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Topic : 03/21 When In-Laws Cross the Line

Number of Replies: 423
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Created on : Friday, September 15, 2006, 12:00:46 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 09/19/06) Bloody attacks, arrests, mug shots and undercover stings -- sounds like life in a rough part of town, but this is what happens when some in-law conflicts go too far! Maria and her 73-year-old mother-in-law, Catherine, came to blows over their disagreements, landing Maria in jail. Maria's husband, Ted, is tired of being in the middle and wants his mom to change her ways. Why does Catherine say it's not her fault? Can these women learn to drop their fists and get along? Then, follow a chilling true-crime story that made headlines across the nation and destroyed a family. Karen says her in-laws attempted to hire a hit man to kill her, her children and even the family dog, and the whole encounter was caught on tape! How can she and her children overcome this life-changing event? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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April 26, 2007, 7:12 am CDT

you need to understand...

Quote From: swchick

 You need to ask and answer this question - are you willing to ackowlege and accept boundaries set by your adult son with regard to smothering physical contact?   If you are not,  why not.

Because from where I sit,  your son has tried to tell you he doesn't like the physical squashing, and he wants to protect his child from overwhelming physical contact,  in part because he feels you have no respect for what somebody else might want or enjoy,  and only think of yourself.

Is it so important for you to express love in a way that gives pleasure to you, that you can't think of what gives pleasure to the person you supposedly care about?

He's been clear.  He doesn't like the sloppy huggy and squeezing.  You are insisting that YOU are unloved if you aren't allowed to cause him discomfort.   What's that all about?

that my son NEVER had a problem with me, his 18 aunts, his 18 uncles his grandparents, his cousins and his father hugging him and kissing him until he was married.  NEVER was there a time where he said 'stop'..'leave me alone', 'I am uncomfortable', etc.  NOT until he wa married...so..please do not be so quick to judge if you are not informed of the details...and.....from your tone in your response ...it sounds like YOU need a hug....{{{{{   }}}}}! 
 
May 24, 2007, 4:48 pm CDT

Yes Children do need their Grandparent(s)

Quote From: ladygem53

 

It is a PRIVILEGE for you to be allowed to be part of your grandchildrens lives not a RIGHT. Children NEED a safe, stable peaceful home with hopefully BOTH of their parents. Grandparents are the icing on the cake but in no way mandatory! What are you doing to EARN your place in their families and lives? Grandparents EARN the right to be part of their grandchildrens lives.

 

My parents never knew any of their grandparents and grew up just fine.... like the other lady said. You dont really miss what you havent had. Mine lived 8 hours away and saw them once a year. I talked to them several times a year and got gifts from them. I missed my bio father much more because he died when I was young. Grandparents arent even on the same radar screen! There was no resentment either for the choices my mother made about not moving back to be closer to our grandparents.  You are confusing your desires with your importance through overemphasizing.

 

Quoting when those children grow up and have their own family they should not hold old disagreements against their parents and not give the parents show how they can be positive grandparents. Why should they trust you around their children considering their own history and experience with you? You may not agree with their views but they have every right to them. All your children didn't come to the same conclusion about you as some kind of conspiracy together to distance from you. 

 

As Dr. Phil says "You can't change what your refuse to acknowledge." That's the first step. Its not an easy step but necessary.  TAKE SOME OWNERSHIP INSTEAD OF FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF.  It sounds like you are making a lot of excuses for your choices in raising your children.  

 

My sister is a single parent and her situation was very similar to yours. Why do you think her children stay in close contact and she is Grammy to all 7 of her grandchildren? Her ex paid $550.00 a month total for 4 children and she worked A LOT. All four kids went to Ivy League schools although if it were not for scholarships and financial aid plus help from grandparents none of it would have been possible.

 

Which is more important to your children........the things you provided them such as opportunities or your relationships with them? Ill tell you ........relationships.....with you.

 

Disagreements can be resolved. What have you done to make resolutions? To make amends? To make a new history with them? Do you expect to make excuses and for them to accept them without question just because that is what you want? Excuses and reasons mean NOTHING!  

 

You know that other saying Dr. Phil has about it one takes one negative or bad thing to change a child but it takes 1000 positive things for that same person to make up for the one bad  thing.

 

Quoting felkins4  - I send them gifts, however I never hear from my son or my daughter in-law if they liked what I sent them nor do they ever send any pictures of the girls to me.  I know how that feels! What I did was start writing a check in my nieces name to her youth group at church. I would send her a card letting her know what I did saying (sincerely) I knew how much her participation and work with them meant to her and I wished her lots of love and happy memories for the birthday or holiday. I also let her parents know what I was doing saying since I didnt know whether she liked any gifts sent to her in the past but still wanted to do something to let her know I was thinking of her with lotsof love and wanted to do something for her.

 

Another thing you can do is open accounts for your granddaughters for college for instance and just send them cards for birthdays and holidays letting them know what was added to the accounts and how much you love them.

 

Instead of defending yourself to them; LISTEN, LEARN, UNDERSTAND and RESPECT their positions. Then start down the long hard road of building and repairing through your ACTIONS for the relationships with them. They are evidently united in their feelings about you. Something youve earned by the decisions YOU made for which they had little or no control. OWN IT!  Until you take RESPONSIBILITY for your choices and decisions without defense or excuses nothing will begin to improve.

 

Quoting  -  Also when my children were still young I was a support mother to other new moms; being recommended by their pediatrician. That doctor wasnt living with you....... wasnt your kids....... and has nothing to do what kind of mother you were to your kids.  

 

Your children may be better parents without you around if for no other reason than the stress you bring to the situation. With your attitude, I would not be surprised if your children cant trust you not to be disruptive to their marriages also. If thats true,  they should not consider allowing you to influence their children.  Its up to the parents to decide if you being around is in the best interests of their children. If you truly have not only your grandchildrens but childrens best interest truly in mind.......... SHOW RESPECT for their decisions and the REASONS why those decisions have been made.  

 

Begin a new history with them today. 

 

  

I will have you know I was a good mother not a perfect mother, but a good mother.  I was very much involved in my children lives as well as worked and went to college.  And all four of my children went to college and they all got very good jobs.

And for the son I have been trying to be reunited with was just killed just north of Baghdad on April 6, 2007.  So you need to understand that a mother, if she really loves her children and their families will never give up on being reunited at any cost.

So I would like for you reread your message to me and if you though you were being helpful you were to negative to help anyone.  As the old saying goes "you catch more flies with honey than vinegar".  I also want you to know I was and am very proud of my son and very sadden we will not be reunited here on earth, however, I know we will meet in Heaven Some Sweet Day and I will look toward that day now.

 
July 27, 2007, 11:07 pm CDT

My mother is that in-law

I have had problems with my mom the day that My husband and I decided to get married, which will be five years in december.  She has meddled, blamed, accused and put her nose in places that it does not belong too many times.  I have tried to be patient and remain hopeful that she will change and get over what has happened in the past.  We even gone so far to move into her house under an agreement that we would help her out with financials and maintenance due to her worsening health problems.  But we came out of it suffering.  When we decided that the best thing was to move out only 7 months later, she blamed us for not doing our sharevand taking advatage of her.  We did more than what was agreed upon in the beginning.  She got so upset that she pretty much cursed my husband and I and spoke to our daughters very strongly.  (By the way they are only 4 and 2 &1/2).  That crossed the line.  and since then I have not spoken to her. 

She has turned into the mother that I wish I never had.  She still calls me upto 5-7 times  a day, and thinks that I am ignoring her when I am either at work or taking care of my own family.  She fails to see that I have my own life now that she cannot control.

I look at other daughters with their mothers and wish that I had 1 percent of what they do relationship wise.  I have tried so many times to be her friend, but everytime I do I get burned.  So I am done.  We have had many arguments these past few months and I have called it quits.  I am through with putting myself out there for her. 

I also want to say that all daughters that have a mom that you can be a friend with or have potential to be a friend with . . . .Cherish it for me.  You have no Idea how fortunate you are to have a friend like that.  I wish I did.

 
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