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Topic : Cheated On

Number of Replies: 5030
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:01:22 pm
Author : dataimport
If your partner's been unfaithful, find support here. General talk and debate about infidelity can be found in our Infidelity discussion.

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July 27, 2005, 6:59 am CDT

Whether to try again

My name is Tina and my husband cheated on me 3 years ago and it lasted almost a year with this woman.  Our marriage ended and he has now "seen the light" and wants me back.  I loved him with all my heart and was very devistated when he had the affair.  I was considering taking him back because he said he loved me and would NEVER do it again.  We have two small children together (3 and 4).  I love him but I don't trust him.  I can't seem to get over what happened and I can't seem to let him go and get on with my life without him.  I'm very confused and would like some advice.  Thank you.
 
July 27, 2005, 1:29 pm CDT

I need advice

It seems that cheating, lying men are running about in great numbers. My, now ex, husband declared he wanted a divorce because he didn't love me anymore and wanted to go work

on/ find himself.  

 

Of course that was a lie and I knew it. I knew where the woman worked that I felt he was seeing, I had even seen her, but did not know her name. He even admitted at one point tht he was inolved with another woman, but then said he made that up to hurt me.

 

Months after the divorce was final he called and wanted to talk. He thought we should try to get back together. We decided to work things out. Of course, don't you know, he had been celibate all of this time, blah, blah, blah. I really should have never done this. For now I have concrete proof that he was with this woman (27 years younger than he) long before I our divorce papers were even filed.

 

He continues to lie and lie. I told him I have proof, but he won't cave until I show it to him. He insists very emphatically that he will NEVER admit he had an affair because he didn't. So with this attitude I can no longer even try to go on with him.

 

I just need to know how to get the strength to just stay away from him. I KNOW I need to. I've started back in counseling to help me with that.

 

Advice?

 

I've already done the church thing, the singles group thing, the dating thing, the staying busy thing. But all I want is to be with him. God, what is wrong with this? With me?

 

I just ordered two books on how to break addiction to a person. 

 

I feel now that I am just a waiting spot in his life. That he waiting for something else to come along or for that slut to take him back. He denies of course, but he is such an accomplished liar I find myself not believing ANYTHING he says. I need to break my connection with him.

 

HELP!

 
July 28, 2005, 12:06 am CDT

Weblizard

Quote From: weblizard

Well, it's geeky joy to be the first poster, but sad for why... I have been in a committed relationship for many years now, and things have been painful lately. I was forced out of my job of 19 years this spring; as a result, I have been fighting depression (yes, I am getting therapy and meds). I'm trying to keep this short- I was closing everyone and everything out- including him. He thought I was slowly leaving me, but feared talking to me because he didn't wan tto cause more pain. He was confiding in a female friend that he had lost me , and you can guess the rest. We have been talking a lot the past couple of weeks- but he said he has to speak with her face to face to resolve what he is doing. He leaves tomorrow to fly out to meet her. I don't know what to say before he leaves. We don't live together, so it isn't like waiting for him to come home from work tonight. What do I do? We both feel we are the love of each other's life, but he is confused about what he is feeling apparently. help...

Most of us never planned to be here in any order, but it is a good place for support.  It has been my salvation.

You say you have been in a committed relationship for years.  Well, you are half right.  You have, he hasn't.  And I think anyone who bails on a SO/spouse who is sick/pregnant/depressed (you fill in the blank) is scum.  He took the easy way out and it had nothing to do with his fear of talking to you or causing you pain.  Always amazes me that the cheater cannot talk to someone they have been intimate with, but blabs all of their personal business to a stranger.  DUH

Resolution could have been obtained through a phone call (with you on the other line, unknown to her) or more effectively through cutting off all contact.  THAT speaks volumns. You can be pretty sure he is telling her a different story to what he is telling you.  In my book, if he got on that flight he is history.  I suspect this is a classic case of middle-age stupid on his part.  Sometimes they want out, but want you to do the deed so they don't look so bad.

 

If you can find the archives for this site, go back and read.  The very best advice I can give you is to listen to that little voice in your gut, not your heart.  Do not hang on due to fear or habit.

And kudos to you for the meds and therapy.  You are stronger than you think.

 
July 28, 2005, 12:26 am CDT

dmmcintyre

Quote From: dmmcintyre

Lets back track:  I received a call from the other woman last month, and he confessed.  This affair took place while he was working in another state, the state and area that we are to move to.  Anyway, we went on vacation last month and had a great time.  I decided to take her out of my mind (until she called him @ 2:30 am, crazy drunk B____) and really work on our relationship.  The next morning he told me that he would take care of the problem when he returned to work and file a restraining order against her.  Anyway, we really reconnected during our time alone.  It was the best thing for us.  Then a week after our vacation, he returned to his job in the other state.  The enitre time I was very uneasy about it.  Wondering and wondering.  I remember him telling me that I just needed to get over it or it will doom our marriage.  He really hurt my feelings.  I decided to send him an e-mail expressing my feelings and asked him how he would feel if I was the one to have had an affair.  Well I think that worked.  He finally realized that we do need to take about it to get past it and not walk around the giant elephant thats in the middle of our marriage.  Well he has been home for 2 days now, and we still haven't talked yet.  I am still very uneasy about the whole thing, but I came to realize that I love him with all my heart and because of this I want to get past this and for my children.  I'm not sure if I should be the one to start a conversation or should I give him more time to start it.

HOW odd she was not too drunk to dial the phone.  Guess speed dial is wonderful.

 

FIRST order of business is a NEW JOB for hubby that does not require moving into HER territory.  He will have a million excuses why that is not possible.  AND you need to be VERY sure this move is a good idea.  Go to findlaw.com or nolo.com and look at divorce/custody law in this new state.

 

ALL MEN think that as long as you give them sex everything is ok.  Please tell me you have both been checked for disease.  Need to retest in six months.

He DOES NOT get to tell you how long it takes to get over HIS affair.  You feeling betrayed and blindsided will doom the marriage, but his actions will not?  Cheater logic.  Don't fall for it.  And

do not use the "what if I" argument.  Most cheaters are VERY confident that their spouse could not

do the same to THEM.  After all his hoochie told him what a catch he was and he believed it.

 

This DOES need to be talked about; in detail and in a therapist's office.  And don't forget to tell him he hurt your feelings.  A little anger might help too.  I think the email was a good idea.  Hope you kept a copy.  You also need to figure out what he needs to do to help you get over this and DEMAND he do it.  Grow a backbone or get lots of doormat practice.

 
July 28, 2005, 1:08 am CDT

pkshd

Quote From: pkshd5

ok never done this before but here i go.

I was married almost 14 years and have 4 kids. My husband cheated on me w/ my best friend and left me and our 4 kids to be with her. Now they are married and just had a baby 1 week ago. This just happened 9 months ago. Our divorce wasn't done until January 2005. Do the math? My kids are my #1 concern. My ex- husband has turned their world upside down and they have a hard time even going over to his house. It has done a number on me also. How could either one of them do that? How could someone you love and trust so darely destroy your life? I have a thousand question w/ no answers. Was I that bad of a wife and thats why he did it? After 9 months its still tares me apart. Never thought he would ever cheat on me. Was I just nieve to think that? Thanks for letting me vent!

The best news I have is that there is a less than 5% chance his new marriage will last.  Revenge is sweet, especially when served cold.  And DO NOT even consider taking him back.  Just take his money.

 

As another member said cheaters are selfish liars.  That is being nice.  And that "best friend" was no friend.  Good riddance to them both.

 

The one thing I know for SURE is that this was NOT your fault.  And you need someone to talk to.  Counselor would be the best bet, but a friend or family member is good too.  And venting on this board is great.

 

As always, kids pay the price for adult stupidity.  How old are kids?  Any chance that idiot Dad would consent to visiting them at his parent's house or some other alternate location?  Probably not, will make new bedmate unhappy.

 

It is gonna take about two years for you to begin to feel normal, but I would never let ex and hoochie know it.  Do your crying in private.

 

If you can find the cheated on archives in this new format, go back and read them all.  Lots of websites, books and just general good ideas.  You CAN do this.

 

 

 
July 28, 2005, 1:27 am CDT

weblizard

Quote From: weblizard

  We first began dating in college- we bonded as friends first, then as lovers.  When he came to see me at graduation, he met my parents; actually, he had met my father previously, when he was a student of his, when we were first dating. Believe me, this was a surprise to both of us; my last name isn't rare, and I hadn't mentioned he was teaching at the university. In any case, my father did not take it well, and came to my apartment several days later, and threatened to disown me if I continued the relationship.  Why? my SO is black, and I am white.  Not-my-daughter still lives out there...
  So, into the closet we went. Yes, it was sad and frustrating, keeping an important part of my life from my family, but I didn't want to give up either one.
    We had gone through a rough patch about 4 years later, I broke up with him, and shortly after, began a relationship with a coworker.  In retrospect, the coworker helped precipitate the breakup, but I was young and dumber then.  This man (white) was accepted by my family, and all went well, for a while. He turned out to be quite the bundle of pathology- lying, cheating, gaslighting- and I had actually been engaged to him.  He finally left me for another woman; people in the ward he had transferred to told me his ways hadn't changed.  Thank God he moved to the West Coast and out of my life.
    I got in touch with SO, since he had been my best friend before I left him, and we renewed the friendship- he got me through hell, to be blunt, when he could have said "serves you right for leaving me for him".  Time passed- I had declared a relationship moratorium for about a year, and he was dating someone at the time.  Later, after he stopped dating her (amicably, they are still friends), and I felt ready to be involved again, we renewed the relationship.  Years passed- I was living about 65 miles away, working on my Ph.D, and I moved back into the area where he lived. Still living in the closet with regards to my dad- my mom I finally confided in.
    A couple of years later, I was stressed out because I had completely changed careers, and had a 2-hour-a-day commute to boot, and I pulled away from him, then broke up with him. Not because of another man, but because I thought that was the only thing that could give at that point. Stupid, yes, and I hurt him badly.  About 6 months later, we reconciled, and after some healing time, got back on track again.
    A couple more years passed (I'm skipping things like career issues and such, but we were always there for each other), and I was planning to buy the home I was renting.  We had been talking about moving in together, and marriage, and I decided that I needed to resolve things with my dad.  Maybe because of the years gone past, or other things that had happened in our family since- he accepted the SO, and in the last couple of years he had become a wonderful part of my family.
    So why hadn't he moved in yet? I'm one of those people with *major* clutter problems- no animal waste- I've seen those shows- mostly paper, paper, paper, and crafts stuff- too much stuff.  I'd made some inroads, but not much, not enough.  He worried about my safety, and that I was crowding him out so he couldn't move in.  I had started to worry about that, too, when my own annus horribilis began this spring.  He already had been moving boxes into the basement- we were making some progress, when my life went all to hell.
    So, when I was deeply depressed, and trying to hide from the world, and getting my meds increased (good-bye sex drive)- I spent less time with him, we were rarely intimate, and I didn't want to keep burdening him with the rotten things I was going through- he's been going through grief at work, too.  He didn't want to add to my stress by telling me his concerns, so he began confiding in his family, his friends- including a woman who's been his friend since childhood. She was a friend of mine, too.  At the time he went to see her, he thought I was leaving him again.  He had never seen me truly depressed before, did not know that was why I was isolating myself, and I've told you what happened since.  There's been anger, tears, frustration, and confusion on both our parts since.
    Right now, he's off with her; he told me it would be separate rooms, and that he would not be intimate with her.  He is genuinely afraid he has destroyed both our relationship and his friendship with her.  You'd have to know him- he is usually honest to an extreme- in his job, he could get involved in corruption and bribery and all that- and everyone knows that would never happen. It's one of the things I admire about him. So I am trying to take his promise at face value; I knew something was very wrong as soon as he came back from visiting her when they became intimate, last month. I confirmed what happened only a couple of days later. He would not be able to conceal a lie now, I believe.  He knows that honesty is one of the things necessary to save this relationship, if that is what happens.

So there it is- he arrived there yesterday; he said he will call me each night.  He'll be back Thursday, and I guess we will resolve where we are going then. I have contributed to this situation; I am not a victim. So please, don't call him a rat bastard yet- I've been there, believe me- and will not tolerate such behaviour again.  He is the only man in my life whose ass would not already have been kicked and gone by now- we've been together about 20 years all told, and I'm hoping we will get through this and this will only be a sad point in our history someday.

Sorry if I've raved on too long-please wish me luck and strength in the days to come- I'll need both. Advice welcomed and appreciated- it'll be a long couple of days.

I'll check back in by the end of the week.
pressing on regardless,
Weblizard

I am going to tell you some things you probably already know.

 

  • Living in the closet is a bad idea.
  • You don't make very good choices in men.
  • You thrive on drama and SO is your fallback position when things get rough.
  • The drama and clutter are related.  Professional help is in order.
  • You are a well-educated woman.  Hire help to get the house cleaned out.
  • You have TAUGHT this man how to treat you.
  • PUHLEEZ-seperate rooms and no intimacy; don't be a fool.
  • The five minute phone call every nite is no magic cure.

This is going to be a long road to recovery and will require counseling and a change of medication.  Also both of you need to test for AIDS/STDs now and again in six months.  And pray his bed buddy doesn't get pregnant.  He probably has not used a condom at all.

 

 

         

 
July 28, 2005, 1:30 am CDT

muffin39

Quote From: muffin39

Just to say you are not alone in dealing with a husband that wonders.  I just experienced not the exactly the same thing but similar.  I told my husband that I was giving him the freedom that he wanted.  He replied by saying that's not what I want. I said that's not what your actions are telling me.  Believe me this was the most difficult decision I have ever made in my life and it has been difficult to sustain as I still love him and have three children at home.  Before he moved out (2wks ago) I gave hime a choice; If you want to have this marriage then you must be 100% committed to me and our family, nothing less is acceptable.  I gave him Dr Phil's book Life Stategies to help him identify his shortcomings and hopefully gain insight into his stupid actions. It has been very difficult for himself as well as he has trouble understanding himself, but I do believe this is the first time he has ever been challenged to be a better person and not settle for less.  To go any further into detail would take forever to understand the whole picture, but I completely understand how you must be feeling.  To feel rejected by someone you gave your heart to is difficult to bear and understand.  I suggest that read Dr Phil's Life stategies to help you identify want you want in your life.  Start focusing on your desires and needs, make decisions to preserve yourself.  You must decide what you are willing to live with or not willing to live with not anyone else.  Information and knowledge is the best type of power.  I am 40years old/young and find this scary but I will not live my life anymore in pain and fear!  You can not change him, he has to want to change himself!!!!

 

 

BRAVO!  Excellent advice.  Hang in there.

 
July 28, 2005, 1:43 am CDT

tinliza

Quote From: tinliza

About a year ago, my husband had an affair while I was out of town visiting children and grandchildren.  I suspected something was going on and returned home unexpectedly.  I caught him with the other woman. 

Moving on, this other woman is no longer around.  I have forgiven my husband and gotten over the anger for his betrayal.  I have had counseling and been on antidepressants.  I realized what mistakes that I made in our relationship and have worked on changing my hurtful behaviors.  My husband even says that he notices the big changes that I have made.

Two weeks before our anniversary, my husband told me that he wanted a divorce.  A couple of days later, he asked to try again.  This has occurred 3 or 4 times since then.  Most recently, we have separated and my husband cannot say that he wants a divorce; however, he is fearful that he will not be able to forgive himself for what he has done to me and that we cannot recapture the feelings of love and romance that we had before all of this happened.  I have faith that God does mean for us to be together but it is very difficult at times especially since I am the only one who feels this way.  Does anyone have any helpful advice for me?

 

Something is rotten in Denmark.  This woman, or her replacement, IS still around.  And she is stringing hubby along big time.    Hubby needs to fish or cut bait.  100% with you or 100% gone. 

 

Hubby is THRILLED you are so commited, because it enables him to continue life as normal.

 

You need legal counsel NOW.  Hubby could very well be draining away your life savings on the current hoochie.  I think a PI is a good idea.  You will at least know the truth.

 

Can't forgive himself.  Too bad.  Can't recapture the love and romance like before.  Guess he should have thought about that earlier.  Marriage problems can be caused by both spouses, but HIS infidelity is NOT YOUR FAULT.

 

Maybe God does intend for you to be together, but just not right now.  And if hubby does not agree you are doomed before you get started.

 

 

 
July 28, 2005, 1:52 am CDT

td1015

Quote From: td1015

My name is Tina and my husband cheated on me 3 years ago and it lasted almost a year with this woman.  Our marriage ended and he has now "seen the light" and wants me back.  I loved him with all my heart and was very devistated when he had the affair.  I was considering taking him back because he said he loved me and would NEVER do it again.  We have two small children together (3 and 4).  I love him but I don't trust him.  I can't seem to get over what happened and I can't seem to let him go and get on with my life without him.  I'm very confused and would like some advice.  Thank you.

 

Amazing how bright that light is when the hoochie dumps the cheater.  And you can be sure this is what has happened.

 

Cheaters are liars first.  You NEVER thought he would cheat to start with, did you?

 

Unless you are VERY sure of a course of action, do nothing.  Let him sweat a while.  I further suggest physical as well as emotional distance while you make your decision.  Get a third party to be a go-between when he picks up the kids so you don't have to see him.  Do not answer his calls, let the voicemail do it.  Keep all conversations short and relevant.  DO NOT travel down memory lane with him.  This will help more than you can begin to imagine.

 

Without trust I see no point to the relationship.  Go back to archives and read.

 
July 28, 2005, 8:14 am CDT

Blessed or Doomed

 
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