Topic : Cheated On

Unfortunately only time will tell if you can find it in your heart to ever forgive her but you will certainly never forget what she has done to you and your family.  If she truly wats to fix this marriage then she has to live by your "rules" for a while.  If you need for her to quit her job so that this guy is totaly out of the picture then she needs to do that, if you need for her to go to marriage counseling then she needs to do that, if you want her to get a new cell phone number then she needs to do that etc.  She must be willing to do whatever it takes to regain your trust until...................  For her to be in contact with this guy is just another slap in your face - she can't have it both ways and she needs to get that. 

If you truly believe in your heart that this affair is still going on and you feel that you need some sort of physical proof you can hire a P.I. , put a tap on your phone, spyware on your computer but I have to tell you your gut instinct is probably the best indicator.  You know when something is wrong after 25 years of marriage.  And I do agree with you that staying for the kids isn't doing them any favors.    I truly believe that everything and anything should be done before a marriage is dissolved, but both parties must be willing to give 110% and be completely upfront and honest with eachother regardless of the outcome.   You both need to figure out as well what went wrong and when - why did she choose to go outside of the marriage and can you resolve those issues as well.  I wish you well and I hope you can find some peace with your decision.

There is nothing wrong with you.  You have been married for 15 years and ending this marriage, starting over and moving on is not easy regardless of the situation.  You have to be patient with yourself, you will have good days and bad days so expect them.  One day you will feel like a new woman and the next you will be under those covers crying your eyes out.  I truly think you will begin to heal from this relationship when you admit to yourself and TRULY believe that it is over.  Until you can do that you will always hold onto that shread of hope that he will actually change. 

You need to reach out to people and support groups, get new hobbies, do things that you enjoy and keep busy!  Stop all contact with him unless it hs to do with the kids and no more sleepovers!  Dr. Phil has a great book Self Matters that is all about you.  Get it on Ebay or Half.com for a few $$.  Get into therapy for direction and support. 

Most of all realize that this marriage has suffered a slow death and letting go is not easy.  You need to give yourself time to mourn the relationship - Mourning is a process, NOT a final destination -  

And yes, I do believe in karma.  The best revenge is to live a happy and healthy life after you kick his butt to the curb!

No one can ever judge how you react to this happening to you.  Affairs don't come from the blue, we know, but are too afraid to admit it.  Finally when we do, it is pretty far into the relationship for them.  TRUST is always there until it is lost.  It is up to him to work his butt off to regain the trust, if that is truely what he wants and if you TRUELY want it to work.  A break is always good. 

Obviously this happened in my marriage.  I was 17 and he was 21 when we married.  It was not an easy ride, and she was just there to tell him that I was not the one for him.  And with never experiencing an other love relationship, he jumped at it.  The thing with him is that he was not the same man when he was with her and I could see through it.  I was also totally willing to let him go as well.  This is how I handled it.  He went to work after a FULL night of discussion regarding the situation.  I was a mess of course.  He came home for lunch, I feed him, like I always did.  I let him have his cat nap, like I always did.  Then I asked him if he spoke to her at work (she worked with him).  He said he told her he couldn't, my response was couldn't or wouldn't and he responded with couldn't.  So I went into our bedroom with 2 laundry baskets, packed his things in his car, took our house key and mail key from his key chain and went back down stairs.  I calmly told him that he had obviously made his decision and told him that he no longer lived with us.  He was shocked.  Then called me a few names, I never responded.  After about 2-3 months he had had enough.  I told him I wasn't interested until he got help to figure out what went wrong. He went to get help and we have been happily together now for 13 yrs since the incident.  Now on the other hand the woman he was with has since broken up 3 marriages and I am sure is working on another.  But not my life, what goes around comes around.

My suggestion would be to get help yourself, and he has to prove to you with seeing his cell phone, emails, etc to win back your trust, if he really is worth the fight, then go ahead fight for the relationship.  But if he can't give you that, then you have to move on.  I would rather be alone then with someone and alone.

It happens to more people than they care to admit.  It is sad that people take relationships so lightly.  If they only knew that it is the hardest job you will ever have in your life, with the biggest rewards.

Enjoy and good luck

I married who I thought was a man to be trusted we just did what we had to do and I never doubted him and where he was.

He cheated with my brothers wife of almost 20 years. My husband worked for them and they were having troubles and so convenient before they started talking. I am not sure if I stopped it in time or not. He says sex was not involved I am not sure even today this was not the case.

I started my own investigation thanks to my brother saying something is wrong. I tapped conversation, monitored the phone bill and cut off text messages in the end, oh yes I did i watched and wrote down every thing I thought I would need. It did not take me long to catch what was going on.

She lied so much I tried to get her to tell the truth and she blamed everyone but herself. My husband had to confess to what had been going on. he thought he loved her, blah blah, I did kick him out for a period of time I really struggled with this and still do.

He robbed me of my trust in him and not sure I will ever get it back. I no longer believe in what he says and my feelings for sure have changed and I know I wil not get them back. I am a church going person so he got lucky I did not kick him to the curb. If I was the person I was years back I would boot him out. I lived with  being married to a former cheater 14 years before and swore that would never be again.

As for her she still has not owned up to what she has done and my relationship  with her is over and glad I did not much care for her all these years anyhow. Sad part is I do not get to talk to my brother because she threatens to leave him so oh well. I can't stand her and not sure I will get pass this.

I am not going to live my life dwelling either that empowers him to have that control. i did not create this mess he did and I will not be owned by it.

The only part that makes me mad he has that trust in me I have none in him.

I thought passing this on may empower someone to read it and think along those lines.

I know I did nothing to create this mess it's a choice that two people chose to make and I am so much better than that so the responsibility is on his shoulder daily not mine!

I am going to try to make this short. I need help. I have been married 18 1/2 years. Quick History

In 1995 I had a hystorectomy. During my stay in the hospital my friend later told me that my husband had hit on her. Of course he denied it. Years later, 2003, I caught him looking at porn online. I expressed my disapproval. In 2004, we went on vacation, a friend of ours brought a friend of hers from work, he had just had surgery, circumcision, the week prior. He was drinking and on pain meds. He went to missiing, she went to missing, I found him in a pool of blood. He swore nothing happened other than him having an erection, and that caused his incision to rip open. I stayed. In 2006 I caught him online talking to women. He was looking, and had met one at McDonalds for Tea. I went off, we had a hard year, we decided to stay together and work it out. He used excuses like I wasn't paying him any attention, and never wanted to have sex. I haven't really checked up on him, I was trying to trust him again, but I don't think that is ever going to be possible. A couple of weeks ago, I wanted to know how much money we had in the safe (that's were we keep like emergency money, not a lot just $1,000 or less). He didn't know I could get into the safe. I get in there, and there is his laptop. Why would his laptop be in the safe? Well, I looked at it. I went to past history, and he had been looking at Craigslist Personal ads. I put spyware on it, and went back to check it, the laptop was moved. I have been unable to find it anywhere in the house. Another problem I have is this. He has two cell phones. One he had for business on SunCom, and a Verizon phone. The Verizon phone is in my name, and eht Suncom is in his, he has a password on the Sun Com account and I can't access it. He will not let me near his cell phones, or his computer. I am a nosey person, and I like to investigate people. I seem to be really good at it to some degree, but not with finding his computer and checking his cell phone. We had a coversation last week, and he tells me that I am unattentive to him, and I never initiate sex. Well, neither does he. I don't think he understands, his attitude about other things, and the way he has done in the past, makes it difficult for me to have sex with him. Especially the way I feel now, and when we are trying to be intamate all I can do is think about if he has been with someone else. He swears he hasn't, but are any of them ever honest. In his defense about the phone and computer, he has always been possessive of his "things". He doesn't like others to mess with them. I don't really want advice from someone who hasn't been through this. I used to say "I would do this, I would do that", but I stayed anyway. I really want advice from someone who can truely help me out here. I have even bought spyware to instal on his cell phone, but I can't get near it. Help Me!!

I just found out today by seeing a vivid picture of my husbands penis and a womans vagina in action.  I am sick to my stomach.  I know we have been having problems for a long time and to be honest with you I've always had a feeling because of his behavior.  We have been married for 7 years. no kids together.  From the beginning of our marriage he as always put me down about my son and has accused me of having affairs.  I really thought that he would grow out of this but it only got worse because I allowed him to be that way.  I take full responsibility.  It was hard for me to get real close because of his anger, his chatting on the internet and his porn.  He continually tried to tell me it was me that made him do it because I wouldn't give him enough sex.  It hurt me to know that he couldn't trust me!  I worked long hours with my job and by doing this it paid the bills.  He was hit with huge child support and didn't make a lot of money.  He always yelled at me told me to shut up and called me a lot of names.  It is my fault for trying to think it would change.  He would promised me he would get help and never did.  Lots of promises to keep me aloof and then when he didn't like something I said he would get angry and then bring my son into it and how I disrespect him.  What about everything and all the hours and the sacrifices that I made to ensure that we had a place to live and food to it.   I have never even looked at another man of interest and I am always at work or at home.  I'm really scared because I have no one here except my son and I feel totally alone and I don't know who to talk to.  Now that I saw this pic of him and that woman he is now saying he wants this marriage and he loves me and he doesn't want to lose me.  He made a mistake.  For years he threatened to leave me and I finally said go and he never would.  I'm in trouble and I don't know what to do.  I took my vows seriously but i don't want to be stupid about this either.

I think you really need to take a look at the big picture as a whole and do alot of soul searching regarding this marriage.  For 7 years he has been disrespecting you, accusing you of cheating, living with his threats and putting up with his put downs - not to mention supporting the household and probably a whole lot more.   He finally gets caught and now he professes his love for you and wants to change after years of broken promises.

I do believe to some degree that people can change but basically they are who they are.  He would require a whole lot of therapy and truly believe and understand that what he has done emotionally to you all these years was dispicable and wrong.  I'm wondering if he can ever get to that place.....

You on the other hand have stayed because you were scared to be alone, afraid of change, afraid of the unknown.  You put up with his crap year after year because you didn't want to be alone - you'd rather be in a bad marriage than be alone.  I'm sure your self esteem and self worth has sufferred tremendously over the years which is why you are struggling at this point.  Your gut tells you he is no good and that you've put up with enough already - and you have.  His infidelity is the last straw as it should be.

I really urge you to go to counseling on your own so you can talk this through with a trained professional or member of the clergy.  This is solely your decision and you need to be in a good frame of mind to make the best decision for you.  In my opinion - he'll change for a little while to get back into your good graces and then revert back to his old ways in no time.  You deserve a whole lot better and I'd rather be alone anyday than to be in a sick dysfunctional abusive relationship.   I wish you well.