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Topic : Cheated On

Number of Replies: 5029
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:01:22 pm
Author : dataimport
If your partner's been unfaithful, find support here. General talk and debate about infidelity can be found in our Infidelity discussion.

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August 16, 2005, 12:31 pm CDT

HEKLP!!!!!!!!!!

Well..I will try to get to the bottom quickly....my husband and I have been separated for several months now(my idea)..in that course of time he began to see another woman and then we both realized how much we love each other and are going to marriage counseling to make things work...while he says he cares for her ,he doesn;t love her but me..he is not the running around,cheating type..really,he is a genuine person who would not have even done it had I not wanted to separate..now here is the catch..the other woman is pregnant and she swears it is his..he is gonna have a DNA test done when it comes and will be a wonderful father if it is his...both emotionaly and financially......how in the world do we make it through this..she has made him feel so guilty for "leaving her with two other childre(not his) and no job(which she quit when they started dating)..she never talks about wanting him cause she loves him or even because of the baby..it is always....monetary things...like she jsut wants a meal ticket..she says she can't get a job pregnant..I see pregnant people working all the time..i did it!!  I have told him he cannot be responsible for her whole life because she is pregnant..only for his child..she would have to provide for herslef if he hadn't come along right?? any advice to get through this would be great!! there is also the fact that months ago she told him she absolutely did not want another child until she was in a settled relationship,,,,and I knwo it is up to both parties for birth control but if it were my body and I really didn't want a baby ,I would go the extra mile to protect myself..but she did nothing and neither did he cause he was never able to get any body else pregnant before(tried with first wife 7 years and she didn't get pregnant til they divorce and she married someone else and then the same thing with a long term girlfriend)..anyways..then she pops up pregnant.......I want to believe that we can make it through this..we truly love each other and this is killing us both..more him than me...please help......
 
August 16, 2005, 12:54 pm CDT

prego other woman

Quote From: tbrat11604

Well..I will try to get to the bottom quickly....my husband and I have been separated for several months now(my idea)..in that course of time he began to see another woman and then we both realized how much we love each other and are going to marriage counseling to make things work...while he says he cares for her ,he doesn;t love her but me..he is not the running around,cheating type..really,he is a genuine person who would not have even done it had I not wanted to separate..now here is the catch..the other woman is pregnant and she swears it is his..he is gonna have a DNA test done when it comes and will be a wonderful father if it is his...both emotionaly and financially......how in the world do we make it through this..she has made him feel so guilty for "leaving her with two other childre(not his) and no job(which she quit when they started dating)..she never talks about wanting him cause she loves him or even because of the baby..it is always....monetary things...like she jsut wants a meal ticket..she says she can't get a job pregnant..I see pregnant people working all the time..i did it!!  I have told him he cannot be responsible for her whole life because she is pregnant..only for his child..she would have to provide for herslef if he hadn't come along right?? any advice to get through this would be great!! there is also the fact that months ago she told him she absolutely did not want another child until she was in a settled relationship,,,,and I knwo it is up to both parties for birth control but if it were my body and I really didn't want a baby ,I would go the extra mile to protect myself..but she did nothing and neither did he cause he was never able to get any body else pregnant before(tried with first wife 7 years and she didn't get pregnant til they divorce and she married someone else and then the same thing with a long term girlfriend)..anyways..then she pops up pregnant.......I want to believe that we can make it through this..we truly love each other and this is killing us both..more him than me...please help......

Well first things first, I am sorry to hear about this situation.  I know it's a hard on, I too was seperated but now going through a divorce (my idea).  I am sure you didn't think you would have to deal with this, and it a tough one to deal with!  BUT he needs to step up and care for this woman's pregnancy, if she is not working, does she have health insurance.  I am assuming he slept with his woman, and was not safe (very immature thing to do by the way).  He needs to take care of this until he is proven otherwise.   

There is no way she can't work, BUT it is very difficult to find an employer to give her a job right now in her health state.  You need to be right by his side, letting him know that he needs to step up as a dad for now.  Don't let this woman feel like she has the upper hand, I am sure she is heart broken....just think how she feels in all this?  but that doesn't mean you need to feel guilty, you didn't do anything. 

I think you can work through this if your heart and brain are with this 100%.  It will a long painful road though sweetie, no doubt.  If that baby is his, you have a lifetime of this lady being in your life. 

You have to look deep down inside yourself and make the right choice here.   

Hope it all works out!   

 
August 16, 2005, 5:16 pm CDT

One thing you have not mentioned, that needs to be addressed!

Quote From: tbrat11604

Well..I will try to get to the bottom quickly....my husband and I have been separated for several months now(my idea)..in that course of time he began to see another woman and then we both realized how much we love each other and are going to marriage counseling to make things work...while he says he cares for her ,he doesn;t love her but me..he is not the running around,cheating type..really,he is a genuine person who would not have even done it had I not wanted to separate..now here is the catch..the other woman is pregnant and she swears it is his..he is gonna have a DNA test done when it comes and will be a wonderful father if it is his...both emotionaly and financially......how in the world do we make it through this..she has made him feel so guilty for "leaving her with two other childre(not his) and no job(which she quit when they started dating)..she never talks about wanting him cause she loves him or even because of the baby..it is always....monetary things...like she jsut wants a meal ticket..she says she can't get a job pregnant..I see pregnant people working all the time..i did it!!  I have told him he cannot be responsible for her whole life because she is pregnant..only for his child..she would have to provide for herslef if he hadn't come along right?? any advice to get through this would be great!! there is also the fact that months ago she told him she absolutely did not want another child until she was in a settled relationship,,,,and I knwo it is up to both parties for birth control but if it were my body and I really didn't want a baby ,I would go the extra mile to protect myself..but she did nothing and neither did he cause he was never able to get any body else pregnant before(tried with first wife 7 years and she didn't get pregnant til they divorce and she married someone else and then the same thing with a long term girlfriend)..anyways..then she pops up pregnant.......I want to believe that we can make it through this..we truly love each other and this is killing us both..more him than me...please help......

One thing you have not mentioned, that needs to be addressed! Have you ever thought of an AIDS/HIV test for your husband, or yourself? Obviously he had unprotected sex with this woman, and that should be something that should be addressed. He has made the possibilities of both of you with a truly deadly disease! 

The next thing you need to think about is how you are going to handle having your husband with another person's child? 

If the two of you do stay together, is this going to be something that you are going to  throw in his face, every time money goes out of your house for doctor bills, clothing, school expenses, and such? 

I think both of you need to sit down, "alone" when children, phone calls, and such can not disturb you, and attempt to talk out all the variables that may pop up. To have rules and such so you don't wind up making both of you miserable down the road with his transgressions. 

Who knows, best scenario the child is not his, and you can move on, but if it is, like the other poster has said, his responsibility ends with his child. It may not be as easy as it sounds, because she has two other children to deal with besides your husband's child, and her life may be less than what your husband would be willing for his child to live in. Then, could you handle having that child living with you on a permanent basis, facing you each day with his infidelity? This could happen, and you need to address that possibility as well. Life is not promised to us, and she could wind up in a situation where she could no longer take care of her children, and you may just wind up with this child living with you. 

Again, I think you both need to sit down and discuss all scenarios that could happen, and how you are both going to be willing to handle them. Then, when you think you have covered all possibilities, something else, not thought of will pop up.  

I hope this helps, good luck, and please keep us posted. I am sure your situation will help many others. 

 
August 17, 2005, 7:08 am CDT

clarify

Just wanted to be a little clearer on some things...first of all..my husband will take care of this child and help the mother through this..and I would expect no less from him..second of all..I know I will love this child if it is his..I already have a step son from my former marriage that came into my life at the age of one and is now 18 and I love him like my own,and believe me they don't come anymore difficult to deal with than his mother!! we want our marriage to work and we know it will be tough at times,but the child is  a priority for both of us...it would be great if she would let us have custody but I don't think she will willingly do this,but you need to know that it is not that she can't get a job..she doesn't want one..she wants him to be completely responsible for her and her other children and everything....all of her medical is already taken care of...that will not cost her a penny...it is just hard that she doesn't love him nor want to really be with him..she just wants his wallet!! and he is the type of person that can be made to feel guilty very easy....we did sit down last night and lay out some rules...that he will do the right thing by this baby but not let her lead him around by the wallet......and I will love the baby if it is his..it is part of him and it's not like he was sleeping around behind my back...we were seperated because I wanted to..thanks for all your input..it did give me things to think about...we jsut love each other and cannot imagine trying to go on without each other....
 
August 17, 2005, 7:58 am CDT

Confused about husaband's feelings

I went on a trip to New York for my grandfather's 60th birthday. When I returned home I asked my husaband if he had cheated on me due to my gut feeling. He told me nothing physically has happened but that he has feelings for this other woman. Now he did tell me that he past the chance to work with her because he couldn't trust himself, but in the same breath asks me to trust him. Now her long term partner and I are both aware of the situation. They continue to say they are just friends, but they talk to eachother secertly and try to get rid of all evidence. I've asked him to stop talking to her, but he won't. I really not to sure what to do. I thought about tell him he needs to go for awhile, but I don't know how to explain that to my 5 and 3 year old???? Any advice
 
August 17, 2005, 8:25 am CDT

gut feeling

Quote From: zavcam

I went on a trip to New York for my grandfather's 60th birthday. When I returned home I asked my husaband if he had cheated on me due to my gut feeling. He told me nothing physically has happened but that he has feelings for this other woman. Now he did tell me that he past the chance to work with her because he couldn't trust himself, but in the same breath asks me to trust him. Now her long term partner and I are both aware of the situation. They continue to say they are just friends, but they talk to eachother secertly and try to get rid of all evidence. I've asked him to stop talking to her, but he won't. I really not to sure what to do. I thought about tell him he needs to go for awhile, but I don't know how to explain that to my 5 and 3 year old???? Any advice

We all should listen to that Gut feeling like you!  It's usually right on the money.  Sorry to hear about this situation.  Whether emotional or physical, it hurts.  I would be even more hurt by your husbands actions, he needs to understand that if he speaks with her still, well that is just totally  inappropriate in every way.  That is totally disrespecting your feelings.  And if he wants you to trust him (which will take some effort on your part) he needs to step up and do what is right.  Children are loving people and will not understand at first but in time they will adapt.   You need to have a serious talk with him about your future and if he intends on having you and the kids a part of it, he needs to fix this situation and therapy is probably in order here as well. 

=( Sorry to hear about your situation.  This can turn into something good, if you try =) 

  

 
August 18, 2005, 5:34 am CDT

not always brighter on the other side

Quote From: latingirl

We all should listen to that Gut feeling like you!  It's usually right on the money.  Sorry to hear about this situation.  Whether emotional or physical, it hurts.  I would be even more hurt by your husbands actions, he needs to understand that if he speaks with her still, well that is just totally  inappropriate in every way.  That is totally disrespecting your feelings.  And if he wants you to trust him (which will take some effort on your part) he needs to step up and do what is right.  Children are loving people and will not understand at first but in time they will adapt.   You need to have a serious talk with him about your future and if he intends on having you and the kids a part of it, he needs to fix this situation and therapy is probably in order here as well. 

=( Sorry to hear about your situation.  This can turn into something good, if you try =) 

  

you should listen to the gut feeling and ask him if he wants to stay in the marriage or leave i had my gut feeling from oct-may of this year and my husband of 13yrs and two preteens had a affair with a so called freind .now we are working on are marriage and the kids are happier two.I feel for you and the little ones been there. and go with our gut thats what my parents and in-laws told me .they were even shocked about the whole thing 2. Good luck . :)
 
August 18, 2005, 7:32 am CDT

Trying

Well we talked last night and I told him flat out me or her. He first told me he had to think about it becuase it wasn't fair that I was picking his friends. Then I told him that maybe we should seperate for awhile and he said he didn't want to, but if that is what I wanted then he would leave. By the time he left for work last night ( works 3rd shift ) he said he wanted me and only me and would do what it takes to get my trust back. So now he claims he will not talk to her anymore, but I still think it's just words. It makes it harder when they work together too. I just want things back the way they use to be. I love him and would do anything for him, but I'm worried that if I go along with it all, he will say one thng and do another. If that happens it will hurt more in the long run becuase I let myself fall for the lies.
 
August 18, 2005, 11:26 pm CDT

First of all you don't tell the children anythings as to why...

Quote From: zavcam

I went on a trip to New York for my grandfather's 60th birthday. When I returned home I asked my husaband if he had cheated on me due to my gut feeling. He told me nothing physically has happened but that he has feelings for this other woman. Now he did tell me that he past the chance to work with her because he couldn't trust himself, but in the same breath asks me to trust him. Now her long term partner and I are both aware of the situation. They continue to say they are just friends, but they talk to eachother secertly and try to get rid of all evidence. I've asked him to stop talking to her, but he won't. I really not to sure what to do. I thought about tell him he needs to go for awhile, but I don't know how to explain that to my 5 and 3 year old???? Any advice

First of all you don't tell the children anythings as to  why you separate, other than "Mommy, and  Daddy are having problems getting along, and need a "time out" from each other. 

  

This infidelity is between you and your husband, not the children. As much as this will effect them, he has not  gone out on them, but on you! 

  

You can read literally hundreds of post from women whose husbands only admitted the minimum of what they may have thought they were  caught at, to later have to come more clean, only when caught more. (Women are just as guilty, but on here you don't see many of us men admitting these things , to  our own detriment) 

  

I don't know your husband, but I know your story, and have seen it on here time and time again. I would not believe anything coming out of his mouth, especially if he refuses to quit talking to the sleaze. 

  

He has made a vow, and at this time it appears to have forgotten it, or cares less what a vow means. The thing you need to worry more about is what kind of example are you setting for  your 3 and 5 year old, as far as what is acceptable behavior for a man to treat a woman, if one of your children is a male, and  what is acceptable behavior for a woman to accept from a man, if one of your children is a female. 

  

My heart goes out to you, and I hope this helps. Please keep us posted, as I am sure your situation will be valuable for others that come behind you. Good luck! 

 
August 19, 2005, 9:01 am CDT

Why does he get to choose?

Quote From: zavcam

Well we talked last night and I told him flat out me or her. He first told me he had to think about it becuase it wasn't fair that I was picking his friends. Then I told him that maybe we should seperate for awhile and he said he didn't want to, but if that is what I wanted then he would leave. By the time he left for work last night ( works 3rd shift ) he said he wanted me and only me and would do what it takes to get my trust back. So now he claims he will not talk to her anymore, but I still think it's just words. It makes it harder when they work together too. I just want things back the way they use to be. I love him and would do anything for him, but I'm worried that if I go along with it all, he will say one thng and do another. If that happens it will hurt more in the long run becuase I let myself fall for the lies.
 I know this is hard, but I would not let him choose whether he goes or stays. (He's throwing it all on you when he says you're choosing his friends.) I would take the kids and leave him. Nothing says it better to a man than when you show him you refuse to be treated this way and can get along without him. He's trusting the fact that you won't do anything more than what you have. Show him you're an adult and won't be treated like a doormat. I would not come back until he can PROVE to you beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is sorry and it will never happen again, and that he is willing to go to any lengths to make it up to you. I know that it's hard to let others in on your dirty laundry, which you will have to do in order to leave, but this is your marriage. Fight for it and your self respect.
 
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