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Topic : Cheated On

Number of Replies: 5027
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:01:22 pm
Author : dataimport
If your partner's been unfaithful, find support here. General talk and debate about infidelity can be found in our Infidelity discussion.

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June 19, 2009, 4:47 pm CDT

To Red

Quote From: redneon

I'm sorry your going thru this right now, your under alot of stress.. so is your husband.  I would wager a bet that he has cheated especially since he has posted on a sex site looking for a sexual encounter and is having close contact every day with this girl he is texting and calling.  He has stepped waaayyyy over the boundary lines here.

 

He is feeling neglected, because in fact he is.  He isn't getting any intimacy from you because you are pregnant, again so soon.  If men don't get sex of any kind, at home, they will and do get it elsewhere.  I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you know all this or you wouldn't have these feelings and you wouldn't have posted on this site.  You know the answer to your question already, he has cheated, he has gone looking for sex, and he lied about how he was getting to and from work.

 

If he had nothing to hide, he wouldn't be hiding things from you.  Your marriage is in trouble with a capital T.  Men have sex for the physical gratification of it, they think about sex every 52 seconds of every day.  Women have sex for totally different reasons, mainly for love.  Love doesn't come into the equation with men, they can have sex and not love the person or have any real feelings for the person at all.  Its physical, its the way they are wired.

 

You have neglected your husband and your marriage.  You put your focus on having children and not on your relationship.  Maybe a good method of birth control would of been an idea after the miscarriage.  It would of given you time to heal and it would of let you and him have time together before entering into another pregnancy.  Marriage takes work even when you have babies.  It means making time for the two of you together as a couple, the same way as you did before you had babies.  He went looking for what he wasn't getting at home, sex , attention and feeling important. 

 

The focus is on you, your difficult pregnancies, the new baby and now another one on the way.  He feels like he is out of the picture, like he is nothing.. unimportant ... working his ass off to pay the bills...He is being, well a male who wants sex and wants it NOW.  He wants the attention, the affection, the sex.. he doesn't want to be looking after a baby and you when he gets off work.  He is stressed out.  I'm not saying he isn't trying, or he isn't a good husband... he might well be.  But he has stepped outside your marriage looking for a connection that he is no longer getting from you and your marriage.  I'm not excusing his behavior, he had no right to go outside your marriage.. he should of talked to you about how he was feeling, how he need sex and how you could of pleased him even without having direct intercourse.

 

Of course he got upset when you said you might leave him.  He got caught, he thought he could have his fun and keep his relationship intact... now he sees it all falling in around him.  Its so typical... Don't think that he doesn't love you, he probably does.. don't go thinking that he isn't sorry,,,he probably is, he is also sorry he got caught.  the sex he is getting outside your marriage has nothing to do with love and everything to do with sex.  There are very, very few men who will go days, weeks, or for that matter months without sex.  Its not in their nature.  You have to realize this and understand this. You need to be making an effort to have sex of some kind with him.

 

If you want your marriage to work, then go for counseling.  If you just want to stay until you deliver then thats your decision also.  Will you ever be able to trust him again.. probably not.  He will have to be transparent,by that I mean, if he says he is going somewhere, he better be there if you call and check.  If his phone rings he better not be trying to hide it, or wipe out his call history.  He has to get, just how much this betrayal has hurt you and hurt your marriage.  If he doesn't get it, if he gets defensive at your questions etc.. then he doesn't get how much pain he has caused you.

 

Can you stay with someone who cheats,,, only you can answer that question.  I can tell you its very hard to do and in the end might not be worth the struggle to get thru it all in the end.  If he is willing to be open and go for help then you might want to try to stay together.  But if you don't make him a priority then it will happen again and again, no matter who you are with.  You can't be in "mommy" mode 24/7, you are also a wife, you need to act like a wife to your husband.

 

Will you be angry with him for a while... you bet your bottom dollar you will.  Will you cry at the sight of him some days... you bet.. Will you hate him at times... yep.  Its a process, but its your life, your husbands life and your kids life... you have to figure out if its worth keeping or not, everyone handles cheating differently. No one here can tell you what you have to do.  We can tell you how you might feel, how much it hurts and why it happened.. but only you can decide what to do.  The best advice I can give you is once this baby is born consider NOT having any more unless they are well planned out and you have a good plan of action for relieving your husbands sexual needs... there are more "ways" than just intercourse (since that is out of the question right now for you) and you need to be putting those "other" ways into action if you want to stop your husband from straying.

 

If you think he has hooked up with someone off the sex site, or had sex with this person giving him a "ride", then you need to make sure he gets STD testing before having sex with him.  Why put yourself at risk just because he is being a stupid selfish male.

 

Good luck and let us know what happens..Red

Thank you for your detailed response.  It has helped greatly.  He told me he broke communication with her and is trying hard to make things 'right'.  I don't know if it will be 'right' for awhile.  As far as the pregnancies go, the one that was successful we both planned it out.  The current pregnancy was a surprise for we thought we were careful enough.  God has a plan for everything...I have to keep the faith and decide what to do.  My life is hard and so is his....we are on two different paths.  I stay at home trying to keep it together (household stuff) and he's mostly at work keeping it together (management).  There's a season for everything, and my season was to have kids now.  The next season will be either getting myself back on track alone or with him.  I have been out of the work force for awhile....I am ready to be me again or a better me.
 
June 19, 2009, 6:44 pm CDT

Hey Brad

Quote From: manoman

I haven't been comming to the site anymore... and I just wanted to say hi and hope your doing well.

 

((hugs))  Brad

I pop on once in a while.  Am doing well, hope you are too.. miss our conversations though! All the best my friend ((hugs)) ~Red
 
June 19, 2009, 6:58 pm CDT

Stayingtrue

Quote From: stayingtrue03

Thank you for your detailed response.  It has helped greatly.  He told me he broke communication with her and is trying hard to make things 'right'.  I don't know if it will be 'right' for awhile.  As far as the pregnancies go, the one that was successful we both planned it out.  The current pregnancy was a surprise for we thought we were careful enough.  God has a plan for everything...I have to keep the faith and decide what to do.  My life is hard and so is his....we are on two different paths.  I stay at home trying to keep it together (household stuff) and he's mostly at work keeping it together (management).  There's a season for everything, and my season was to have kids now.  The next season will be either getting myself back on track alone or with him.  I have been out of the work force for awhile....I am ready to be me again or a better me.
i wish you much luck.. its really hard to put things together once you find out they have cheated.  Things will never be the same again.  You will always look at him differently than you once did.  I hope you do as you say and use better protection in the future than you have in the past.. you need to focus on your marriage and like you said yourself from here on out.  Just keep your eyes wide open and I hope he really is trying to make things right and  not just trying so you get comfortable and look the other way.... Good luck and we are here if you need us..anytime ~Red
 
June 20, 2009, 2:30 pm CDT

To Red

Quote From: redneon

i wish you much luck.. its really hard to put things together once you find out they have cheated.  Things will never be the same again.  You will always look at him differently than you once did.  I hope you do as you say and use better protection in the future than you have in the past.. you need to focus on your marriage and like you said yourself from here on out.  Just keep your eyes wide open and I hope he really is trying to make things right and  not just trying so you get comfortable and look the other way.... Good luck and we are here if you need us..anytime Red

Question: 

 

How do I approach him?  Talk face to face or write a letter?  With my pregnancy being high risk I have tried to keep things stable and not confrontational.  I have my moments of intense anger and hurt and don't want that to cloud my statements to him. I understand that he was under stress during the cheating and still is. The baby coming won't make it better.  The baby is due in August.  I need the 100% truth from him....how can I know for sure that what he says is the truth.  The way he looks at me, the way he hugs me or him swearing on the bible?  I can wait until the baby is born, that way I can fully express how I feel without the worry of how it effect the baby. 

    I am concerned of his next move after the talk; the talk about either saving the marriage because we love each other or saving it just for the kids and third ending it all together.  He may go over the edge and his health may be effected (headaches, being sick, etc).  Why should I care how he reacts to what I have to say when he clearly didn't think of how his actions would effect me and the pregnancy? 

    I never neglected him....I did try at times pleasing him sexually even when the doctor said no sex.  I knew his sex drive is intense and was worried this might happen when I learned of the pregnancy.  It's hard to be a wife when you're on bedrest and can only get up to eat or go to the bathroom.  Most women don't have difficult pregnancies like mine and can do it all.  This wasn't a planned pregnancy at the moment but it is a blessing to me. 

   So, to end this post....he wants to go on trips after the baby is born, spend more time together.  I want that to...but when we come back home the reality of having two small babies is always there.  That's our world now.  I believe he works long hours to escape it.....I can't escape it.  Most women can't. They work and take care of home.  Some men do it too, but it's in our nature to be superwomen trying to do it all.  Trying to find a balace is hard when you don't have money for a nanny (to get time alone) and you're on bedrest.

 

Thanks in advance!

 
June 22, 2009, 4:49 pm CDT

Devastated

I really need to get this off my shoulders and I don't have anyone to talk to. How do tell your casual friends or your grown children that your husband has been cheating?  That's not the most awful thing, though.

 

My husband and I have been married for 16 years.  I have 3 children from my first marriage and he has helped me raise the kids all this time....financially.  If anyone is married to someone who is not the father of your children, you know how difficult life can be sometimes.  My two daughters live on the east coast.  My son lives with us...he's a college student with one year left.

 

Five years ago, my hsuband decided he wanted to transfer in his job to the west coast.  I didn't want to go.  My entire family lives on the east coast.  But he made the decision to move anyway.  I went through a rough time....missing my family and friends.  But I got a job and struggled through.

 

The relationship between my husband and I had it's ups and downs.  He's never been a man who talked very much about anything....especially anything to do with feelings.  But, as time went by, he grew less and less talkative.  I talked to him about our relationship often.  I told him that I was tired of feeling like I had a messy roommate instead of a husband and that I wanted to work on being closer again.  He would just smile and pat me on the back and say okay.

 

In April, while looking for nailclippers to trim the cat's claws, I found condoms in his travel bag.  I had a tubal ligation after the birth of my son, so we didn't need condoms....and we hadn't needed anything at all for over a year.  He had rejected me so often that I told him if he wanted me he could ask because the rejection was killing my self-esteem.  I asked him about the condoms and he made some lame excuse about being on a business trip years ago and finding them in his hotel room.  He didn't know why in the world he'd kept them, but he'd throw them away now if that would make me feel better.

 

He'd always taken care of our finances and had all our accounts online, but I didn't know the password.  I asked him for the password and he put me off for several weeks before he finally gave it to me.  He did a good job cleaning up the current bank statement, but the past statements showed that he had withdrawn large sums of money on days he wsa supposed to be at work.  He had transferred money from our savings to cover the balance he was withdrawing, and he'd even gotten cash advances on credit cards...one that's in my name.  I started looking through his stuff.  He's a pack rat and had probably two years worth of receipts and paid bill statements on his dresser.  I found copies of two credit card checks (the one in my name) that he had forged my signature to.....$7500 worth. The total amount over the last year and a half (I could only see that far back online) of withdrawals from our bank account, and credit card cash advances comes to $23,600.  That doesn't count the $7500 he forged on my credit card.  I also found a piece of paper with an address in his handwriting.  It was for an escort service.

 

I went back east a few months ago for 4 days to go wedding dress shopping with my daughter.  While I was gone, he checked into a very expensive hotel for the entire time I was gone, and he withdrew $1500 from our bank account during that time period. 

 

I also found out that he has two credit cards that I didn't know about.  The balance on those two is $15000.  All together, our credit card debt is $45000.  Some of that is legitimate. I don't know how much is legitimate, though, because I can't see beyond a year past on one of the credit cards that I have access to.  I assume that the credit cards I didn't know about are all hooker-related debt simply because I didn't know about them until I realized there were more credit card payments on our bank statements.

 

I spoke to an attorney.  He told me that I wouldn't be responsible for any of the debt that wasn't accrued for "the marriage or the family."  All this time, he's been telling me "Don't spend too much on Christmas presents.  We can't afford it."  and "You'll have to wait to go to the dentist.  We can't afford it right now."

 

I confronted my husband last weekend when my son was at work.  At first, he didn't say anything.  He hid face in his hands.  Then, he told me that he guessed he was just getting back at all those girls who had rejected him when he was younger.  Nice, huh?  Get back at those girls and devastate the woman who has taken care of you for 16 freaking years!

 

I've made an appointment with a counselor, but they didn't have anything open before mid-July.  I should have called weeks ago.  My husband says he wants to work things out.  I can hardly stand to be in the same room with him.  I don't know that I want to work things out.  I almost think that if it had been an affair, I could think about it differently, but cheating with prostitutes is unforgivable in my book. 

 

We could be doing well now, financially, except he decided to spend all of our money we've worked to save on his own fantasies. Now, I'm probably not going to retire before I die because of him.  And there's no way we can sell our house and take a loss.  I'm not going bankrupt at this point in my life.

 

 

 

 

 
June 23, 2009, 9:20 am CDT

To lwumom

Quote From: lwumom

I really need to get this off my shoulders and I don't have anyone to talk to. How do tell your casual friends or your grown children that your husband has been cheating?  That's not the most awful thing, though.

 

My husband and I have been married for 16 years.  I have 3 children from my first marriage and he has helped me raise the kids all this time....financially.  If anyone is married to someone who is not the father of your children, you know how difficult life can be sometimes.  My two daughters live on the east coast.  My son lives with us...he's a college student with one year left.

 

Five years ago, my hsuband decided he wanted to transfer in his job to the west coast.  I didn't want to go.  My entire family lives on the east coast.  But he made the decision to move anyway.  I went through a rough time....missing my family and friends.  But I got a job and struggled through.

 

The relationship between my husband and I had it's ups and downs.  He's never been a man who talked very much about anything....especially anything to do with feelings.  But, as time went by, he grew less and less talkative.  I talked to him about our relationship often.  I told him that I was tired of feeling like I had a messy roommate instead of a husband and that I wanted to work on being closer again.  He would just smile and pat me on the back and say okay.

 

In April, while looking for nailclippers to trim the cat's claws, I found condoms in his travel bag.  I had a tubal ligation after the birth of my son, so we didn't need condoms....and we hadn't needed anything at all for over a year.  He had rejected me so often that I told him if he wanted me he could ask because the rejection was killing my self-esteem.  I asked him about the condoms and he made some lame excuse about being on a business trip years ago and finding them in his hotel room.  He didn't know why in the world he'd kept them, but he'd throw them away now if that would make me feel better.

 

He'd always taken care of our finances and had all our accounts online, but I didn't know the password.  I asked him for the password and he put me off for several weeks before he finally gave it to me.  He did a good job cleaning up the current bank statement, but the past statements showed that he had withdrawn large sums of money on days he wsa supposed to be at work.  He had transferred money from our savings to cover the balance he was withdrawing, and he'd even gotten cash advances on credit cards...one that's in my name.  I started looking through his stuff.  He's a pack rat and had probably two years worth of receipts and paid bill statements on his dresser.  I found copies of two credit card checks (the one in my name) that he had forged my signature to.....$7500 worth. The total amount over the last year and a half (I could only see that far back online) of withdrawals from our bank account, and credit card cash advances comes to $23,600.  That doesn't count the $7500 he forged on my credit card.  I also found a piece of paper with an address in his handwriting.  It was for an escort service.

 

I went back east a few months ago for 4 days to go wedding dress shopping with my daughter.  While I was gone, he checked into a very expensive hotel for the entire time I was gone, and he withdrew $1500 from our bank account during that time period. 

 

I also found out that he has two credit cards that I didn't know about.  The balance on those two is $15000.  All together, our credit card debt is $45000.  Some of that is legitimate. I don't know how much is legitimate, though, because I can't see beyond a year past on one of the credit cards that I have access to.  I assume that the credit cards I didn't know about are all hooker-related debt simply because I didn't know about them until I realized there were more credit card payments on our bank statements.

 

I spoke to an attorney.  He told me that I wouldn't be responsible for any of the debt that wasn't accrued for "the marriage or the family."  All this time, he's been telling me "Don't spend too much on Christmas presents.  We can't afford it."  and "You'll have to wait to go to the dentist.  We can't afford it right now."

 

I confronted my husband last weekend when my son was at work.  At first, he didn't say anything.  He hid face in his hands.  Then, he told me that he guessed he was just getting back at all those girls who had rejected him when he was younger.  Nice, huh?  Get back at those girls and devastate the woman who has taken care of you for 16 freaking years!

 

I've made an appointment with a counselor, but they didn't have anything open before mid-July.  I should have called weeks ago.  My husband says he wants to work things out.  I can hardly stand to be in the same room with him.  I don't know that I want to work things out.  I almost think that if it had been an affair, I could think about it differently, but cheating with prostitutes is unforgivable in my book. 

 

We could be doing well now, financially, except he decided to spend all of our money we've worked to save on his own fantasies. Now, I'm probably not going to retire before I die because of him.  And there's no way we can sell our house and take a loss.  I'm not going bankrupt at this point in my life.

 

 

 

 

I totally understand what you are going thru right now. My husband isn't a talker either, never has been, but when he started pulling away I knew something was wrong.  I have been struggling with my husband cheating also since Feb.  I can tell you that its hard to look at my husband the same way, I will never feel the same for him.  His violating the trust and stepping outside our marriage has left me feeling devastated also.  We are living under the same roof because I can not afford to live elsewhere until our home sells.  Mine didn't use hookers, but signed up and made a profile on to a sex website for "hook up sex", hiding his credit card statements so I wouldn't find the charges.  So he might as well of had hookers since the risk for sexually transmitted diseases with these women for hook up sex is the same as with a hooker..maybe more cause I don't know if he even used condoms.

 

I can tell you that you will have days of extreme anger, sadness, fear.. all the emotions that there are, you will experience.  I can also tell you that you will never trust him again, he has managed to hide this and cheat on you for years.. so the likely hood of him changing this behavior now is slim. 

 

Are you prepared to leave him?  Are you hoping that the counseling will "fix" things so you can stay together?  Are you going to be able to have sex with him without your stomach turning every time he touches you?  Can you get over your repulsion of him having sex with hookers or escorts or anyone other than you all these years? Do your realize that if you don't push to have sex with him he will continue to have sex with others?  Does your job pay enough that you can support yourself and move out?

 

If you decide to stay with him is it because you think the marriage can be saved or only because you can't afford to move on without him?  will you be able to trust him when he goes out of town or if you have to leave for a couple of days?  Can you hold on long enough for the economy to turn around so you can sell your house and get out of debt? 

 

Sometimes the knee jerk reaction to leave the marriage right now isn't practicable.. I know for me this is where I am now.  I have to live under the same roof until I can afford to move out.  Its very difficult to do, I don't even like to look at him.. He is trying to made amends and make the marriage work, but I just can't get over how he ruined the marriage by his own selfish sexual desires and not talking to me about it and turning outside the marriage to find someone to just have sex with when I was right here lying beside him.

 

Its hard to fathom how someone could be so selfish, how your own needs were pushed aside, how you bend over backwards to make him happy when your own happiness was shoved aside and put down.  There are important decisions to be made, I can tell you that you will waver back and forth.. you will stress out big time, you will want to snip and snap at him and you have every reason to feel this way! 

 

He needs to "get it" he needs to understand how devastated you are because of HIS behavior.  He needs to know that he ran the marriage off into the ditch.  He needs to learn how to communicate, how to tell you how he feels, how he needs to reach out to you and not to someone else.  He needs to be transparent to you, all bills, all credit cards, all banking info, all cell bills, everything out into the open.  All bills come to the house none to his office address so you can see them.  You need to run his name and your name also for that matter thru a credit check to see if there is anything else you haven't found yet.

 

 All financial info and decisions need to be done as a couple, no more just "him" taking care of the finances from here on out.  If he is going somewhere, you need to call and check to see if he is there, if possible where he goes you go.  Its like having a child all over again.. but the trust is gone and now it has to be rebuilt back..if that is possible.. personally I don't think it is.  You have found a side of him you didn't think he had, you found that he has different morals than you do.  Men will have sex with anyone or anything given the right opportunity.. sometimes they go out of their way to make the opportunity happen so they can get the sexual gratification they want, when they want it.  They don't think of the consequences because they don't believe they will get caught.. its that selfish.  You need to find out if he has a sexual addiction that will inhibit him from correcting this behavior.

 

I wish you luck, I hope you can make an informed decision after you get some counseling.. just be careful of him saying things only because he knows it what you want to "hear" to take the heat of himself. Take care~Red

 
June 23, 2009, 9:37 am CDT

To - Stayingtrue

Quote From: stayingtrue03

Question: 

 

How do I approach him?  Talk face to face or write a letter?  With my pregnancy being high risk I have tried to keep things stable and not confrontational.  I have my moments of intense anger and hurt and don't want that to cloud my statements to him. I understand that he was under stress during the cheating and still is. The baby coming won't make it better.  The baby is due in August.  I need the 100% truth from him....how can I know for sure that what he says is the truth.  The way he looks at me, the way he hugs me or him swearing on the bible?  I can wait until the baby is born, that way I can fully express how I feel without the worry of how it effect the baby. 

    I am concerned of his next move after the talk; the talk about either saving the marriage because we love each other or saving it just for the kids and third ending it all together.  He may go over the edge and his health may be effected (headaches, being sick, etc).  Why should I care how he reacts to what I have to say when he clearly didn't think of how his actions would effect me and the pregnancy? 

    I never neglected him....I did try at times pleasing him sexually even when the doctor said no sex.  I knew his sex drive is intense and was worried this might happen when I learned of the pregnancy.  It's hard to be a wife when you're on bedrest and can only get up to eat or go to the bathroom.  Most women don't have difficult pregnancies like mine and can do it all.  This wasn't a planned pregnancy at the moment but it is a blessing to me. 

   So, to end this post....he wants to go on trips after the baby is born, spend more time together.  I want that to...but when we come back home the reality of having two small babies is always there.  That's our world now.  I believe he works long hours to escape it.....I can't escape it.  Most women can't. They work and take care of home.  Some men do it too, but it's in our nature to be superwomen trying to do it all.  Trying to find a balace is hard when you don't have money for a nanny (to get time alone) and you're on bedrest.

 

Thanks in advance!

How to approach him,,, well face to face is the best way.  If you are better at writing, then make notes of what you want to say to him but still do it face to face talking.  Don't pussyfoot around things, if your angry then he needs to know it, if your hurt he needs to see that.

 

How to tell if he is telling you the truth?  There is no way, if his story doesn't make sense, then its probably a lie.  If he doesn't "get it" that he has hurt the marriage and he needs to change his behavior, then chances are he doesn't understand or care what he has done to your relationship.  If he isn't being open and verbal about how he feels, if he is still taking rides from this woman...

 

You have every right to be concerned about what will happen after your talk with him.  But you know what, he needs to man up and be the husband you thought you married.   You can be on bedrest and still be able to give him oral satisfaction,, all you need to do is roll over on your side or have him stand in front of you.. so if you have been orally satisfying him sexually on a regular basis, then he shouldn't have been turning t someone else... if he did then there is another problem within your marriage besides the lack of sex and you need to find out what that is.

 

Taking a trip after the baby is born is a good idea, but he might be scared to have sex with you for fear of you getting pregnant again!  What are your plans for birthcontrol? Are you going to get your tubes tied?  If he is working to escape, then you need to find that out also, home needs to be a safe place to come at the end of his day.  He needs to feel happy to come home to you and the children, not dreading that.  Ask him how he can make home a better place for him.  You need a day out to yourself as well, and you need to take a day everyweekend for the two of you to have a date nite.  You need to get the spark back, but he needs to know that he helped make these children and they are his responsibility as well and its time to act like a husband and a father.. the one that you would be proud to call your husband... Keep in touch ~Red

 
June 23, 2009, 5:35 pm CDT

Thank you

Quote From: redneon

I totally understand what you are going thru right now. My husband isn't a talker either, never has been, but when he started pulling away I knew something was wrong.  I have been struggling with my husband cheating also since Feb.  I can tell you that its hard to look at my husband the same way, I will never feel the same for him.  His violating the trust and stepping outside our marriage has left me feeling devastated also.  We are living under the same roof because I can not afford to live elsewhere until our home sells.  Mine didn't use hookers, but signed up and made a profile on to a sex website for "hook up sex", hiding his credit card statements so I wouldn't find the charges.  So he might as well of had hookers since the risk for sexually transmitted diseases with these women for hook up sex is the same as with a hooker..maybe more cause I don't know if he even used condoms.

 

I can tell you that you will have days of extreme anger, sadness, fear.. all the emotions that there are, you will experience.  I can also tell you that you will never trust him again, he has managed to hide this and cheat on you for years.. so the likely hood of him changing this behavior now is slim. 

 

Are you prepared to leave him?  Are you hoping that the counseling will "fix" things so you can stay together?  Are you going to be able to have sex with him without your stomach turning every time he touches you?  Can you get over your repulsion of him having sex with hookers or escorts or anyone other than you all these years? Do your realize that if you don't push to have sex with him he will continue to have sex with others?  Does your job pay enough that you can support yourself and move out?

 

If you decide to stay with him is it because you think the marriage can be saved or only because you can't afford to move on without him?  will you be able to trust him when he goes out of town or if you have to leave for a couple of days?  Can you hold on long enough for the economy to turn around so you can sell your house and get out of debt? 

 

Sometimes the knee jerk reaction to leave the marriage right now isn't practicable.. I know for me this is where I am now.  I have to live under the same roof until I can afford to move out.  Its very difficult to do, I don't even like to look at him.. He is trying to made amends and make the marriage work, but I just can't get over how he ruined the marriage by his own selfish sexual desires and not talking to me about it and turning outside the marriage to find someone to just have sex with when I was right here lying beside him.

 

Its hard to fathom how someone could be so selfish, how your own needs were pushed aside, how you bend over backwards to make him happy when your own happiness was shoved aside and put down.  There are important decisions to be made, I can tell you that you will waver back and forth.. you will stress out big time, you will want to snip and snap at him and you have every reason to feel this way! 

 

He needs to "get it" he needs to understand how devastated you are because of HIS behavior.  He needs to know that he ran the marriage off into the ditch.  He needs to learn how to communicate, how to tell you how he feels, how he needs to reach out to you and not to someone else.  He needs to be transparent to you, all bills, all credit cards, all banking info, all cell bills, everything out into the open.  All bills come to the house none to his office address so you can see them.  You need to run his name and your name also for that matter thru a credit check to see if there is anything else you haven't found yet.

 

 All financial info and decisions need to be done as a couple, no more just "him" taking care of the finances from here on out.  If he is going somewhere, you need to call and check to see if he is there, if possible where he goes you go.  Its like having a child all over again.. but the trust is gone and now it has to be rebuilt back..if that is possible.. personally I don't think it is.  You have found a side of him you didn't think he had, you found that he has different morals than you do.  Men will have sex with anyone or anything given the right opportunity.. sometimes they go out of their way to make the opportunity happen so they can get the sexual gratification they want, when they want it.  They don't think of the consequences because they don't believe they will get caught.. its that selfish.  You need to find out if he has a sexual addiction that will inhibit him from correcting this behavior.

 

I wish you luck, I hope you can make an informed decision after you get some counseling.. just be careful of him saying things only because he knows it what you want to "hear" to take the heat of himself. Take careRed

I really appreciate your insight.  I'm sorry you're going through this too. 

 

I made an appointment for counseling yesterday, but it's not for him or us.  It's for me.  I'm so angry and hurt.  I can't stand to look at him.  I don't want him to touch me.  I feel sick when he walks in the door in the evening. 

 

I'm like you....our house has lost at least $100K of it's value since we bought it.  Since my husband has maxed out the credit cards, we couldn't get a loan for the amount we would owe if we could sell it.  And since he's depleted our savings, there's nothing left.  I wish I could sue him for fraud and theft. 

 

I can't believe I trusted him, but everybody does.  They would be totally jaw-dropping shocked if they knew what he's been doing.  They probably wouldn't even believe it.  But I have eveidence.  He forged my signature on two credit card checks and I made copies of the receipts...the ones you get at the ATM when you make a deposit....he got copies!  Now, I have them.  I told him that if he ever used that card again, I'd have him arrested for forgery. 

 

Right now, my self-esteem has taken such a blow...with the rejection sexually, with the betrayal, with the theft of money that I had earned.  I need a counselor to help me put it all in perspective and to help me get over it, so I can move on.

 

My son has one year left in college.  This year is going to be tough for him.  He's had a job all through school, but this year, his schedule is going to be so full, that he won't be able to work.  I can't leave him when he's doing so well.  He's a good student and I won't abandon him when he's almost reached his goal...especially since leaving would be making a move back to the east coast. 

 

My daughter is getting married in the fall.  We've know this since last fall.  My husband has withdrawn $5000 for his little escapades just this year.  Now, he tells me we can't afford to pay for her wedding.  What a jerk.  I'm sick....just sick.  It's all I think about.  I can't sleep well.  And he sleeps like a freaking baby.  I feel like setting his alarm clock for 3AM just so he'll get a big wake up call in the middle of the night.

 

I don't know what to do. I have so many responsibilites I have to consider.  I wish my dad was still alive.

 
June 24, 2009, 9:29 am CDT

being cheated on

I am not really too sure if this is where I should be asking for advice I think I am in the right place? I have been with this guy for 8 years, we have a child and I am pregnant. I just found out he cheated and I am devestated. I always thought I could be that one person who could say at least my boyfriend doesnt cheat, well he did, i'm not to sure if I can ever forgive him or move forward this has just happened and I am bringing it up everyday, I want things to work because I do love him and I know this is not him. He has a problem with drugs and is trying to battle this, he wasnt living with me recently and he had moved in with this couple, she was doing the drugs with him and telling him everything he wanted to hear, that I wasnt there for him if I loved him I would accpet his drug problem not matter what, I want to work with him and move thru all the issues we have I am just not sure where to start or how to move to the next step some one please help me
 
June 25, 2009, 1:10 pm CDT

to Iwumom

Quote From: lwumom

I really appreciate your insight.  I'm sorry you're going through this too. 

 

I made an appointment for counseling yesterday, but it's not for him or us.  It's for me.  I'm so angry and hurt.  I can't stand to look at him.  I don't want him to touch me.  I feel sick when he walks in the door in the evening. 

 

I'm like you....our house has lost at least $100K of it's value since we bought it.  Since my husband has maxed out the credit cards, we couldn't get a loan for the amount we would owe if we could sell it.  And since he's depleted our savings, there's nothing left.  I wish I could sue him for fraud and theft. 

 

I can't believe I trusted him, but everybody does.  They would be totally jaw-dropping shocked if they knew what he's been doing.  They probably wouldn't even believe it.  But I have eveidence.  He forged my signature on two credit card checks and I made copies of the receipts...the ones you get at the ATM when you make a deposit....he got copies!  Now, I have them.  I told him that if he ever used that card again, I'd have him arrested for forgery. 

 

Right now, my self-esteem has taken such a blow...with the rejection sexually, with the betrayal, with the theft of money that I had earned.  I need a counselor to help me put it all in perspective and to help me get over it, so I can move on.

 

My son has one year left in college.  This year is going to be tough for him.  He's had a job all through school, but this year, his schedule is going to be so full, that he won't be able to work.  I can't leave him when he's doing so well.  He's a good student and I won't abandon him when he's almost reached his goal...especially since leaving would be making a move back to the east coast. 

 

My daughter is getting married in the fall.  We've know this since last fall.  My husband has withdrawn $5000 for his little escapades just this year.  Now, he tells me we can't afford to pay for her wedding.  What a jerk.  I'm sick....just sick.  It's all I think about.  I can't sleep well.  And he sleeps like a freaking baby.  I feel like setting his alarm clock for 3AM just so he'll get a big wake up call in the middle of the night.

 

I don't know what to do. I have so many responsibilites I have to consider.  I wish my dad was still alive.

I can identify with what your saying so much its like reading something I wrote myself.  I'm so glad that you are going for counselling, maybe it will help you get a perspective on things.  You need that right now.  Does he know that your going? Has he offered to go get help? Like a good thearipist that deals in sexual addictions?  Does he make any effort to patch things up with you, or is he still silent and withdrawn?

 

The fact that you have a son to still help out is rough, and its even worse that he has spent the money that was suppose to go towards your daughters wedding.  Like that is just plain crap!

 

He needs a wake up call, and I don't just mean his alarm going off.. although that would be nice!  You have so much on your plate, what would it take to shake this man up?

 

You were very smart to make copies, at least you have evidence of what he has done.  They might come in very handy when divorce time rolls around. Is there anything you can do legally right now?  It seems like he is getting off scott free from this mess he has created.  How about putting your hand out each pay day and making him give you a certain amount towards repayment? Or set up a seperate bank account in your own name that he doesn't know or have access to?  Take money out of your joint account and put it in your account little by little till its paid off?  You need to take the financial control away from him and put it in your hands, I'm sure that your more than capable of looking after the finances better than he has done?

 

Self-esteem.. boys hear you on that as well.  I feel so awful about myself that it isn't even funny!  I thought that meeting this man at 45yrs old, that I had hit the jackpot and that he would never do this to me.. I was wrong. Now I firmly believe that men just can not stop acting on their own sexual desires long enough to think about anyone else but themselves.  Mine is trying to patch things up, but having him close to me makes my skin crawl.  Personally I never want to have another relationship with a man ever again, I'm so sick of it always being about sex, about their dick.. If our house sells, I will move on and live happily knowing that I never have to worry about trusting some man again, cooking for him, doing his laundry, I will be able to do what I want to do instead of being used.  I can hardly wait for that day.

 

In the mean time life hasnt' changed one bit, we still don't talk about anything important..maybe the weather or whats coming on tv.  We use one word sentences to answer each other. He goes to his games, plays his golf.. and doesn't care what he has done to our relationship as long as he gets what he wants.  I dont' think about what he has done unless I come on here to the board.  He is dead as far as I am concerned.. the person I was in love with is dead to me because this person is a stranger now.

 

I wish my father was still alive also, as old as I am.. I still could really use a good heart to heart with my Dad.

 

Keep in touch if you like, my email is listed under my profile~Red

 
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