Topic : Cheated On

I know you love this man - but - trust is an absolute must have in going forward with your relationship.  Does he tell you why his hair is wet or why he looks like he has just taken a shower?  I'm sorry, but there is absolutely no excuse in the world for him to continue an affair; knowing how much he is hurting you.  You must find out, first, if he is, in fact, continuing the affair; even if it means doing some investigation on your own.  He may very well love you, but feels he has to have this little 'extra excitiement' in his life.  It will be the downfall of your marriage.  Just the fact he knows you are hurting and distrustful is enough for him to stop it immediately.  Yeah, will there be 'this phase' he is going through and then, later on, a 'new phase' he is going through?  He needs to take those 'lustfull' feelings and head them in YOUR direction; not hers; so that you can recapture what he feels he is missing so much. 

Your friends mean well, but you can't continue to take this type of abuse; not from someone who is 'suppossedly in love with you so much'.  Would he stand for it if it was the other way around?  Get your facts straight and then you can tell him you KNOW he is continuing on with it.  He should be AFRAID TO DEATH that you will leave him.  He is being nothing but self-centered and self-serving.  Hope the other ladies can give you some advise, also.  I just don't believe anyone should have to put up with infidelity at all, and then if you are nice enough to forgive him once he has been unfaithful, he should be on his hands and knees begging your forgiveness and showing you, every day and in every way, that he is totally committed to you.  I've been there; and my husband KNOWS if he every does it again, there will not be a second chance,  with me.  I am worth more than that.  mmarie

Hi,

I am so sorry that you've been through nearly the same thing as I have, because I know exactly how it feels.    It's just terrible to deal with, but let me tell you, that I have been trying to do all of the things my theapist recommends to me, and the books I've read tell me to do, which is to try to keep busy, #1 Your kids and yourself are the most important thing for you to focus on right now, and you need to just try as hard as you can to focus on their well being and your own.  It takes a lot of energy to be  a mom, and all of the sudden you lose a lot of energy and self confidence when this happens, sometimes you feel so down about yourself, and useless and you have to tell yourself this is him, this is not your fault,  You want to take as good of care of yourself as you can, that includes keeping yourself happy, pampering yourself, doing special things for yourself that make you feel good about you (it really helps a lot),   Do special things with your kids too, if you can.  Doesn't have to be expensive, but just keep close knit emotionally with them, because it's got to be very hard on them too.  My kids did very well.,  They never complained about it, and I know they were hurting too, it wasn't all about me, it was about all of us.  So do what you can to help support them, and help them to realize that they still have a very stable mom who cares about them and their well being very much.  Get help if you can, I'd say that has helped me tremendously.  I am lucky enough that my insurance covers about 30 visits per year, and after a co-payment of about $44.00, that is all I've had to pay per visit, and the support and knowledge I've gotten from her is sooooooo helpful and reassuring.  Remember, he is a jerk, or at least acting like one, he is only thinking about himself right now, and is not showing that he cares about his family, he has just left them all, and the reason he probably doesn't call or stop by, is because he doesn't have the courage to stand up, and be a man, and take care of his responsibilities as he should, so he avoid it all.  This is the way he is right now, and all you can do is help yourself to become a stronger woman, and not allow this to affect your life to a point where it start tearing you apart emotionally.  It's not worth that.  A man that does this to his family is not worth that.  I have spent the last 7 months, since my husband left me, beating myself up, and hoping every day that he'd come back, or change his mind, and he did many times change his mind, and we'd start dating, and he'd tell me he just wanted me to stay in his life and he didn't care about anyone else, but he was so afraid to come back home.  I couldn't imagine how bad it was here, he has a beautiful new home here we moved into a year and a half ago, and two great kids, we're not a crazy wild family, we are happy, quiet, and are close.  So, I could not figure out why this is so hard for him to be here again, except for my therapist says he just doesn't want to be in a committed relationship anymore.  .He might not know how anymore, and he is being so selfish, all he is caring and thinking about is himself.    This is a problem HE has, not us.  I have recommended for him to get therapy umpteen times, and at first he wanted to, but never made a phone call, and eventually around christmas time,  I quit hearing from him, and ended up he's been seeing her the whole time, and it seems to be getting serious.  I did the best thing by putting a stop to this, and telling him I am calling a lawyer this week.  He's probably relieved, who knows really.  He's had the whole ball in his park this whole time, because I was afraid to make boundaries with him, and he took advantage of it, came over when he wanted and asked me out when he wanted, and would tell me it's over when he wanted, and then tell me he wanted me back when he wanted.  I felt like a yo yo, and he's done this to me before, about 4 years ago.  He was gone a year then too.  So, I have gotten used to this, and nothing is worse really, than this happening to you by a person you loved and thought you could trust the past 26 years.  He might as well be dead, is how I feel sometimes.  He is out of our lives - he is part of the kids lives once or twice a week, but now he also is in this woman's life that has three kids herself, and he is busy doing things with them!  I never ever ever in my dreams thought he'd want any other kids to have to support at this time in his life.  He's 47.  I think sometimes he's lost himself.  He acts so up and down sometimes, as in confused, that it just doesn't seem very normal.  Hes changed his mind so many times, it's just not what most people do.  It's so hard to see him be this way, but it is the way it is, and after 7 months, I think I am finally feeling more confident in myself because I have finally felt strong enough to make a choice myself, no matter what he wants or says, I have made a decision.  I think he is a bit shocked I did, because the last time he left me I never made any decisions, and I just allowed him to drag it all on for a whole year, and I really should have ended this behavior way back then.  I just didn't feel like I could.  Please try to take care of yourself, maybe take a little of my advice, and if you ever need anyone to talk to, I am usually on these boards quite often.  You will be o.k., even though it doesn't seem like it right now, but realize you are a wonderful woman, and you didn't deserve what he has done, and it takes an immature man, and a selfish man to do something like this to his family.  It is totally wrong and unacceptable, and he doesn't deserve to come home to you, but you have to decide if that will be allowed to happen or not.  I think at this point he doesn't really seem worth trusting and you just have to trust your own instincts about the choices you should be making,  Take care, I hope I helped a little.  :)  Wendy 

You did the right thing so stop second guessing yourself.  You are his wife and you were being treated like the "other woman".  You've got two very impressionable boys living with you and you need to show them what self worth and self respect is all about.  That there are consequences when a husband cheats on his partner and as the strongest female role model your sons have, they neeed to learn that this is not okay and unacceptable.  You as their mother should not be treated like a second class citizen or a doormat. Your front door is not a revolving front door. He made a conscience choice to walk out on you and his family to live with another woman and her kids regardless of your feelings or the boys feelings.    What a guy!

I would sugges to you to getinto therapy today to get a plan in place.  Your kids are certainly feeling abandoned as well and therapy may do them some good as well.  This has been going on for a few months, I realize that you are still devestated but you have to come to a point in time where an attorney needs to be contacted.  It almost sounds like to me that he is going through a mid life crisis and this can last a very long time.  (Do some research on the web about it, it's kinda like male menopause) and there is not a damn thing you can do about it!  What is the most heartbreaking thing is that he has abandoned your kids.  Support them emotionally every single day and remind them that this is not their fault.  Your husbands lack of character, values and morals is something you can not ignore.  I want to tell you to run to any attorney today and file your papers but you are not ready for that yet, so please at least start therapy so you can talk to a professional and sort out your feelings, get some ideas as to how to help your sons and get

some self worth back  and prepare for the day when you are ready to seen a lawyer.  Good luck to you and you boys.

My husband cheated on me almost a year ago and I just found out in Dec. Anyway, we have tried to work it out but he just doesn't seem to care that much. He just thinks by telling me he is sorry  and he really regrets it that I should just accept that and get over it and move on. We have been together for almost 20 yrs. and I always considered him my soul mate. I never dreamed he would do this to me. I doubted my instincts and tried to believe him even though I knew deep down that he was cheating. He has done nothing to prove to me that he loves me still and that the relationship with the other woman is over but I still feel like he is talking to her still. He denies it everytime I ask him but my son in-law heard him talking to her. I dont want to lose him or anything else I have., I don't want to start over. I am at a loss. I don't know what to do anymore. It seems like I am the one to make the first move on anything. Talking, Notes, Lovemaking.etc.Any advise out there?!!!!

I am so sorry to hear how hard this has been for you.  Like you, I never thought my husband would cheat on me.  But, like I wrote in my earlier email, I think this is survivable if you and your husband still love each other.  I was a little worried when you wrote in your email that you always have to take the initiative on things (notes, lovemaking, etc.)  Have you ever told your husband that it would make you feel better if he initiated these things?  Does he ever ask you what you need to feel better?  I think it's true that some men are oblivious to feelings -- or they think they are showing us their emotions when they really aren't.  On the other hand, your husband has to show you SOMETHING -- I think that part of the healing process is that our husbands have to show us compassion.  We have to know that they care about the hurt that they caused and are willing to take extra steps to make up for the tremendous pain caused by their betrayal.

I wonder if it might help if you asked him what HE would need from YOU if the tables were turned.  Maybe if he could put himself in your shoes it would help him see what he needs to do.  You didn't mention counselling in your letter -- have you tried seeing a therapist?  We found a really good marriage counselor and I know it has been an important part of the healing process.  I think it was good for my husband to hear a professional validate my feelings.  And, it was really good for me to have the therapist point out that different people process their emotions differently.  It sounds so basic, but it helped me see that even though my husband reacted differently -- he still was feeling the same level of emotion that I was feeling.

I wish I had some better advice -- I know how hard this is!!  Keep trying to get your husband to open up -- from your email, it sounds like good communication would help you a lot right now.  And one more thing, even though there is NO EXCUSE for your husband's affair, he likely feels very bad or embarrassed (or something else) by what he did.  Talking about it makes him experience those emotions again -- and maybe adds to his reluctance to open up to you.

If he can't reassure you and at least meet you half way, I think you need to tell him very honestly that he isn't doing enough.  You need to feel loved and it is his responsibility to show you that. 

Good luck with everything.  Take care of yourself and don't lose sight of the good things that you have in your life.  (I know that sounds crazy at a time like this, but I remember during the first awful days after I found out about my husband's affair, I would focus on how lucky I was to have three children who loved me unconditionally, my health, the support of friends, etc.  This sounds sort of pollyanna-ish -- but it helped!) I'd be happy to exchange more emails.    

I suspected something was going on and when I confronted my husband, I was told that I was "crazy".   I bought a voice-activated tape recorder and placed it in his van (they're really small, and only record when there's sound).   I needed to confirm that I was "crazy" and over-reacting.   On the FIRST day, I got my husband on audio tape very "close" to the act (tape stops after two hours of recording) It was enough for me.   Anyway, stick one of these either in his car or in an area where there are outgoing phonecalls, and you may find something...just like I did.