Topic : Cheated On

Im sorry but unfortunatly it is not always that easy to say bye-bye. Some of us have children and a lot invested in our relationships. When you really love someone it doesnt go away by saying goodbye. One or both people will most likely move onto another toxic relationship without really working it out.  

I just told my husband this morning "I can put up with a lot of things from men but if you EVER cheat on me, you won't have a chance to walk out the door...the neighbors will witness you flying head first out the window".   I even went as far as to say  (not seriously) that I would rather him beat the living crap out of me than to cheat on me...I could probably at least forgive him for that.   

I absolutely cannot deal with a cheating man.  You know the old saying...once a cheater, always a cheater.  My dad cheated on my mother and my ex-husband cheated on me.  I just think there is no excuse for cheating whether it be a man or a woman doing the cheating.  (And we all know that women are just as capable as men are of cheating) 

I read your story and my heart knows your pain. I was married for 8 years when I found out that my husband had an affair with my best friend. Not only that he got her pregnant and they had a baby together. They got married and have been for the past 10 years. It's taken me a long time to sort everything out and I still don't have it all together. I decided a long time ago that I would forgive him and her not neccessarily for their benefit but for mine. I knew that if I didn't that it would be like a cancer growing inside of me that would eventually destroy me. Now understand that this has taken years and was a gradual process. Now I have a good relationship with him and his wife and we're able to work together for the sake of our 3 kids. 

I just recently started some counselling....I tried yrs. ago but was never able to find someone that I felt comfortable with. I came to realize that it wasn't that I wasn't a good wife. In fact it had NOTHING to do with me. It was what was going on inside of him and his mind. I was finally able to let this go and stop blamming myself. I did the best as a wif e that I knew at the time. I wasn't perfect and certainly did and said things that I shouln't have but that still does NOT justify his affair.  

I always thought that I lost everything and now realize that I lost nothing bec. I didn't have anything. Our marriage was dead. As for my friend I now know that she was never a real friend to begin with. She was envious of what she thought that I had and selfish. So I didn't loose anything. 

I hope that this helps somewhat. Please don't make the mistake that I made and blame yourself. IT WASN"T YOUR FAULT. IT WASN'T ABOUT YOU......IT WAS HIS SICKNESS AND STATE OF MIND. 

I noticed in your profile that you live in Missouri. My boyfriend lives there and right now I'm here a lot visiting. If you want e-mail me, would like to help in any way that I can since we're wearing the same shoes. 

As always, reading the posts, I am amazed that so many women actually will find excuses for men who cheat.  

Maybe it's not always 'finding excuses' that you see, but rather some women love their families enough, including the husband, that they would rather find out the REAL reason why it happened, work on the problem and save the marriage, rather than run. 

Taking the easy way out is not always the best thing to do. 

How is leaving someone that you love, taking the easy way out?  I would hope that if one of my parents had an affair they would love my brother and me enough to get out of a bad marriage and to show us to have self-respect and what a true relationship is about, instead of trying to save a sinking marriage.   

Also, communication is key to any marriage, that is done once someone steps out.  If someone wants to stay in a marriage that there are affairs, that is their business, but it doesnt make them better then someone that leaves.  Some know that once an affair happens, even though they love that person deeply, they will never be able to trust that person again, doesnt make them better or worse, they just know what they can handle. 

How is leaving someone that you love, taking the easy way out?   

Because you not only have to get over the pain of the affair, but you also have to rebuild your relationship.  It takes a lot of work to get to the bottom of why someone cheated, face your own faults, then to get to the point of forgiveness...then, rebuild the relationship to where it should've been prior to cheating when and only when that is accomplished. 

Leaving, you only have to get over him, not the affair, not the humbleness of owning up to your own wrong doings and certainly not the pain you go through when doing that, all while pretending to be strong for the sake of the kids, other family members and friends. 

I would hope that if one of my parents had an affair they would love my brother and me enough to get out of a bad marriage and to show us to have self-respect and what a true relationship is about, instead of trying to save a sinking marriage.    

I would too, if there is no hope for rebuilding the marriage. 

If someone wants to stay in a marriage that there are affairs, that is their business, but it doesnt make them better then someone that leaves. 

I never said someone is better if they stay.  I simply said it is tougher to stay than it is to leave.  I have done both, so I think I can make a fair judgement on that. 

Some know that once an affair happens, even though they love that person deeply, they will never be able to trust that person again, 

Sure, you can, which is why I say it's tougher to stay and rebuild, than it is to leave.  You don't just start trusting because you want to.  You have to work at it...and work hard at it.  

I've read some of your posts and I am wondering if you have any advice for me. You obviously understand that these situations aren't always black and white. My original post is above.