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Topic : Cheated On

Number of Replies: 5030
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:01:22 pm
Author : dataimport
If your partner's been unfaithful, find support here. General talk and debate about infidelity can be found in our Infidelity discussion.

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July 23, 2005, 5:57 pm CDT

First Post!

Well, it's geeky joy to be the first poster, but sad for why... I have been in a committed relationship for many years now, and things have been painful lately. I was forced out of my job of 19 years this spring; as a result, I have been fighting depression (yes, I am getting therapy and meds). I'm trying to keep this short- I was closing everyone and everything out- including him. He thought I was slowly leaving me, but feared talking to me because he didn't wan tto cause more pain. He was confiding in a female friend that he had lost me , and you can guess the rest. We have been talking a lot the past couple of weeks- but he said he has to speak with her face to face to resolve what he is doing. He leaves tomorrow to fly out to meet her. I don't know what to say before he leaves. We don't live together, so it isn't like waiting for him to come home from work tonight. What do I do? We both feel we are the love of each other's life, but he is confused about what he is feeling apparently. help...
 
July 24, 2005, 9:51 am CDT

Cheated On

Well, it's geeky joy to be the first poster, but sad for why... I have been in a committed relationship for many years now, and things have been painful lately. I was forced out of my job of 19 years this spring; as a result, I have been fighting depression (yes, I am getting therapy and meds). I'm trying to keep this short- I was closing everyone and everything out- including him. He thought I was slowly leaving me, but feared talking to me because he didn't wan tto cause more pain. He was confiding in a female friend that he had lost me , and you can guess the rest. We have been talking a lot the past couple of weeks- but he said he has to speak with her face to face to resolve what he is doing. He leaves tomorrow to fly out to meet her. I don't know what to say before he leaves. We don't live together, so it isn't like waiting for him to come home from work tonight. What do I do? We both feel we are the love of each other's life, but he is confused about what he is feeling apparently. help...
 If it were me...I would help him understand his "confused" feeling by kicking him out the door!  If you were his "true love" he wouldn't have cheated on you, and from what you're saying, he is about to do it again by going to see her.  Don't feel like you can't let him go...you might be alot happier without having to wander if he's being true to you.  And if he ever feels confused again does that give him the right to confide in another woman?? He could've confided in a man just as easily as a woman and not have risked getting involved.  He should've talked to you and not ran off to a stranger to discuss the problems in your relationship.  He should've been there for you through your trials and not added to the list.  I am a true believer in that if a person strays once they will do it again if the situation introduces itself ( and it sounds like it did when he went to see her) I wish you the best of luck and I hope you do what you find to be the best thing for you!!! And maybe being forced out of your job was just  another window being opened for better things. :)     God Bless!
 
July 24, 2005, 5:26 pm CDT

Cheated On

Lets back track:  I received a call from the other woman last month, and he confessed.  This affair took place while he was working in another state, the state and area that we are to move to.  Anyway, we went on vacation last month and had a great time.  I decided to take her out of my mind (until she called him @ 2:30 am, crazy drunk B____) and really work on our relationship.  The next morning he told me that he would take care of the problem when he returned to work and file a restraining order against her.  Anyway, we really reconnected during our time alone.  It was the best thing for us.  Then a week after our vacation, he returned to his job in the other state.  The enitre time I was very uneasy about it.  Wondering and wondering.  I remember him telling me that I just needed to get over it or it will doom our marriage.  He really hurt my feelings.  I decided to send him an e-mail expressing my feelings and asked him how he would feel if I was the one to have had an affair.  Well I think that worked.  He finally realized that we do need to take about it to get past it and not walk around the giant elephant thats in the middle of our marriage.  Well he has been home for 2 days now, and we still haven't talked yet.  I am still very uneasy about the whole thing, but I came to realize that I love him with all my heart and because of this I want to get past this and for my children.  I'm not sure if I should be the one to start a conversation or should I give him more time to start it.

 
July 24, 2005, 10:30 pm CDT

Not a Man

Right, where to start. I have been married to my husband for 28yrs, we have 3 grown up children and are now living on our own. My husband works a job where he is away for a month and home for a month. He was working in Asia for a number of years and while there he started having affairs, one night stands or whatever. This started in the year 2000. i knew something was up and would ask him but of course he denied. Anyway, 18months ago he finally came home and told the truth or part of. He said he had taken a lot of women back to his hotel room, then he changed it to about 5 women, so believe what you want cause I do. He is a constant liar, white lies, black lies and every colour in between. We have not had any sexual contact since 2000, the year he started in Asia. He is on medication for Diabettes and he said it was affecting his libido and he could not get aroused. I had asked him to go see the Dr and we could go together to see about the problem but he always told me he would go when he was ready and that he wasn't really interested anyway. Obviously a lie cause he was interested enough in Asia. To this day he hasn't gotten any help. He knows how I feel, I want the closeness, the intimacy. Anyway, we really have tried to get over the cheating side of things, we had councelling but it still hurts. I find it hard to get over because he was having sex with other women and not me and he is still telling me he is not interested in sex and asks why I can't just accept it. He is still lying to me. Last month he had to go back to Singapore for a few days for work and while he was there he went back to his old self. I got a call at 2am, he was drunk and he wanted me to cancel his credit cards, he lost his wallet. He said he just went out to the 7/11 and must have dropped it on the street. He shouldn't have been out at that time in the morning, he shouldn't have been drinking so much that he would get himself into that state. I know he was lying about where he went, he knows I don't like him drinking a lot. He can't just go out for a beer or two, he keeps drinking till he gets himself into trouble. I am sick of the same old stuff. How can he expect me to start having trust in him when he doesn't let the problems stop, it is one thing after another. Why would he keep lying and acting this way? Yes, I know it's because I allow it, I let him treat me this way. That's what Dr Phil would say but I just had to get this off my chest.
 
July 24, 2005, 10:39 pm CDT

Also----

Right, where to start. I have been married to my husband for 28yrs, we have 3 grown up children and are now living on our own. My husband works a job where he is away for a month and home for a month. He was working in Asia for a number of years and while there he started having affairs, one night stands or whatever. This started in the year 2000. i knew something was up and would ask him but of course he denied. Anyway, 18months ago he finally came home and told the truth or part of. He said he had taken a lot of women back to his hotel room, then he changed it to about 5 women, so believe what you want cause I do. He is a constant liar, white lies,black liesand every colour in between. We have not had any sexual contact since 2000, the year he started inAsia. He is on medication for Diabettes and he said it was affecting his libido and he could not get aroused. I had asked him to go see the Dr and we could go together to see about the problem but he always told me he would go when he was ready and that he wasn't really interested anyway. Obviously a lie cause he was interested enough in Asia. To this day he hasn't gotten any help. He knows how I feel, I want the closeness, the intimacy. Anyway, we really have tried to get over the cheating side of things, we had councelling but it still hurts. I find it hard to get over because he was having sex with other women and not me and he is still telling me he is not interested in sex and asks why I can't just accept it. He is still lying to me. Last month he had to go back to Singapore for a few days for work and while he was there he went back to his old self.I got a call at 2am, he was drunk and he wanted me to cancel his credit cards, he lost his wallet. He said he just went out to the 7/11 and must have dropped it on the street. He shouldn't have been out at that time in the morning, he shouldn't have been drinking so much that he would get himself into that state. I know hewas lying about where he went, he knows I don't like him drinking a lot. He can't just go out for a beer or two, he keeps drinking till he gets himself into trouble. I am sick of the same old stuff. How can he expect me to start having trust in him when he doesn't let the problems stop, it is one thing after another. Why would he keep lying and acting this way? Yes, I know it's because I allow it, I let him treat me this way. That's what Dr Phil would say but I just had to get this off my chest.
I also wanted to say or ask, how can he expect me to live the rest of our lives without any intimacy? Is it fair? i honestly don't know if I could live for another 30 or 40yrs like I am. By the way I am 46yrs old/young. It might sound stupid but I feel I need affection, I would like to have sex with my husband, I would like him to want me. It hurts so much when I think that he doesn't want me but he wanted the other women. My mind is turning somersaults trying to decide what to do. I have always loved him but I am at the stage now that I don't like him very much. It would be really hard for me starting over again. I don't work and I don't know what to do.
 
July 25, 2005, 4:57 am CDT

husband cheated w/ best friend

ok never done this before but here i go.

I was married almost 14 years and have 4 kids. My husband cheated on me w/ my best friend and left me and our 4 kids to be with her. Now they are married and just had a baby 1 week ago. This just happened 9 months ago. Our divorce wasn't done until January 2005. Do the math? My kids are my #1 concern. My ex- husband has turned their world upside down and they have a hard time even going over to his house. It has done a number on me also. How could either one of them do that? How could someone you love and trust so darely destroy your life? I have a thousand question w/ no answers. Was I that bad of a wife and thats why he did it? After 9 months its still tares me apart. Never thought he would ever cheat on me. Was I just nieve to think that? Thanks for letting me vent!

 
July 25, 2005, 10:49 am CDT

the rest of the story... (sorry about the blank post)

Quote From:

  We first began dating in college- we bonded as friends first, then as lovers.  When he came to see me at graduation, he met my parents; actually, he had met my father previously, when he was a student of his, when we were first dating. Believe me, this was a surprise to both of us; my last name isn't rare, and I hadn't mentioned he was teaching at the university. In any case, my father did not take it well, and came to my apartment several days later, and threatened to disown me if I continued the relationship.  Why? my SO is black, and I am white.  Not-my-daughter still lives out there...
  So, into the closet we went. Yes, it was sad and frustrating, keeping an important part of my life from my family, but I didn't want to give up either one.
    We had gone through a rough patch about 4 years later, I broke up with him, and shortly after, began a relationship with a coworker.  In retrospect, the coworker helped precipitate the breakup, but I was young and dumber then.  This man (white) was accepted by my family, and all went well, for a while. He turned out to be quite the bundle of pathology- lying, cheating, gaslighting- and I had actually been engaged to him.  He finally left me for another woman; people in the ward he had transferred to told me his ways hadn't changed.  Thank God he moved to the West Coast and out of my life.
    I got in touch with SO, since he had been my best friend before I left him, and we renewed the friendship- he got me through hell, to be blunt, when he could have said "serves you right for leaving me for him".  Time passed- I had declared a relationship moratorium for about a year, and he was dating someone at the time.  Later, after he stopped dating her (amicably, they are still friends), and I felt ready to be involved again, we renewed the relationship.  Years passed- I was living about 65 miles away, working on my Ph.D, and I moved back into the area where he lived. Still living in the closet with regards to my dad- my mom I finally confided in.
    A couple of years later, I was stressed out because I had completely changed careers, and had a 2-hour-a-day commute to boot, and I pulled away from him, then broke up with him. Not because of another man, but because I thought that was the only thing that could give at that point. Stupid, yes, and I hurt him badly.  About 6 months later, we reconciled, and after some healing time, got back on track again.
    A couple more years passed (I'm skipping things like career issues and such, but we were always there for each other), and I was planning to buy the home I was renting.  We had been talking about moving in together, and marriage, and I decided that I needed to resolve things with my dad.  Maybe because of the years gone past, or other things that had happened in our family since- he accepted the SO, and in the last couple of years he had become a wonderful part of my family.
    So why hadn't he moved in yet? I'm one of those people with *major* clutter problems- no animal waste- I've seen those shows- mostly paper, paper, paper, and crafts stuff- too much stuff.  I'd made some inroads, but not much, not enough.  He worried about my safety, and that I was crowding him out so he couldn't move in.  I had started to worry about that, too, when my own annus horribilis began this spring.  He already had been moving boxes into the basement- we were making some progress, when my life went all to hell.
    So, when I was deeply depressed, and trying to hide from the world, and getting my meds increased (good-bye sex drive)- I spent less time with him, we were rarely intimate, and I didn't want to keep burdening him with the rotten things I was going through- he's been going through grief at work, too.  He didn't want to add to my stress by telling me his concerns, so he began confiding in his family, his friends- including a woman who's been his friend since childhood. She was a friend of mine, too.  At the time he went to see her, he thought I was leaving him again.  He had never seen me truly depressed before, did not know that was why I was isolating myself, and I've told you what happened since.  There's been anger, tears, frustration, and confusion on both our parts since.
    Right now, he's off with her; he told me it would be separate rooms, and that he would not be intimate with her.  He is genuinely afraid he has destroyed both our relationship and his friendship with her.  You'd have to know him- he is usually honest to an extreme- in his job, he could get involved in corruption and bribery and all that- and everyone knows that would never happen. It's one of the things I admire about him. So I am trying to take his promise at face value; I knew something was very wrong as soon as he came back from visiting her when they became intimate, last month. I confirmed what happened only a couple of days later. He would not be able to conceal a lie now, I believe.  He knows that honesty is one of the things necessary to save this relationship, if that is what happens.

So there it is- he arrived there yesterday; he said he will call me each night.  He'll be back Thursday, and I guess we will resolve where we are going then. I have contributed to this situation; I am not a victim. So please, don't call him a rat bastard yet- I've been there, believe me- and will not tolerate such behaviour again.  He is the only man in my life whose ass would not already have been kicked and gone by now- we've been together about 20 years all told, and I'm hoping we will get through this and this will only be a sad point in our history someday.

Sorry if I've raved on too long-please wish me luck and strength in the days to come- I'll need both. Advice welcomed and appreciated- it'll be a long couple of days.

I'll check back in by the end of the week.
pressing on regardless,
Weblizard
 
July 25, 2005, 11:32 am CDT

TO: Hurt Bad

Quote From: hurtbad

I also wanted to say or ask, how can he expect me to live the rest of our lives without any intimacy? Is it fair? i honestly don't know if I could live for another 30 or 40yrs like I am. By the way I am 46yrs old/young. It might sound stupid butI feel I need affection, I would like to have sex with my husband, I would like him to want me. It hurts so much when I think that he doesn't want me but he wanted the other women.My mind is turning somersaults trying to decide what to do. I have always loved him but I am at the stage now that I don't like him very much. It would be really hard for me starting over again. I don't work and I don't know what to do.

Just to say you are not alone in dealing with a husband that wonders.  I just experienced not the exactly the same thing but similar.  I told my husband that I was giving him the freedom that he wanted.  He replied by saying that's not what I want. I said that's not what your actions are telling me.  Believe me this was the most difficult decision I have ever made in my life and it has been difficult to sustain as I still love him and have three children at home.  Before he moved out (2wks ago) I gave hime a choice; If you want to have this marriage then you must be 100% committed to me and our family, nothing less is acceptable.  I gave him Dr Phil's book Life Stategies to help him identify his shortcomings and hopefully gain insight into his stupid actions. It has been very difficult for himself as well as he has trouble understanding himself, but I do believe this is the first time he has ever been challenged to be a better person and not settle for less.  To go any further into detail would take forever to understand the whole picture, but I completely understand how you must be feeling.  To feel rejected by someone you gave your heart to is difficult to bear and understand.  I suggest that read Dr Phil's Life stategies to help you identify want you want in your life.  Start focusing on your desires and needs, make decisions to preserve yourself.  You must decide what you are willing to live with or not willing to live with not anyone else.  Information and knowledge is the best type of power.  I am 40years old/young and find this scary but I will not live my life anymore in pain and fear!  You can not change him, he has to want to change himself!!!!

 

 
July 25, 2005, 3:21 pm CDT

Where do we go from here?

About a year ago, my husband had an affair while I was out of town visiting children and grandchildren.  I suspected something was going on and returned home unexpectedly.  I caught him with the other woman. 

Moving on, this other woman is no longer around.  I have forgiven my husband and gotten over the anger for his betrayal.  I have had counseling and been on antidepressants.  I realized what mistakes that I made in our relationship and have worked on changing my hurtful behaviors.  My husband even says that he notices the big changes that I have made.

Two weeks before our anniversary, my husband told me that he wanted a divorce.  A couple of days later, he asked to try again.  This has occurred 3 or 4 times since then.  Most recently, we have separated and my husband cannot say that he wants a divorce; however, he is fearful that he will not be able to forgive himself for what he has done to me and that we cannot recapture the feelings of love and romance that we had before all of this happened.  I have faith that God does mean for us to be together but it is very difficult at times especially since I am the only one who feels this way.  Does anyone have any helpful advice for me?

 
July 25, 2005, 8:52 pm CDT

Tnliza, I hope I am wrong, but it sounds...

Quote From: tinliza

About a year ago, my husband had an affair while I was out of town visiting children and grandchildren. I suspected something was going on and returned home unexpectedly. I caught him with the other woman.

Moving on, this other woman is no longer around. I have forgiven my husband and gotten over the anger for his betrayal. I have had counseling and been on antidepressants. I realized what mistakes that I made in our relationship and have worked on changing my hurtful behaviors. My husband even says that he notices the big changes that I have made.

Two weeks before our anniversary, my husband told me that he wanted a divorce. A couple of days later, he asked to try again. This has occurred 3 or 4 times since then. Most recently, we have separated and my husband cannot say that he wants a divorce; however, he is fearful that he will not be able to forgive himself for what he has done to me and that we cannot recapture the feelings of love and romance that we had before all of this happened. I have faith that God does mean for us to be together but it is very difficult at times especially since I am the only one who feels this way. Does anyone have any helpful advice for me?

Tnliza, I hope I am wrong, but it sounds like your husband may be up to his old tricks, unless you are talking about in the middle of an argument, he threatened you with divorce.

Another thing I want to say is, that you need to stop placing blame on yourself  for your husband's infidelity. He chose to  do that,  and even if you have blame as to why the marriage was going south, you have no blame for the infidelity.

One thing that may help, is if the two of you could get away together, just the two of you. Sometimes getting away to a neutral place, that is foreign to both of you can help. Rekindling a romance is not a fast process, you didn't' get where you are right now in a  day or  two, and it will take time to get things back on track, but both need to be willing.

Earning back trust is the biggest thing you can possibly do to heal for the both of you, as there is no relationship without trust, and bringing up the past is like flicking a scab off an old wound. It can cause the bleeding to start all over again. I hope this helps.

 
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