Topic : Cheated On

after 8 whole months of marriage my new husband gets arrested for soliciting a minor for sex on the internet.  he is 27 I am 37 and the would be girl was 15. except for the fact that it was cops waiting for him when he got there to have sex with a 15 year old child. This ass tells me that he didnt do anything! of course not the police we there Thank GOD!  anyway I want a divorce and he doesnt understand why. I have 2 children from a previous relationship. A girl 14 and a boy 10. Atleast he was smart enough to leave my kids alone. Anyway lastnight he decides to tell me that I am not being a good wife and honoring my wedding vows, until death do us part and I should as his wife stand by him through his trial and etc....well what about the wedding vows when you went to F@#K a 15 year old girl??? he just doesnt get it..it is like he is blaming me for his mess up. I know he will be going to jail but he denies it him and his mother do.. I know I did not do anything wrong. I wasnt a perfect wife I could have tried harder I guess but I didnt betray him I was faithful if nothing else... 

Never done this before, need someone to talk to that is neutral.  I have been married for just shy of 19 years now.  Took on alot of baggage  when we got  married.  I knew he was an alcoholic but just knew I could change him.  Have learned alot since then!  He has stopped drinking and as far as I can tell has only had two falls off the wagon since 1992.  Our married life has never been perfect , (he came from a broken home and I think that there are issues that he will never tell anyone about )but has been as good as I felt I could expect , he has never been very affectionate, his idea of a passionate imbrace is standing limp and patting me on the back when I hug him.  If I call him on the cell phone at work during the day you can hear the irritation in his voice, basically have tried not to call him anymore unless there is no other choice.  He works on the road and has just recently had to get a new job because the last company that he worked for left the country.  To get the new job he had to move three hours away from home (the whole family moving was out of the question because of  school for the kids and other family members illnesses).  He is a good provider, a great worker and very talented at everything he tries to do.  I know that he can be different than I have described because sometimes he slips up and lets another part of him show.

The problem that is finaly to the point of killing me is this, I think that he is having an affair.  He has never had much of a sex drive (or I have been REALLY dense for a long time).  We lived together for a few months before we got married (he came over and would not leave).  The first few weeks we acted like I would think a young couple would then we decided to wait till we got married to have sex.  We never got back up to the same level of freqency,  we are basically a sexless marriage.  There have been times that 6 months have passed between times.  I am not expecting everyday, or even every weekend (the only time he is home) but he could start the act instead of it always being me. (I think that he has started the act 4 times since our 15 year old was born)  Now he has lost weight, got new glasses, bought a few new clothes (he NEVER did that before without having a gun to his head) will not let go of his cell phone (but I get the bill with the call records printed out) and spends most of his time out in the shop he built in the back yard and has female names on his list of IM friends.   Do people (men) with basically no sex drive have affairs?  Sometimes I even wonder if he is gay and having one with a man in the next town.  When he comes home on weekends he cannot wait to leave, often he leaves early so he will be rested or not have to drive as far the next day, he also spends extra nights out at the trailer we set up for him to get a good nights rest before coming home (even if he has not had a hard day).  It does not seem plausable to have an affair because he is not in the same town very often but I guess that anything is possible.

Am I just parnoid or is it possible,  I do not want to be just the maid, babysitter, cook, personal assistant.  We are married and I want all that that means! 

My first thought whil reading through your message is - maybe he is gay.  I guess it's a possibility, who knows? He has no sex drive for you, maybe his preference is not women.   I can understand his emotional wall the he surrounds himself in as it sounds like that wall of emotional protection came along somewhere in his childhood.  He may have started drinking early on to numb the pain he faced as a child.  He has never been affectionate and probably doesn't even know how to be, probably afraid of getting hurt again.

Me personally would hire a Private Investigator to follow him around and find out what he is doing while away from you.  Something is wrong, he's losing weight, buying new clothes, keeping his phone attahced to his body and running from home the first chance he gets.  You've got a lot of red flags and need to find out what he is up to.  One of the woman that I correspond with from these boards did just that and sure enough her hubby was having an affair.  It certainly is a possibility but the only way you can find out is to have him followed.  I know that sounds drastic but I don't see another way around this.

HI,

I also have been married almost 19 years in a increasingly sexless marriage and our children are 11 and 6.  We have recently gone a year without any action at all and I assumed it was stress of busy lives/work for him etc.. From Ajn 1 on more distant , critical and in MAy said unhappy six years. I tried everything he didn't want to try. REALLY long story short I am filinf Monday for divorce sadly but know it is thing to do for my emotional health and children's too.

You are seeing lots of signs that something is going on...Please trust your gut and I would agree with other person who said hire a PI-it is expensive but frankly it sounds like it would be easy to "catch" your husband and so maybe wouldn't cost  a whle whole lot.  I paid $1500 retainer and got nothing but name of girl he had a naked picture of on cell opheon and where she lives.  Never caught him and he is hard to follow all day due to his job.  Anyway if you got proof from 3rd party then you would have a slam dunk case for court and would get a better settlement or at least feel vindicated and not like he may try to mak you feel -you are inadequate not what he needs etc....just remember he made his choices so he has to take responsibilty for them.   I am sorry for you and me both!!!  No one deserves to be cheated on.... Good Luck

There are alot of people- mostly men? (and some women) who think that there is oly one type of cheating-sleeping and having physical relations with some one else other than your spouse or S/O-

But there are other ways too- I hope more attention is paid to that in the future- Like studies and on the Dr Phil show and all the new therapy shows that are up and coming-

Emotional cheating-

Mental cheating-

These are just as hurtful if not more than physical cheating-  ( I experieneced that pain and betrayal more times than I care to count)

IEmotional and mental cheating is not ok and I hope none of you ladies (and some gentlemen) tolerate it-

Do not feel like you are making a big deal out of it- you are not-

And it is -most of the time-not about jealousy-  

That means you care about yourself and  you deserve to be respected- 

I think one of the saying  goes- treat others as you would like your self to be treated-something like that-

And if there is any one out there  doing something that could be hurting the one you love-  as you know it is not a good thing-  I believe I heard Dr Phil say many times- You do the crime you do the time-

I am looking foward to season number FIVE-of his show!

Hope you all have a good day and thank you for reading my post-All I wanted to do was make a couple of points- 

I have a question-though?     Why do people feel they need to cheat?   

I whole heartedly agree with the premise of this post...

"Cheating" is not just the act of sex with another person, but it is all the lying, omissions, dishonesty, flirting, inappropriate dialouge, and things you would *NEVER* do if your spouse was there that leads up to, and may include the act of sex. If a married person is flirting with someone behind the back of their spouse and it never gets to the point that they actually "do the horizontal mambo"...it in NO WAY gets them off the hook...intent is everything here...the real act of "cheating" is the deception leading up to the act.

Now to answer your question..."Why do people feel the need to cheat?"...

My answer is probably going to be very unpopular on *this* forum, and will probably be met with anger and resentment. But I am honest, and that is often the bi-product of honesty.

I don't beleive that Monogamy is natural, and people feel the "need" (not my choice of words) to cheat, whether it be physically, emotionally or whether it is expressed through abondonment, anger or sloth...because they enter INTO relationships dishonestly. Everyone has extra-marital attractions, yet most people can't, or moreover *won't* communicate those feelings, so they sneak around. THIS IS NO EXCUSE...I am just saying that is why I beleive  (in the short version) that people betray one another. If they were to communicate honestly in todays society, they'd often be met with resentmant and anger from their spouse.

The most successful, happy, loving marriages that *I* have ever seen are those that DO NOT practice monogamy. In fact, I know very few marriages that claim to be monogomous that seem very healthy to me. Half of the marriages in this country end in divorce, most of the other half are miserable (read through *this* forum)...I don't understand that when an alternative presents itself that is working for a significant number of people it is met with the hostility this generates. Non-Mons (my term for non monogaous couples) DO NOT expect this solution to apply to everyone, or even most people, but for some reason, people that folow the traditional path resent when happy loving couples...consenting adults, chose *this* path.

It works for a lot of people.

I am here for you my sisters!!!

I know you did all you could to prove that you are or were the one for him.  I know you were the one there for him when he needed a shoulder.  You trusted him.  Gave your life to him thinking he would do the right thing by you in protecting you from all hurt and danger.  However, in spite of all you've do to prove your love and loyalty to him; still, he stepped outside of your relationship and/or marriage and gave his physical and emotional love to another woman.  He betrayed your love for him.

Yes, it hurts like H****.  However, I want you to stop crying right now and look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you done nothing wrong to deserve what you got from him.  You are not the reason he hurt you.  You are beautiful and God has blessed you with the love and knowledge to know how to treat a man.  It is just that the knowledge and love and was wasted on the wrong man. 

Men make mistakes and we all know this. Sometimes even the best of men make these mistakes.  However, it takes a real man to admit his wrongdoing and ask for forgiveness and promises to never hurt his partner again. 

In the mean time, it is imperative you stop crying and trying to fight to keep him.  Let him go to embark upon the relationship he has sought outside of you.  The best defense to this type of issue is no defense at all.  It would hurt him more if you just simply open the door and let him go.  If you must cry, do it when he is gone and not in his presence.  Hold back those tears and let them flow when he is gone.  

Do not call him and do not accept his phone calls.  In doing all of this, you are really making him stop and think about what he is doing (if he should discover that he really does love you afterall).   

If you were good to him, he will not forget it and will begin remembering everything good about you.  He will begin to imagine you being with another man and possibly falling in love and marrying another man.  If he loves you, this will begin to hurt and haunted him almost immediately. 

At this point, he will begin to treat the other woman the way he treated you before he left because he is now beginning to blame leaving you on her and this will cause him to look at the other women through different eyes.  He now feels that it was not that he loved the other woman which drew him to her, it was mere lust for her sexually.  He now knows that the true love in his heart lyes with you (the woman he hurt and left) and sex with you was just as great (if not better) than the other woman.

Now he has decided he wants his ex back.  Is it too late?  Will you take him back?  Was the hurt and pain too great to even consider giving him a second chance?  I don't know; however it is up to you to decide that.  I will say this, should you decide to take him back, it is extremely important that you let him know that he can never, ever hurt you again.  Let him know that you loved him before then and you love him now; however, during the process you discovered that God had given you strength to stand and endure the pain you suffered at his hand.  Tell him God has blessed you with the "Gift Of Goodbye" and should he ever lose his mind again and forget who really loves him and was there for him like a wife through thick and thin; you will be forced to used your God given gift and say "Goodbye" for ever.

I AM YOUR SISTER AND I LOVE ALL OF YOU!!!!