Topic : Cheated On

I am a 28 year old woman, who has been married for 2 years and 7 months.  I have been in a relationship with my husband for almost 6 years.  Our relationship before our marriage...was totally involved.  We did everything together....went everywhere together.  I saw him everyday, even if only for an hour.  His mom did not like me...at all.  She made no bones about it with me...but in front of him she was a totally different person.  At the beginning of our relationship I almost broke up with him.  I got scared of how much I cared about him.  I have never been one to trust people.  Too many have come into my life, into the life of those that I love, and hurt us.  I have a very small circle of people in my life, about 8 and two of them are kids.  One is my bestfriend, who has been in my life for 12 years.  When we first met....we had a rocky start.  Met in highschool, and there was alot of gossip and rumors.  Made it hard to trust her again after that.  For a long time we didn't even talk...saw her again in college, and we became friendly again...now 12 years later I can say she is one of my bestfriends.  Outside of my immediate family, it was only her and my husband, that I have allowed to get close to me.  When I decided not to break up with him...I opened up everything to him.  I didn't keep secrets, I didn't hide anything.  I thought he did the same with me.  Or atleast it seemed like it.  We got married in 2005...and we decided we were gonna wait a year to have kids.  I wanted that first year for us...for our lives.  I wanted to travel with him, and just enjoy being married.  The first year was great.  We traveled, we stayed out late, did all the things we wanted to do.  Then we started talking seriously about having a baby.  Well at the end of that first year I got off of birth control.  He slowly stopped talking to me.  Which was weird, because we always talked..about everything.  I mean we had nights where we stayed up late in the dark just talking.  We shared everything...he used to tell me that I was the only one he never hid things from.  But then things started changing....sex became alot less frequent, before this we shared and acted out all our fantasies.  There was nothing taboo, in talking or doing.  I was totally open to making him happy.  I mean I wouldn't have done anything I didn't want too, but I was open with him, sexually and emotionally.   But then he started playing more and more video games.  What used to be an hour or two ...became 3 or 4.  He started coming up to bed late, and then watching tv til he fell asleep.  Started viewing porn alot more, and it began to replace me.  I would straight out tell him, I wanted to have sex, make love...you think it I said it to him.  I would plan romantic evenings...decorate the whole first floor of my house, cook, plan music, created a little area with pillows and a mattress, and sheets..candle lite...new sexy clothes.  He enjoyed those evenings, but with me he had few romantic evenings that he would plan.  A couple of times, during sex, he would be unable to perform.  I would do my best to be supportive, truth is the sex wasn't always about an orgasm for me.  It was about being close to him.  I wanted to feel him.  Well like I said sex happened very seldom, other than the occasional slap in the ass, or a grope.  He would kiss me...tell me he loved me, but he would barely touch me.   I used to get up on saturday morning, go to check something on the computer and find some window open to some porn site...rather than waking me up and making love to me....he would watch porn.  My biggest mistake is that I didn't want to be the nagging fishwife, so I gave him absolute trust.  He would supposedly go to the casino to play poker, or go to his friends house for video games and poker...I let him.  I trusted him a 100%.  There was never a question for me that he would ever cheat on me.  His friends would go out of there way to tell me that he was lucky to have a wife like me.  That they wish they had wives like me.  I took it as a good thing.  He travels all the time for work...I never ever questioned it.  He went to Las Vegas with the boys fror a week...after we were married...they were planning to go to Amsterdam...I said it was ok.  Then I got pregnant....and the day we were to find out if it was a boy or girl...we found out the baby was sick.  It was the week of our anniversary.  I was so lost.  From the moment we found out we were pregnant, all we prayed for was that... the baby would be healthy.  About 2 weeks later we found out that the baby was so sick that she couldn't survive.  We thought she might have Downs...or Turners...we had decided that if she had that we would keep her.  We would adjust our lives to have her.  I would have done anything to keep her.  But when we got the results of the Aminocentesis, it was to find out that she had some rare chromosome disorder that would guarantee her death.  Basically even if we wanted to have her... I would have lost her at 28 weeks...or worse she would have been born...deformed and in pain only to die within days.  So we made the only decision that we could.  I made a decision that will haunt me for the rest of my life.  I wanted to die afterwards.  I actually contemplated taking my life.  Which in itself says alot...since I was raised to believe that if you took your own life...you went straight to hell.  But I made the choice not too...cause I didn't want to leave him alone.  At the beginning we talked and cried alot...he was really supportive.  But he didn't talk about how he felt...I would ask him....all the time.  I guess I needed to know that I wasn't the only one grieving.  But he wouldn't talk about it....and I get it...everyone deals differently with pain.  But then he started changing the subject when I would talk about it.  So I started keeping it to myself.  Truth is....I closed myself as much as I could off of it...cause I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone.  Everyone kept asking when we were gonna try again....his family and mine.  It got annoying...cause I was terrified of going thru this again.  It happened in November...by March we were talking about maybe trying again.  He would tell me how much he wanted kids with me...and I wanted them with him.  So we were gonna try.  Then about a week and a half after my birthday...which we went to the keys and again had no sex...although he stayed up to watch tv...he tells me that he lied to me.  That on a day he was supposed to be at a dinner with his coworkers...they went to a strip joint...and he let a stripper touch him intimately.  He told me while I was still at work...crying.  He had been calling and texting me all day that he felt sick...showed up at my job crying and freaking me out....asking me to please come downstairs to see him.  I flew out of the office...scared that he was really sick.  Only to find him sitting in the truck sobbing, that he had lied to me that he had betrayed my trust.  Told me what had happened and then showed me that he had two blood tests done...to check that he didn't have anything. As if that would make me feel better.  But see till this day he swears he had no actual sex with her...that it was just touching...her to him.  I don't believe him.  What hurts is that he knows how I've been feeling about the baby...and that we were considering trying again...and he does this.  I don't trust him now...at all.  He tells me he's sorry and and I think he is....but I think he would do it again.  The day he told me...I kicked him out of our bed and our room.  Not out of the house.  I cried....and it felt like I was breaking....I didn't tell my mom...who I talk to about pretty much everything.  But see I didn't want to hurt them or make things more difficult for us.  Recently I finally told my mom...I moved into my parents house...I've been there about a week now.  I feel so displaced...and lost.  I feel so angry and hurt. He wants to fix things...he talked about marriage counseling but I don't know that I want to do that.  I just don't believe him.  Right now he's playing poker...alot.  Since I left the house...to stay at my moms...he says he's playing poker...and I want to believe him....that that's all he's doing...but the part that's been hurt doesn't believe him.  I don't see him the same...I don't feel the same near him.  I miss him...but at the same time I'm still so angry with him...and I'm trying to get past it....but I can't seem to.  I don't know what to do.  I'm praying...and praying...and trying to stay positive.  But it is so freakin hard...and I usually only want to cry and sleep.  I know I'm depressed...and I feel so alone.  My family has been really supportive....but it's so hard.  I just feel like a shadow of myself.  I feel like I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown...and there is so much pain in me....and I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I would highly recommend that you make an appt. with a therapist to help you deal with the loss of your baby as well as the marital issues you are trying to deal with right now.  A trained professional can help you a great deal especially since right now you are totally lost and don't have a direction.  I'm saying to go alone for now and if you do decide that you want to try and save this marriage then ask your husband to join you at a later time.  I think it's normal after being hurt by the one you love to emotionally shut down and feel all that you are feeling right now.  But it's certainly no way to live long term.  If you can find it within yourself in time to forgive him and trust him again then your marriage is certainly salvageable.  But, he will need to earn your trust back and if that means no more solo tips, no more poker games, no porn etc. then he will have to do whatever you need for him to do to start working towards earning back your trust.   That would certainly mean that you would have to take a risk with him and open up your heart once again.  Sometimes that is easier said than done which is why therapy would be beneficial to you at this time in your life.  You will find out in therapy if you are even capable of allowing him in once again or if you can get past the betrayal.  Not all of us are equipped to handle our own problems which is why therapy can be so helpful.  Give it a shot, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.  All marriages go through hard times, even the seemingly perfect ones and when we stop trusting ourselves and our ability to make clear decisions regarding our futures it's time to call a professional to help us get on the road to recovery or make important decisions. 

Your husband has a major sickness!  I agree with the other person that posted.  Get out of this relationship as its unhealthy for both you and your children.  I know it's hard to think of going through a divorce, I am going through one now due to my husband cheating.  I was a stay at home Mom and have only worked partime for three years and it is scary, but I'll make it and you can too.  You need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your children.  You don't need to depend on this man, he's just dragging you down further and further.  You don't want your children to watch him do this to you, show them you are strong.  They can't look to him for example, they are depending on that from you.  You will suprise yourself, you can stand on your own two feet.  I truly believe that most mothers have an instinct to do whatever they have to do to take care of their children and that's what you need to do.  Good luck to you!

  I really appreciate all this advice!!!! I don't know why i have put up with all this for so long. After reading these posts it has made me feel stronger. ( I hope ) actually i know i can do this. I just applied to drive a school bus, cross your fingers for me. I cant even look at the big jerk!!!and i now know he is the one who's losing everything, not me, hes the stupid one. I don't even know why i have been wasting my time for the last 2 1/2 years what a waste. Its funny,well actually not funny, he has been trying to tell me that his friend ha ha used his phone to text the girl that works at the gym,before i would have tried to believe him but not any more, like i said I'm not the stupid one anymore, he is ,he has no clue what he has lost yet its karma. I never thought about him having a sickness but he is sick so sick. I will pull myself out of all this and i wont let him drag me down any further.You are so right, i don't need to depend on him anymore and my kids need me to set a good example for them. My oldest daughter has asked me many times to get rid of him she cant stand him and i need to show her how strong her mom can be and will be.I can do this and will!!! i am going to tell him what i think of him. I'm sure he doesn't care obviously but it will feel good.

  I really appreciate all this advice!!!! I don't know why i have put up with all this for so long. After reading these posts it has made me feel stronger. ( I hope ) actually i know i can do this. I just applied to drive a school bus, cross your fingers for me. I cant even look at the big jerk!!!and i now know he is the one who's losing everything, not me, hes the stupid one. I don't even know why i have been wasting my time for the last 2 1/2 years what a waste. Its funny,well actually not funny, he has been trying to tell me that his friend ha ha used his phone to text the girl that works at the gym,before i would have tried to believe him but not any more, like i said I'm not the stupid one anymore, he is ,he has no clue what he has lost yet its karma. I never thought about him having a sickness but he is sick so sick. I will pull myself out of all this and i wont let him drag me down any further.You are so right, i don't need to depend on him anymore and my kids need me to set a good example for them. My oldest daughter has asked me many times to get rid of him she cant stand him and i need to show her how strong her mom can be and will be.I can do this and will!!! i am going to tell him what i think of him. I'm sure he doesn't care obviously but it will feel good.

Last year my husband left  We talked he came back in sept I did not know that he was seeing some else till she knocked on my door,  He said it was over a week later he left to leave with her, She is a not a nice person and either was he at the time. IN feb  he came back and i let him and he left with a text message.

No in may he saying he thinking of coming home when he come to see his son we all have a good time, but he leave and goes to this women house and her kids . I have told  her what he says and she say i am a lier. WHAT ! ok  She asked me to back off let them have a life and a family, My inlaws all know what she did emails, breaking in to accounts  sending me letters and posting  really bad thing on the net.  I miss my husband during this time i got sick with cancer and did it alone. I know my husband  loves me I can not give up why  i want to

I urge you to seek outside professional help for yourself ASAP. You need and deserve the support of an unbiased, professional person who can guide you towards the steps needed in order to live a happy, healthy life. Right now, constantly thinking about this man coming back to you or not- that is too stressful! That is something that you have no power/control over at all. Stop putting your focus and energy into hoping and wishing, and begin putting your focus and energy into YOU. Do things that will make you feel good about yourself, find your passion in life. If you do this, you will be leading your child as a positive example. Otherwise, your child will grow up thinking that this is “normal,” for a man to be disrespectful, to go away when he feels like it, and for the woman to simply tolerate it. As a parent myself, I know that you want better for your child; but you are the only one who can be a strong example of what ‘better’ is. I wish you the best!

OK,  here goes. I have been married for going on 25 years. My wife decided to have an affair with a co-worker for a period of two years. I found out when his wife called to tell me what was going on. After I found out I have tried to forgive and forget, but it is a whole lot harder than I thought. After I found out it was discussed and I was told that there would be no more contact with that individual. A few months later I spotted my wife sitting with the individual on break at work. I again confronted my spouse and got the old, it was just two friends talking. To me that is BS. During our discussions I was told that there was no sex invloved. That I find very difficult to believe because of the length of time that the affair took place. I don't buy it and I don't think I ever will. Any how, I have tried to keep the marriage together but the longer it goes the harder it is to do. I can not trust her. I have tried but deep inside I just absolutely do not believe her. I think that there is still the chance that it is still occuring. I personally have not seen anything, but I hear enough to keep doubt in my mind. I do love my wife and children but I do not think that I can continue on this path as is. I want to keep the marriage together for the children but I think that it is having the opposite affect on my kids. Our relationship is strained to say the least. I do not know if I can ever trust again.