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Topic : Cheated On

Number of Replies: 5135
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:01:22 pm
Author : dataimport
If your partner's been unfaithful, find support here. General talk and debate about infidelity can be found in our Infidelity discussion.

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March 15, 2006, 10:37 am PST

Help

Quote From: fantasia69

Here's my story (sadly, it's very similar to others!).  14 months ago I found out my husband had an affair which he tells me lasted approximately 8 months (we have been married for 14 years and have two children).   About 5 months ago I found out that he chats regularly on-line with other women and just last week I found out that he goes into video chat rooms and engages in masturbation.  We have seen marriage counsellors and had been trying to rebuild our marriage up to last week but when I heard about the video chat room thing I couldn't take anymore.  Now we are struggling to work out a separation or some time apart to see if we even want to work at this relationship anymore.  If I do decide I want our marriage to work how do you get past the suspicious feelings - always wondering where he is, who he's with, etc.  And an even bigger question (which I know no one can answer!) is how do you know you want to stay with the person you're with.  I do love him but there are a lot of things I don't like about him; and we have very little in common.  I'm sure lots of you have similar stories so I guess I'm looking for suggestions. 

I'm looking too.  There are way too many women in this chat room   This is truly sad.  I'm doubtful about hope with my situation, but I'll give it a hesitant shot, I guess.  I  don't have anything else to lose.      Lisa
 
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March 15, 2006, 10:50 am PST

Bless your heart

Quote From: bmconfire

Im 21 years old, currently divorced and have one child from my marriage. After my divorce I had started to see the girl named Betsy. She was everything that I could ever want in a partner and more. The times we spent together were magical and full of feeling. We were together for about 4 months and with in that time I fell in love. I know 4 months is alittle short to be falling in love with someone but its true it really happened. Now this also because I have been in love once before her so I know the feeling. Made it was her beauty, her personality,or the feelings see gave I dont know but for some reason the love  have for her is stronger than the last. She is someone that I know I could have spent my life with. She was perfect in my eyes no matter what. In past relationships I always gett cheated on. I have yet to have a relationship without cheating being involved. For the record I dont cheat, I think its the worst thing you could evre do to some one. Well anyway she knew this and told me she would never cheat on me. But she did. She said she got drunk with her sister and blackedout, and in the morning see realized what she had done. Well she never told me until 2 weeks later. She broke up with me. Her reason was that she didnt want to be in a realationship with anyone right now. Well later on she told me what she had done, but for me some things can be forgiven. So I tryed to get her to come back to me, I told her that it didnt matter what she did and that I can forget about the whole thing. She said no. She told me that she could never give me the feelings that I deserved because she was still in love with someone else from when she was 15(shes 20 about to be 21 by the way). Then see tells me that the guy she cheated on me with was the guy she loved and that she talked to him everyday just about. Ive tryed to be friends with her in hopes that she will come back, but now that she told me that was with him I dont know if that is forgiveable or not. I love her with every part of my heart and soul. Its been two weeks and there isnt a second or a day that doesnt go by that I dont think of her. There are days when I just dont want to leave my bed, and just want to lay there and cry. I miss her touch, the way she feels in my arms, her lips when I kiss her, I miss the cuddling on the couch or the cuddling when we are sleeping. I miss everything about her. My heart breaks everyday. there is no joy or happiness in life anymore. She doesnt want to get back together with me but she tells me she still has feelings for me I dont know what to do my lost without her because Ive never felt this why about anyone and I dont want to lose something so special to me.  

I so understand the depression u are in right now, the feelings of loneliness, the urge to entice her back, to make her love u.  But honey, she has set a boundary here and, although it hurts deeply, she was honest with u and told u straight up that she cannot reciprocate your feelings the way u want her to. 

  

Better u find this out now.  I have dragged out relationships that in reality no longer existed, for a variety of reasons - I didn't want to be alone, I was sure he was the one, he ended it badly and I was indignant, blahblahblah. 

  

i know u hurt and unfortunately u will for a while.  I know I felt like I was absolutely gonna die if he didn't want me at the time - now I can see it truly was for the best.  Give yourself permission to grieve - it's ok.  U can always come here and just vent.  Discussing it does help.  U'll get through this - hang in there.  God Bless   

 
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March 15, 2006, 11:36 am PST

separated but still married & cheating

My husband and I separated on Oct. 1, 2005.  I left him.  We were very unhappy and I needed away for us to begin to work on our relationship.  After I left we did begin to work on things.  Things were seem to be going wonderful.  He gave me back feelings I didn't know I had.  Butterflies and everything.  3 weeks later he slept with another women.  He was at a bar & got drunk.  Well, it must have been an awesome night because he decided he wanted to date her.  After about 2 months he started crying.  Telling me he was confused, he loved me very much and he didn't want a divorce.  He said he couldn't just ditch her because she had been so nice to him and was there for him while he was crying over me.  He couldn't ditch her, but I'm his wife.  Doesn't make much sense.  After a while of this I talked to his girlfriend.  Of course he is telling her something else.  He denies but I have no reason not to believe her.  I realize I left but he is still cheating.  We are still married and neither of us have filed for divorce.  It took me leaving to realize how much I love him.  Once thing he told me was that if we did get back together he knows how much better it would be because he knows what he did wrong & he knows how to treat me better.  I feel the same way.  He also has told me if it wasn't for her we would be back together.    We both agree I had to leave for us to sort things out and he says it is just unfortunate he "found" someone else.  I love him and would give anything for us to work on our marriage.  I believe God wants that.  I know there is no way to convience him.  It is something he has to do on his own.  I need some help.  I don't know how to move on nor do I want to.  I love this man with all my heart.  Part of me thinks I made my bed, I need to lie in it and this is my punishment.  The other part of me thinks he should give us one more try.  While we were together I gave him chance after chance after chance.  He has never had to give me 1 chance.  Now I want one chance and he can't give me that.   What do I do or say to him to make things better.  I've cried, I've been nice, I've stayed away.  I'm not sure what else to do.  He plans on filing the first of April because that is when we will have been separated 6 months.  (To file for the divorce he wants through the court house with no lawyer, you have to be separated 6 months.)  I will probably not sign those papers.  You have to file under irreconsiable difference.  I don't  believe that is the situation.  I believe it can be fixed.  Please help!!
 
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March 15, 2006, 11:50 am PST

Cheated On

Quote From: regguy

ron7127, 

       What does it take for you to see it. Would a neon sign be helpfull? Maybe a picture or DVD. As someone else already told it's time to get a divorce lawyer and fight for your kids. At this point there is no point in even confronting her. You might want to get your PI friend to get pictures of her on a girl's night out with her new boyfriend so there is no way she can deny it. Cause she will continue to lie and lie an dlie. What you should do is pick a day down the road to present divorce papers. On that day you should have already moved and closed all checking and savings accounts. Also the night before I would get and cancel all credit cards. Shred them Get some credit cards in your own name so you have them to use.  Plu get your own checking account. That way she can't make a money grab as this goes down. Then on the chosen day when she leaves early for her route drive over to the guys home and give her the divorce papers when she comes out. She'll get it.  In all likely hood she will move in with the other guy. She will then come back to you in a year or two when he throws her out and she misses the kids. Stay strong and focused. Do not ever let this abusive women back into your life.  Good luck.  

Thanks for the advice. I've got my ducks in a row-lawyer,pI, accounts closed. 

I would like to say, however, that I found your initial remarks about the sign etc. to be extremely insensitive and somewhat mean spirited. Perhaps you've expierienced this yourself, I don't know, but I already feel stupid enough and I felt as if you were kicking me when I am down. Well, enough of the self-pity,eh? I appreciated the rest of the advice. 

 
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March 15, 2006, 11:55 am PST

hi

Quote From: ron7127

Thanks for the advice. I've got my ducks in a row-lawyer,pI, accounts closed. 

I would like to say, however, that I found your initial remarks about the sign etc. to be extremely insensitive and somewhat mean spirited. Perhaps you've expierienced this yourself, I don't know, but I already feel stupid enough and I felt as if you were kicking me when I am down. Well, enough of the self-pity,eh? I appreciated the rest of the advice. 

so how are things going?  

are you going to get your kids?  

i am sure you feel really bad about the situation and someone saying that makes you feel even worse 

good  luck with everything  

  

 
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March 15, 2006, 11:58 am PST

hi

Quote From: bmconfire

Im 21 years old, currently divorced and have one child from my marriage. After my divorce I had started to see the girl named Betsy. She was everything that I could ever want in a partner and more. The times we spent together were magical and full of feeling. We were together for about 4 months and with in that time I fell in love. I know 4 months is alittle short to be falling in love with someone but its true it really happened. Now this also because I have been in love once before her so I know the feeling. Made it was her beauty, her personality,or the feelings see gave I dont know but for some reason the love  have for her is stronger than the last. She is someone that I know I could have spent my life with. She was perfect in my eyes no matter what. In past relationships I always gett cheated on. I have yet to have a relationship without cheating being involved. For the record I dont cheat, I think its the worst thing you could evre do to some one. Well anyway she knew this and told me she would never cheat on me. But she did. She said she got drunk with her sister and blackedout, and in the morning see realized what she had done. Well she never told me until 2 weeks later. She broke up with me. Her reason was that she didnt want to be in a realationship with anyone right now. Well later on she told me what she had done, but for me some things can be forgiven. So I tryed to get her to come back to me, I told her that it didnt matter what she did and that I can forget about the whole thing. She said no. She told me that she could never give me the feelings that I deserved because she was still in love with someone else from when she was 15(shes 20 about to be 21 by the way). Then see tells me that the guy she cheated on me with was the guy she loved and that she talked to him everyday just about. Ive tryed to be friends with her in hopes that she will come back, but now that she told me that was with him I dont know if that is forgiveable or not. I love her with every part of my heart and soul. Its been two weeks and there isnt a second or a day that doesnt go by that I dont think of her. There are days when I just dont want to leave my bed, and just want to lay there and cry. I miss her touch, the way she feels in my arms, her lips when I kiss her, I miss the cuddling on the couch or the cuddling when we are sleeping. I miss everything about her. My heart breaks everyday. there is no joy or happiness in life anymore. She doesnt want to get back together with me but she tells me she still has feelings for me I dont know what to do my lost without her because Ive never felt this why about anyone and I dont want to lose something so special to me.  

well i think you are rather young to know what you really want 

 but good luck to you  

why did you get divorced from your wife? 

 
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March 15, 2006, 12:01 pm PST

hi

Quote From: weblizard

Well, it's geeky joy to be the first poster, but sad for why... I have been in a committed relationship for many years now, and things have been painful lately. I was forced out of my job of 19 years this spring; as a result, I have been fighting depression (yes, I am getting therapy and meds). I'm trying to keep this short- I was closing everyone and everything out- including him. He thought I was slowly leaving me, but feared talking to me because he didn't wan tto cause more pain. He was confiding in a female friend that he had lost me , and you can guess the rest. We have been talking a lot the past couple of weeks- but he said he has to speak with her face to face to resolve what he is doing. He leaves tomorrow to fly out to meet her. I don't know what to say before he leaves. We don't live together, so it isn't like waiting for him to come home from work tonight. What do I do? We both feel we are the love of each other's life, but he is confused about what he is feeling apparently. help...

how long have you been with this man? 

how are you both doing now? 

  

 

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March 15, 2006, 12:15 pm PST

with my supposed bestfriend

my husand and i have been married for 5 months but we have been together for 5 and half yrs. We have a 3 yr old son. while i was 6 weeks pregnant with our son in like oct/ nov of 01 i met  a woman my age and also 6 weeks along. We became fast friends so did our guys.mine even started working for him.  pregnancy and newborns came along and went as the boys got older she started confinding in me that she was unhappy in her marriage in every aspect and said the only thing he was good for was for money cuz she would never be able to live on her own. so one day she tells me that her ex boyfriend who lived in florida got a hold of her by email on a search engine we live in Indiana they were in constant contact, emails, instant messages. then phone calls while hubby was at work . she then tells me that she was trying to make arrangements to go down to visit him cuz their was no possible way hubby could find anything out. but he wasnt wanting her to go alone if she didnt want a family vacation then just the two of them could just go. so basically she was trying everything to go byherself . i flat out told her she was stupid, cheating wasnt the answer and never is. if she was that unhappy then separate or go to counceling. after that remark i never heard anything again about her ex, but  was finding more info on how skanky she actually was. going out for drinks with guys leading them on thinking it was all fun and games. i started seeing she was an attention hog, doing anything possible to get it, from guys..she was an awful mother, and wife didnt cook, clean take care of her kids spend time with them basically as soon as they would get home from school, supper bath bed.. bed would be 6, 7 pm. then she got a job at a bank... no guys there to mess around with.. i started noticing she was paying to much attention to my man in everything he did, say, look, wear.. so i started talking to her less but he was still bestfriends with her husband. she made sure if i wasnt around she had her fat A-- out there with whatever he was involved with.if happend to talk to her on the phone or computer her first questiong would be were was my man at and what was he doing, so naturally it didnt take very long to figure anything out when they were constantly talking bout each other flirting in front of me and her husband. ect.they started doing whatever it was in about mar of 03...  2 months go by, at my sons 2nd b day party in may of 03 she showed up with her kids and husband to a childrens party looking like a complete hooker short skin tight skirt, tight shirt. i about died. by then i was already sick of her, i didnt speak to her just watched how she acted around my man. she was pretty desent she spent time with her husband and kids i guess she had the feeling she was being watched by several people, me, his mother and his 4 brothers and sister. i had for the past 2 months told him and his family somthing was going on.  and had even made comments to to her that i thought he was cheating . not missing a beat she would be like really wow who with trying to look like a conserned friend.. so exactly a week after the party i hadnt seen or spoke to her was ignoring her calls, emails ect.. i got on the computer and went through my mans emails and low and behold what did i find.emails containing plans for meetings after she got off work. how she wanted to kiss him blah blah and felt safe and secure around him how she missed him was mad becouse of me they wouldnt be able to meet, so on and so forth  they wouldnt dare email each other from home to home she was using her work email to contact him cuz her husband went throught all her things on a daily basis, email, purse, car everything. no trust there huh? i printed every single email out went to his house i dont know how fast i drove but a 10 min drive took me 3 mins. he was sitting at his computer i threw the papers on the desk asked him what the hell was going on and dont lie i had the proof i had been looking for. he just laughed i was tripping for nothing it was a game i was whatever so punched him. we got in to it bad,i was throwing punchs left and right, shoving everything he didnt lay on hand on me.  he confessed they talked she listened to him without judgement and so on, they met 3 times after her work, kissed once that was it, i was ya and if i hadnt busted the 2 of you then it would have gone further he was like no, i wouldnt have let it i was like whatever.. i called her house a few hours later to make sure she was home i was on my way there. so i could beat the dog Sh-- out of her. shes luckey she wasnt home. magically she called right away from her cell she was out to eat with her husband, i laid in on her screaming she was trying to get me to calm down cuz duh her husband was right there listening to every word. i forgave my husband since the only thing they did was kiss once, her husband only knows about that. the only reason i havent said anything is cuz all im thinking is job security, since since mine works for him, i also found out when she confessed to a few details to him she beat the dog crap out of her, then it went to the back yard and he threw her off their deck. i dont agree in that kind of thing but i honestly didnt feel sorry for her one bit, and thought it was funny, because of him being the boss i wont touch her she knows it, i laid down the law if his boss was gonna be stupid enough to forgive him and still wanna be buddies he's even more ignorant then i ever thought, i laid down the law , i didnt care if i was there, her husband thery were not to speak to each other the guys were friends not them 2. i told her she had to reason to be in the garage if they were in it working on a car, she had 4 kids from ages 7 to 2 to take care of and spend time with. so its now 06 almost 3 yrs i still hate her want to kill her, ive forgiven my husband but the trust isnt 100 percent  like it use to be, i dont trust her period becouse i know she hasnt changed one bit she's got a different job to were she is constintly around men. in the past few yrs she has broken the no speaking rule so on halloween i paid her a visit at her job, she's lucky there was a counter between us otherwise her face would have been hitting a wall, our husbands throw darts on a team once a week together i went to say hi one night and they were whispering to each other when i walked in she saw me and ran for cover i went a shoved him , he and i got into it there, i went after her, i left and went home i was done,  her big bad worthless husband  thought he was gonna follow me hom and threaten me before my husband got there as soon as he showed up his attitude magically changed, i wouldnt turn around to face him look at him cuz i knew id be throwing punches i also knew he's bigger then me and his attitude is to strangle a woman cuz hes had done it a few times to the wife. i keep thinking i should have let him put his hands on me., his ass would be in jail, lost him job, i would have sued for mental angush on him cuz i was  also  a little over a month pregant. so the thougth of her losing her house and cars is funny.. so after that all 4 of us had a meeting sat down and talked. it solved nothing except she admitted she was a whore and knew exactly what she was doing and wasnt thinking of anything excpet for herself. she was the one who started the whole thing. she still knows that i hate her dont trust her, i flat out told her if u piss me off just once you'll be in the hospital  i am to the point were i dont care anymore,  and i will come after you. he knows i mean business cuz i will go after him too, and im gone. were ok now but im still watching her cuz i know she started it.. i also recently found out the all the folks at the bar i went after the 2 of them are now scared of me. i told my husband good so now they all know that i wont put up with any crap, and i tell him there are women out there that completely suck they are selffish whores sure as heck stab u in the back but if their men were to even speak to a woman on the street out of niceness oh heck no it aint happening..
 
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March 15, 2006, 12:17 pm PST

Cheated On

Quote From: jill_burn

We've been together for 16 years and I recently found out he too had an affair in the fall, he started with I met up with her 3 times and we danced, to the truth being he invited her to our home for a b-b q and a walk to the beach, while I was out of town.  I decided that sure things weren't going well back in the fall and it looked like we were going to split up then over other issues, but I decided that 1. I told him I loved him and loved him enough that if he wasn't happy with me, that I didn't want him to waste his or my time and to leave. 

2. That if he decided to stay that we had to revamp our relationship, and finding someone else to be with when we have problems isn't a solution to the problem, but makes more problems. 

3 If he left he left I wasn't kicking him out to give him that "well she kicked me out victim story" it had to be his choice because I believe in free will. 

I'm still smarting from the whole thing, I try to be the best I can be for myself and the kids everyday and not give him some stupid excuse to blame me.  He never admitted he cared for her, he continues to down play it, but I know for him to even pick up a phone to call any women including me is an act of 'God' he just doesn't do it.  Hang in there sister follow Dr. Phil's advice and be authentic to yourself, do what is right for you and noone else, but I believe there can be love again after affairs, it starts with two willing spirits, if he needs time to think then give it to him, just be the best you can be to remind him what he'd miss. 

Thanks for telling me your situation, I appreciate your advice. You hang in there too.
 
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March 15, 2006, 12:26 pm PST

Cheated On

Quote From: ron7127

Thanks for the advice. I've got my ducks in a row-lawyer,pI, accounts closed. 

I would like to say, however, that I found your initial remarks about the sign etc. to be extremely insensitive and somewhat mean spirited. Perhaps you've expierienced this yourself, I don't know, but I already feel stupid enough and I felt as if you were kicking me when I am down. Well, enough of the self-pity,eh? I appreciated the rest of the advice. 

ron7127             Sorry you found them a little insensitive. It was meant to to be a little tough. Your opening line about is she cheating or not did come across as might bit pathetic and lost. I just wanted you to make sure those eyes were wide open and accepting your reality and that you need to move on and step up and do your kids proud.  You still need to protect them. I tend to be a little blunt.  Good luck and best wishes cause the road ahead is going to be rough. But you can handle it.  
 
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