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Topic : Cheated On

Number of Replies: 5029
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Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:01:22 pm
Author : dataimport
If your partner's been unfaithful, find support here. General talk and debate about infidelity can be found in our Infidelity discussion.

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August 5, 2005, 12:38 pm CDT

bluemoon

Quote From: bluemoon

Hi. I wanted to share my story and hope to find someone out there who understands how I feel and give me any advice or comment on it.  I am now wondering if I might have been doing worthless efforts to try to save our marriage and being so fool. My hus and I have been married for a year and half although we have been knowing each other for several years.

He started to act weird for last couple of months like being cold and not showing affection to me and trying to avoid my hug and kisses. Recently he told me that he has someone in his life for whom he has deep feelings and she provides him things he likes and he wants such as intimacy and excitement. When he told me the story, I felt like all the trust I had for him for years was falling and I got hurt so much and had pain and sadness all over my heart and body. I kept crying for a couple of days and wished I could disappear from where I was, so I could get out of all these horrible things around me. He keeps saying that he doesn't want to hurt me and still does love me and want to be with me and doesn't want to divorce.  However, even he said that he was full of sadness and regret for the stupid selfish things he has done after he saw me suffering from being so much in pain I got from his story, he says he will not stop seeing his lady and try to meet her as much as he can, and also asked me not to ask him to stop doing it. He just says he does not know what to do about this situation now and has no idea what's gonna happen in the future. He doesn't want to change anything right now but wants to see how things will go for a while. His lady seems to have same idea about this situation which I can understand because she is also married although they have been separated but she has had a boyfriend for years whom she says she still loves. She seems to tell my hus that she doesn't want to hurt me however she should know that does a lot.

 

 

He married three times before he married to me and everytime he ended up them with divorce and all his kids are belonging to his x-wives.

I should have realized that something was not right about him before I married to him but I was blind and just wanted to be with him at that time.

We had/has some problems after we married like most of married couples will have I think, but I have been trying to fix those problems by myself and/or with him as much as I could but it seems he just couldn't wait. This time, I found out that he is the person who doesn't try to resolve problems instead of running away from them and getting involved in another relationship where he can have things he wants and his own happiness.

 

The problem is even after I heard his story, I still love him and can't hate nor blame him to what he has done to me. I really don't like what he did and also know that what he says doesn't make any sense at all to me. It'll be very hard for me to continue to live like this and I will have to find an answer to what to do about my life. I feel like I am totally lost now. Will anyone give me any advice or comments?

Oh, honey, you sound so young and so alone.  How old are you?  How old is husband?  With three failed marriages he must be at least some older than you.   ANYONE with three failed marriages is a walking, breathing, RED FLAG.  You should have been paying more attention.  Character does not change just because someone changes bed partners.    Do you have any family or friends to turn to?  You MUST be open to help in this situation even if you have to listen to them say "I told you so."  No time for pride.  Were you the affair that ended his #3 marriage?   DO NOT SLEEP WITH THIS MAN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE.   Get to your doctor and tell him THE TRUTH.  You need to be checked for EVERY disease known to mankind and get a screening for depression.  Doctor should also be able to give you something to help you sleep.  I suggest retesting for AIDS/STDs again in six months just to be sure.  Also ask doctor for the best birth control he can recommend.  Pregnancy at this point would be disastrous. You also need a referral to a counselor.  You cannot keep this bottled up inside yourself.   You need legal advice NOW!  Find a lawyer that gives a free consult.  If that is not possible have a yard sale or float a loan.  Hubby is spending lots of your $$ on his hoochie.   Do you have ANY idea what a wagon load of crap hubby's story is?  THAT is why it makes no sense to you.  There is not a logical suggestion anywhere in his explanation.  He wants you to think the problem is you when it isn't.  IT'S HIM!  I hope you saw Dr Phil's shows this week on Wednesday and Thursday-Torn Between Two Lovers-because this is your life.  You can still find both shows on the website and ordering those shows on video if you missed them would be well worth the expense.   He says he does not want to hurt you?  Not so, or he would quit seeing this other woman.  And IF his actions are not designed to hurt you what does he expect them to do?  Raise your IQ, increase your self-confidence, elevate the balance in the checking account, what?!  EVERY ACTION has a result.    He loves you?  Another lie.  You do not treat people you love this way.   He wants to be with you?  Lie.  How much time does he spend at home compared to what he spends with the hoochie?  Time spent sleeping and in a coma in front of TV or computer does not count.   Doesn't want a divorce?  Probably telling the truth here.  The first three took everything he has or ever hopes to have.  You are probably a good cook, housekeeper and clean bed partner.  Maybe even working to help him pay all that child support.   Sadness and regret on his part?  No likely and certainly not enough to make him stop what he is doing.   Though he claims to be SO GUILTY he tells you he plans to continue things as they are and please don't ask him to stop.  ????  No, he has no idea what will happen in the future he is just gonna let it slide as long as he can manage.  His hoochie is married AND stringing another boyfriend along too.  She hasn't REALLY decided if she even wants your husband, and he needs to keep his options open with you just in case the decision goes against him.  DON'T LET HIM DO THIS.    Oh, by the way she is NO lady-she is a hoochie-and she does not care if she hurts you or anyone else.  This pathetic comment enables her to look noble in your fathead hubby's eyes.    Hubby is selfish and immature and you are right he tries to cure problems by reaching for the next new thing-generally female.  THESE PROBLEMS ARE HIS ALONE AND YOU CANNOT FIX HIM.  Please if you did not see the Dr Phil shows I spoke of order the videos.  I have never recommended this so strongly before, but your situations are so precisely the same I think it is important.   Do hoochie's husband (even if seperated) and boyfriend know what is going on?  I think they should.  Anonymous letter would be fine.  Might encourage hubby to move on with divorce and get custody of the poor kids that I feel sure are involved in this mess.   I am amazed that you say you do not hate or blame your husband for what he is doing to you.  My opinion is you should be ANGRY, UPSET, PISSED OFF, whatever you want to call it.  Anger will help you find the backbone you so desperately need and enable you to cease being his doormat.   Summation of my advice:   Doctor visit-AIDS/STD tests, depression screening, sleep aid and GREAT birth control.  You also need a referral to a counselor.  You need someone to talk to that will help you with decisions you need to make.   Quit sleeping with the idiot.   Open yourself to help from friends and family no matter how embarrassing.  And do it NOW.   Get legal advice from a great divorce lawyer.  Some give the first consult free.  If money is tight have a yard sale or float a loan from family/friends.    If there is joint accounts, half is yours.  Take it and put it in YOUR new account in YOUR name only.  Talk to lawyer about this.   Start looking for a job.  Hubby has nothing after three divorces and your marriage has been short term so you will be on your own.   If you need financial aid talk to your local assistance programs.  They can help with housing, food stamps, medical and some cash payments.  You will have to visit several offices though my state is making an effort to consolidate things.  Website is govbenefits.gov      If you need training contact your local community college.  They are great with financial aid and will even help with a work study job and child care if needed.   You do not mention financial situation, but if hubby leaves you holding the bag please think about bankruptcy.  I do not like suggesting this but sometimes it is the only option.  Bankruptcy laws have recently changed.  I love Suze Orman and she frequently speaks about bankruptcy options.  She has a column on Yahoo financial, her own show in CNBC on Saturday night and a column in O magazine as well as specials on PBS and her own books and tours.  Very informative.    
 
August 6, 2005, 8:09 am CDT

Woud a normal person believe this tale?

Recently while trying to straighten out my over the road husbands cell phone bill I found calls to an "ex" girlfriend of mine up in Illinois.  We moved to Alabama 4 years ago and I haven't talked to her since.  When I questioned him why he had called her his reply was he was trying to find an old show horse I had trained extensively and had been trying to locate and buy back since living down here.  Instantly I knew that was a crock of bull.  After a heated argument he finally admitted that comment was a lie and that he had been calling her since January of 2004.  He admitted on that first call he had just happened to be going through her (our) home town and had stopped to see her and spent the night there.  But, of course, he states he slept in the guest bedroom.  The reason he states for doing this is because I had went to Tunica, MS for a group birthday for my birthday and a couple of others that at the time frequented a horse chat room on yahoo.  I had been friends with those people for a couple years and several of those have been to our house to spend the week-end and to trail ride.  My husband knows these people and at that time said he liked them.  It was his choice on that week-end to stay gone and run the loads he had.  He had been invited and knew exactly where we were and what we were doing.  Yet he now says that is was because of that that he decided to call her and start what has turned out to be a 1 1/2 "affair".  He adamantly swears he has never had any type of sex with her and has only gave her a one armed hug.  Yet in speaking with his friends that state otherwise.  One trucking buddy remembers her being in the truck with him and having supper with him and his girlfriend another tells me that he has stated on several occasions that this female is waiting and willing for him to come live with her.  Yet to me he says he just needed someone to talk to and thats all there is to it.  Would the normal rational human believe that he is telling me the truth?  That he has only been there once but his log book and reciepts put him in that area everytime there is a call on his cell phone.  He claims that he can't remember anything that they ever talked about and the reason being is that it was never important enough to remember .  Let me state for the record this mans memory is one that he can restate verbatim, one for word, arguements we had 10 years ago.  The one thing he has admitted is that they have had several conversations about sex such as likes and dislikes and not just involving those two.  He had to drag my sexual responses into it too.  He has also admitted that his intentions on instigating these phone calls was to get laid by her.  Yet after calling her for a year and half he swears it never happened.  He was to "shy".  Even though on that first night he tells me she put herself in his face then went to the other end of the couch to pout since he didn't take advantage of her willingness.  Since then I have found porno books and tapes in his semi which he never bought before in 20 years that I'm aware of. 

  

I feel very alone here since he has contruibuted to my not talking to my old friends in the horse chat room on yahoo and I don't want to upset my ill mother.  I feel stuck since right at the present time I am off work due to a knee injury sustained at work awaiting surgery.  They haven't paid me a cent yet and they state when they do it will only be in the amount of 248.00 which isn't even close to what I need to make ends meet.  I hoping someone else has been there done this and they can help me figure out what to do.  I do love this man or I wouldn't have lived this solitary life his career choice has made me live.  Any comments or help will be deeply appreciated. 

Desperate in Alabama, 

Theresia 

 
August 6, 2005, 9:27 am CDT

To Theresia

Quote From: tcantwell

Recently while trying to straighten out my over the road husbands cell phone bill I found calls to an "ex" girlfriend of mine up in Illinois.  We moved to Alabama 4 years ago and I haven't talked to her since.  When I questioned him why he had called her his reply was he was trying to find an old show horse I had trained extensively and had been trying to locate and buy back since living down here.  Instantly I knew that was a crock of bull.  After a heated argument he finally admitted that comment was a lie and that he had been calling her since January of 2004.  He admitted on that first call he had just happened to be going through her (our) home town and had stopped to see her and spent the night there.  But, of course, he states he slept in the guest bedroom.  The reason he states for doing this is because I had went to Tunica, MS for a group birthday for my birthday and a couple of others that at the time frequented a horse chat room on yahoo.  I had been friends with those people for a couple years and several of those have been to our house to spend the week-end and to trail ride.  My husband knows these people and at that time said he liked them.  It was his choice on that week-end to stay gone and run the loads he had.  He had been invited and knew exactly where we were and what we were doing.  Yet he now says that is was because of that that he decided to call her and start what has turned out to be a 1 1/2 "affair".  He adamantly swears he has never had any type of sex with her and has only gave her a one armed hug.  Yet in speaking with his friends that state otherwise.  One trucking buddy remembers her being in the truck with him and having supper with him and his girlfriend another tells me that he has stated on several occasions that this female is waiting and willing for him to come live with her.  Yet to me he says he just needed someone to talk to and thats all there is to it.  Would the normal rational human believe that he is telling me the truth?  That he has only been there once but his log book and reciepts put him in that area everytime there is a call on his cell phone.  He claims that he can't remember anything that they ever talked about and the reason being is that it was never important enough to remember .  Let me state for the record this mans memory is one that he can restate verbatim, one for word, arguements we had 10 years ago.  The one thing he has admitted is that they have had several conversations about sex such as likes and dislikes and not just involving those two.  He had to drag my sexual responses into it too.  He has also admitted that his intentions on instigating these phone calls was to get laid by her.  Yet after calling her for a year and half he swears it never happened.  He was to "shy".  Even though on that first night he tells me she put herself in his face then went to the other end of the couch to pout since he didn't take advantage of her willingness.  Since then I have found porno books and tapes in his semi which he never bought before in 20 years that I'm aware of. 

  

I feel very alone here since he has contruibuted to my not talking to my old friends in the horse chat room on yahoo and I don't want to upset my ill mother.  I feel stuck since right at the present time I am off work due to a knee injury sustained at work awaiting surgery.  They haven't paid me a cent yet and they state when they do it will only be in the amount of 248.00 which isn't even close to what I need to make ends meet.  I hoping someone else has been there done this and they can help me figure out what to do.  I do love this man or I wouldn't have lived this solitary life his career choice has made me live.  Any comments or help will be deeply appreciated. 

Desperate in Alabama, 

Theresia 

My first advice to you is to not allow HIM to keep you from chatting with your friends on "yahoo"....that was NOT the real issue at all, he just threw that out as an excuse when he was confronted with the facts that you had in your hand (the cell phone bill) and his natural response was to try to provoke guilt in you, to make you feel like YOU forced him to do that. But I hope you know 100% that you had nothing to do with his decision to hook up with this woman, there could be many reasons he did this but its not because you went on a trail ride on your birthday with friends!! He would love for you to truly believe that. The reasons he did contact her could be many, such as boredom, or his sense of low self esteem causing him to need to feel that another woman was attracted to him, or maybe he just thought he could get away with it just for the fun of it. Whatever the true reasons are, you had no control over it. Only HE controls his actions and reactions. His story is not believable. Have you considered talking to this old friend of yours, asking her what is going on? Maybe you could call and just say, "He's already told me, now I want to hear it from you..." something like this- it could get you the rest of the story. But then you would know for sure. So where you are at right now is you know that its not true but there really isn't much you can do because you are dependant upon him for financial reasons, right? This must be  very frustrating for you. Is it possible to get him into marriage counceling? If he won't go, I think that you should go by yourself. It can be very helpful. I wish you luck! 

 
August 6, 2005, 9:33 pm CDT

Cheated On

Quote From: realgood2u

 

As I have stated before I think men have the edge on cheating, but we women are working hard to catch up.    AND what really grinds my cookies is that when women cheat we usually damage another  innocent female and her children.  I could NEVER do to another woman what has been done to me. 

 

I also believe the divorce economics issue is slowly changing-support, custody, etc.

 

Yes, infidelity is an equal opportunity situation and it hurts worse than any experience in my life, including my mother's death.

 

We usually have one or two men on this board, but I think the new format has driven them away.

 

  

Okay...I guess the conclusion one can come to is that there seems to always be one extremely selfish person in these situations, it's just that now, society accepts women cheating as well as they used to men. so what is the point of ever getting married. I am seriously disgusted with the way things are taking shape for the future (my kids). what kind of family lives and stability will there be. I really don't know how single parents can raise their children. it's so difficult to do with two parents at home. Anyway thanks for the reply. it's been three years for me, and I still haven't gotten over it. 

  

 
August 7, 2005, 3:11 pm CDT

Trying Over

   It's been awhile since I've been here. My husband and I are trying to reconnect again. He had cheated with another woman for several months. He broke it off with her and I think I can believe him that he has no contact with her. I had even called her a month after he broke it off with her and she told me they had no contact since the break. Now if I can just adjust or come to terms with the way he hurt me and somehow get over it someway to get our lives back. We will probably never be the way we were before but maybe we can make it work. 

   He says he loves me more now than ever and he never wants me to leave. He doesn't want to divorce. I just have problems believing that he truly loves me.  I have conflicting emotions about the whole situation. I cry alot very easily; I get angry (more like a blinding rage at times) and I still hate and love him at the same time. I could let the hate overtake the love but it wouldn't help me in the future. The events of the last few months would still be there. So I'm trying to put this affair somewhere that I can't think about it as much. 

   Just so you all know....I was drinking alot at one time (I told you about that) now I am not drinking to dull the pain anymore.  Things are better and I'm dealing with the past and planning for the future with my husband.    

 
August 8, 2005, 5:37 am CDT

Cheated On

Quote From: jenoc99

My first advice to you is to not allow HIM to keep you from chatting with your friends on "yahoo"....that was NOT the real issue at all, he just threw that out as an excuse when he was confronted with the facts that you had in your hand (the cell phone bill) and his natural response was to try to provoke guilt in you, to make you feel like YOU forced him to do that. But I hope you know 100% that you had nothing to do with his decision to hook up with this woman, there could be many reasons he did this but its not because you went on a trail ride on your birthday with friends!! He would love for you to truly believe that. The reasons he did contact her could be many, such as boredom, or his sense of low self esteem causing him to need to feel that another woman was attracted to him, or maybe he just thought he could get away with it just for the fun of it. Whatever the true reasons are, you had no control over it. Only HE controls his actions and reactions. His story is not believable. Have you considered talking to this old friend of yours, asking her what is going on? Maybe you could call and just say, "He's already told me, now I want to hear it from you..." something like this- it could get you the rest of the story. But then you would know for sure. So where you are at right now is you know that its not true but there really isn't much you can do because you are dependant upon him for financial reasons, right? This must be  very frustrating for you. Is it possible to get him into marriage counceling? If he won't go, I think that you should go by yourself. It can be very helpful. I wish you luck! 

Truth..what a novel idea.  One of which I have begged for in the last couple weeks.  He just keeps swearing he can't remember because it was not important to him.  Something to pass the time and get even with me for.  I feel like that as long as he keeps all the details to himself and denies everything I have found and has been told to me that he is still trying to deceive me.  Maybe in hopes of finishing the job he started???  Or maybe because the details are so bad that he thinks I couldn't deal with them.  I have told him that no actual details/truth could be as bad what I have imagined.  I have even came close to taking out a loan for the $600.00 that it would cost me to have him take a lie detectors test.  One which he swears up and down he would pass.  But then I'd be stuck paying back a loan I feel would probably put an end to our marriage.  And not because of the affair, but because he is still trying to lie his way out of it.  This whole ordeal has seemed to have gotten me into a downward spiral of obsessiveness, one which seems the more I try to climb out of the deeper I get pulled into.  Today I am going to try to find a counselor but the area I live in is pretty remote and backwards.  At least I hope it will give me something else to think about other than him and his lies. 

Still desperate in Alabama, 

Theresia 

 
August 12, 2005, 9:22 pm CDT

Get This!!

Quote From: whskywmn33

My husband has been showing signs of infidelity. This has been going on for several months now. As he will call from work, using their land-line and if he calls from his cell phone, I get emotionally disturbed. When he calls all happy or come home extremely happy I am certain he has seen someone else.  Everytime we watch something on TV involving cheating, he always looks down, and appears guilty.  He will not let me have access to his home computer password, or work password. I have called him at work saying I will come out there and take him to lunch he says NO DON'T. or THAT WOULD NOT BE A WISE THING TO DO.  I  told him someone caled and hung up, then they called again, it was a demale voice. He looked down, basically giving it away that he has seen someone else. He has an ofice in the basement of the site he is working at that has a couch and it's own private bathroom.  He frequently works overtime and weekends. I don't know what else to do.  I can't jsut pick up and go driving due to a medical condition. PI's cost too much to hire. what other tactics can I use to get to the truth?  I have contacted his exwife and she said he cheated on her, his best man has admitted to him cheating on his first wife. So, of course I'm more so on my guard. Any suggestions?
A friend gave me a # to a psychic. She has used her before. So, out of curiosity, I called the lady, she responded. Without me giving any info she immediately pointed that I was depressed, she also described past life experiences such as she said there were two  fatalities in your life. One was recent and one was years ago. Then she said she got a strong since from a female with blonde hair, and a sence from a male figure who I was close too. That my childhood was not calm, there were many family arguments and dishonesty.  I was blown away. She also descirbed my marriage. She said you are not happy and that I am married to a mean and selfish man. So, I asked her if he had cheated on me or if he is, she said he had, a few months  ago with someone who has long brown hair, brown eyes, weighing around 110 pounds. As of now he is not. HIs affair was not work rlated, but w/ someone he knows through work. What got my attention was the fact that a few months ago when my hus. and I were out dancing, he ran into someone he knew from a hospital he did work for. They spent a long time conversing and she fits the description to the tee. The psychic said her name begins with an L. When the time is right I will ask him again what her name is.  What she could describe fit his profile to a tee.  She also said that he has been and will be unfaithful again. That she senses I will be leaving him in the next 6 months. That there is a better and respectful romance that will first be friends and blossom into a love. SHe aid that the reason I haven't left is due to financial restraints. That is accurate. The most important thing I got out of talking with her was what I suspected all along. He had cheated on me. So, as she said I I know is that I need to get a job, save and strategically plan to leave him.  I am looking for employment, once I have enough money saved, I have it planned in my mind to leave him while he is at work one day. so that when he comes home it will be a slap in the face for him.
 
August 14, 2005, 10:40 am CDT

tcantwell

Quote From: tcantwell

Recently while trying to straighten out my over the road husbands cell phone bill I found calls to an "ex" girlfriend of mine up in Illinois.  We moved to Alabama 4 years ago and I haven't talked to her since.  When I questioned him why he had called her his reply was he was trying to find an old show horse I had trained extensively and had been trying to locate and buy back since living down here.  Instantly I knew that was a crock of bull.  After a heated argument he finally admitted that comment was a lie and that he had been calling her since January of 2004.  He admitted on that first call he had just happened to be going through her (our) home town and had stopped to see her and spent the night there.  But, of course, he states he slept in the guest bedroom.  The reason he states for doing this is because I had went to Tunica, MS for a group birthday for my birthday and a couple of others that at the time frequented a horse chat room on yahoo.  I had been friends with those people for a couple years and several of those have been to our house to spend the week-end and to trail ride.  My husband knows these people and at that time said he liked them.  It was his choice on that week-end to stay gone and run the loads he had.  He had been invited and knew exactly where we were and what we were doing.  Yet he now says that is was because of that that he decided to call her and start what has turned out to be a 1 1/2 "affair".  He adamantly swears he has never had any type of sex with her and has only gave her a one armed hug.  Yet in speaking with his friends that state otherwise.  One trucking buddy remembers her being in the truck with him and having supper with him and his girlfriend another tells me that he has stated on several occasions that this female is waiting and willing for him to come live with her.  Yet to me he says he just needed someone to talk to and thats all there is to it.  Would the normal rational human believe that he is telling me the truth?  That he has only been there once but his log book and reciepts put him in that area everytime there is a call on his cell phone.  He claims that he can't remember anything that they ever talked about and the reason being is that it was never important enough to remember .  Let me state for the record this mans memory is one that he can restate verbatim, one for word, arguements we had 10 years ago.  The one thing he has admitted is that they have had several conversations about sex such as likes and dislikes and not just involving those two.  He had to drag my sexual responses into it too.  He has also admitted that his intentions on instigating these phone calls was to get laid by her.  Yet after calling her for a year and half he swears it never happened.  He was to "shy".  Even though on that first night he tells me she put herself in his face then went to the other end of the couch to pout since he didn't take advantage of her willingness.  Since then I have found porno books and tapes in his semi which he never bought before in 20 years that I'm aware of. 

  

I feel very alone here since he has contruibuted to my not talking to my old friends in the horse chat room on yahoo and I don't want to upset my ill mother.  I feel stuck since right at the present time I am off work due to a knee injury sustained at work awaiting surgery.  They haven't paid me a cent yet and they state when they do it will only be in the amount of 248.00 which isn't even close to what I need to make ends meet.  I hoping someone else has been there done this and they can help me figure out what to do.  I do love this man or I wouldn't have lived this solitary life his career choice has made me live.  Any comments or help will be deeply appreciated. 

Desperate in Alabama, 

Theresia 

I am so relieved that you know "bull" from "horse".  Yeah, it is a crock. 

  

OF COURSE, he slept in another room and they never had sex.  Same catagory as the horse story.   Was the "arm" involved in the hug located below the belt by any chance? 

  

Get yourself to the doctor for AIDS/STD testing.  Test again in six months.  He does the same and you get his results directly from doctor in person or in writing.  Any sexual contact you have between tests (or until you are convinced he is faithful)  requires a condom.   I can assure you he did not use one with her. 

  

If he needed someone to talk to it should have been you.  Unburdening yourself to anyone of the opposite sex when married is code for "I am willing to cheat".  Cannot tell you how often this excuse is used on these boards.  Too "shy" to take an outright offer after finding his way to her "guest" room?  Not likely.  And if her willingness made him uncomfortable, that was his cue to leave, not "visit" for the next 18 months. 

  

A one-time group birthday that he declined to be involved in (and probably spent a lot of time pouting about) is no justification for extra-marital contact of any sort or duration.  I am not fond of even the most innocent chat rooms.  They often contain a great deal of flirting and take up a lot of time that should be spent on your relationship. Think about this. 

  

Let's face it, he knew you would find the calls because you often straighten out his paperwork, right? 

Does his cell phone go places without him?  Maybe it just left the truck and went to a TOTALLY DIFFERENT area from where he says he was and DIALED ITSELF.  C'mon, my teenager would not even try this one. 

  

He has memory problems because it is not to his ADVANTAGE to remember.  He remembered well enough to brag to his buddies though didn't he? 

  

As in all cheating it is the lying that is the most hurtful.  I am no fan of porn and it's sudden induction into his life is just another red flag. 

  

Let's face it, hubby is selfish at the minimum, controlling and manipulative at the max.  He wants you to sit home alone waiting for him, but does not apply the same rules to himself.  Good ole double standard. He knows he has you between a rock a hard place.  Mom is sick, you are injured, unemployed and dependent on him financially.   

  

I always advise financial self-protection.  Do you have your own bank accounts and credit card in your name only?  If not now is the time.  YOUR money goes in YOUR account.  Pay bills on percent basis not equal shares.  If you make 30% of income pay same amount of "joint"  bills.  And I would make sure my money went toward the necessities-house, utilities, my car etc.  Individual or business expenses are not included in "joint" expenses.  And half of ALL joint funds are yours. I see no reason why they cannot sit in your account as well as his.  

  

  

I usually suggest a consult with divorce lawyer.  State laws vary and if hubby is self-employed that puts another twist on seperation or divorce.  Seeing the lawyer does not commit you to divorce, but 

will provide you with information. 

  

For me, the TRUTH is the first requirement.  ALL of it on ALL topics.  Some of us find out that the hoochie we know about is not the only one.  Polygraph seems to work well and does best if administered in a timely fashion.  I think it is worth whatever it costs you, but I suspect hubby will not have the same opinion.  Expect him to bail on test day even if he is initially agreeable.  Think about how many $$  he has spent on your FORMER friend. 

  

Many of us love the cheater in our life.  However, loving him and continuing to live with/be married to him are two different things.  To stay or go is your decision, but I advise you base it on information that comes from your head, not your heart.  A good counselor might also help. 

 
August 14, 2005, 10:54 am CDT

nikolai

Quote From: nikolai

Okay...I guess the conclusion one can come to is that there seems to always be one extremely selfish person in these situations, it's just that now, society accepts women cheating as well as they used to men. so what is the point of ever getting married. I am seriously disgusted with the way things are taking shape for the future (my kids). what kind of family lives and stability will there be. I really don't know how single parents can raise their children. it's so difficult to do with two parents at home. Anyway thanks for the reply. it's been three years for me, and I still haven't gotten over it. 

  

  

I think you hit the nail on the head in your message.  One extrememly selfish person that messes up a lot of other people's lives without asking permission. 

  

Yes, society accepts cheating in general no matter the gender and marriage vows are taken so lightly that they seem to have no impact.  And I agree raising children is designed as a two parent job.  Most single parents do not realize just how tough the job is until too late and struggle from that point on.   

  

Betrayal changes you forever.  It makes you mistrust yourself and your judgements and that is difficult to get over. 

 
August 14, 2005, 9:23 pm CDT

I just want to make one observation...

Quote From: whskywmn33

A friend gave me a # to a psychic. She has used her before. So, out of curiosity, I called the lady, she responded. Without me giving any info she immediately pointed that I was depressed, she also described past life experiences such as she said there were two  fatalities in your life. One was recent and one was years ago. Then she said she got a strong since from a female with blonde hair, and a sence from a male figure who I was close too. That my childhood was not calm, there were many family arguments and dishonesty.  I was blown away. She also descirbed my marriage. She said you are not happy and that I am married to a mean and selfish man. So, I asked her if he had cheated on me or if he is, she said he had, a few months  ago with someone who has long brown hair, brown eyes, weighing around 110 pounds. As of now he is not. HIs affair was not work rlated, but w/ someone he knows through work. What got my attention was the fact that a few months ago when my hus. and I were out dancing, he ran into someone he knew from a hospital he did work for. They spent a long time conversing and she fits the description to the tee. The psychic said her name begins with an L. When the time is right I will ask him again what her name is.  What she could describe fit his profile to a tee.  She also said that he has been and will be unfaithful again. That she senses I will be leaving him in the next 6 months. That there is a better and respectful romance that will first be friends and blossom into a love. SHe aid that the reason I haven't left is due to financial restraints. That is accurate. The most important thing I got out of talking with her was what I suspected all along. He had cheated on me. So, as she said I I know is that I need to get a job, save and strategically plan to leave him.  I am looking for employment, once I have enough money saved, I have it planned in my mind to leave him while he is at work one day. so that when he comes home it will be a slap in the face for him.

I just want to make one observation... If you place all your judgment in what a psychic said, you run chance of being a fool. You need to talk to your husband, not a psychic. He could very well be, or had an affair, but you need to get that from him. 

I believe there are psychics that believe what they do, and some that are on the money a lot of the time, but there are also some charlatans, and what if by some chance, the psychic was picking up on your thoughts, more than what has happened? 

Get the facts from him, or a private detective, or something concrete. Something you can hold up and show him. That would be the slap in the face.  

IF by chance you were wrong, it would be a slap in YOUR face.  

Maybe the two of you need counseling, or something, if you are willing to try in the marriage. IF not, then go, but wouldn't it feel better if you knew for sure, and not what a psychic told you? I hope you give this some thought, and I hope it helps. Good luck, no matter what you decide to do. 

 
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