Topic : Cheated On

Number of Replies: 4954
New Messages This Week: 15
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:01:22 pm
Author : dataimport
If your partner's been unfaithful, find support here. General talk and debate about infidelity can be found in our Infidelity discussion.

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October 31, 2005, 1:50 pm PST

Well Said!!!!

Quote From: khsandiego

As always, reading the posts, I am amazed that so many women actually will find excuses for men who cheat.  I found out that my fiancee was cheating.  I gave him 24 hours to get out, and never want to see or hear from him again.  Why you say?  Because anybody who doesn't know how to communicate his/her frustrations and finds someone else who will "listen," is immature, immoral and unworthy.   At least keep your self-esteem, ladies or gentlemen, but don't give "them" the opportunity to "come clean" and try to justify their behavior.   Out they go, and onward we move. 

  

I just told my husband this morning "I can put up with a lot of things from men but if you EVER cheat on me, you won't have a chance to walk out the door...the neighbors will witness you flying head first out the window".   I even went as far as to say  (not seriously) that I would rather him beat the living crap out of me than to cheat on me...I could probably at least forgive him for that.   

I absolutely cannot deal with a cheating man.  You know the old saying...once a cheater, always a cheater.  My dad cheated on my mother and my ex-husband cheated on me.  I just think there is no excuse for cheating whether it be a man or a woman doing the cheating.  (And we all know that women are just as capable as men are of cheating) 

 
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October 31, 2005, 2:08 pm PST

It had nothing to do with you!!!!

Quote From: pkshd5

ok never done this before but here i go.

I was married almost 14 years and have 4 kids. My husband cheated on me w/ my best friend and left me and our 4 kids to be with her. Now they are married and just had a baby 1 week ago. This just happened 9 months ago. Our divorce wasn't done until January 2005. Do the math? My kids are my #1 concern. My ex- husband has turned their world upside down and they have a hard time even going over to his house. It has done a number on me also. How could either one of them do that? How could someone you love and trust so darely destroy your life? I have a thousand question w/ no answers. Was I that bad of a wife and thats why he did it? After 9 months its still tares me apart. Never thought he would ever cheat on me. Was I just nieve to think that? Thanks for letting me vent!

I read your story and my heart knows your pain. I was married for 8 years when I found out that my husband had an affair with my best friend. Not only that he got her pregnant and they had a baby together. They got married and have been for the past 10 years. It's taken me a long time to sort everything out and I still don't have it all together. I decided a long time ago that I would forgive him and her not neccessarily for their benefit but for mine. I knew that if I didn't that it would be like a cancer growing inside of me that would eventually destroy me. Now understand that this has taken years and was a gradual process. Now I have a good relationship with him and his wife and we're able to work together for the sake of our 3 kids. 

I just recently started some counselling....I tried yrs. ago but was never able to find someone that I felt comfortable with. I came to realize that it wasn't that I wasn't a good wife. In fact it had NOTHING to do with me. It was what was going on inside of him and his mind. I was finally able to let this go and stop blamming myself. I did the best as a wif e that I knew at the time. I wasn't perfect and certainly did and said things that I shouln't have but that still does NOT justify his affair.  

I always thought that I lost everything and now realize that I lost nothing bec. I didn't have anything. Our marriage was dead. As for my friend I now know that she was never a real friend to begin with. She was envious of what she thought that I had and selfish. So I didn't loose anything. 

I hope that this helps somewhat. Please don't make the mistake that I made and blame yourself. IT WASN"T YOUR FAULT. IT WASN'T ABOUT YOU......IT WAS HIS SICKNESS AND STATE OF MIND. 

I noticed in your profile that you live in Missouri. My boyfriend lives there and right now I'm here a lot visiting. If you want e-mail me, would like to help in any way that I can since we're wearing the same shoes. 

  

 
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October 31, 2005, 2:10 pm PST

Cheated On

Quote From: khsandiego

As always, reading the posts, I am amazed that so many women actually will find excuses for men who cheat.  I found out that my fiancee was cheating.  I gave him 24 hours to get out, and never want to see or hear from him again.  Why you say?  Because anybody who doesn't know how to communicate his/her frustrations and finds someone else who will "listen," is immature, immoral and unworthy.   At least keep your self-esteem, ladies or gentlemen, but don't give "them" the opportunity to "come clean" and try to justify their behavior.   Out they go, and onward we move. 

  

As always, reading the posts, I am amazed that so many women actually will find excuses for men who cheat.  

  

Maybe it's not always 'finding excuses' that you see, but rather some women love their families enough, including the husband, that they would rather find out the REAL reason why it happened, work on the problem and save the marriage, rather than run. 

 

Taking the easy way out is not always the best thing to do. 

 
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October 31, 2005, 2:30 pm PST

I am rather confused

Quote From: smitty0099

As always, reading the posts, I am amazed that so many women actually will find excuses for men who cheat.  

  

Maybe it's not always 'finding excuses' that you see, but rather some women love their families enough, including the husband, that they would rather find out the REAL reason why it happened, work on the problem and save the marriage, rather than run. 

 

Taking the easy way out is not always the best thing to do. 

How is leaving someone that you love, taking the easy way out?  I would hope that if one of my parents had an affair they would love my brother and me enough to get out of a bad marriage and to show us to have self-respect and what a true relationship is about, instead of trying to save a sinking marriage.   

  

Also, communication is key to any marriage, that is done once someone steps out.  If someone wants to stay in a marriage that there are affairs, that is their business, but it doesnt make them better then someone that leaves.  Some know that once an affair happens, even though they love that person deeply, they will never be able to trust that person again, doesnt make them better or worse, they just know what they can handle. 

 
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October 31, 2005, 3:25 pm PST

Conufsed

My husband and I were married for 6 years. His daughter was 11 when we married. I adopted her 3 years ago.  I thought we had a good relationship.  Over that period of time, however, on a few occasions when he got mad at me, I found out that he had been advertising online for other women. When I confronted him he cried, said he loved me and wanted us to stay together. We did have marriage counseling.  In August, 4 days after my mom came home from open heart surgery, he came in and told me he wanted a divorce, that he had never loved me, he had only used me to raise his daughter.  He walked out the door and left both of us.  I went back home (290 miles away) for 2 days to talk to him to see if we could work it out.  He said he wanted me to stay both days but on the second day after calling his girlfriend, he told me to leave.  Evidently he had asked her to lunch because she told him he had "beautiful eyes".  I worshipped the ground he walked on. I sacrificed things for myself so that he could have whatever he wanted.  I always told him how sexy and cute he was.  I have filed for a divorce but I dont want to go through with it.  He says he did love me and he has apologized for hurting us but he said things have gone to far and he cant turn back now. He said he has ruined too many lives.  Whose lives are more important....mine and his daughter's or his girlfriends?  I feel so used. I dont get out. I just stay at home. I feel totally isolated from the world because I feel if I wasnt good enough for him, then I am not good enough for anyone else.
 
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October 31, 2005, 4:11 pm PST

crazy sister?

 My little sister is dating a guy who cheated on her, and I can't understand it.  It's driving me crazy.

She's in college in New York City.  They became interested in each other just before their summer vacation in May 2005.  According to my sister, he's a wonderful guy.  She was definitely interested, but he was not cerain because he had doubts due to their religious differences--she's mildly Catholic, while he's trying to be a committed Protestant.

While she was in another country studying for the summer, he slept with some girl he met in summer session in New York.

And then, when she came back to NY, he told her that he slept with this other girl, but that he is still interested in my sister.  He says all this nonsense that "yeah, you shouldn't get back together with me."  But, it's not like he's leaving her alone.

So, at first, my sister tells me she won't get back with him but that she still wants to be friends.  Since they get along so well, and she thinks he's such a nice guy.  At least he was honest enough to tell her about the cheating, blah blah.  I told her to stay away from him, because you can't be _friends_ with a guy who you're seriously attracted to.

But now, she'd dating him.  Argh!!  This is her first boyfriend, because she has been so careful in the past to avoid being in useless relationships.  I know she would tell me to get the heck away from my guy if he did this to me.  But she gives me every excuse in the book to stay with this useless cheater.  I know she has some self-esteem issues.  Becfause he's so 'nice & friendly,' he gets along with lots of people (has lots of friends who are girls).  I think she thinks he's so great because so many peole like him and he's fun and they connect personality-wise.  But the fact is he CHEATED ... and had casual sex with some girl he just met.

I don't know what to do.  How do I convince her she's making a big mistake?  How do I get her out of this relationship before he hurts her again?  Is there anything I can do?

concerned big sister
 
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October 31, 2005, 4:20 pm PST

Cheated On

Quote From: baeiouy

How is leaving someone that you love, taking the easy way out?  I would hope that if one of my parents had an affair they would love my brother and me enough to get out of a bad marriage and to show us to have self-respect and what a true relationship is about, instead of trying to save a sinking marriage.   

  

Also, communication is key to any marriage, that is done once someone steps out.  If someone wants to stay in a marriage that there are affairs, that is their business, but it doesnt make them better then someone that leaves.  Some know that once an affair happens, even though they love that person deeply, they will never be able to trust that person again, doesnt make them better or worse, they just know what they can handle. 

How is leaving someone that you love, taking the easy way out?   

  

Because you not only have to get over the pain of the affair, but you also have to rebuild your relationship.  It takes a lot of work to get to the bottom of why someone cheated, face your own faults, then to get to the point of forgiveness...then, rebuild the relationship to where it should've been prior to cheating when and only when that is accomplished. 

 

Leaving, you only have to get over him, not the affair, not the humbleness of owning up to your own wrong doings and certainly not the pain you go through when doing that, all while pretending to be strong for the sake of the kids, other family members and friends. 

 

I would hope that if one of my parents had an affair they would love my brother and me enough to get out of a bad marriage and to show us to have self-respect and what a true relationship is about, instead of trying to save a sinking marriage.    

  

I would too, if there is no hope for rebuilding the marriage. 

 

If someone wants to stay in a marriage that there are affairs, that is their business, but it doesnt make them better then someone that leaves. 

 

I never said someone is better if they stay.  I simply said it is tougher to stay than it is to leave.  I have done both, so I think I can make a fair judgement on that. 

 

Some know that once an affair happens, even though they love that person deeply, they will never be able to trust that person again, 

 

Sure, you can, which is why I say it's tougher to stay and rebuild, than it is to leave.  You don't just start trusting because you want to.  You have to work at it...and work hard at it.  

 
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October 31, 2005, 6:18 pm PST

Smitty009... can you help?

Quote From: despwife15

I have been with my husband for 3 years, married for over 1 year. We are in our late twenties and were high school sweethearts that reconnected. I am a very suspicous person when it comes to males because I grew up around the worst of them so I fear the worst. I have always checked up on my husband to see if he might be cheated or lying about anything. He went out of town for a couple of weeks with a huge group of male coworkers. They are in the military and they drank a lot and spent a lot of time at the bar during the trip.  My husband and I had been fighting badly just before this trip and while he was gone. Also our relationship was in need of work due to lack of communication and intimacy. After he came home I was suspicous that something had happened because I knew he got really drunk a couple of times and he acts totally out of character when he is drunk (and never remembers it), which is why he had quit drinking up until this trip. A couple of weeks after he came home a girl from where he had been text messaged his cell phone. I didn't get to read it but it made me more suspicous. So I called her and she said that she didn't know my husband was married and that she met him and some other guys while they were staying at the hotel where she worked. She said nothing happened between them. A couple of months later I refused to let it go even though we started marriage counseling (his idea) and my husband swore that he didn't cheat. So I text  messaged this girl back and let her think I was my husband and she told me "what kind of a man cheats on his wife, you could have at least mentioned her".  So he had no choice but to fadmit to it, finally. He says it happened after he came back to the hotel (where she was at the time, but not working) from the bar and he was really drunk and doesn't remember hardly anything that night, besides being at the bar. The girl said that he talked to her several times (while his friends were there talking to her as well) and that he flirted with the girls that worked there as did his friends. He admitted that he did flirt and that he didn't mention that he was married because we were fighting and I was a sore dubject and he enjoyed the attention he got from them but he thought it was innocent because they were at work and he never seen any of them outside of work. He also says that he never wanted anything to happen and he was just extremely scared and that's why he lied about it (we have a one year old daughter that he loves very much and is afraid to lose). I remember talking to him the day after he cheated and he sat on the phone with me for almost 2 hours and was really quiet and I knew something was wrong since it was very odd that he wanted to just sit on the phone with me for so long. He was obviously feeling guilty. He said now that he was just hoping the words would come out of his mouth that he cheated. This girl is now telling me that my husband came on to her strongly and asked her to his room a couple of times and told her she was beautiful etc. and that if he was just looking to cheat on me that he shouldn't have put so much effort into her. He says these are all lies. She did say that the night they had sex he didn't ask her to his room, she just helped him because he was so drunk. I don't know who to believe because I can't believe either of them. He says he didn't feel like he was blatently flirting, that it was just conversation, and he blames the cheating on alcohol. I seen pictures of the girl which makes me want to believe that he didn't intentionally cheat and wasn't attracted to her because she is overweight and unattractive, not at all his type and basically the worst looking girl I've known him to ever be with. So even though in one sense it seems clear that it was a drunken mistake, and I am  still torn between believing that some innocent conversation and flirting went too far with a lot of alcohol vs. him intentionally looking to cheat on me. Of course I am now questioning who he is as a person entirely. Maybe he did have intentions and maybe he's even cheated before and is just a deceitful person, I don't know. Even if he wasn't intending on doing anything and just got really drunk and "blacked out", can that be forgiven? I always said I would never forgive anyone for cheating on me.

I've read some of your posts and I am wondering if you have any advice for me. You obviously understand that these situations aren't always black and white. My original post is above.  

  

 
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October 31, 2005, 8:33 pm PST

husband lying

Hi. 

I'm in a bit of a predicament...I was just married this June...problem is my husband lies to me about everything.  And to top it off I suspect he is having multiple affairs.   In December he hired one of his ex-girlfriends to be his assistant/secretary.  I asked him not to hire her but he did so anyway...he said they're just "best friends".  She worked for him for over a month before I even knew about it.  We've had many horrible arguements about that one and it always ends up with him saying she's his best friend and that she will be staying.  That hurts.  I also found him writing many other women on the internet...including his ex-fiance.  He and his ex-fiance were writing very mushy love letters to each other...I asked him to stop.  They stopped writing love letters to each other but they still kept in contact...she emails him frequently and he 

lied to me about writing her still.  Is it possible for a man to have so many women just as friends?  And is it fair to me to ask him to not write these other women?  His assistant and him share an email acct now and he has hidden the password from me so that I won't see who's writing him.  He has lied so much about his past, his money, what he does, etc.  He tells me that many of these things are none of my business.  He says that I am the only one.  He says that I'm the one that he married and that he doesn't have sex with any of these women...but ever since he hired his secretary we very seldom make love...he went to the MD and got Viagra...he blames his lack of desire on health problems...maybe...I feel so lonely all of the time...the other day we got into a huge disagreement and he didn't come home that night...that's when he changed his email acct so that I couldn't see it...I didn't sleep or eat for 2 days while he was gone...I kept calling him a million times to talk it out and finally he answered and said that I was driving him crazy.  He promised to come home and to not stay out overnight ever again.  Also, since hiring his friend he leaves home at 5 AM and doesn't come home until 8 PM...he says he's working alone but when I call there she's there with him...Should he be accountable?  Am I being overly paranoid?  He also gets his mail at his son's house and at his work...shouldn't  he get his mail here?  I think that his son helps him hide things because he knows my husband's assistant and likes her(they all used to live together). I married this guy because for the first year of our relationship he treated me like a queen...we never fought...we always got along...he is very intellegent and funny.  But now I feel as if our relationship was all built on lies and that he wants his cake and he wants to eat it to...in other words I feel as if I'm being strung along...is there a way to fix this?  I've tried to talk to him but he just belittles me and it ends up horribly...any body out there who can offer suggestions...oh and I've had trouble setting boundaries in my other relationships and this feels like deja vu.  Thanks for listening. 


 

 
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November 1, 2005, 5:51 am PST

Cheated On

Quote From: notdrruth

Please whatever you do, don't try to take your own life again.  It's a permanent answer to a temporary problem.  Honestly, what do you want to see happen from this point?  I wish men would see the devastation that their affair can be on a marriage, not only the wife but kids too.  It's not your job to fix what your husbands actions have done to your children, but as a mother we both know of this incredible overwhelming feeling to protect them from harm.  Also remember that what choices you make, they learn from.  I have two daughters myself and I can't tell you the mistakes I have made when it comes to dating and reacting to situations in front on my girls.  I just want them to be strong and make good decisions.  Your feelings of being tricked and all screwed up are justifiable.  How much more do you have to endure?  How does he feel about the baby?  Is this something that your willing to let go?  The biggest question I have for you, How long did this affair last?  Do you really know?  It takes balls to bring this chic into your house, that shows lack of respect for you and your home on his part!  Has there ever been any physical abuse from him, we already know there is emotional abuse, whether direct or indirect.  You need to time heal your heart, and  you can't do that till the hurting stops.  Keep your head up.  Take control of your own life, he did the crime but your doing the time, and that needs to stop.  Good Luck to you. 

  

  

    I really can't think of what I was thinking... it was so strange.... It's like everything happened so fast, moving, feeling he had pulled away... he was calling her all the time so I should have known something was wrong... then finding out so suddenly and realizing... I married him right out of highschool... we were together all the time except when he was working... and even then all these years he calls me from work 10 times a day....he was my whole world. That was my mistake everything I did day to day was either child or husband related. I had no outside friendships - ever... no family and never had a job... in my entire life. So when this happened my identity was stolen and I also realized I could never stand on my own, he'd have little money to give me and I have no experience or background to get  a job and I'm in Oklahoma, a place hurting for jobs anyway, in the middle of nowhere. I realized there was no way out and felt he was likely to leave as he felt he loved her and she's younger and thinner and prettier. So I snapped litterally... I'm still in shock over what I did, I really don't remember the entire morning, it's like my mind just blanked out. In therepy he said the affair, emotionally built up over a year, but swears it was on the last day the blow job happened, because (get this) "I was her boss and I didn't want to have anything happen because it would be unethical" I laughed, he has more ethics at work than for a 18 year marriage! And I really believe it's true because things like that are important to him. So then we moved and he brought her here for some unknown reason.... He was never physically abusive... but mentally VERY manipulative. he could talk anyone into anything... he has a very magnetic personallity. People love and respect him, so his ego is huge... I really hate that too I would love to tell people what he did because everyone thinks so highly of him it makes me want to puke. But I stay quietly in the shadows for some unknown reason. Actually I know the reason... when we were young I was the strong one he was the weak one but over time it's like he fed off of me... he became strong and just swallowed me up. Does that make sense? Right now I can't say what I want to happen, I'm so low, I just live hour to hour and breathing takes effort... I stopped being super mom, gave up, became mom who lies in bed all day... but I still let him do me every damn day for what reason I do not know. He LOVES the baby - of course- he's thrilled... All of our kids are girls, little blonde hair blue eyed beauties..he loves parading them around... my next to oldest hates going out with us because she feels it strokes his ego... this one is a girl too so he's really excited about that...he says he wants to be super dad now, that he wasn't involved enough before because of his drinking (which is true, I don't remember him ever changing even one diaper) so with this one he wants to do everything. The thing is I don't trust this turn around, you see he's the type of guy who goes on these kicks... projects, he gets all obsessive and puts his whole self into whatever it is, but after a while he'll move onto a new thing. I realize this change has been going about a year now but he has done that before, (becoming Catholic took him a year, now he's Buddhist) so... I wonder when he'll drop this... I'm not making it easy for him... so I figure it won't be long and if he wants to be super dad he can... I'll let him see how hard it is. Likely he'll rise to the challenge and everyone will admire him. It makes me sick.  

 

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