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Topic : Cheated On

Number of Replies: 5017
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:01:22 pm
Author : dataimport
If your partner's been unfaithful, find support here. General talk and debate about infidelity can be found in our Infidelity discussion.

 
cliomama07
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February 19, 2008, 4:36 pm PST

Cheated On

Quote From: girlofwonder

My husband has locked his cell phone and I recently found out that he has been texting someone - his last phone bill had over 50 text exchanges.  2 of them were to me.  When we started dating texting was one of the ways we developed our relationship.  We both have said how sweet it was to be going through our days and get a little special 'love' note.  I have kept many of them on my phone to re-read.  Last year on this day he sent "You are my one and only" and I believed him. 

 

So this is another big red flag for me....the kicker is I am 6 1/2 months pregnant and we are just poised to buy/build a house...of course, today is Valentines Day - the day we got engaged 2 years ago, and I have planned to make him a special dinner.  It all seems like a dream and a joke at the same time, and I am the brunt of it!  I don't have any hard evidence, but I am struggling to maintain my composure in the midst of all of this and I am worried the stress I am feeling may harm the baby...do I just go with my instincts and start making plans to leave?  I cannot stay in a marriage with kids that involves infidelity.  I can survive on my own and actually the make same amount of money with the potential for more than he does. 

 

Confronting him will only bring about a fight, where he turns on me and attacks my character and challenges my activities.  He is very immature when it comes to discussing issues in our relationship and typically just blows up and blames me for 'hurting him' by asking him questions.  He tells me I need to find someone else to 'walk all over'...at times he has become abusive and tried to tower over me, poke me in the chest or corner me in our bedroom closet while he yells derogatory things at me.  One of the reasons he says he married me was because I was strong and smart.  Of course, when I ask him questions that he does not like or want to answer - I become 'stupid' and 'weak'.  He has been completely detached from the baby and rarely asks me questions, attends doctor appoinments or try to feel the baby move.  Until the last two weeks, when I am really showing and friends and family ask him questions - which he answers really positively and acts excited about the future.  However, he rarely brings those things up with me one on one.

 

So - is this enough evidence?  Do I start making plans?  Do I wait until the baby is born?

Sweetie I have been through this when I was pregnant with my daughter. I know how hard it is to sit and worry about what he is doing. My husband never asked about the baby he went to the doctor with me once and when I went into premature labor with her and 6 months he was there but fussed me out because he had other plans and i ruined them. Come to find out he had plans to meet another woman. If you ask him and he cannot come up with an amswer and he stutters then he is lying. I know you are scared because of the baby but you are strong and you have to be for the little one. I kicked my husband out a week after my daughter was born because he would hide his phone, lie to me, and yell at me. If you cannot trust him now then you will not be able to trust him later. He locked his phone kept it with him at all times until I finally figured out his code and unlocked it and there it was text messages from other women...some underage girls. They will be sweet and caring until they know that they have you trapped and they think that you have to depend on them. And another thing sweetie if he is not involved in the pregnancy then 9 times out of 10 he will not be involved after the child is born. Pay attention to his attitude and his actions. If he doesnt get text messages when you are around and/or gets off the phone when you walk in the room and suprise him then he is doing something that he is not soposse to be doing and he is guilty. I cannot tell you what to do but I can only give you advice from my perspective as someone who has been through it... Leave now before things get rough and most likely they will... I'm sorry that you are going through this and that the little one will be brought into it, I know because my daughter is in my failed marriage with her father. But keep your head up and stay strong. Do what you think is right for the child..that's your job now!
 
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_julie_

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February 19, 2008, 6:59 pm PST

Cheated On

Quote From: davidhj

 I feel your pain!  I have been married to my wife for over 10 years and found out she had an affair with her professor last summer.  It was very, very painful, but we are doing well.  They main thing I can tell you is that he has to be 100% transparent!  No lies, no secrets and he has to be 100% into your relationship.  I will tell you it is a very painful experience, but if the relationship is worth saving, do it!  My wife knows that if she ever cheats again, she is gone.  No questions asked.  I will not go through that pain again. 

Just be honest with each other and the trust will come back with time.  I already trust my wife and it has only been 5 months. 

Hang in there!
Yeah it's really hard.... I want our weekend of figuring things out to go well... I'm just not  really  sure what are good things to be asking him that will help us... oh and it wasn't affairs, just one night stands but still very wrong... again anyone who has questions to understand better my situation or advise, please don't be shy :) I need all the help I can get.... I'm so sad and confused...
 
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jaimie1974
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February 20, 2008, 2:02 pm PST

lying, cheating husband

Quote From: cliomama07

Me and my husband started dating in September of 2006. He proposed to me in November of 2006. I got pregnant in February of 2007. He still had a relationship with his frist wife because of his two kids, which I could understand why. But he did not like me talking to her at all. He had also cheated on her while they were married. He would also go out to the bar and leave me at home. He would go to his exs house a lot and claim he was seeing the kids, which I found out not to be true. We got married in May of 2007. In July he went to Raliegh NC, which is a good ways from where we live, to see his kids. I later found out when I was nine months pregnant that he was cheating on me the whole time with his ex and about for other girl. Some were underage. When I asked him if he had cheated on me, he always said no baby I love you too much to do that to you, I swear on my kids life and so on. Well finally a week before our daughter was born, he left with another woman from the bar and someone called me and told me that they had went to a motel, he denied it. I kicked him out. He moved back in after our daughter was born and the he came home from work the following monday after our daughter was born and i asked him again if he had cheated on me and he said no. I told him he was liar and he left. He finally admitted to sleeping with his ex wife but none of the other women, some of which I have proof that he did. He wants me to take him back and try to make our family work, but I do not think that I can because I was cheated on and then lied about it. Now he will not leave me alone. Please tell me what do I do to show him that it's really over and that I do not want him back?!   I know its a lot but it's the truth and maybe just maybe I can help someone else out that has been going through the same thing as me.
You are a strong woman, stronger than you even know- you are doing what is right and best for you, don’t ever second guess yourself on this decision.
The man you married turned out not to be who you thought he was. Or, perhaps you thought he would change- or maybe you ignored the warning signs because it was to painful to admit the truth regarding his behavior. Whatever happened, your life needs to change so that you can move forward to live a happy, healthy life.
I don’t know what you need to do to show him it is really over and that you don’t want him back- are you saying that when you say those things, he doesn’t listen or that he ignores it? You probably want to avoid legal matters, but you might not be able to in this case. If he won’t accept that it is over, and if he keeps coming around after you’ve told him not to, please listen to your instincts and get a restraining order. That might be the only way to get him to stay away. Perhaps telling him, one last time, that you really truly don’t want to be in a relationship with him and that you can’t have him showing up whenever (or whatever it is that he does) and then threaten him with the restraining order- hopefully that will be enough to get him off your case. (Personally, I had to do this; my ex would not accept that I didn’t want to be with him, I told him to leave me alone or I would get a restraining order, he kept it up- following me home from work, etc., so I got the restraining order. Of course, because he was such a self-important jerk, he sill stalked me, so I called the police and he was arrested; that isn’t what I wanted- but he would not leave me alone.) He created the situation, I had to create a solution, and you have to, also. You have your whole future ahead of you, and it can be bright and full of positives- you’ve got to let go of the past. If the past won’t let go of you, do not hesitate to take matters to the law for help and/or support. I wish you and your baby the best!
 
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ritehere
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February 21, 2008, 10:02 am PST

He's got issues...

Quote From: _julie_

Hi, I'm 21 yrs old, I've been with my boyfriend  for almost 3 1/2 yrs .   Saturday, we had this big conversation that got really serious and he admited to me that he had this lying problem.  He was crying (which he never does, so that shows how serious it was) then admitted to me to cheating once this summer and once before christmas... I know he regretted it and felt really bad about it just by the way he was crying so hard... I had never seen him like this.  He wants me to stay with him but I really don't know what to do... I love him a lot and feel like I could forgive him... but how can he prove to me that he won't do it again? and how can I know that he really REALLY wants to be with me? how can I trust him again?  ohh and by the way were a long distance relationship (we're been for 2 1/2 yrs so we're used to it).  I'm going to make him come see me this weekend to talk really seriously.. so if you can give me some pointers on what I should ask from him and what we should work on maybe.. I don't know I'm pretty lost right now..   please PLEASE help me with advice or anything!! thanks ... and sorry if this was too long...
Long distance relationships are very difficult to maintain. Since you are young, I'm assuming he is too?
Here is what I would suggest if I were your mother:

You two are not married. What he did often happens when two young people are not seeing each other personally and regularly. This could have happened to you also. The fact that he did it twice shows that he is the sort of person who needs physical proximity to be faithful. In order for you not to be hurt again, I strongly urge the both of you to define your relationship as friendship only until you can carry on a normal relationship.
In the meantime, both of you are free to see other people as this is what single young people do. If you truly love each other, seeing others will only reinforce what you feel. If on the other hand, you find someone else that you enjoy being with, you won't feel guilty because you are not cheating.
 
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ritehere
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February 21, 2008, 10:11 am PST

This could be easier than you think...

Quote From: cliomama07

Me and my husband started dating in September of 2006. He proposed to me in November of 2006. I got pregnant in February of 2007. He still had a relationship with his frist wife because of his two kids, which I could understand why. But he did not like me talking to her at all. He had also cheated on her while they were married. He would also go out to the bar and leave me at home. He would go to his exs house a lot and claim he was seeing the kids, which I found out not to be true. We got married in May of 2007. In July he went to Raliegh NC, which is a good ways from where we live, to see his kids. I later found out when I was nine months pregnant that he was cheating on me the whole time with his ex and about for other girl. Some were underage. When I asked him if he had cheated on me, he always said no baby I love you too much to do that to you, I swear on my kids life and so on. Well finally a week before our daughter was born, he left with another woman from the bar and someone called me and told me that they had went to a motel, he denied it. I kicked him out. He moved back in after our daughter was born and the he came home from work the following monday after our daughter was born and i asked him again if he had cheated on me and he said no. I told him he was liar and he left. He finally admitted to sleeping with his ex wife but none of the other women, some of which I have proof that he did. He wants me to take him back and try to make our family work, but I do not think that I can because I was cheated on and then lied about it. Now he will not leave me alone. Please tell me what do I do to show him that it's really over and that I do not want him back?!   I know its a lot but it's the truth and maybe just maybe I can help someone else out that has been going through the same thing as me.
 The other advice was good- threaten a restraining order and then get one if he keeps coming around. You can also change phone numbers and locks on doors.
Then there's this little goodie, if he is just an incredibly slow learner: threaten to tell the police that he goes for underage girls. (I would only do this if it's true and you're absolutely willing to back up the threat with action, though.)

The sooner you get this sorry excuse of a man out of your life, the better.
 
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dazed_mom
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February 22, 2008, 4:26 pm PST

Not sure where to go from here.

I have been in a relationship for 10 years (we have been married for 7 of those).  He has a child from a previous relationship and we have a child together.  I recently (yesterday) found out that my husband has been having an affair for at least 3 months.  Our phone bill was extremely high for the last several months, so I decided to review the bills and perhaps change providers.  Instead, I found non-stop calls and text from one number in particular.  I called the number and spoke with the "other woman."  She had no idea that he was married and was floored!  When I confronted him, he said that he would end it (she ended up telling him to never call her again).  I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't do ANYTHING.  I am in complete shock and don't want to react without really letting everything sink in.  I don't know that I can ever trust him again (there were trust issues to begin with), but I don't know if I can give up the life that I've worked so hard for!  I understand his reasons - I have purposely distanced myself from him and we haven't been intimate for several months now.  I thought that some time to think and work on individual issues would help, but apparently it has hurt us.  I still think that he was selfish and I know it isn't my fault, but I do understand that I contributed to our emotional distance.  I don't know what to do at this point.  I'm not sure if this is salvagable.
 
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sandy0914
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February 23, 2008, 3:55 am PST

See a therapist before making any decisions

Quote From: dazed_mom

I have been in a relationship for 10 years (we have been married for 7 of those).  He has a child from a previous relationship and we have a child together.  I recently (yesterday) found out that my husband has been having an affair for at least 3 months.  Our phone bill was extremely high for the last several months, so I decided to review the bills and perhaps change providers.  Instead, I found non-stop calls and text from one number in particular.  I called the number and spoke with the "other woman."  She had no idea that he was married and was floored!  When I confronted him, he said that he would end it (she ended up telling him to never call her again).  I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't do ANYTHING.  I am in complete shock and don't want to react without really letting everything sink in.  I don't know that I can ever trust him again (there were trust issues to begin with), but I don't know if I can give up the life that I've worked so hard for!  I understand his reasons - I have purposely distanced myself from him and we haven't been intimate for several months now.  I thought that some time to think and work on individual issues would help, but apparently it has hurt us.  I still think that he was selfish and I know it isn't my fault, but I do understand that I contributed to our emotional distance.  I don't know what to do at this point.  I'm not sure if this is salvagable.

I truly believe that you need to take a deep breath and don't make any rash decisions right now.  I do think you should enlist the help of a therapist to help you and your husband find out why both of you made the choices that you made and help you to find solutions and ideas to get you backo on track.  I applaud you for admitting that you basically shut down emotionally which may have led him to make this mistake however there were many other things he could have done instead of going outside of the marriage.  It was incredibly selfish of him but you have to ask yourself if you were there for him would he have gone this route?  Did he view you as unreachable and unapproachable when you went into shut down mode? 

 

I think you both should leave no stones unturned before making any life decisions.  See a counselor, get Dr. Phil's Relationsip Resue book and work through the exercises.  There are also 2 books which you can find on Ebay or Half.com for a few bucks His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters that would be very helpful.  Put some time into fixing your issues before you deem this relationship unsalvagable as I'm sure you two didn't get to this point overnight and you won't be able to fix it overnight either.  If in 6 months or so you see no changes then that would be the time to consider a separation or divorce but for now don't give up so easily.  Both of you contributed to the demise of this relationship and it will take both of you to fix it.  I wish you well.  MarriageBuilders.com is a good site - take a look at it as well.
 
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dazed_mom
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February 23, 2008, 7:32 am PST

Cheated On

Quote From: sandy0914

I truly believe that you need to take a deep breath and don't make any rash decisions right now.  I do think you should enlist the help of a therapist to help you and your husband find out why both of you made the choices that you made and help you to find solutions and ideas to get you backo on track.  I applaud you for admitting that you basically shut down emotionally which may have led him to make this mistake however there were many other things he could have done instead of going outside of the marriage.  It was incredibly selfish of him but you have to ask yourself if you were there for him would he have gone this route?  Did he view you as unreachable and unapproachable when you went into shut down mode? 

 

I think you both should leave no stones unturned before making any life decisions.  See a counselor, get Dr. Phil's Relationsip Resue book and work through the exercises.  There are also 2 books which you can find on Ebay or Half.com for a few bucks His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters that would be very helpful.  Put some time into fixing your issues before you deem this relationship unsalvagable as I'm sure you two didn't get to this point overnight and you won't be able to fix it overnight either.  If in 6 months or so you see no changes then that would be the time to consider a separation or divorce but for now don't give up so easily.  Both of you contributed to the demise of this relationship and it will take both of you to fix it.  I wish you well.  MarriageBuilders.com is a good site - take a look at it as well.

Thank you for the response.   I had already found MarriageBuilders.com and it is helping to take some of the sting away.  I find it incredibly accurate and am having him read the articles as well.  He said that he is willing to do whatever it takes.  Unfortunately, I am not sure what I will ultimately decide.  I am asking that we set some ground rules and both commit to seeing this thing through.  We didn't get married after knowing each other one day, and I don't think that we should end the marriage in one day either.  I was incredibly unreachable (I admit to this), but I am not sure that things would have been different even if I wasn't in such a state.

 

I have several questions to ask of myself right now.  I am not sure that this was an isolated incident.  He claims it was, but he isn't exactly racking up honesty points at the moment (also, he sees how seriously I am taking this situation).  We have tried therapy several times - to no avail.  He has always been unresponsive.  I have had several therapists tell me that he is not committing to the therapy.  I don't really know how much he is investing into the relationship.  I have already invested everything and don't know how much I have left to give.  I am willing to give it some time, but I'm not sure how much...  

 

Already, I feel better today.  I'm sure that the waves of pain and nausea will come and go.  After a good night's sleep, I feel rested and ready to face the day.  The life that was complicated and the marriage that was shaky have become even more complicated and even shakier.  I keep thinking - Life is what we make of it.  I'm trying to reinforce to myself that I DO have a choice.  I can choose to stay or leave.  I don't need to be unhappy, but I don't want to just give up. 
 
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Needbehappy
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February 23, 2008, 3:55 pm PST

I've been there

Quote From: hurtbad

I also wanted to say or ask, how can he expect me to live the rest of our lives without any intimacy? Is it fair? i honestly don't know if I could live for another 30 or 40yrs like I am. By the way I am 46yrs old/young. It might sound stupid but I feel I need affection, I would like to have sex with my husband, I would like him to want me. It hurts so much when I think that he doesn't want me but he wanted the other women. My mind is turning somersaults trying to decide what to do. I have always loved him but I am at the stage now that I don't like him very much. It would be really hard for me starting over again. I don't work and I don't know what to do.
 My story similar, been married 27 years. Worried out of my mind, with no money, didn't want to destroy the family for sake of 4 children.  Two weeks ago, I served him with papers, he was surprised as hell.  Now, acting like a pussycat.  If you don't want to live in that situation, must change it and do what needs to be done.  That bastard need a harsh lesson in his life.
 
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sandy0914
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February 24, 2008, 5:51 am PST

Cheated On

Quote From: Needbehappy

 My story similar, been married 27 years. Worried out of my mind, with no money, didn't want to destroy the family for sake of 4 children.  Two weeks ago, I served him with papers, he was surprised as hell.  Now, acting like a pussycat.  If you don't want to live in that situation, must change it and do what needs to be done.  That bastard need a harsh lesson in his life.
FYI - You are replying to a message from 2005.  Make sure you are registered and logged in and the most recent posts will list first.
 
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