Quote From: weblizard We first began dating in college- we bonded as friends first, then as lovers. When he came to see me at graduation, he met my parents; actually, he had met my father previously, when he was a student of his, when we were first dating. Believe me, this was a surprise to both of us; my last name isn't rare, and I hadn't mentioned he was teaching at the university. In any case, my father did not take it well, and came to my apartment several days later, and threatened to disown me if I continued the relationship. Why? my SO is black, and I am white. Not-my-daughter still lives out there...
So, into the closet we went. Yes, it was sad and frustrating, keeping an important part of my life from my family, but I didn't want to give up either one.
We had gone through a rough patch about 4 years later, I broke up with him, and shortly after, began a relationship with a coworker. In retrospect, the coworker helped precipitate the breakup, but I was young and dumber then. This man (white) was accepted by my family, and all went well, for a while. He turned out to be quite the bundle of pathology- lying, cheating, gaslighting- and I had actually been engaged to him. He finally left me for another woman; people in the ward he had transferred to told me his ways hadn't changed. Thank God he moved to the West Coast and out of my life.
I got in touch with SO, since he had been my best friend before I left him, and we renewed the friendship- he got me through hell, to be blunt, when he could have said "serves you right for leaving me for him". Time passed- I had declared a relationship moratorium for about a year, and he was dating someone at the time. Later, after he stopped dating her (amicably, they are still friends), and I felt ready to be involved again, we renewed the relationship. Years passed- I was living about 65 miles away, working on my Ph.D, and I moved back into the area where he lived. Still living in the closet with regards to my dad- my mom I finally confided in.
A couple of years later, I was stressed out because I had completely changed careers, and had a 2-hour-a-day commute to boot, and I pulled away from him, then broke up with him. Not because of another man, but because I thought that was the only thing that could give at that point. Stupid, yes, and I hurt him badly. About 6 months later, we reconciled, and after some healing time, got back on track again.
A couple more years passed (I'm skipping things like career issues and such, but we were always there for each other), and I was planning to buy the home I was renting. We had been talking about moving in together, and marriage, and I decided that I needed to resolve things with my dad. Maybe because of the years gone past, or other things that had happened in our family since- he accepted the SO, and in the last couple of years he had become a wonderful part of my family.
So why hadn't he moved in yet? I'm one of those people with *major* clutter problems- no animal waste- I've seen those shows- mostly paper, paper, paper, and crafts stuff- too much stuff. I'd made some inroads, but not much, not enough. He worried about my safety, and that I was crowding him out so he couldn't move in. I had started to worry about that, too, when my own annus horribilis began this spring. He already had been moving boxes into the basement- we were making some progress, when my life went all to hell.
So, when I was deeply depressed, and trying to hide from the world, and getting my meds increased (good-bye sex drive)- I spent less time with him, we were rarely intimate, and I didn't want to keep burdening him with the rotten things I was going through- he's been going through grief at work, too. He didn't want to add to my stress by telling me his concerns, so he began confiding in his family, his friends- including a woman who's been his friend since childhood. She was a friend of mine, too. At the time he went to see her, he thought I was leaving him again. He had never seen me truly depressed before, did not know that was why I was isolating myself, and I've told you what happened since. There's been anger, tears, frustration, and confusion on both our parts since.
Right now, he's off with her; he told me it would be separate rooms, and that he would not be intimate with her. He is genuinely afraid he has destroyed both our relationship and his friendship with her. You'd have to know him- he is usually honest to an extreme- in his job, he could get involved in corruption and bribery and all that- and everyone knows that would never happen. It's one of the things I admire about him. So I am trying to take his promise at face value; I knew something was very wrong as soon as he came back from visiting her when they became intimate, last month. I confirmed what happened only a couple of days later. He would not be able to conceal a lie now, I believe. He knows that honesty is one of the things necessary to save this relationship, if that is what happens.
So there it is- he arrived there yesterday; he said he will call me each night. He'll be back Thursday, and I guess we will resolve where we are going then. I have contributed to this situation; I am not a victim. So please, don't call him a rat bastard yet- I've been there, believe me- and will not tolerate such behaviour again. He is the only man in my life whose ass would not already have been kicked and gone by now- we've been together about 20 years all told, and I'm hoping we will get through this and this will only be a sad point in our history someday.
Sorry if I've raved on too long-please wish me luck and strength in the days to come- I'll need both. Advice welcomed and appreciated- it'll be a long couple of days.
I'll check back in by the end of the week.
pressing on regardless,
Weblizard
I am going to tell you some things you probably already know.
- Living in the closet is a bad idea.
- You don't make very good choices in men.
- You thrive on drama and SO is your fallback position when things get rough.
- The drama and clutter are related. Professional help is in order.
- You are a well-educated woman. Hire help to get the house cleaned out.
- You have TAUGHT this man how to treat you.
- PUHLEEZ-seperate rooms and no intimacy; don't be a fool.
- The five minute phone call every nite is no magic cure.
This is going to be a long road to recovery and will require counseling and a change of medication. Also both of you need to test for AIDS/STDs now and again in six months. And pray his bed buddy doesn't get pregnant. He probably has not used a condom at all.
