Topic : Cheated On

I just told my husband this morning "I can put up with a lot of things from men but if you EVER cheat on me, you won't have a chance to walk out the door...the neighbors will witness you flying head first out the window".   I even went as far as to say  (not seriously) that I would rather him beat the living crap out of me than to cheat on me...I could probably at least forgive him for that.   

I absolutely cannot deal with a cheating man.  You know the old saying...once a cheater, always a cheater.  My dad cheated on my mother and my ex-husband cheated on me.  I just think there is no excuse for cheating whether it be a man or a woman doing the cheating.  (And we all know that women are just as capable as men are of cheating) 

I read your story and my heart knows your pain. I was married for 8 years when I found out that my husband had an affair with my best friend. Not only that he got her pregnant and they had a baby together. They got married and have been for the past 10 years. It's taken me a long time to sort everything out and I still don't have it all together. I decided a long time ago that I would forgive him and her not neccessarily for their benefit but for mine. I knew that if I didn't that it would be like a cancer growing inside of me that would eventually destroy me. Now understand that this has taken years and was a gradual process. Now I have a good relationship with him and his wife and we're able to work together for the sake of our 3 kids. 

I just recently started some counselling....I tried yrs. ago but was never able to find someone that I felt comfortable with. I came to realize that it wasn't that I wasn't a good wife. In fact it had NOTHING to do with me. It was what was going on inside of him and his mind. I was finally able to let this go and stop blamming myself. I did the best as a wif e that I knew at the time. I wasn't perfect and certainly did and said things that I shouln't have but that still does NOT justify his affair.  

I always thought that I lost everything and now realize that I lost nothing bec. I didn't have anything. Our marriage was dead. As for my friend I now know that she was never a real friend to begin with. She was envious of what she thought that I had and selfish. So I didn't loose anything. 

I hope that this helps somewhat. Please don't make the mistake that I made and blame yourself. IT WASN"T YOUR FAULT. IT WASN'T ABOUT YOU......IT WAS HIS SICKNESS AND STATE OF MIND. 

I noticed in your profile that you live in Missouri. My boyfriend lives there and right now I'm here a lot visiting. If you want e-mail me, would like to help in any way that I can since we're wearing the same shoes. 

As always, reading the posts, I am amazed that so many women actually will find excuses for men who cheat.  

Maybe it's not always 'finding excuses' that you see, but rather some women love their families enough, including the husband, that they would rather find out the REAL reason why it happened, work on the problem and save the marriage, rather than run. 

Taking the easy way out is not always the best thing to do. 

How is leaving someone that you love, taking the easy way out?  I would hope that if one of my parents had an affair they would love my brother and me enough to get out of a bad marriage and to show us to have self-respect and what a true relationship is about, instead of trying to save a sinking marriage.   

Also, communication is key to any marriage, that is done once someone steps out.  If someone wants to stay in a marriage that there are affairs, that is their business, but it doesnt make them better then someone that leaves.  Some know that once an affair happens, even though they love that person deeply, they will never be able to trust that person again, doesnt make them better or worse, they just know what they can handle. 

How is leaving someone that you love, taking the easy way out?   

Because you not only have to get over the pain of the affair, but you also have to rebuild your relationship.  It takes a lot of work to get to the bottom of why someone cheated, face your own faults, then to get to the point of forgiveness...then, rebuild the relationship to where it should've been prior to cheating when and only when that is accomplished. 

Leaving, you only have to get over him, not the affair, not the humbleness of owning up to your own wrong doings and certainly not the pain you go through when doing that, all while pretending to be strong for the sake of the kids, other family members and friends. 

I would hope that if one of my parents had an affair they would love my brother and me enough to get out of a bad marriage and to show us to have self-respect and what a true relationship is about, instead of trying to save a sinking marriage.    

I would too, if there is no hope for rebuilding the marriage. 

If someone wants to stay in a marriage that there are affairs, that is their business, but it doesnt make them better then someone that leaves. 

I never said someone is better if they stay.  I simply said it is tougher to stay than it is to leave.  I have done both, so I think I can make a fair judgement on that. 

Some know that once an affair happens, even though they love that person deeply, they will never be able to trust that person again, 

Sure, you can, which is why I say it's tougher to stay and rebuild, than it is to leave.  You don't just start trusting because you want to.  You have to work at it...and work hard at it.  

I've read some of your posts and I am wondering if you have any advice for me. You obviously understand that these situations aren't always black and white. My original post is above.  

Hi. 

I'm in a bit of a predicament...I was just married this June...problem is my husband lies to me about everything.  And to top it off I suspect he is having multiple affairs.   In December he hired one of his ex-girlfriends to be his assistant/secretary.  I asked him not to hire her but he did so anyway...he said they're just "best friends".  She worked for him for over a month before I even knew about it.  We've had many horrible arguements about that one and it always ends up with him saying she's his best friend and that she will be staying.  That hurts.  I also found him writing many other women on the internet...including his ex-fiance.  He and his ex-fiance were writing very mushy love letters to each other...I asked him to stop.  They stopped writing love letters to each other but they still kept in contact...she emails him frequently and he 

lied to me about writing her still.  Is it possible for a man to have so many women just as friends?  And is it fair to me to ask him to not write these other women?  His assistant and him share an email acct now and he has hidden the password from me so that I won't see who's writing him.  He has lied so much about his past, his money, what he does, etc.  He tells me that many of these things are none of my business.  He says that I am the only one.  He says that I'm the one that he married and that he doesn't have sex with any of these women...but ever since he hired his secretary we very seldom make love...he went to the MD and got Viagra...he blames his lack of desire on health problems...maybe...I feel so lonely all of the time...the other day we got into a huge disagreement and he didn't come home that night...that's when he changed his email acct so that I couldn't see it...I didn't sleep or eat for 2 days while he was gone...I kept calling him a million times to talk it out and finally he answered and said that I was driving him crazy.  He promised to come home and to not stay out overnight ever again.  Also, since hiring his friend he leaves home at 5 AM and doesn't come home until 8 PM...he says he's working alone but when I call there she's there with him...Should he be accountable?  Am I being overly paranoid?  He also gets his mail at his son's house and at his work...shouldn't  he get his mail here?  I think that his son helps him hide things because he knows my husband's assistant and likes her(they all used to live together). I married this guy because for the first year of our relationship he treated me like a queen...we never fought...we always got along...he is very intellegent and funny.  But now I feel as if our relationship was all built on lies and that he wants his cake and he wants to eat it to...in other words I feel as if I'm being strung along...is there a way to fix this?  I've tried to talk to him but he just belittles me and it ends up horribly...any body out there who can offer suggestions...oh and I've had trouble setting boundaries in my other relationships and this feels like deja vu.  Thanks for listening. 

    I really can't think of what I was thinking... it was so strange.... It's like everything happened so fast, moving, feeling he had pulled away... he was calling her all the time so I should have known something was wrong... then finding out so suddenly and realizing... I married him right out of highschool... we were together all the time except when he was working... and even then all these years he calls me from work 10 times a day....he was my whole world. That was my mistake everything I did day to day was either child or husband related. I had no outside friendships - ever... no family and never had a job... in my entire life. So when this happened my identity was stolen and I also realized I could never stand on my own, he'd have little money to give me and I have no experience or background to get  a job and I'm in Oklahoma, a place hurting for jobs anyway, in the middle of nowhere. I realized there was no way out and felt he was likely to leave as he felt he loved her and she's younger and thinner and prettier. So I snapped litterally... I'm still in shock over what I did, I really don't remember the entire morning, it's like my mind just blanked out. In therepy he said the affair, emotionally built up over a year, but swears it was on the last day the blow job happened, because (get this) "I was her boss and I didn't want to have anything happen because it would be unethical" I laughed, he has more ethics at work than for a 18 year marriage! And I really believe it's true because things like that are important to him. So then we moved and he brought her here for some unknown reason.... He was never physically abusive... but mentally VERY manipulative. he could talk anyone into anything... he has a very magnetic personallity. People love and respect him, so his ego is huge... I really hate that too I would love to tell people what he did because everyone thinks so highly of him it makes me want to puke. But I stay quietly in the shadows for some unknown reason. Actually I know the reason... when we were young I was the strong one he was the weak one but over time it's like he fed off of me... he became strong and just swallowed me up. Does that make sense? Right now I can't say what I want to happen, I'm so low, I just live hour to hour and breathing takes effort... I stopped being super mom, gave up, became mom who lies in bed all day... but I still let him do me every damn day for what reason I do not know. He LOVES the baby - of course- he's thrilled... All of our kids are girls, little blonde hair blue eyed beauties..he loves parading them around... my next to oldest hates going out with us because she feels it strokes his ego... this one is a girl too so he's really excited about that...he says he wants to be super dad now, that he wasn't involved enough before because of his drinking (which is true, I don't remember him ever changing even one diaper) so with this one he wants to do everything. The thing is I don't trust this turn around, you see he's the type of guy who goes on these kicks... projects, he gets all obsessive and puts his whole self into whatever it is, but after a while he'll move onto a new thing. I realize this change has been going about a year now but he has done that before, (becoming Catholic took him a year, now he's Buddhist) so... I wonder when he'll drop this... I'm not making it easy for him... so I figure it won't be long and if he wants to be super dad he can... I'll let him see how hard it is. Likely he'll rise to the challenge and everyone will admire him. It makes me sick.