Topic : Cheated On

I believe the reason he married me was because of some of my values and "inside" stuff... he is quick to compliment me on being smart, honest, loyal, funny, etc.  which are all the things that should make me feel good but they don't.  He didn't look at porn and sleep with women he met in the bars because they were funnier than me... or because they were smarter than me... or because they were kinder and more honest than me.  He looked at porn and slept around because they were prettier than me and fit more with the ideal type for him that turned him on.  I don't have the right "outside" stuff, I don't have the right packaging.

 

I suspected he was cheating or doing something because we were drifting further and further apart in the months leading up to it... he didn't spend as much time with me, our sex life completely disappeared, etc.  To complicate things, I was pregnant for the first time and I thought maybe he just wasn't dealing well with that kind of stress, etc.

 

He has never complimented me on anything below my neck... he'll say my hair looks nice, or my eyes are pretty, but nothing about my body... and when we talk about whether or not we can make this work, he never cries or says anything about losing me, or losing my love or our relationship, he only talks about how he doesn't want to be a weekend daddy, that he can't bear the thought of being away from her, etc.

 

I think he is here for our daughter.  Maybe someone's physical appearance shouldn't matter that much, but I think in reality it does.  And when I lay in bed at night, and he tries to approach me for any intimacy, all I can think about is how my body doesn't look like women he likes, it doesn't feel the same, I imagine him with other women, I picture him touching them, and I just cry.

 

I will try to pick up Self Matters - thank you for your suggestion.

 Good, I think the book will help you. From what you've said it appears that you have a habit of measuring yourself and coming up short.
Dr Phil says we teach people how to treat us. Is it possible that your husband learned not to compliment you because you don't take compliments well? This is something I discovered in myself, it may not pertain to you. If you have a deep belief that compliments are not sincere,  that you don't deserve them or that they are given as a means to an end, you don't learn how to take them at face value. And people stop giving them to you because they get the idea that you don't like them. In order to recieve compliments, I had to learn how to be deeply grateful for the sentiment that prompted them, and stop analyzing why I thought I was getting them. (Usually I thought someone was out to butter me up for something they wanted, but mine is a different story than yours.)
You also appear to think that he stays only because of your daughter. I'm sure that's a big part of it, and the other part is that he wants his marriage to work. Don't doubt that.
Maybe while you're reading SELF MATTERS he could begin RELATIONSHIP RESCUE. There have been other men on here that felt this was a very good book for them.

In a nut shell, this history. Married and monogamous 35 years. We had begun to take each other for granted - poor communication, infrequent sex life. Neither of us were working on our relationship. 2 years ago some signs pointed to another woman and I confronted him. He shared that he was interested in getting to know a woman better, wasn't happy the way things were with us, felt lonely. The other woman was someone he worked with 1 or 2 days a week and was 16 years younger (I am thinking some of this was midlife crisis). They had been to lunch a couple of times 'professionally', but alone together. He had brought her 'thank you' roses for helping him at work. He told her he was crazy about her and asked if she would go out with him (she refused saying she wouldn't see a married man). He told me she reminded him of a younger me and that was part of his interest - she had children, and he missed his own who are now grown. He swore there was never a "date", never anything physical (and I do believe that), nothing of that sort - said he was just beginning to think that he might like to get to know her better and see where it lead since our relationship was not really alive at that point.

Once he'd confessed all of that we began to really talk again and now 2 years later our relationship feels better then it has in over 20 years.

The problem is that he still works with this girl. She is important to his business and he says they are "business friends" so there are phone calls, business meetings etc. I understand that, but when all this started, knowing he had more than a "business" interest in her at that point and because we had decided to work hard at rebuilding our relationship, he made a promise to me to treat her only as a business associate and I spelled out that to me that meant no lunches alone, no cards or gifts, no in depth discussions of personal life, etc. (in all our years of marriage he had never had an exclusive female "friend", never had lunch with or given gifts to another woman until her). He also made the promise that if any of those things occurred, he would be honest with me about it. Since the initial promise 2 years ago, I know of 3 lunches, 1 card at mother's day, and 1 bottle of wine at Christmas ("in appreciation for her business help"). All of those instances I have discovered on my own or he has admitted to when I directly questioned him. He did not "offer" to tell me any of it - he says because he knew I would take it the wrong way - says it is all perfectly innocent. Of course I wonder what I "don't" know, but he says there isn't anything else. I do believe that there is not any sort of romantic relationship going on between them because I am 99% sure she is not interested even if he might be.

He has always been an honest person about everything else in his life. He treats me as though he loves me and our relationship couldn't be much better. He plans for our future together all the time. In many ways I believe that it IS innocent, but it upsets me very much that he has broken his promise to me and been dishonest about it on several occassions, despite how good things are between us in so many ways. I have told him all of this - he gets angry and says I'm "making a mountain out of a molehill", tells me to stop rehashing, and then refuses to discuss it because he says it "doesn't get us anywhere".

It is not something I bug him about on any regular basis at all (maybe 10 times in 2 years), but when I find or feel something that points to something out of the ordinary, I do question him about it, and when I question him about it, 5 times out of 10 he tells me something he hadn't told me.

Any advice?

I am by no means an expert in cheating, I can only tell you the 'truths' that applied to my own circumstance.

 

a) when my gut or instincts or intuition, whatever you want to call it, was telling me something was not right, it was right, something was wrong

 

b) when he said I was crazy or I needed help because I was suspicious, or 'making a mountain out of a molehill', it was a way to get me to stop digging, stop talking, it was a way for him to keep his dirty secrets, secret

 

c) no matter how great a relationship is, or how well your partner treats you, lies destroy trust which destroys intimacy

 

If the situation was reversed, and he was threatened and fearful about a relationship you had with some man, and concerned about lies or omissions of truth, would you be willing to end that relationship to make your husband feel safe and secure?  I bet you would.  I think that is one of the reasons we marry, to have some stability and security, to feel like there is a safe haven from the rest of the world.

 

Why doesn't he want to make you feel safe?  Whether or not he is doing anything inappropriate in terms of cheating or not, it is inappropriate in my opinion, to let your number one priority in life constantly feel threatened or unsafe by someone.  No business contact would be worth my spouse's peace of mind or feeling safe.  I know you say you don't bug him about it regularly, but I bet you think about it 100 times more than you voice it to him.  And if that is the case, then its not healthy for you.

 

That is where my advice and thoughts end, because if he is cheating and you do discover it or he admits it, then you will be at the same place in this difficult journey that I am, and I sincerely hope that is not the case.  Its a very hard thing to go through.  I will be thinking of you.  

 

 

Sorry to hear the news. Try to remember that you will be better off without him. It will sting and you many be sad but at least YOU can live your life not EVER having to know what it feels like to have to live an eternity knowing your character is that of a pathetic sole. Whooo hooo! Yeah for them. They made another child in the world.....at the expense of that child. Poor child. How sad to know that kid is starting it's life with two pathetic soles who most likely, didn't plan their arrival. Poor decision makers/dysfunctional people in society, most likely didn't give a crap beyond that 30 seconds of sperm donation to think of the consequences. Thus, the reason for them crapping on the rest of the world. Have a look around at how many dysfunctional people have created other people in the world when ideally, they would have waited or never done so. And because they are surrounded by enablers, they continue to grow in numbers. Dysfunction breeds dysfunction.....sadly. Be honest with your children. Honor them by being factual. Explain, but be sure to use drawings. Teach them all you can about honesty, integrity and responsibility. The more live exercises you do with them on these character building skills, the sooner they will arrive at the truth about your pathetic ex husband. You should never down him to your children. You should make them brilliant, intelligent creatures who will figure it out on their own. Be patient with this approach. Every bit of energy you spend should be to make them live the positive traits of a responsible person of society. Be the best example of this. If you try to point out what a scumbag he has been, it will only send their guilt and confusion sky high. The successful approach is thinking long term. Best of luck. Remember...you're going for the fancy item which takes longer to save for rather than the cheap item from the bargain bin which you can own today. Cheap crap only lasts momentarily.

I have been with my husband for the past 10 years & have been married for 6 years also have 4 children from my 1sy marriage & they do live with us.

In June i found a e-mail that my husband had send to another woman ( use to work & be friend for long time but no contact when we moved few years back) so I found out that he met with her when was out of town on business also his daughter that is 19 yrs old also met them so according to my husband they talked alot because we were haveing lots of problems for long time but he also said that nothing did happen.

He is still in touch with her by ph & text sometime & he assured me that they are only friend that the e-mail that he had send her was a mistake of coures I have not came cross any.

Yesterday we went dress shopping & he got a text from her so when I asked him who did text him @ 1st lied that told me it was from her wants to know how he was doing so I lost it left the store & start walking & told him thst he needs to get out of the house right away.

He left & came back with a letter about how sorry & explaining that how much he loves us, I don't know what to do.                                                                                                                                  

 I was reading all of your stories on being cheated on. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years. I guess I have always suspected something, but could never figure it out. Until last year, I was snooping through his wallet. I know, it wasn't right to snoop, but I knew he was doing something. And I was right.

He had about 8 names of hookers all very young 19. I cried all the way home. And then I called them, and finally got one to talk to me. I confronted him the next day and he started to cry saying that he needed help and he didn't want to lose me. Same old stuff all the guys say when they get caught. It has been almost 1 year. He went to counseling twice and then decided he didn't have a problem. We have been getting along good, but I don't trust him at all. It takes up to much time and energy always looking and wondering, where he is, who's he with, whats he doing... And I think he's with hookers again. I will leave him, I am worth so much more and he does not deserve me. I'm scared, I guess scared of starting over again. But he has no respect for me or our relationship. And I think that he has been doing this way before he met me, and I can't change him, and to be honest I don't want to waste any more of my time. Thanks for letting me vent, and hang in there girls were all going to be fine!!!

This Is not the first time I have been on this boad about my marriage but not about this.

Things have really gotten bad now . I am a daily Dr Phil watcher and I have taken alot of what I have learned from him and tried to use It on my own marriage but I seem unable to change the problems I have In my marriage and now It has gotten beyond my control.

I started reading Relationship Rescue and for the first time In the 13 yrs I have been with my wife I was making some big changes In my life to save my marriage and my family. I have 2 children. A 10 year old Daughter and a 5 year old son that were counting on me to make It work but now I don't know what to do.

I finally woke up and started to change things to make my wife happy. I tried to do what ever I could to show her I loved her. I stopped fighting with her and everyday I made sure she knew she was the most Important person In my life. Something I had not done In a long time.

I got a great job driving a truck. It keeps me away from home alot but I thought It was worth the cost.

Now just a few days ago I found out that while I have been out working my wife found someone else and I am sure you can put the rest together. This man Is almost 20 years older than her and she has decided that she wants to divorce me which she said has been coming for a while she was just looking for a way out. and be with him and I don't even want to say what this has done to our kids.

I have asked her to go to marriage counseling and I have even used some of Dr Phil's Ideas like It Is never to late. Earn your way out . I have tried to get her to read Relationship Rescue but she Is dead set on getting a divorce. What can I do?? She Is my soul mate. She Is the person I have always wanted to spend the rest of my life with and of course what It will do to my kids If I can't find away to fix our marriage now. She says It Is to late but I know It Is never to late. What should I do?? What can I do. She says that she has been unhappy for years and that I don't show her I love her I just say It. Is It to late??

I've been married  for 17 years.  About a 1 1/2 years ago we started growing apart in all aspects of our relationship.  We both realized what was happening and decided together that we wanted to work on it and try to fix things.  The first 6 months to a year were really , really hard.  I kept reaching out to him and felt that he wasn't being responsive, but I felt like maybe I wasn't trying hard enough.  About 8 months ago. I decided I would just go for the gusto, go all out.  No matter what situation came up I would keep my cool, be understanding, be loving and most of all show him how hard I was trying.  I still found him distant, non-responsive and sometimes just plain mean to me. Well, 1 week ago today I went to our home computer to check my email.  I clicked on mail and up popped his account already logged in.  He had forgotten to sign out last time he used it.  When I saw this my first instinct was to sign out and log back in.  Then I realized that I didn't recognize this email address.  It was one he created without my knowledge.  I started looking at the messages and they were ALL from the same person.  I opened the 1st one and wanted to throw up as soon as I started reading it.  It was from another woman.  It was my worst nightmare coming true!  She was saying how she couldn't wait for them to be together on the weekends whenever they wanted.  She couldn't wait to come to his kids soccer games, "after they adjusted of course".  Some of his responses to her were, "I love you so much, you are the love of my life". I quit reading and went to the other room to get him.  I sent our 3 kids to their room to watch a movie.  I asked him who she was and he immediately said I have no idea what are you talking about.  I showed him the emails and he just started saying "I'm so sorry"  over and over.  He said  it started about a year ago and just kept going.  It was a woman he worked with.  Funny thing is in hind sight I knew all along.  I even asked him several times over the course of working it out if he there was another woman.  He always made me feel so guilty for asking him that question.   Anyway he asked me if I wanted him to leave.  I asked him if he wanted to.  He said "God NO  I love you and always have .  I'm so glad you found out.  I've been feeling so guilty and didn't know how to end it with her.   I'm glad this is out in the open I want to go to couseling and become friends again to fix us."   He says he's ended it with her but I wonder how I can believe him after all the lies he's told over the course of a year.   I have been beside myself!  I want to hate him so bad but for some reason I can't.  Is it coming?  I'm mad as hell at both of us for letting our relationship suffer to the point he turned to another woman. 
A little history about us.  We met in 1988.  Married in 1991.  He started undergraduate school to become a doctor.  After 4 years of that we moved to another city where he went to medical school for 4 years.  I worked all this time up until we had our first child in med school then we both wanted me to be a stay-at-home mom.  After med school, he spent 7 years training to become a specialist.  All these years I have clipped every coupon, bought every bit of clearance meat I could, wore the same clothes, kept the house and yard up, raise the kids, did all the household finances and errands.  And at the final stretch of all the hard work on both our parts he does this.   
I told him that if he wants to leave to, go.  I told him I don't want alamony that he just needed to take care of our kids.  The reason I don't want his money is because when I met him I fell in love with a man that pumped gas for a living.  I didn't knowingly fall in love with a future doctor.  He had no plans of that yet.  I don't want him to feel trapped here with me because of money.  I called the other woman and told her the same thing.  She wouldn't answer my call of course, but I left her a message.  I told her that I had told him he could leave and be with her.  I don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me.I wouldn't want alamony,  and they could be together.  But he told me no, he didn't want to lose me, he wants us to work on our marriage and be granparents together. 

He contacted a marriage counselor and we start therapy Wed.  I've cried pretty much everyday for a week now.  My heart hurts so bad but at the same time I don't trust him at all.  I want to, but I can't. 

I know how you feel when it comes to trusting your spouse, it is hard & you not sure if you shpuld or not. Iam in the same boat & been trying so hard to get all my facts together & perhaps that might help me to see if I need to give it a chance or not.

Maybe you can write down positives & negetives in your realationshipe that weight them out to see what you'll loose & gain from walking away or trying to work it up but make sure to keep your gaurd up @ all times just incase.

My massage border is title under my husband so please read it.