years with a coworker. After I went to her job and threatened to kill him, I still worry about what goes on at her job. It is a very long road if you are going to get back together, but you both have to want to be together. Otherwise try to be friends and separate and move on with your life. You have to think of yourself now. Your kids will learn how strong you are the most, when they see how you face adversity.

 

God Bless

 

PS

Go to your local Library and pick up Intimacy After Infidelity by Steven D Solomon and Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. These books helped my wife figure out how to talk to one another again. Good Luck 

I found out 6 mos ago my husband of 13 yrs had been in relationship w/ very close business associate of ours and we own a family business. It started out "all business" he says and they became friends @ first, then the flirting started after she confided in him her problems w/her own marriage. For 2 yrs they talked & emailed almost daily, completely covering up all tracks of course. Then in 2008 he decided to take it to the next level and started meeting her out of town. After a couple of times seeing each other in person-they began their sexual relationship. Which did not end until I finally figured out something just was not right w/him and I confronted him. He denied it of course, but I just waited on the chance and finally got to the truth by starting my own investigation. By going through his phone bills-emails-and all receipts I could find. Luckily I keep a diary and was able to piece it all together for myself. Then w/all the evidence in hand-it still took him 3 mos to tell me the truth about it all. I am still in total shock because there were no signs that he was so unhappy in our marriage. He has always treated me like a queen and I thought our marriage was "affair proof". Now I don't know how I will ever forget or forgive him because of all the lies and betrayal. It still makes me sick to my stomach. And I am not able to stop thinking about what he did to us and how could he have been so cruel to me.         

I was cheated on too. Didn't find out until after 20 something years of marriage. It was early in marriage and with family member. Cheating is low down and hurtful. Now that he kept it a secret this long, I don't believe anything he's ever said. Actually, he denies it-calls woman a liar but I know he did it. He would go over to her house alone and not let me go when I ask him to only go there with me. Ladies-look out. Men are cheaters and liars no matter how good they seem. I found out he's cheated on others too. He's sick. It is so hard to stay but for kids sake do so. Too old to leave now anyway.