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Topic : Cheated On
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May 19, 2007, 5:01 pm PDT
 Quote From: wiltee Hi Karie, What in the world is going on with you that makes you feel this way. If its a man is he really worth it if he makes you like this. If so get rid of him and get a dog,they love you know matter what and won't talk back. Karie have you ever been to see a therapist? I feel like you have a whole lot of issues botteld up inside of you and you are ready to explode. Im glad to hear that you don't plan on taking your life because that was the feeling I was picking up on. Please know that there are people that love and care for you and want you to be happy. I don't have my e-mail address on here but if you need some one to talk to I would be glad to post it for you. Just let me know. Please take care and maybe tommorrow will be better. can you post youe-mail addrees for me thanks |
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May 19, 2007, 6:03 pm PDT
Quote From: skinsgal I have been married to my husband for 23 years and with him for almost 28. We have 3 children. Our oldest is 21 and moved out. I have 17 1/2 and 14 year old boys left with me. Last Saturday, my oldest son found a cell phone from his mistress with loves messages back and forth. On Monday night, he and my youngest confronted their dad, and he admitted to having an affair for over a year, on a regular reoccuring basis.
We have not been intimate in over a year and a half, not because of me but because of my weight. I weigh over 300 lbs and so horribly fat. We have had marriage problems for years and years that is both of our faults. My husband is passive-agressive and liked to control me.
He moved out Monday night, we talked on Wednesday (I thought some really deep level conversations). He layed it out on the line that weight was the ultimate issue, but left the door open.
I met with his last night, evidently he took a long walk Thursday night and made his choice. He doesn't want to be married to his best friend, he wants to be married to his lover. He feels like he is ultimately standing up for what he wants and is being honest and feels that he is finally teaching his kids the importance of being honest with yourself regardless of who it damages. He has a right to be happy and he isn't willing to try one more time with me understanding everything that is on the table. Supposedly we had been working on our marriage the last 6 months, but how could we have when he had someone on the side.
I can't sleep, I don't want to eat. I am edgy, nervous, sick to my stomach, want to throw up, can't handle this pain and just plain don't know how to pick up.
Oh g-d we have made so many mistakes and our marriage for so long was hard, but we kept trying. What would have happened if he let me have this one last opportunity to lose weight and lived a healthier lifestyle.
I want to die.
Hi I know exactly how you feel. I have been marriad for 26 years and my husband left me 4 months ago to move in with another woman. I have 2 boys 19 and 12 who are very angry at their dad right now they don't have much to do with their dad because of the woman he is with but he says he is not going to leave her for them. I also wanted another chance to work on our marriage but he said we had already been trying which was news to me.since he already had someone else. he says he deserves to be happy and doesn't care about what he has done to the family. When this first happened I was the same way as you sick to my stomach couldn't sleep I cried all the time. I still have my days of crying and every day I hope and pray that he will come back but as time goes on it does get a little easier to deal with. I still feel the pain as if it happened yesterday but I force myself to move on for my sons. So as hard as it is, get all your crying out find someone who you can confide in and you can talk to. But things will get better because your not the one who cheated he is the one who did something wrong. He is not showing your boys the importance of being honest what he is showing them is that it doesn't matter who you hurt to get what you want. Like I told my husband if he wanted out of our marriage he should of did it before he found somebody new instead he waited till he had somebody all lined up to move in with. Believe me its not us its our husbands who are being selfish. Just hang in there because things will get better it just takes time. Its been 7 months since I found out about my husbands affair and I'm just starting to feel like myself again and get my head together. If you would like to talk I will give you my e-mail address because I know how hard this is for you right now. |
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May 19, 2007, 8:42 pm PDT
Hi Karie I hope things are looking up for you. Heres my e-mail address wilson_teena@yahoo.com I check my messages several times a day so I hope to hear from you soon.
Teena |
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May 19, 2007, 9:24 pm PDT
Quote From: expressit I have been married 34 years. My husband had an affair with another woman 10 years ago. It started as innocent phone conversations and ended up his going to see her without my knowledge several times until he was caught. She lived several states away. It ended with my letting him get away with it and no consequences because I was afraid to rock the boat as we have several businesses together and everything we have is tied up in our businesses.. We have four married children and all of them work at our business in one position or another. They all have their own homes, etc. but our business is their livelyhood.Now he is having phone conversations with another woman. I found phone numbers on his cell phone bill where she was calling him. After alot of research I find that he met her on a business trip. When I confronted him he said they were just friends. I am certain he connected up with her a few months ago. When I confronted him about her calling she started blocking her calls as if that wouldn't show up on the phone bill. I am almost 60 and where in the world will I get a job and how can I possibly start over at this age? We have been emotionally and spiritually divorced since his first affair. He has been sleeping in the spare room now for almost a year so now we are physically apart too. I found phone calls to back over a year ago. She even called him the day our daughter got married! Even though he has not seen her, they are talking on the phone every day. She lives 1500 miles from here. He says he needs someone to talk to but won't even talk to me at all. We recently rode in the car for almost 2 hours and he would only answer to a direct question, and then told me I talk to much.How can he talk to her on the phone everyday and won't talk to me at all. I am so financially tied up with all his businesses and there is so much debt in my name. I should have left 10 years ago. Now what? I feel there is absolutely no way out and just going to sleep and not waking up would be a blessing. I am not suggesting anything dramatic. I just want the pain to go away. I don't know what to advise you to do. But I can relate to how you felt when you found the phone calls and how he wouldn't talk to you but he talks to her forever. When I saw my husbands telephone bill and the calls between himself and his lover all day, everyday, even on my birthday and at family gatherings it made me sick. He too, would not talk with me but apparantely had plenty to say to her! I wonder to this day what they possibly had to talk about? It is humilating, but I had to learn to say, its happened, do I keep this in me or do I let go of it? because if I don't handle it , it will handle me in a negative way. He has been trying to repair the marriage for the better. He does talk more with me when he sees me during the day, when before he said nothing so that's an improvement. But he still doesn't call me the way he did her by cell, but there are improvements and that's something, maybe he will some day, I don't know but I take one day at a time.
God Bless You!! You are a good woman and like all of us deseve happiness and respect, and love.
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May 19, 2007, 11:34 pm PDT
Quote From: mewjag Yeah what is it that men don't understand about women and our fantasies?? They act like they are the only ones with an imagination....and complaints. Nonsense. Look when I married this hubby he was a cyclist, looking good I will say. Yummy!
Now, well it is like this. I go to a cancer group and one of my survivor pals asked me what my hubby looked like. Before I could think about it "a toad" popped right out of my mouth. She looked at me with the oddest look and said "did you say 'a toad'? Omg, well I suppose I did actually say that out loud didn't I?! Ok I admit it, the worst kind of Freudian slip without question!.
He has grown a barrel body with a thick neck and matching head and has little skinny legs and arms. If he sqatted down he would look just like a toad with glasses. I can't help it he would!! I think of Mr. Toad in Wind in the Willows. He drives like him too. Ok so anyway my point is....do we really think my fantasy guy is Mr. Toad from Wind in the Willows? Heh-yawl NO! But hey it is what I have in the flesh. So be it, for better for worse in sickness and toadness...ooops I mean health. ;)
So here I sit with a bird-dogging toad when in reality I want William Wallace and all his blue painted face to ravish me!!! Just call me Marin!!!!
Oh yes I agree, if it were perfect we would be bored to death and what would we do for laughs?! lol Thank you for your very kind words!
Ami I am cracking up laughing. My hubby was tall, 6'4, slim and oh so sexy when we met also. Now, he weighs almost 280 lbs. has a thick neck, big huge belly and skinny legs. (Did the prince turn into a frog?) Yeah, and we still make passoniate love to these men and truly care for them, but don't think it is for their sexy bodies. (I'm howling with laughter). I know I told my hubby after he cheated, what do you think you are some big prize and I should feel lucky you decided to stop the affair and your chose me; some great prize! Now you're a cheater too. But, I love this man; frog and all, as it is the person he is inside and how he treated me, and treats me now (except for the one night stand) and I guess I love frogs - cause I still find him sexy; it is the eyes and the love from within I see. Again, you told it as it is! Take care Ami - mmarie |
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May 20, 2007, 7:32 am PDT
Quote From: dede7007 I too, sacrificed and waited years for my husband to finish his PhD, and "supposedly" the rewards that were supposed to come from it. We made plans for years, and that he would make my "sacrifices" up to me. (14 years to finish this degree) I sacrificed a lot, and worked very hard to help him in his business, and in life, and with whatever he needed so that he would have less stress on him. Anyway, we've been married 24 years now. When he got to the dissertation point, we were on a "working vacation" 3 yrs. ago.(he always worked on vacation), and met a young girl, 23. (less than half his age, and 3 years younger than our youngest daughter) She pursued him relentlessly, and he "ate up" all the attention she gave him. In front of the people they were both working for, "and ME", they went to lunches together, (working of course) had drinks after work, and e mailed each other from that point on. Regardless of what I said or did, he refused to stop writing her, or calling her. They started an "emotional" affair. I knew immediately that something was wrong. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach by a mule. My husband said he didn't believe there was such a thing as an "emotional affair". He continually denied anything was going on with the OW. When my husband finally finished his degree, and WE were supposed to start living all the things he said we "couldn't" do while finishing the degree, he got a job in a different state, moved there, and then started a physical affair with the OW. This he blamed on me, for not "moving there with him". This was crazy because the house we were living in was a shambles, needed months of repair, and had to be put on the market to be sold. I was left back in the "trash' of our "old life", had to repair the house, and get it ready to sell. He was off living his "new" life. What hurts the worst, is that what my husband promised to ME, he gave to the OW. (meaning his attention , love and new life) Also, I was in severe pain from surgery, was taking care of his Alzhiemer's mother, (which he also left behind) and when the house sold, he kept all the money, bought a house (for both of us) in HIS NAME ONLY. But, then he didn't want me to move there,( because he was involved with the OW). I had to move out of our old house, was living out of a small bedroom in my sisters condo, (and my car). I had no job, no money, and was devastated from the inside/out.
I found out about the affair positively this past January, when I found an e mail that she sent him about how much she still loved him, and about their sex life. I WAS SICK. It's only been 4 months and my husband keeps telling me that I have to "GET OVER IT". That it was "just a mistake", and that she was "just a kid". Those statements do not help me at all in trying to "get over it". The OW knew that I didn't know for sure about them, but she still kept writing him, and he kept writing her, and says that he doesn't know why he still can't be "friends" with her.
He has now been professionally diagnosed with Adult ADD/ADHD, and is on medication and in behavior therapy. The counselor (with me present) told my husband that ALL CONTACT with the OW had to "stop"! But, my husband isn't doing anything to try to reassure me that all contact HAS stopped. He just keeps saying, "I don't want to talk about it". We have learned about the behavior of ADD'ers, but still the ADD didn't make him have an affair. My husband says he still wants the marriage to work, and he wants to "make it up to me now", but I am having a REAL HARD TIME believing this. He knows now how much pain that he has put me through, and I have become someone that I don't even recognize any more. The devastation has been beyond belief. The ADD/ADHD causes a lot of it's own damage to spouses and families, let alone an affair on top of it.
For over 20 years, I tried to be as best a wife as I could be. I know everyone says that, but I really tried hard. This my husband DOES admit, and says that I did and gave everything I could to the marriage, and doesn't know why "he just couldn't give me what I needed or deserved". This is an awful thing to find out after SO MANY years together. I have wondered if I have just been "fooling myself" for all these years, or was just blind and stupid, or what. But, everything my husband was SAYING, was different than his behavior, and vice versa. He constantly was keeping me "off balance". What's amazing too, is that he always had a sexual dysfunction. (from young adulthood) This he has always blamed on whatever girlfriend "came before" the one he was dating. And when he met the OW, he then blamed on me. His mother even knew about this, because one of his former girlfriends broke up with him because of it. (AND TOLD HIS MOTHER ABOUT IT) amazing, even I couldn't have done that.
Anyway, this whole thing has changed my life forever, and there are days that I don't think that I will EVER stop crying. I know he lied to the OW, and he lied to me TOO. He had sex with me, but was telling her that he wasn't. She also visited him at "our new house", and left things there for me to find. She wanted me to find the items so that I would dump him, and she could have him all to herself. (Also, I don't know what he was telling her) Maybe he was telling her that he was going to divorce me, or me him) But, starting a relationship on lies, deceipt and cheating is not the best way to "start" a life together. I am the MOST angry at my husband, because he KNEW BETTER. He was as he calls it, "her mentor" (which creeps me out), and crossed the line in professionalism. Another point: If it was me who had the affair, he would have kicked me to the curb and not looked back. (he admitted this)
But, nothing hurts so much as having your husband "hook up" with someone so young. He was going through a mid-life crisis at the time, (no excuse) I have had plenty of temptation myself, but wanted to turn "towards" my husband, not look outside the marriage for resolution. I have never felt so old, used, and degraded. At this point myself, I don't know whether or not I'm beyond hurt, or just too hurt to feel anything. I am in counseling, but this betrayal is terrible. Our two grown children are VERY hurt, and what they have seen happen to me has hurt them even worse. It's awful at 50 to have to start my life over again. I took a couple of classes at a local college, and am working on myself right now, and am living with my youngest daughter. It certainly isn't what I imagined my life to be. Now, in counseling I have to decide if it's worth it to believe him again, or just move on. It is so hard after so many years. Is this an epidemic? There are so many wives in this position.
I am so sorry to hear about what is going on in your life. However, another counselor labeling an issue with a condition. It pisses me off. I am so tired of counselors offering a diagnoses as a cop out. Adults with ADD/ADHD have issues, I accept that but it's still not a cop out. My advise to you, stand proud and everyday remember that you are a good person. At 50 years young, you have plenty of living ahead of you. Do not let your hubands actions and refusal to accept responsibility or accountability for his actions change your core. You are a good person (obvious from your email) and deserve a life full of happiness. Do what is right for you, your children are grown, they will support you. I should take my own advice.... Eileen PS: You should not be penniless... Get a good lawyer if the times come to that... |
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May 20, 2007, 7:33 am PDT
Quote From: wiltee Thank You. I get so tired of hearing that excuse to. My husband tells me the same thing all the time. (well I raised myself and I didn't have my parents around much to teach me how to be in a relationship). This is what I hear all the time from him. Well I had problems of my own growing up ,from being molested to having an abusive step dad. I turned out pretty stable and I lived through hell for years. In my case it made me more determined then ever that I would not live my life like that as an adult. People use any and every excuse under the sun when they mess up. He makes his choices now as an adult so he only has himself to blame if he screws up. If he has any brains in his head he knows that cheating is wrong. You stated that you didn't know if you hated him or not. I think that's pretty normal. I told my husband of 15 years that I didn't know if I stayed with him because I love him or if he is more of a habit. Im so used to him being here that it would be like going through with draws if he were'nt here. Spliting up the kids might be hard on you and them but you need to think what would be best for you. If your not happy the kids will pick up on that. Good luck I knew there was a sister out there that share my sentiments.. Thank you for your support.. Eileen |
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May 20, 2007, 5:15 pm PDT
Quote From: skinsgal I have been married to my husband for 23 years and with him for almost 28. We have 3 children. Our oldest is 21 and moved out. I have 17 1/2 and 14 year old boys left with me. Last Saturday, my oldest son found a cell phone from his mistress with loves messages back and forth. On Monday night, he and my youngest confronted their dad, and he admitted to having an affair for over a year, on a regular reoccuring basis.
We have not been intimate in over a year and a half, not because of me but because of my weight. I weigh over 300 lbs and so horribly fat. We have had marriage problems for years and years that is both of our faults. My husband is passive-agressive and liked to control me.
He moved out Monday night, we talked on Wednesday (I thought some really deep level conversations). He layed it out on the line that weight was the ultimate issue, but left the door open.
I met with his last night, evidently he took a long walk Thursday night and made his choice. He doesn't want to be married to his best friend, he wants to be married to his lover. He feels like he is ultimately standing up for what he wants and is being honest and feels that he is finally teaching his kids the importance of being honest with yourself regardless of who it damages. He has a right to be happy and he isn't willing to try one more time with me understanding everything that is on the table. Supposedly we had been working on our marriage the last 6 months, but how could we have when he had someone on the side.
I can't sleep, I don't want to eat. I am edgy, nervous, sick to my stomach, want to throw up, can't handle this pain and just plain don't know how to pick up.
Oh g-d we have made so many mistakes and our marriage for so long was hard, but we kept trying. What would have happened if he let me have this one last opportunity to lose weight and lived a healthier lifestyle.
I want to die. I am reading your letter here, and it hurts to see what you're going through and how you're feeling about yourself. You are still a very special woman, you know. Just because you're overweight, doesn't mean he has a right to go have an affair. He should sit down with you and say what can we do to help you be healthier and do something about your weight. Not leave. I don't know if he has said that already or not, but wow, for him to admit to having an affair for over a year to your son?? That sure wasn't very appropriate for him to do. How hurtful to your son to hear his father say that to him. Just a little thing to add, my sister had a lap band surgery about 8 months ago, and it helps control your eating a lot. She was over 300 pounds. She's lost about 60 pounds so far. It hasn't been easy, but it has helped her a lot. That's just an idea for you to think about. I know many people have a terrible time losing weight, and I also have that problem. I am probably a good 40 pounds overweight. I try to walk as often as I can, and I think just that helps me from gaining anymore. My husband just left me about 10 months ago. I've had a ton of sadness in my life too, and the hurt that that causes is sometimes unbearable. I think I'm healing though, and feelingb better about myself on most days. Yes, I have some really sad days where I just want to cry. He's now living with the person he had an affair with, and didn't tell me he was living with her, but I found out about it. Oh my husband also I think is proud of the fact that he had the courage to leave and find his happiness. We didn't even fight. We were very lovable, I thought enjoyed eachother, but I think we were stuck in a rut. And after 22 years, it happens to the best of us. You have to work at reviving your marriage together. You have to make it your top priority to make your marriage a happy one. We got 3 years of counseling, but he wasn't satisfied with the therapist. The therapist was fine, but it wasn't working right for him, he wasn't getting his way, so he didn't like the way it was going. He expected me to be more passionate, wanted me to golf, do hobbies, activities, get a job, etc. etc. etc. Have sex more, blah, blah, there was so many things, it was baffling to me. And, here I thought I was a good wife to him, but. I tried to do those things to save my marriage, but then I realized why should I golf if I don't want to???? I just realized that he was expecting me to be someone else. I realized he was being selfish, and mean when I didn't deserve it. Now that he's left me 11 months ago, I am feeling stronger. I am serving him with divorce papers todayc(I think). You sound like a very smart, sweet wife and person. We all make mistakes in our marriages, Everyone does, and that's what helps us to learn how to make it work better and stronger. I know how you're feeling with feeling sick to your stomach, I've been there too, and it's awful, but if you possibly can stay busy, visit friends, go out, do things fun for yourself, it will help you to get through it. Show your husband you're not sitting at home waiting for him to come bvack. Believe me, it will help your self confidence tremendously. It will help you to feel bettet about yourself, and it will also show him you are strong and are not letting this destroy you. Try to lse weight whether he's there or not, go to Weigth Watchers, they're a great group to socialize at and let your feelings out to and meet friends, and learn to live healthier life. One step at a time, one day at a time, you will feel like your accomplishing something, and showing everyone in your family that you are going to take care of yourself not matter what else happens. I wish you the best. I know you can do it. Take care, ..... W . |
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May 20, 2007, 8:29 pm PDT
Quote From: skinsgal I have been married to my husband for 23 years and with him for almost 28. We have 3 children. Our oldest is 21 and moved out. I have 17 1/2 and 14 year old boys left with me. Last Saturday, my oldest son found a cell phone from his mistress with loves messages back and forth. On Monday night, he and my youngest confronted their dad, and he admitted to having an affair for over a year, on a regular reoccuring basis.
We have not been intimate in over a year and a half, not because of me but because of my weight. I weigh over 300 lbs and so horribly fat. We have had marriage problems for years and years that is both of our faults. My husband is passive-agressive and liked to control me.
He moved out Monday night, we talked on Wednesday (I thought some really deep level conversations). He layed it out on the line that weight was the ultimate issue, but left the door open.
I met with his last night, evidently he took a long walk Thursday night and made his choice. He doesn't want to be married to his best friend, he wants to be married to his lover. He feels like he is ultimately standing up for what he wants and is being honest and feels that he is finally teaching his kids the importance of being honest with yourself regardless of who it damages. He has a right to be happy and he isn't willing to try one more time with me understanding everything that is on the table. Supposedly we had been working on our marriage the last 6 months, but how could we have when he had someone on the side.
I can't sleep, I don't want to eat. I am edgy, nervous, sick to my stomach, want to throw up, can't handle this pain and just plain don't know how to pick up.
Oh g-d we have made so many mistakes and our marriage for so long was hard, but we kept trying. What would have happened if he let me have this one last opportunity to lose weight and lived a healthier lifestyle.
I want to die. I have never been married, nore will be anytime soon. But don't ever say you want to die. Nothing a man can do to you should ever make you feel like you should die. Men: You can't live with them, can't live without them! Amen to that! I know it's hard to not get caught up in this hell hole of a mess. You are a beautiful person, no matter what you see in the mirror. Have you ever seen a person that has been extremely burned in an accident? Well look straight into their eyes, don't you see their beauty that lies under them. Look at you in the mirror, look in your eyes, don't look at what has happened to you, this is something WITH YOU. Nothing to do with your husband or anything. Look at yourself, and look deap inside. Bring up the good emotions, and think about all the people that have always made you happy. Has he made you happy? Not as far as I can see. Who has? Are their any girly girls that you remember? Girls that always made you smile? They enjoyed YOUR presence. They didn't judge you, they never hurt you, They are the people you need to surround yourself with, the confident people who truely believe in that beautiful you. Talk to him and tell him, "You know what, no matter what you say, this was your lost, NOT mine!" Because hunny, it wasn't your loss. Look at your beautiful children, surround yourself with happy people, don't look back at your life, and say, i shouldn't have done this, i can't believe he did this. Hunny, look forward, and say, you know what, I might be overweight, so now that i have the chance, I'M GOING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! 4 times a week, work out for 20 minutes, and get going on that good food! Don't always forget your junk food, every women needs it, but limit it, make healthier choices, and motivate yourself. Don't motivate saying, "I'll become the woman of this dreams, and get him back" Say, "I'll show him what he lost!" Be strong, be a woman, us girls, we are strong people. Show him that you're not sad, and if he doesnt react, he will soon realize what he did, and how stupid he really was! Stay up there hunny! No man should hurt us. Love, me. |
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May 21, 2007, 2:38 pm PDT
I can relate to this horrible treatment; but I finally met a person that made me realize I did not deserve to be treated that way; that I was better than that; that helped me get control of my self-esteem to a certain degree. At least enough to know, that I was done being treated like a "dog" by my ex!! My ex was an alcoholic; I did not realize it until after we were married. When we met, I was young-single, and partied also, so I never dreamt he was what you'd call an alcoholic!? A week after we were married, he moved me to Florida-1500 miles from my friends and family; and I was 6 months pregnant. We never had a telephone, so it was almost impossible for me to contact my family; which now that I look back was all part of the control thing. He was a piano player, so he never got done work until 1 am; so after he would get done work, he would never come home-he would always go into the city, (Orlando) and go to the all night bars where all the hookers hung out. Most of the time he wouldn't get home until 5 or 6 am. After I had my baby, after her 6 week check up-I wanted to go back up North to see the family and let everyone see the baby. The second night I was there, he had some girl spend the night in my home!!!! The only reason he got caught was him & her came out at the same time my girlfriends husband was leaving for work. From that point on, it was nothing but cheating; and beatings. He would wake me up-after he'd been out with some other woman; just to use me as a punching bag. I left several times, and he always begged me to come back-things would be different-he'd quit drinking; he'd never touch me again; he'd never cheat again. So fool I was, I'd go back. I was hell bent to make my marraige work! Then, there were 2 things that happened that really sent me over the edge, and made me think there was nothing left to try to save. 1) I was working 3 jobs to try and pay bills for me & our 2 daughters while all his money went over the bar where he was working-and he had the nerve to cheat with his singer the night before our youngest daughters 1st birthday~!~ Then, 2) It was my birthday of the last year we were together, and we were supposed to go out to dinner and then out afterwards-instead, he was in a bar in another bar trying to pick up women(my friend seen him). I honestly do not believe that once they start cheating; they ever stop!!!! I'm sorry, but that is just my opinion!!!!! God Bless alll of you; and take care of yourselves; and remember to put yourselves and your kids first!!!! |
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