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Topic : 03/21 When In-Laws Cross the Line

Number of Replies: 423
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Created on : Friday, September 15, 2006, 12:00:46 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 09/19/06) Bloody attacks, arrests, mug shots and undercover stings -- sounds like life in a rough part of town, but this is what happens when some in-law conflicts go too far! Maria and her 73-year-old mother-in-law, Catherine, came to blows over their disagreements, landing Maria in jail. Maria's husband, Ted, is tired of being in the middle and wants his mom to change her ways. Why does Catherine say it's not her fault? Can these women learn to drop their fists and get along? Then, follow a chilling true-crime story that made headlines across the nation and destroyed a family. Karen says her in-laws attempted to hire a hit man to kill her, her children and even the family dog, and the whole encounter was caught on tape! How can she and her children overcome this life-changing event? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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September 18, 2006, 8:07 am CDT

In Laws

I thought when I got married 12 years ago, life would be great.  It didn't take my mother-in-law very long to show her true colors.  My husband tell me just to let things go.  Yes I know some things that bother me are really not worth thinking about but after a while they all add up.  For instance my husband doesn't "belong" to me.  He will always be "HER" son.  There are three children in that family and they are all scared to say no to her.  If mother says jump they don't even ask how high they jump.  My mother-in-law won't ask for something she demands it.  This is funny.  We were to go the their place this past weekend and were to leave on friday.  My husband told her that we could not make it friday.  She asked why, and was told in detail why not.  If I could just get my husband to cut the apron strings life would be better.  Here's something that really made me mad.  My mother-in-law said we were all getting together on a certain weekend.  I told her we had plans with our friends.  She asked us if we could change our plans for a different day.  Because that was they best weekend for her.  What upset me was that she just wanted us over at her place.  Not for anything special.  My husband changed our plans.  I was so mad I think everyone knew it too.  She wants to know everything we do and make sure she has a say in everything.

I know it is not all her fault and I know that my huband should set the boundries but he thinks that it is talking back to his parents.  I am almost tempted on doing it myself but I  don't know what kind of damage it would do to my marriage.  Our marriage is pretty great but this could but a huge hole in it.  I have always said that if we every get a seperation or divorce it would mostly be my mother-in-laws fault.  By the way my father-in-law jumps almost everytime too.

 
September 18, 2006, 1:29 pm CDT

MIL crossed

My MIL crossed the line when she told my 5 year old son that his mommy was moving out. She told him I was getting my own house and that I was not going to be his mommy no more. That he was moving in with his NANA. I told her that was it and that we will have nothing to do with that family. My son was really confused he even went to his preschool and told his teacher that I was not his mommy no more. He told her his Nana told him so! My son has never ever said anything like this before. Well there was a time when he said that his Nana loved his cousin Emily more than him. My son is very smart and I feel that I am doing the right think by not letting his family into our lives. Am I right? Please I need Help!!!
 
September 18, 2006, 5:11 pm CDT

I need help with my manipulative MIL and BIL!

I have been married for 3.5 years and I love my husband dearly, and that is why I am hoping to get help so that I can learn to peacefully co-exist with my in-laws. Initially, I was the "hand-picked" daughter-in-law, when I was "set up" with my now husband. Everything changed when the wedding approached. My mother-in-law is a control freak, because her siblings, husband and sons have let her have her way all her life. I came from a home where I saw my mom's feelings and opinions trampled on when it came to my dad's family because of the way she appeased everything. My dad finally realized that my mom's opinion's mattered and their relationship is so much healthier now than it was before. I want a healthy family based on my husband and I, and eventually our kids. 

I feel that the problem with my MIL is that she has no experience being a DIL and her mother was a very toxic person when it came to her DILs. My husband's grandmother babysat her daughter's children (son's children had to find a sitter), and was demeaning to her DILs on various levels. In addition, my MIL's MIL met her once overseas before she died and they were only together for a couple of weeks. She never knew how it was to be a DIL. In turn, I hear my MIL blame all of her extended family's problems on ILs. On several occasions, I have heard her blame her nephews' teenage pregnancies, divorces, and mental issues on her ILs. She even blames her sister-in-law for her nephew being gay, because once she bought him expensive leather gloves! Yet, when she gets together with them she is so two-faced. The problem is that I see the same thing creeping into our relationship. I have caught her on several occasions talking about me behind my back when she does not notice that I walk in. Despite the fact that my budgeting managed to pay off our mortgage in 3 years, she thinks that I "waste" her "son's" money because I dress well and buy my husband nice clothes (usually outlet, wholesale, sale, or a gift from my parents) and keep a nice home. Although, she does not have the guts to tell me what is bothering her directly, she does make bitting remarks when my husband is not around. Everything became 100 times worse when my husband's brother moved to the same city. He is a mooch that uses his friends (so he lost them) and relationships until they are no longer useful. When I refused to have him over for dinner as often (he came at least once a week) because of his attitudes and so many problems that I do not have time to discuss, she got upset. When my husband and I told her our concerns, she called ME a lier and said that I was the worse thing that ever entered into her family. I cried for a week, especially after all of the time that I spent doing things for her, bitting my tongue, and generally being nice. She since admitted that the things that we were concerned about were true, but never apologized. Instead she said that my husband's younger brother was young, and that we should just ignore all of the hell he puts us through, but heaven forbid we see him less! In the end, she rewarded my BIL with the down payment on the apartment they bought for him (when we bought our house, she gave us a BBQ). She manipulates to get her way with everything. She hated my BIL girlfriend that he was mooching off of, so if the down-payment wasn't enough, she assumed the $90000 mortgage on his apartment and the girl was dumped the next week. She has run her family using a system of guilt and manipulation all of her life. She still does it. Sometimes she gets in these distant moods and she won't let us know why, but the backstabbing is usually flying. My husband defends me quite often, but I have caught him lying about his brother and mother (covering for them) so many times "so I won't think badly of them." When I ask him why, the standard reply is "I don't know." My MIL manipulates my husband into "being a good brother" and he feels obliged to spend time with him even though he is poison in our relationship. In the end, I need help diffusing this constant tension. I love my husband, but I am tired of being manipulated, controlled and put down. Does anyone have any advice for me? thanks for listening

 
September 18, 2006, 5:41 pm CDT

09/19 When In-Laws Cross the Line

Quote From: leegraaleb3

I'm new to the message board never wrote in one before but this topic struck a nerve with me. I guess you can say I need a little feedback in knowing if I'm making the write choices for my family. I'll start by saying that until the beginning of this year (2006) I've had a great relationship with my in laws. In two years time my husband and I have had 2 children and we also have an 8 year old. My problem started last January with my mother in law. She had been babysitting our children for a few years and I appreciated her for that. However she crossed the lines when she didn't want to follow our rules for our children. I caught her numerous times driving around without my babies in their car seats. She would allow the older child and his cousins to completely walk all over her and disrespect her. I corrected my child but the other childrens parents seem to not care. She really crossed the line in January when she stopped at my house and wanted my oldest child to go shopping with her. I told her and my son no. There were 2 reasons for that 1) She had been drinking. Shes an alcoholic and 2) my child was told he could not go shopping with her until he knew how to respect other people especially in public places. He had been really disrespectful shopping a few weeks earlier with grandma. My son got mad and walked out of the house. I told him that when he was finished cooling off he could sit on our front steps and wait for his dad to get home. He was do home anytime. She ( the grandma) left my house and drove down the rode and picked him up. She took him shopping with her. I was TICKED because she completely just ignored me. Well things got patched up by mid march and I allowed her to start seeing the children again. But I had very clearly let her know that she had to respect the way we were choosing to raise our children. She knew our rules and she abided by them for awhile but things just got worse. One of our rules was that she had to make an honest effort to seek help for her drinking. We understood that there would be set backs I made our home open to her as long as she was not drinking day or night she was welcome. She was also told that she was not able to travel with our children.  Not only does she have an alcohol problem but she also has had many health problems and is on numerous medications that counteract with the alcohol.  In late june one of our cars broke down and my husband and I wanted to have it towed so we asked her if she would take our oldest to his baseball game and we would meet her there. When we got there  it was apparent to us she had been drinking. So she drove with our son knowing we'd find out. You could smell it on her. We got that worked out and not soon after that she screwd up BIG TIME. At the end of July she came to my house I was not home but my children and husband were. I walked into my house and walked into the room that my husband and her were in and walked straight out because I knew all ready by the smell she was drunk. My husband told her to leave. She left but called later to see if we would pick her up to go to a local festival since we had already had plans to do that. We went to her house to pick her up and she said she couldn't find her purse so after waiting for about 5 minutes my husband said lets just go without her. I left having a relief feeling thinking she was way to drunk to drive herself up there so we would have a relaxing night. Boy was I wrong she showed up . I really don't know how she got there without killing herself or an innocent person but she did. That is the night that she broke the camels back. She went up to get some beer ( it was a polka fest with German Food and Beer) By the time she got back I had moved myself and children right along the dance floor so she would hopefully get the drift. I had already told my husband to tell her to leave but he didn't. So as she came back she was standing right beside me so I got up and looked her directly in the eye and told her to not bother with calling my house no more or contacting my children. By this time my husband has stood up and is wondering whats going on. She asked me why it was ok for me to drink but not her. I told her i was not having that discussion there but she kept yelling that question out so I yelled at her back that I was not the alcoholic she was. She didn't like that so she smacked me and tried to throw more hits but my husband stepped in and grabbed her by the neck. She did this with her grandchildren right there. So at this point alot more has gone on to much to mention but I have cut all access to my children to there grandma, I do not speak with her I have changed all of our email addresses so she has to go by the rules now. My husband very rarely talks to her and I'm sure she thinks its because of me but he knows I would never make him choose between me or his family. He is just respecting the fact that I don't want them on my property or calling my home or trying to sneak around to let her see our children. Lately shes been calling here so I told my husband that if she continues I will have our phone number changed and it will be unlisted. I feel bad for keeping my children from there grandma but she is not safe and totally does not grasp that her disease has effected us and I refuse to allow my children to see that side of a disease that there to young to understand. Am I doing the right thing?
dude, ANY grandparent who risks their grandkids lives gets what they deserve.

my family had like the normal issues but i NEVER remember any of the the 'in-lawsl' wanting to hurt us grandkids. all they wanted to do was love us and spend time with us and respected the fact that no matter the difference between parents and them we came first.

keep your kids away from grandma. you really don't need stress like her around.
 
September 18, 2006, 8:55 pm CDT

You are doing the right thing

Quote From: leegraaleb3

I'm new to the message board never wrote in one before but this topic struck a nerve with me. I guess you can say I need a little feedback in knowing if I'm making the write choices for my family. I'll start by saying that until the beginning of this year (2006) I've had a great relationship with my in laws. In two years time my husband and I have had 2 children and we also have an 8 year old. My problem started last January with my mother in law. She had been babysitting our children for a few years and I appreciated her for that. However she crossed the lines when she didn't want to follow our rules for our children. I caught her numerous times driving around without my babies in their car seats. She would allow the older child and his cousins to completely walk all over her and disrespect her. I corrected my child but the other childrens parents seem to not care. She really crossed the line in January when she stopped at my house and wanted my oldest child to go shopping with her. I told her and my son no. There were 2 reasons for that 1) She had been drinking. Shes an alcoholic and 2) my child was told he could not go shopping with her until he knew how to respect other people especially in public places. He had been really disrespectful shopping a few weeks earlier with grandma. My son got mad and walked out of the house. I told him that when he was finished cooling off he could sit on our front steps and wait for his dad to get home. He was do home anytime. She ( the grandma) left my house and drove down the rode and picked him up. She took him shopping with her. I was TICKED because she completely just ignored me. Well things got patched up by mid march and I allowed her to start seeing the children again. But I had very clearly let her know that she had to respect the way we were choosing to raise our children. She knew our rules and she abided by them for awhile but things just got worse. One of our rules was that she had to make an honest effort to seek help for her drinking. We understood that there would be set backs I made our home open to her as long as she was not drinking day or night she was welcome. She was also told that she was not able to travel with our children.  Not only does she have an alcohol problem but she also has had many health problems and is on numerous medications that counteract with the alcohol.  In late june one of our cars broke down and my husband and I wanted to have it towed so we asked her if she would take our oldest to his baseball game and we would meet her there. When we got there  it was apparent to us she had been drinking. So she drove with our son knowing we'd find out. You could smell it on her. We got that worked out and not soon after that she screwd up BIG TIME. At the end of July she came to my house I was not home but my children and husband were. I walked into my house and walked into the room that my husband and her were in and walked straight out because I knew all ready by the smell she was drunk. My husband told her to leave. She left but called later to see if we would pick her up to go to a local festival since we had already had plans to do that. We went to her house to pick her up and she said she couldn't find her purse so after waiting for about 5 minutes my husband said lets just go without her. I left having a relief feeling thinking she was way to drunk to drive herself up there so we would have a relaxing night. Boy was I wrong she showed up . I really don't know how she got there without killing herself or an innocent person but she did. That is the night that she broke the camels back. She went up to get some beer ( it was a polka fest with German Food and Beer) By the time she got back I had moved myself and children right along the dance floor so she would hopefully get the drift. I had already told my husband to tell her to leave but he didn't. So as she came back she was standing right beside me so I got up and looked her directly in the eye and told her to not bother with calling my house no more or contacting my children. By this time my husband has stood up and is wondering whats going on. She asked me why it was ok for me to drink but not her. I told her i was not having that discussion there but she kept yelling that question out so I yelled at her back that I was not the alcoholic she was. She didn't like that so she smacked me and tried to throw more hits but my husband stepped in and grabbed her by the neck. She did this with her grandchildren right there. So at this point alot more has gone on to much to mention but I have cut all access to my children to there grandma, I do not speak with her I have changed all of our email addresses so she has to go by the rules now. My husband very rarely talks to her and I'm sure she thinks its because of me but he knows I would never make him choose between me or his family. He is just respecting the fact that I don't want them on my property or calling my home or trying to sneak around to let her see our children. Lately shes been calling here so I told my husband that if she continues I will have our phone number changed and it will be unlisted. I feel bad for keeping my children from there grandma but she is not safe and totally does not grasp that her disease has effected us and I refuse to allow my children to see that side of a disease that there to young to understand. Am I doing the right thing?
You have to put the physical and emotional well being of  your children first.  It may also be helpful if you get out of the "disease" mindset.  She does not have a "disease" she has made the choice to be a drunk.  She has chosen her booze over her grandchildren, which shows how sorry a person she is. You, your husband, and your children deserve so much better.

 
September 18, 2006, 9:31 pm CDT

THANK YOU

Quote From: princess1

You have to put the physical and emotional well being of  your children first.  It may also be helpful if you get out of the "disease" mindset.  She does not have a "disease" she has made the choice to be a drunk.  She has chosen her booze over her grandchildren, which shows how sorry a person she is. You, your husband, and your children deserve so much better.

Thank you for replying to my message. I needed a little feedback on this issue from an outsider.
 
September 18, 2006, 9:33 pm CDT

Thank you

Quote From: parisfan

dude, ANY grandparent who risks their grandkids lives gets what they deserve.

my family had like the normal issues but i NEVER remember any of the the 'in-lawsl' wanting to hurt us grandkids. all they wanted to do was love us and spend time with us and respected the fact that no matter the difference between parents and them we came first.

keep your kids away from grandma. you really don't need stress like her around.
Thank you for replying to my message. I just needed a little reassurance from an outsider!
 
September 18, 2006, 9:43 pm CDT

Stay Strong

Quote From: mommyof2boys

My MIL crossed the line when she told my 5 year old son that his mommy was moving out. She told him I was getting my own house and that I was not going to be his mommy no more. That he was moving in with his NANA. I told her that was it and that we will have nothing to do with that family. My son was really confused he even went to his preschool and told his teacher that I was not his mommy no more. He told her his Nana told him so! My son has never ever said anything like this before. Well there was a time when he said that his Nana loved his cousin Emily more than him. My son is very smart and I feel that I am doing the right think by not letting his family into our lives. Am I right? Please I need Help!!!
I just wanted to let you know that for different reasons I keep my 3 boys away from my mother in law but you have got to do whats best for you're children!!! I feel you are right and JUSTIFIED in the choice you've made. STAY STRONG!
 
September 18, 2006, 10:40 pm CDT

You want to talk about in-laws crossing the line?

Both of my parents are serving time in prison for murdering their son-in-law, my brother-in-law. When they killed him (my father shot him three times with a rifle at close range), my younger sister, his wife, was 21 weeks pregnant with their child, a son. My father also kicked her in the stomach when she tried to grab the gun from him but the baby survived. I watched this murder happen in my own home, right before my eyes. It is something I will never forget even though it happened more than three years ago. My mother told the police officer after it happened that she and my dad took care of it, "The Sicilian way."

 
September 18, 2006, 10:50 pm CDT

Been there done that

I tried doing this the other night but I was not in the right screen, now I am I will try this again. Growing up I watched my parents go through this with my dad's mother.It divided our house into two camps with my dad and I on one side and my mother and my younger sister on the other. Thier marraige ended in divorce partly due to the fact my dad wouldn't stand up for my mother against his mother. He also wouldn't stand up for his mother against my mother. He always told me they had to figure it out for themselves he didn't want to be in the middle. This problem mostly stemmed from the fact my grandmother didn't want my parents to have more than one child,me; this created conflict between my sister and I that to this day makes it hard to be as close as we should be as sisters.

When my dad remarried he gained three more daughters and as you can imagine my grandmother was not happy, they are not my granddaughters but they wereand my sister and I had no problem telling her so which didn't make her happy especially with me. In the end about six months before she died she moved back down south and I told her I couldn't take her anymore badmouthing any of my sisters. We didn't leave on good terms but I did get to tell her about a month before she died that I loved her very much. The discourse she caused in our family was great. It tore one family apart and I didn't want it to tear our new one apart the same way. It wasn't fair for her to treat me so differently from the other girls.         Cinaplum13

 
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