Topic : Cheated On

I was cheated on two months ago by my husband of eight years. We have a wonderful child, exceptionally bright, and loving. It is so hard to understand why he would risk it all. He told her he loved her. That hurt the most. More than any physical thing. It was the emotional element that cut me to the bone. We have gone to counseling, we are working it out. I still cannot bring myself to utter the words "I forgive you" yet. I understand your supposed to, but I guess it's still too soon. I want to believe he is faithful now, but it's so hard when I never had a doubt up until about a month before I finally understood the awful truth. 

  I have this advice, I was NEVER jealous of my husband during our being together (eleven yrs if you include unmarried time) and suddenly one day he mentioned that he was going to share some songs he enjoyed off his Ipod to a co worker. I inquired who, and he said who she was and I flipped out. I apologized, yes, I did!! It was sooo out of character for me I even talked with my best friends and they agreed it was really odd.  My intuition is pretty strong and finally, after wondering for a month about this strange outburst, I checked his phone. Not anything I'd ever done. I found he had texted 'I love you!!' to this woman he had known all of 3 months (I found out the timeline later) They were talking every moment possible. Phone sex, he even had her over to OUR HOME while our child slept and I was working graveyard!! So, listen to yourselves. And don't blame yourself. I wasn't a bad wife. I had tried and tried in many ways to let him know I thought we needed to work on what we had to keep it alive, and he always said "I love you" and blew me off, it's not your fault. Remember that and be true to yourself, and your kids if you have them. 

Hi to 801linda and lenamom 

I know how you ladies feel and can relate to all the different emotions and feelings you are having.  See my story under infidility posted on December 23, 2005.  It has been a year now for me since I found out of my wife's 7 year affair and 3 month affair.  We have been married 16 years and also have three kids.  Everyday since I have found out, I do think about what happen, how it happened, why it happened, ect.  These thoughts we are having are normal so do not beat yourself up over them.  You need to vent them out and find someone you can trust that will listen to you.  Forgiveness is a process and it may take some time to truly forgive your spouse.  For me, before I could honestly start healing and start the rebuilding of my relationship with my wife, I had to see true repentence from my wife.  I also had to see total transparency in her about what she did.  Just yesterday we had another long talk and it was probably the first talk over the last year where I saw her being totally transparent.  We have finally gotten to a point that we can talk about the past without getting angry, defensive, guarded and emotional.  We both had to ackowledge what happened and try to understand and accept each other feelings and emotions.   This is hard to do and just does not happen over night.  It is a long process which will required growth on both parties.  One thing that I have being doing to confront my thoughts is submitting them to our God.  I spend alot of time praying for help, understanding, wisdow to do the right thing, and discernment to make the correct decisions.  The rebuilding of trust and the relationship in my marriage has been the hardest thing I have ever done.  Going through this experience has taught me many things and forced me to grow in areas I never thought possible.  I can say to you today, that even though it has been very painful, I am a better and stronger person for it.  It really has shown me how much love I have for my wife and the importance of working through our struggles together.  Kicking her out would of been the easy road, but not the right path.  I would like to encourage both of you and others in our situation, that me and my wife our a success story (in progress) of working together through this most difficult time.  It can be done.  Just do not do it alone.  Seek a friend to talk with and confide in.  Also seek God to comfort you and guild your steps to recovery and rebuilding your marriage.  Me and my wife have a long way to go, but I am hopeful because we are doing it together with God as our foundation.  

The thoughts may never go away, but in time they will be least painful.  The more me and my wife talk about the past openly and honestly, the thoughts of the past slowly lose their grib on my mind.  I am trying to focus on the future and not the past.  This is hard to do sometimes (maybe everyday) because of the pain that infidility beens into a marriage.  But it is not impossible.  If I can do it, I know you can do it.  The battle is in our mind.  Make the decision to fight and work through the painful thoughts.   Time will not heal, but it is what you do with that time that counts.  I have faith that you both will be victorious because by coming to this message board you are ackowledging what happened and are looking for solutions and help to win.  One day the rollercoaster ride will stop.  It takes effort on both parties to make it work.  Hopefully your spouse are sincere about wanting to rebuild the marriage and do what ever it takes to make this happen.   Hope this helps,  OCDAD1 

 mysticalk... 

  I feel so bad for you! There should be no confusion in your mind. He LIED about where he was going and that means he is being deceptive. If you BOTH love each other enough, go get help!! You are going through things he should help you with, and obviously he is feeling like he needs attention. That's one of the reasons my husband cited in his 'reasonings' for his affair. He said he felt like a 'paycheck' and this woman he was with made him feel 'adored'. It's pathetic for an excuse but it is obviously how he felt. My husband is a good person, who made a horrible mistake. He owns it, and is trying to make it up to me, we are actually closer now, after the affair, than we had been in years. It was a huge wake up call to us both. I'm am still hurting, horribly sometimes. Hopefully your hubby hasn't done this before? That was one of the things the therapist said, that my hub wasn't a 'habitual' cheater.  You need to get answers and deserve them. Your child deserves a happy home, even if it means without your spouse. I pray for you and hope you have caught this before it has gone too far. My hubby was "in love" with the girl he was with, and he had known her all of three months! I've been with him eleven years all together, and trusted him before this. Now we work daily on our marriage, have a long way to go, but we are doing it. 

You said you were confused if this was an affair, don't be, nip it in the bud and get yourself, and your marriage help!! I wish I had sooner......Good luck sweetie. My heart goes out to you. I'm in tears even now, for you, me and everyone on this board who have had to deal with this horrible subject. 

Hi, I am new to all of this, but I need to start somewhere. I am a guy, a guy in need of some support and help.

I am currently married to a good wife and have 2 wonderful children. Unfortunately the word married in the last sentence is started to fade and I am starting to see divorced become its place holder. For about 8 years now my wife and I have not been the greatest on creating a happy healthy marriage. Either I have been against her, or she has been against me (at least that is how I have felt, but it was probably more me against her).

But just over a few months ago my wife took steps to find an alternate path to happiness by talking to another man over the internet. That relationship grew into a close bond, which from this day I am still not sure how far it has gone. When I confronted the two I told them how I felt and was told it was over. But over time I found that that was not the case.

From them on I have found myself to be in need of self help with relationships and have read books and talked to many people to try to fix me, which I truly hope in turn will fix my marriage.

Right now I am at a point in which I want to fix things, since I have found better ways to approach my wife to obtain more of a positive outcome with communication, but feel as though she does not want to do the same with me, meaning in a way she has given up on trying to make it work, but might not know it yet.

I have heard all over the place that my timing is awful, but I cannot hide the feelings of love that I have for her. The biggest issue I have in front of me is that my wife does not want to engage with me to help make things better for the two of us and I don't know what to do. I hear to give it time and space, but for a guy that is like going without making love for weeks on end (not easy and not sure how else to say it). I feel like I am walking in eggshells with this and am not sure what to do.

I want him to hurt as bad as I am hurting. I had a major break down on the way home from work today. When I got home I wanted to talk. He says I need to move on and forget about what he did. He said he feels like Sh_ _ about it but does not know what more he can say to me to help me get past it. Said he was sorry like 6 times and that he knows he F- - - ed up.  

I just don't know what to do. He was my rock, my soul mate, my everything and I feel like he just stomped on me like I was a piece of dirt. I can not stop thinking about the affair. How could it get so bad for him that he had to do this. I agree it has been bad but never did I even think about cheating.  

I so want to get this out of my head and stop thinking about it I just don't know how to do that. We are going to go see a counselor soon. I am hoping that will help. I want to forgive him but I just can't not yet. Maybe I am waiting for him to hurt like I am. Today I even though about evening the score just so he would see how bad it hurts. But I know two wrongs don't make a right. This rollercoaster can stop any moment now I don't know how much more my body can take of this. 

Thanks for letting me vent. 

i just read your message and i can related to your experience.  I am married 19 years and we just started to drift apart.  He told me he was unhappy and wanted out.  He has moved out of our house.  Just recently he told me he was talking to someone at work.  I thought it was another man who has gone through this craziness.  It turns out it was a woman who works in the same building.  All she did was say, " if you need someone to talk to I'm here".  She has been divorced and has 2 small kids.  He has since told me that she invited him out for drinks and he went.  This led to sex in the parking lot of the bar........He said that this was the only time with her....Do i believe me......I never thought he would go this far.  He told me he wants to try with me but he doesn't know if he can forgive himself for what he did.  We were only living apart 1month and he was looking....I don't know if i can ever trust him again. 

I know how you feel about making the effort to work on your marriage but it seems like your doing it all alone.  I hope you can make it through this tough time.   

I was married for 18 1/2 and we had 3 beautiful children, when he came home one night, took me to a nice new restuarant to tell me that he didn't think he wanted to be married anymore. He had been seeing my friend for at least 6 months.  She had no children of her own but walked out on her 

husband to be with mine.  My husband had always turned away from his friends who were cheating on their wives because he felt so strongly about how wrong it was for all involved.  And then there he stood with his lame excuses for doing the same thing.  My children were 17, 13, and 8.  I made him tell each one of them seperately why he was leaving.  On several occassions I had to pick up my daughter after she would collapse on the floor crying, begging me to tell her why. I had no answers, for her or myself. The 8 year old kept asking if we were going to get a new daddy.  This was in October of 1996. He came back home after Christmas apologizing profusely to all of us and promising he would do what ever it took to make it up to us.  And then he walked out again on New Years Eve.  That was going on 10 years ago and there is not a day that I don't think about it. My son to this day is still angry with me over a divorce I had no choice in. I miss my best friend, we could always laugh and talk about anything. We loved our kids and loved to travel or just hang out.  Well, they too got married and have a 5 year old.  I have also remarried and have another little girl.  And now things are not going well again, and I can't help thinking that if my first husband had not walked out on us, I wouldn't be hurting so much now. I always thought at this stage of my life, I would be rocking grandbabies and laying on the beach drinking Margaritas.  I hope time brings you peace. But, the one thing I learned last time with the help of my current husband and that I have to tell myself everyday again, is that this has nothing to do with you!  This is their "bad". I never cheated, I very rarely said no when he wanted sex, I kept a beautiful home and took care of our family while he worked, travelled on business every week and then came home and played his sports.  I was always there for when he needed me and he still left.  This is their character flaw and not ours. So its time for us to pull up our boot straps, hold our heads high and know that we did our best. 

I am starting to hate modern technology. I too over the past year have learned that my husband has been using the internet and text messaging to meet women.  Most of them half way around the world but it doesn't hurt any less. 

I know how badly you want it to work out, because I too want more than anything to get through this and have the loving, happy, stress free relationship we used to have.  But, I keep asking myself how much am I willing to invest and hurt waiting for him to turn around.  Its funny you should mention walking on eggshells. I just told my husband that I felt that I was tiptoeing on pile of egg shells and if I just stepped the wrong way it would all collapse.  Over the past two weeks, I have trouble sleeping, I can't eat, and I can't even give my children the attention they deserve because I am so lost in what he is doing and how much it hurts me.  Sex!!  What sex?  I always thought it was the guy that was supposed to be wanting it, not him.  

You and I both need to decide how much of ourselves we are willing to sacrifice in our relationships.  How much is too much?  I am afraid that the farther he pushes me away that when he decides to reach back for me I will be to far away to reach. 

I will keep you in my thoughts and pray that she turns around and sees how much you love her! 

This is a great outlet for venting isn't it?!  It has been very helpful for me too.  However, I know that what I am going to say is perhaps not what you want to hear.  But it is what I believe.  I pray that you will think about it and believe it too.   

Honestly, your true healing will begin when you decide to forgive him.  Your mind right now is polluted with the ugliness of what has happened, and by not forgiving him you are holding on to all of that.  If however, you decide to forgive him for what he has done, and release the idea of wanting him to hurt too (actually he may not show it but I think he may already be hurting pretty badly) your mind and heart will be cleansed and God will then move in and work with you......But you need to clear the area and make room for Him before He will begin to work His magic in your life.  He is waiting for you to do this.  Let God be the 'rock' your life....not your husband.....let God be your 'everything'.  Does this make any sense to you?  I realize you may think I'm out of my mind.  I have no idea what your faith is.  But I believe that whatever your religion you can be healed.  But YOU need to take that first step.   

I think that seeing a counselor will be helpful.  He/She will give you some good suggestions and tools that will help you understand eachother better.  She also can help you both understand how he came to have this affair.  I don't believe that he set out to 'stomp on you as though you were a piece of dirt'.  I honestly think that he has some issues with himself that he needs to deal with.  I think that even worse than 'doing this to you', he did this to himself.  It is his soul that he's stomped on, and he's got some reckoning to do before he sees any 'magic' in his life.   

I KNOW what he did was painful.  It hurt you deeply.  But it happened.  Nothing can change that.  I'm so so sorry but this is your new reality.  So now you need to chose the life you want to live   I wish you could give yourself some time to just sit alone, inhale peace and grace and exhale darkness and pain.  Inhale.  Exhale.  Realize that YOU are still YOU.  Everything good about you remains.  You have an opportunity now, at this very moment in your life to be like God....holy.  Take it!  Live YOUR best life.  You have a gift to offer the world, don't let this setback keep you from giving it.  We need your gift.  You can do this!  Believe in YOURSELF!! 

I'm going to pray for you today.  I hope you will find the time to do the same.........Teresa