Quote From: ritehere You said you were going to give it a year, with no thoughts of divorce. But what will you do differently so that it's not just and repeat of last year? (What you did last year didn't work did it?)
You said that your husband is going to counseling and you see guilt, etc. But he won't "hurt" this married woman by telling her it's over in a way that will convince you that it is over.
How can this be called a genuine and sincere attempt to get your marriage out of the ditch if he won't do the ONE thing that will guarantee that his full attention is where it should be?
In my opinion, his counseling is just an empty gesture to you to get you to stay if he won't tell the other woman it's over for good. I think he refuses to do this because he holds out hope that he can continue on just the way it was after you cool down, and go back to turning a blind eye.
His "wish" that it will all just disappear is not what you should settle for.
You want respect and honesty, but in order to get those things you have to be worthy of it and willing to treat yourself with honesty and respect. Your actions towards him should have some teeth to them as you have allowed this to go on so long that he thinks it will continue.
Here is a possible suggestion: You can agree not to divorce him for a year, but that doesn't mean you have to put up with him for a year. He can do what it takes to win you back without you having to live with him, wash his clothes, cook his meals or anything else you do for him. You can tell him that his refusal to do what you need him to do, ergo telling this woman goodbye in your presense, just proves to you that he thinks you are not worth it. So you separate from him in whatever fashion works for you- by moving out and staying with family, or getting a formal separation drawn up where he still supports you and the kids. This puts teeth into your request that he show you respect and honesty. You show him with your actions that you mean business. Meanwhile though, I still urge you to get counseling with him, and personal counseling of your own also.
Don't be timid about it thinking that your moving out would only give him an excuse to do whatever he wants, heck, he's already doing whatever he wants. Your point is to show him what you want, and if he's not going to treat you with the honesty and respect you deserve, you will respect YOURSELF by taking yourself out of his sphere of influence.
Why do you feel that the only guarantee of his full attention would be to stick it to her in her face? He does have the wish that it will all disappear, don't we all at some point or another? The difference this time is that I am aware of what is going on around me having resolved the issues around the death of my grandmother. He knows I am here and watching and am going to make every little move uncomfortable for him. Secondly, he wanted out of that relationship the first time, I could tell by his email and writings to her. "Please let me go, find someone who can give you what you need", I love my wife and children, this secret life is killing me and I don't want to go on with it" "this will kill my wife, she doesn't deserve this" "I don't know how to stop this from happening, I don't know how to stop wanting you, please just get out of my life". He had no plans on how to end it the first time. It happened suddenly, she told, I threatened to leave, with that he felt alone, hurt, ashamed and she was there to open her loving arms to him and say "here, here, poor baby, your wife doesn't deserve you like I do".
Another thing different this year is that her anger was directed towards him not giving her what she wanted from him. She said things like "you are avoiding me, thanks for the lack of attention on the following holidays and my B-day, etc." I could read that her anger steamed from giving the attention and love to his wife and family and for that she wanted to punish him, "you are cheating on me", she said. "I was yours first". She had nothing to offer me that was not older than a year except for her anger at him that he was avoiding phone calls, making excuses for not seeing her etc. Yea, in my reality he could of been a man, given some back bone and said "it's over, it's over, it's over." Instead she requested he come by get his things left in her car and she proceeded to seduce him. I could read in his letters where he was telling her, "it is over", I cannot and do not want to continue this" Wanting and doing are two different things, different this year is the wanting and doing are active.
What makes it hard for him to confront her is she controlled him by referring to herself as nothing more than a piece of ass to him, she loved him, how could he treat her that way, he ruined her marriage, she gave up so much for him, my heart is broken, your wife will be there regardless, please help me. She went on and on like a pathetic helpless midlife crises, almost made me feel sorry for her one human to another.
I don't really feel that I have to disgrace her to her face in other to move on, to get by, etc. Sometime I feel like the kid in me wants to run her off the road, egg her house etc. What would that change if anything. The woman is scared to death of me as it is. One time she thought I was driving behind her and she told my husband she thought she was going to have a nervous breakdown. She really has her own issues, and I'm not going to add to them to make myself look better, cause I wont feel any better in the end. Even then, there would be no guarantee that he wouldn't call her first and say "hey, I'm going over with the old lady and she wants me to tell you it's over, just know I don't mean it". So, really Rita, whether wrong or right, I don't really need that. What I need is presence from him. Knowing that he is here in mind body and spirit.
I had the chance to leave and he knows that I could and would. He knows about my pride, my class and my integrity and I would feel like I am only playing games with him to not take care of his needs for my own satisfaction. There are other actions going on that I haven't spoken about to get the size of my post to a readable level. We are in a marriage fitness program together, the counseling, where he has invited me to join his sessions, vowing what ever it takes to secure my feeling of commitment. He has talked daily about remarrying me, just allot of things going on that make things feel like they are headed for repair. I don't need my hubby and he knows it, I am with him because I chose to be. I did however make a promise and commitment to love, honor and cherish for better or worse. He knows that worse does not mean at the sake of giving up my own self.
I will mull over your thoughts and suggestions though for a few days because they are interesting points. Thanks again for sharing.. Also, wondering about the counseling, you mention it quite a bit. You seem very strong about solving issues through clinical intervention. What do you see the phyo arena being able to offer to me? Twice when I went with hubby I was dismissed. Maybe I'm missing something or need another therapist.
