Topic : Cheated On

MY husband has been talking to women on line for about 6 months.  I just learned about this a month ago, but I could feel something had changed in our relationship.  now he says he is happy i found out because his mind and heart are clear again and he just did it because he was bored.  OK....so I did find that he was starting to make plans with some of these women but he says he never got to that point.  We have had a wonderful marriage.  And I want to forgive him.   

So, do I use the phone number I found and ask one of these women if the ever met.  or do I leave it alone and work on our marriage? 

Yes, this board is a great place to come when looking for suggestions and to vent frustrations, but mostly it allows us to see and realize that we are not alone.  You WILL get through this.  In some way shape or form those that come to this msg board are struggling with our own life's issues.......courage, strength, or self esteem.  Remember to take things (I know it sounds sooo cliche')....One Day at a Time!!  Get through this day.  Do the best you can to make TODAY a great day.  And when tommorrow comes....make that day your focus.   

I can't express strongly enough to you how wrong it is for you to "Make his life miserable" as your daughter suggested.  You have an opportunity to really be a better person here.  Getting through this nightmare might just be 'your life's greatest work'. (as Oprah would say)  In "making him miserable" you at the very same time make yourself miserable......your soul becomes polluted.  Please don't do that to yourself.  Take the higher ground.  YOU be the better person.  YOU are the one who will win in the long run.  Be an example to your children and your family of forgiveness, love, and goodness.  That doesn't mean you need to continue to let this man treat you this way.  It just means that you value yourself ...your soul.....your spirit.....enough to not seek revenge and be resentful.   

Of course you will do what you think is best but don't underestimate the support that your sons can offer you.  If they know that 'Mom is going through this and she's reading helpful books, getting the support she needs, and is handling it in a positive manner....then what is there for them to worry about.  They may learn a lot from you through this.  I had my husband tell my teenaged children about what he had done, and now they are witness to their parents effort to making their marriage work.  They see us talking and working things out.....and I think that is a good thing.    

One last thing.......Never Ever underestimate the power or PRAYER.   

Good morning, 

I have never written on a chat board and it is sad that I have to do it with this matter but I have no one to talk to. I am a 33 year old married woman whom has been dealing with my husbands Internet porn problem for years.  I caught him 5 years ago after I started to have these strange dreams of him cheating on me.  At that time my husband promised he would never do the on line chat with porn again.  2 years ago I caught him again and he apologized and said he was through with it.  Last week I started to have these incredibly strong dreams that he was cheating and I went and installed spy ware on my computer and sure enough he was.  It scares me as it is not just viewing pictures his words with these woman are very demeaning and demanding in nature as to what he wants them to do. To make matters worse he only makes love to me approximately every 3-4 months and this has been since day one of our marriage.  At one time he went to counseling for 2 months and then said he was better and he did change a bit for a month or so and then regressed back to him ignoring me.  When we married he agreed that he wanted children and since I have pcos I did the fertility gamma and he would not follow through with intercourse on all the days suggested by the specialist.  This became a bit of a problem but I let it go as I assumed it was probably just too much pressure and I eased up.  Now we are foster parents to teens and I just 5 months ago he told me the truth that he never wanted kids and will not be having them with me.  I am so confused and scared and I have no one to help me through this! If I leave I loose my job as a foster parent and have no income.  If I stay it is awful and I am being ignored.,  To make matters worse I have been in 2 car accidents in the last 5 years and have allot of consistent pain in my back and neck .. what am I going to do. I feel lost, confused, scared, extremely nauseous and anxious.   When I brought up the Internet problem last week he looked at me and said he hadn;t done it in years; until I told him I had spy ware and then he confessed.  As of last Friday he said he was sorry and wanted to make the marriage work and he would get help.  This morning I asked why he hadn;t called a counselor and he said that he decided he didn;t need one and could do this all on his own.  When I told him I was sad and scarred and I thought he couldn't;t do it on his own he then said fine we'll divorce!! I felt the room spin and calmly sat down and told him I did not want to divorce but that we needed help! He said fine then you go for counseling and I'll move downstairs.  I did make an appointment to see my doctor this Friday but I don;t know if I can keep up the smile and flakiness till then especially with my foster teens they are very keen. Any words of wisdom would be welcomed and appreciated. Thank you 

Your story is quite similar to mine.  The outcome may not be what you want to hear.  While holding a part-time job and going to school part time, my wife expressed the desire to go out with the new "friends" she has made.  At first, like you, I thought it would be good for us to have things or do things as individuals and not just as a married couple. 

This once a week event became a several times a week event. Eventually, over a 6 month period, she quit her job, dropped out of school, but continued going out several times a week.  As my wife withdrew into this world of partying, I felt our marriage was crumbling.  She withdrew to the point where all of our marriage obligations and responsibilities fell on my shoulders.  I felt abandoned.  When I expressed my concern and told my wife that I felt like she was neglecting her marriage, she told me it was all innocent fun with the girls.  She told me I was over-reacting.  I, like you, heard many promises of how "this was the last time" or "I promise not to do it again", but she did not stop.  When I questioned her on what she did those night or who she was with, I could never get a clear answer. 

Needless to say, my resentment and suspicions began to grow.  I never wanted to believe that my wife would cheat on me - so I began searching for evidence.  For weeks, I thought I was being paranoid or insecure - until I found the proof to confirm my wife's infedility.  Like others on this message voard, I began examining the cell phone records and found endless calls to and from the residence of another man.  Our checking account had 25$ to 50$ withdrawls that my wife could not explain.  Finally, I found the password to her email account and read her emails. 

There was the confirmation I had been looking for.  For the longest time, I refused to believe that after all this time my wife would cheat on me.  The obvious signs were all there, but I still wanted to believe that my wife was honest and loyal.  Despite all of the evidence, I still wanted to hear the words from her mouth.  When I confronted her, she continued to lie.  Even as I showed her the emails, she still denied the affair.  Her denial made me laugh out loud. 

When she realized that she was finally exposed, she decided she wanted to separate.  The whole time she still professed "her love" for me, but yet never admitted doing anything wrong.  It was bizzare.  By that point, the marriage was over for me.  She pursued the affair, she lied, and she abandoned the marriage - not me.  I threw her out and filed for divorce. 

From my experience, don't react out of emotion.  If you believe there is cheating, find proof - especially since you have children.  If you find anything that looks questionable (emails, bank statements, cell phone records), save them.  Start protecting yourself now.  Ask your wife if you could join her on a few of these nights out.  Have you met the people she parties with?  Ask to meet them.  Does she tell you where she goes on these nights out?  I would drop by these restaurants/bars unexpectedly to see who she is with. 

Staying out all night and being drunk like that is not acceptable.  You deserve straight answers, but when it comes down to it, you can not control what someone else does.  Divorce is a terrible choice to make, but for me, it was the right choice.  I wish you the best in this situation and I pray that your wife does not self-destruct like mine did.  As much as I loved my wife, I realized towards the end that I could not stop her from making such terrible choices in life.  Adultery is so selfish, destructive, and cowardly.  To all the ladies on this message board - there still are a few good men out there, but we are in the minority. 

Wow - you sound like a loving and kind person.  I can offer some words of advice from my heart and from my experiences.  First of all,  Internet Porn is HIS problem,  not yours. Sounds like he's had something going on for years if your sex life has been limited since day one.  If he wants to go to counseling, he'll go but if not, you can't force him. You can only take care of you.  So counseling for you sounds great.  You have an inner strength that shines through the words in your message - you just have to target that strength to get you through this.  Internet porn is cheating,  but it is disease free,  and that would be my concern upon reconciliation.  Things could be worse.  As far as him moving downstairs - GREAT IDEA!! This allows you time to get your income status in order and plan your future without making you broke and homeless. There are many single foster parents - get the wheels in motion just in case you need this option in a few months!  He needs to see you mean business,  get all his stuff out of the bedroom and I would even put a lock on the bedroom door and not give him a key.  He offered to live downstairs - take him up on it!! The kids - hummm....I am a happy mom - know what ??  You don't teach kids to problem solve if they don't ever see you do it.  Explain to them that you and dad are having some personal problems - DON"T give them details!!!  Explain that you both need space, but want to maintain a close relationship while you figure this out, so you will continue to live in the same house and function as close to a family as you can. TELL the kids you are going for counseling and in your heart you know he will seek the same, at some point - This lets the kids know that it's OKAY to seek help, and try different solutions - You just have to maintain your composure in front of them and show them how a strong person problem solves.  Sounds like you are on your way - but your hubby is acting like a small child and blurting out empty threats - SHOCK him by taking him up on those threats - and believe me - he will try to push your buttons and get you even madder - don't fall for it - Words are cheap - but Clear Actions are Priceless!! Stay strong and ignore his threats of divorce for a few weeks - Good Luck!!  Keep in touch!! 

I am the one who had an affair. I am a married woman of 20 years, I had an 8 month affair w/ a younger man, also married. My marriage had been in trouble for a long time. Probably since day one. I was 21 and pregnant when I got married, but still never strayed the entire time, until I met "him" He swept me off my feet, was everything I ever wanted in a man, in a relationship. He professed that he felt the same way. We talked about being together, I even separated from my husband and sought counseling. I decided that "he " needed time to figure out his life and broke it off. We talked and emailed ( he lives in a different state) a few times after that and it seemed like we were headed back to seeing each other again until his wife got suspicious and like many people on this board decided to check his cell phone records. ....and discovered my number many many times and for log periods of times well into the night. "He" travels alot and I would meet him out of town or he would call me when he was out of town.  

So things blew up for him, not to mention that his wife is now pregnant w/ their second child. He called me and insinuated he still wanted to be with me, that we had a chance, he needed to figure things out. Then two days later he called me and told me he wanted his marriage to work. That was three months ago and i haven't heard a word from him. 

I got back w/ my husband to try to work things out, but things aren't going well, mostly b/c I still have feelings for "him" and can't seem to let go and move on.  How do I know if maybe I just don't love my husband anymore or if my feelings for this other person is getting in the way ?  

I can't understand how "He" just walked away ! I don't know what to do anymore I am so confused.  

I'd like to hear from women in the same situation as well as men that walked away from the other woman and what that is like.  I need some perspective, I need some advise, I need some hope that it gets better.  

My husband and I have now been married 26 years, last year in March he had an affair with a woman he was working with.  I had a feeling that something was a miss and made a few coments to my husband about his talking to this woman at work, he said she was always hanging around and everywhere he was.  I told him she wanted him.  In the end I was right.  She pursured him and won. In April he was acting so strange for him, and on a sunday night I asked him if he was cheating on me.  His answer was Yes,  I was shocked and dismayed, I cried and asked why... I did not want to throw away 25 years of my life for another woman.  I married at 19 and we have 4 wonderful children  (24 years- 19 years), I had given my whole life to this man and our family.   

 He told me that she was everything I was not,  This has left me feeling like less.  He has since told me she does not believe in God, and is into witchcraft, tarro cards and other things like that.  After day 3,  I came to my senses and told him he could have her and maybe I would be here when he came to himself and maybe I would not.  I did not want to let our children know, I was ashamed, I felt I was to blame.  All of these I now know not to be true, but at the time I feel I was going Crazy!!!! 

My children knew something was wrong and in the end point blank asked if he was cheating on me.  He had to tell them he did.  This was a hard lesson for him to own up to.  We have raised our children in a God loving home.  Not perfect but trying. 

Now almost a year later we are still dealing with the pain and the hurt of his cheating.  He says he loves me, wants our marriage and is willing to do whatever it takes.  My question is when will the hurt and pain end.  When we fight now we always seem to go back there.  He feels quilty and I feel less than.  I want to help our marriage grow and be a wonderful one, Can any one give me some advise on learning to live again.   

He does try and so do I.  I pray it is enough to get us over this mountanin.