Topic : Cheated On

Recently while trying to straighten out my over the road husbands cell phone bill I found calls to an "ex" girlfriend of mine up in Illinois.  We moved to Alabama 4 years ago and I haven't talked to her since.  When I questioned him why he had called her his reply was he was trying to find an old show horse I had trained extensively and had been trying to locate and buy back since living down here.  Instantly I knew that was a crock of bull.  After a heated argument he finally admitted that comment was a lie and that he had been calling her since January of 2004.  He admitted on that first call he had just happened to be going through her (our) home town and had stopped to see her and spent the night there.  But, of course, he states he slept in the guest bedroom.  The reason he states for doing this is because I had went to Tunica, MS for a group birthday for my birthday and a couple of others that at the time frequented a horse chat room on yahoo.  I had been friends with those people for a couple years and several of those have been to our house to spend the week-end and to trail ride.  My husband knows these people and at that time said he liked them.  It was his choice on that week-end to stay gone and run the loads he had.  He had been invited and knew exactly where we were and what we were doing.  Yet he now says that is was because of that that he decided to call her and start what has turned out to be a 1 1/2 "affair".  He adamantly swears he has never had any type of sex with her and has only gave her a one armed hug.  Yet in speaking with his friends that state otherwise.  One trucking buddy remembers her being in the truck with him and having supper with him and his girlfriend another tells me that he has stated on several occasions that this female is waiting and willing for him to come live with her.  Yet to me he says he just needed someone to talk to and thats all there is to it.  Would the normal rational human believe that he is telling me the truth?  That he has only been there once but his log book and reciepts put him in that area everytime there is a call on his cell phone.  He claims that he can't remember anything that they ever talked about and the reason being is that it was never important enough to remember .  Let me state for the record this mans memory is one that he can restate verbatim, one for word, arguements we had 10 years ago.  The one thing he has admitted is that they have had several conversations about sex such as likes and dislikes and not just involving those two.  He had to drag my sexual responses into it too.  He has also admitted that his intentions on instigating these phone calls was to get laid by her.  Yet after calling her for a year and half he swears it never happened.  He was to "shy".  Even though on that first night he tells me she put herself in his face then went to the other end of the couch to pout since he didn't take advantage of her willingness.  Since then I have found porno books and tapes in his semi which he never bought before in 20 years that I'm aware of. 

I feel very alone here since he has contruibuted to my not talking to my old friends in the horse chat room on yahoo and I don't want to upset my ill mother.  I feel stuck since right at the present time I am off work due to a knee injury sustained at work awaiting surgery.  They haven't paid me a cent yet and they state when they do it will only be in the amount of 248.00 which isn't even close to what I need to make ends meet.  I hoping someone else has been there done this and they can help me figure out what to do.  I do love this man or I wouldn't have lived this solitary life his career choice has made me live.  Any comments or help will be deeply appreciated. 

Desperate in Alabama, 

Theresia 

My first advice to you is to not allow HIM to keep you from chatting with your friends on "yahoo"....that was NOT the real issue at all, he just threw that out as an excuse when he was confronted with the facts that you had in your hand (the cell phone bill) and his natural response was to try to provoke guilt in you, to make you feel like YOU forced him to do that. But I hope you know 100% that you had nothing to do with his decision to hook up with this woman, there could be many reasons he did this but its not because you went on a trail ride on your birthday with friends!! He would love for you to truly believe that. The reasons he did contact her could be many, such as boredom, or his sense of low self esteem causing him to need to feel that another woman was attracted to him, or maybe he just thought he could get away with it just for the fun of it. Whatever the true reasons are, you had no control over it. Only HE controls his actions and reactions. His story is not believable. Have you considered talking to this old friend of yours, asking her what is going on? Maybe you could call and just say, "He's already told me, now I want to hear it from you..." something like this- it could get you the rest of the story. But then you would know for sure. So where you are at right now is you know that its not true but there really isn't much you can do because you are dependant upon him for financial reasons, right? This must be  very frustrating for you. Is it possible to get him into marriage counceling? If he won't go, I think that you should go by yourself. It can be very helpful. I wish you luck! 

Okay...I guess the conclusion one can come to is that there seems to always be one extremely selfish person in these situations, it's just that now, society accepts women cheating as well as they used to men. so what is the point of ever getting married. I am seriously disgusted with the way things are taking shape for the future (my kids). what kind of family lives and stability will there be. I really don't know how single parents can raise their children. it's so difficult to do with two parents at home. Anyway thanks for the reply. it's been three years for me, and I still haven't gotten over it. 

   It's been awhile since I've been here. My husband and I are trying to reconnect again. He had cheated with another woman for several months. He broke it off with her and I think I can believe him that he has no contact with her. I had even called her a month after he broke it off with her and she told me they had no contact since the break. Now if I can just adjust or come to terms with the way he hurt me and somehow get over it someway to get our lives back. We will probably never be the way we were before but maybe we can make it work. 

   He says he loves me more now than ever and he never wants me to leave. He doesn't want to divorce. I just have problems believing that he truly loves me.  I have conflicting emotions about the whole situation. I cry alot very easily; I get angry (more like a blinding rage at times) and I still hate and love him at the same time. I could let the hate overtake the love but it wouldn't help me in the future. The events of the last few months would still be there. So I'm trying to put this affair somewhere that I can't think about it as much. 

   Just so you all know....I was drinking alot at one time (I told you about that) now I am not drinking to dull the pain anymore.  Things are better and I'm dealing with the past and planning for the future with my husband.    

Truth..what a novel idea.  One of which I have begged for in the last couple weeks.  He just keeps swearing he can't remember because it was not important to him.  Something to pass the time and get even with me for.  I feel like that as long as he keeps all the details to himself and denies everything I have found and has been told to me that he is still trying to deceive me.  Maybe in hopes of finishing the job he started???  Or maybe because the details are so bad that he thinks I couldn't deal with them.  I have told him that no actual details/truth could be as bad what I have imagined.  I have even came close to taking out a loan for the $600.00 that it would cost me to have him take a lie detectors test.  One which he swears up and down he would pass.  But then I'd be stuck paying back a loan I feel would probably put an end to our marriage.  And not because of the affair, but because he is still trying to lie his way out of it.  This whole ordeal has seemed to have gotten me into a downward spiral of obsessiveness, one which seems the more I try to climb out of the deeper I get pulled into.  Today I am going to try to find a counselor but the area I live in is pretty remote and backwards.  At least I hope it will give me something else to think about other than him and his lies. 

Still desperate in Alabama, 

Theresia 

I am so relieved that you know "bull" from "horse".  Yeah, it is a crock. 

OF COURSE, he slept in another room and they never had sex.  Same catagory as the horse story.   Was the "arm" involved in the hug located below the belt by any chance? 

Get yourself to the doctor for AIDS/STD testing.  Test again in six months.  He does the same and you get his results directly from doctor in person or in writing.  Any sexual contact you have between tests (or until you are convinced he is faithful)  requires a condom.   I can assure you he did not use one with her. 

If he needed someone to talk to it should have been you.  Unburdening yourself to anyone of the opposite sex when married is code for "I am willing to cheat".  Cannot tell you how often this excuse is used on these boards.  Too "shy" to take an outright offer after finding his way to her "guest" room?  Not likely.  And if her willingness made him uncomfortable, that was his cue to leave, not "visit" for the next 18 months. 

A one-time group birthday that he declined to be involved in (and probably spent a lot of time pouting about) is no justification for extra-marital contact of any sort or duration.  I am not fond of even the most innocent chat rooms.  They often contain a great deal of flirting and take up a lot of time that should be spent on your relationship. Think about this. 

Let's face it, he knew you would find the calls because you often straighten out his paperwork, right? 

Does his cell phone go places without him?  Maybe it just left the truck and went to a TOTALLY DIFFERENT area from where he says he was and DIALED ITSELF.  C'mon, my teenager would not even try this one. 

He has memory problems because it is not to his ADVANTAGE to remember.  He remembered well enough to brag to his buddies though didn't he? 

As in all cheating it is the lying that is the most hurtful.  I am no fan of porn and it's sudden induction into his life is just another red flag. 

Let's face it, hubby is selfish at the minimum, controlling and manipulative at the max.  He wants you to sit home alone waiting for him, but does not apply the same rules to himself.  Good ole double standard. He knows he has you between a rock a hard place.  Mom is sick, you are injured, unemployed and dependent on him financially.   

I always advise financial self-protection.  Do you have your own bank accounts and credit card in your name only?  If not now is the time.  YOUR money goes in YOUR account.  Pay bills on percent basis not equal shares.  If you make 30% of income pay same amount of "joint"  bills.  And I would make sure my money went toward the necessities-house, utilities, my car etc.  Individual or business expenses are not included in "joint" expenses.  And half of ALL joint funds are yours. I see no reason why they cannot sit in your account as well as his.  

I usually suggest a consult with divorce lawyer.  State laws vary and if hubby is self-employed that puts another twist on seperation or divorce.  Seeing the lawyer does not commit you to divorce, but 

will provide you with information. 

For me, the TRUTH is the first requirement.  ALL of it on ALL topics.  Some of us find out that the hoochie we know about is not the only one.  Polygraph seems to work well and does best if administered in a timely fashion.  I think it is worth whatever it costs you, but I suspect hubby will not have the same opinion.  Expect him to bail on test day even if he is initially agreeable.  Think about how many $$  he has spent on your FORMER friend. 

Many of us love the cheater in our life.  However, loving him and continuing to live with/be married to him are two different things.  To stay or go is your decision, but I advise you base it on information that comes from your head, not your heart.  A good counselor might also help. 

I think you hit the nail on the head in your message.  One extrememly selfish person that messes up a lot of other people's lives without asking permission. 

Yes, society accepts cheating in general no matter the gender and marriage vows are taken so lightly that they seem to have no impact.  And I agree raising children is designed as a two parent job.  Most single parents do not realize just how tough the job is until too late and struggle from that point on.   

Betrayal changes you forever.  It makes you mistrust yourself and your judgements and that is difficult to get over. 

I just want to make one observation... If you place all your judgment in what a psychic said, you run chance of being a fool. You need to talk to your husband, not a psychic. He could very well be, or had an affair, but you need to get that from him. 

I believe there are psychics that believe what they do, and some that are on the money a lot of the time, but there are also some charlatans, and what if by some chance, the psychic was picking up on your thoughts, more than what has happened? 

Get the facts from him, or a private detective, or something concrete. Something you can hold up and show him. That would be the slap in the face.  

IF by chance you were wrong, it would be a slap in YOUR face.  

Maybe the two of you need counseling, or something, if you are willing to try in the marriage. IF not, then go, but wouldn't it feel better if you knew for sure, and not what a psychic told you? I hope you give this some thought, and I hope it helps. Good luck, no matter what you decide to do.