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Topic : 03/21 When In-Laws Cross the Line

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Created on : Friday, September 15, 2006, 12:00:46 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 09/19/06) Bloody attacks, arrests, mug shots and undercover stings -- sounds like life in a rough part of town, but this is what happens when some in-law conflicts go too far! Maria and her 73-year-old mother-in-law, Catherine, came to blows over their disagreements, landing Maria in jail. Maria's husband, Ted, is tired of being in the middle and wants his mom to change her ways. Why does Catherine say it's not her fault? Can these women learn to drop their fists and get along? Then, follow a chilling true-crime story that made headlines across the nation and destroyed a family. Karen says her in-laws attempted to hire a hit man to kill her, her children and even the family dog, and the whole encounter was caught on tape! How can she and her children overcome this life-changing event? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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September 16, 2006, 6:13 pm CDT

When In-Laws Become Out-Laws

I want to extend hope to anyone out there who has trouble with their in-laws.  I had problems with my father-in-law as did my sister-in-law.  However, I came out differently than she did, and depending on how each person looks at it, I feel I came out more fortunate than she.  MY husband stood by MY side and hers (my husbands brother) did not stand by her side.  There were issues of their father "overstepping his bounds" with us and our comfort levels when it came to what my therapist called "sexual harrassment."  I didn't know or realize it was considered "sexual harrassment until my therapist told me that ANYTHING that makes ME feel uncomfortable is just that, SEXUAL HARRASSMENT.  So I hope anyone reading this who has a question be it from a father in law or anyone of the opposite sex will be helped.  Anyway....I hope you and your spouse can find a common ground and make things work, because the one thing that has been tough is that our children miss their grandma.  AND I MISS HER TOO, she and I had an awsome, one of a kind  mother in law/daughter in law relationship.  One like no other.  I shared things with her I didn't share with my own mother, we did our nails together, we talked about hair care together.  I MISS HER, however, she made a decision to stand by her man.  And for that her son, myself, and our children do not have her in our life.  Someday I hope that will change, but until then, we keep her in our prayers.  GOOD LUCK TO THOSE WHO HAVE IN LAW ISSUES.  Don't let it come between you and your spouse and ruin your marriage.  STAND UP FOR YOURSELVES.  My husband did, and we are married 15 years strong!
 
September 16, 2006, 6:26 pm CDT

09/19 When In-Laws Cross the Line

Why do we always see bad in-law problems?  I have two grown sons  and both of my daughter-in-laws are terrific!!   We have a great relationship.  I have one that lives down  the street  from me with 2 daughters - 3 1/2 and 16 months - both adopted from China -I was invited to go to China with them to pick up the last one.  I love going to see my other two granddaughters - 5 1/2 and 7 1/2 who live out of town.

 

I try to babysit at least once a month  on a weekend night so that my son and his wife can have some quality time together.  

 
September 16, 2006, 9:08 pm CDT

God Bless You All

Quote From: redhotz

I want to extend hope to anyone out there who has trouble with their in-laws.  I had problems with my father-in-law as did my sister-in-law.  However, I came out differently than she did, and depending on how each person looks at it, I feel I came out more fortunate than she.  MY husband stood by MY side and hers (my husbands brother) did not stand by her side.  There were issues of their father "overstepping his bounds" with us and our comfort levels when it came to what my therapist called "sexual harrassment."  I didn't know or realize it was considered "sexual harrassment until my therapist told me that ANYTHING that makes ME feel uncomfortable is just that, SEXUAL HARRASSMENT.  So I hope anyone reading this who has a question be it from a father in law or anyone of the opposite sex will be helped.  Anyway....I hope you and your spouse can find a common ground and make things work, because the one thing that has been tough is that our children miss their grandma.  AND I MISS HER TOO, she and I had an awsome, one of a kind  mother in law/daughter in law relationship.  One like no other.  I shared things with her I didn't share with my own mother, we did our nails together, we talked about hair care together.  I MISS HER, however, she made a decision to stand by her man.  And for that her son, myself, and our children do not have her in our life.  Someday I hope that will change, but until then, we keep her in our prayers.  GOOD LUCK TO THOSE WHO HAVE IN LAW ISSUES.  Don't let it come between you and your spouse and ruin your marriage.  STAND UP FOR YOURSELVES.  My husband did, and we are married 15 years strong!

 

   All I have to say to the butt in law problem is parents back off and support from a distance you will get much better results from your children.

 

  To the married couples...STAND TOGETHER regardless...of "how much you may love mommie" or Daddy's little girl...grow up, be an adult and resposible for your own families.

 

   When my boyfriend (which because we lived in Texas was my husband) said he would take his mothers side if things came down to fist to cuffs when we were watching a DR.PHIL show years ago.....I knew I was in trouble...When we moved up  here to Chicago..the womans verbal abuse of me assisted to send me into a downward spiral in my alcoholism...THANK GOD...I hit bottom left him and am 2 1/2 years clean...she drove him in the same direction and now he is almost 1 year clean and we are best of friends....however.....the 3 of us are NEVER EVER in the same place together for the SECURITY OF MY SANITY AND SOBERITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                           Remember.....You and your family first!!!!

 
September 16, 2006, 9:19 pm CDT

Growing up I watched my parents go through this with my grandmother on my Dad's side of the family nothing my mother did was good enough for her. It divided our family into two camps , my Dad and I on the one side and my Mom and my younger sister on the

 
September 16, 2006, 9:37 pm CDT

in-laws

Quote From: bjikester

Why do we always see bad in-law problems?  I have two grown sons  and both of my daughter-in-laws are terrific!!   We have a great relationship.  I have one that lives down  the street  from me with 2 daughters - 3 1/2 and 16 months - both adopted from China -I was invited to go to China with them to pick up the last one.  I love going to see my other two granddaughters - 5 1/2 and 7 1/2 who live out of town.

 

I try to babysit at least once a month  on a weekend night so that my son and his wife can have some quality time together.  

       i think your great. my mom-in-law lives in another counrty. im glad when she comes to visit, she great like you thank GOD. were great together. i hope everyone could have that. i thank some people don't have a life so they have to be in someone else. i think Dr. Phil can help then.
 
September 17, 2006, 6:15 am CDT

When a

For as long as my husband and I have been married, my inlaws have made it perfectly clear that they belive that their son didn't make the "best choice" when he asked me to marry him.  I am older than him, was a single mother (in every sense of the word), and though I had a wonderful career (made nearly twice as he did), the belief was that I was looking for a father for my daughter and someone to take care of us.  For the first 5 years I tolerated the little comments here and the little comments there that I would overhear not only my husband's parents say, but eventually the extended family!  To me, I was secure in myself and our relationship to know  it was simply their personal opinion (ignorant as it was) and I refused to let it affect our marriage.  My husband is too good a guy to put him under that type of stress. HOWEVER, after not being around family for a couple of moths due to personal reasons, we decided together to share with his parents that I had been pregnant and lost the baby at approximately 15 weeks.  My father-in-laws comment was "That's the best thing that could have happened - you've done enough to my son.  That baby dying was the blessing." or something of the sort.  His mother said nothing.  My husband responded, "You don't mean that." to which my father-in-law responded, "Yes I do! You have enough responsibility and stress in your life taking care of her and her daughter, why would you add more."  I was overwhelmed with so many emotions that I couldn't t even express and I chose to say nothing (until we got into the car).  His father than said, "I'd never accept that child as my grandchild just like Alexandra (my daughter) will never really be our grandchild."  At that point I stood up and stated i was leaving.  As he continued to state his poin and enjoying haring his own voicet, I could not hold in the "Italian" in me, looked him straigt in the eyes and said, "You're dead to me.....(kissed my fingers and raised them upward and ended with), from my lips to God's ears!" and walked out.  Though it wasn't easy, my faith teaches forgiveness and though my husband needed a refresher course with our Pastor regarding marriage vows, I'm happy to say all was resolved with time.  Forgiving doesn't mean that the offender is right or you accept what they are sayiing, it just means that life is short and when it is not just about you, being able to forgive and move forward (in most cases) is the best thing to do for everyone involved.
 
September 17, 2006, 12:21 pm CDT

09/19 When In-Laws Cross the Line

Quote From: nic_usa

For as long as my husband and I have been married, my inlaws have made it perfectly clear that they belive that their son didn't make the "best choice" when he asked me to marry him.  I am older than him, was a single mother (in every sense of the word), and though I had a wonderful career (made nearly twice as he did), the belief was that I was looking for a father for my daughter and someone to take care of us.  For the first 5 years I tolerated the little comments here and the little comments there that I would overhear not only my husband's parents say, but eventually the extended family!  To me, I was secure in myself and our relationship to know  it was simply their personal opinion (ignorant as it was) and I refused to let it affect our marriage.  My husband is too good a guy to put him under that type of stress. HOWEVER, after not being around family for a couple of moths due to personal reasons, we decided together to share with his parents that I had been pregnant and lost the baby at approximately 15 weeks.  My father-in-laws comment was "That's the best thing that could have happened - you've done enough to my son.  That baby dying was the blessing." or something of the sort.  His mother said nothing.  My husband responded, "You don't mean that." to which my father-in-law responded, "Yes I do! You have enough responsibility and stress in your life taking care of her and her daughter, why would you add more."  I was overwhelmed with so many emotions that I couldn't t even express and I chose to say nothing (until we got into the car).  His father than said, "I'd never accept that child as my grandchild just like Alexandra (my daughter) will never really be our grandchild."  At that point I stood up and stated i was leaving.  As he continued to state his poin and enjoying haring his own voicet, I could not hold in the "Italian" in me, looked him straigt in the eyes and said, "You're dead to me.....(kissed my fingers and raised them upward and ended with), from my lips to God's ears!" and walked out.  Though it wasn't easy, my faith teaches forgiveness and though my husband needed a refresher course with our Pastor regarding marriage vows, I'm happy to say all was resolved with time.  Forgiving doesn't mean that the offender is right or you accept what they are sayiing, it just means that life is short and when it is not just about you, being able to forgive and move forward (in most cases) is the best thing to do for everyone involved.

That is just awful! I am sorry to hear that. I hoep you can try again and bless oyur family with a beautiful baby! Let the inlaws eat their words when it does happen.

 

          You are a good person cause I would haveb een nasty to them with their comments.

 
September 17, 2006, 1:49 pm CDT

Wondering about people!

Quote From: swissmickey

 

   All I have to say to the butt in law problem is parents back off and support from a distance you will get much better results from your children.

 

  To the married couples...STAND TOGETHER regardless...of "how much you may love mommie" or Daddy's little girl...grow up, be an adult and resposible for your own families.

 

   When my boyfriend (which because we lived in Texas was my husband) said he would take his mothers side if things came down to fist to cuffs when we were watching a DR.PHIL show years ago.....I knew I was in trouble...When we moved up  here to Chicago..the womans verbal abuse of me assisted to send me into a downward spiral in my alcoholism...THANK GOD...I hit bottom left him and am 2 1/2 years clean...she drove him in the same direction and now he is almost 1 year clean and we are best of friends....however.....the 3 of us are NEVER EVER in the same place together for the SECURITY OF MY SANITY AND SOBERITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                           Remember.....You and your family first!!!!

My daughter just had a baby one week ago and his parents keep calling me asking what are their plans, where are they going.  You know, I do believe that if they needed to know I do believe my daughter and her boyfriend would tell them.  Now they know my phone number and email and will not leave me alone.  Both father and mother have asked me, when are they going to have the baby christen?  FOR GOT SAKES, THE BABY IS JUST ONE WEEK OLD!

 

 
September 17, 2006, 10:12 pm CDT

09/19 When In-Laws Cross the Line

I'm new to the message board never wrote in one before but this topic struck a nerve with me. I guess you can say I need a little feedback in knowing if I'm making the write choices for my family. I'll start by saying that until the beginning of this year (2006) I've had a great relationship with my in laws. In two years time my husband and I have had 2 children and we also have an 8 year old. My problem started last January with my mother in law. She had been babysitting our children for a few years and I appreciated her for that. However she crossed the lines when she didn't want to follow our rules for our children. I caught her numerous times driving around without my babies in their car seats. She would allow the older child and his cousins to completely walk all over her and disrespect her. I corrected my child but the other childrens parents seem to not care. She really crossed the line in January when she stopped at my house and wanted my oldest child to go shopping with her. I told her and my son no. There were 2 reasons for that 1) She had been drinking. Shes an alcoholic and 2) my child was told he could not go shopping with her until he knew how to respect other people especially in public places. He had been really disrespectful shopping a few weeks earlier with grandma. My son got mad and walked out of the house. I told him that when he was finished cooling off he could sit on our front steps and wait for his dad to get home. He was do home anytime. She ( the grandma) left my house and drove down the rode and picked him up. She took him shopping with her. I was TICKED because she completely just ignored me. Well things got patched up by mid march and I allowed her to start seeing the children again. But I had very clearly let her know that she had to respect the way we were choosing to raise our children. She knew our rules and she abided by them for awhile but things just got worse. One of our rules was that she had to make an honest effort to seek help for her drinking. We understood that there would be set backs I made our home open to her as long as she was not drinking day or night she was welcome. She was also told that she was not able to travel with our children.  Not only does she have an alcohol problem but she also has had many health problems and is on numerous medications that counteract with the alcohol.  In late june one of our cars broke down and my husband and I wanted to have it towed so we asked her if she would take our oldest to his baseball game and we would meet her there. When we got there  it was apparent to us she had been drinking. So she drove with our son knowing we'd find out. You could smell it on her. We got that worked out and not soon after that she screwd up BIG TIME. At the end of July she came to my house I was not home but my children and husband were. I walked into my house and walked into the room that my husband and her were in and walked straight out because I knew all ready by the smell she was drunk. My husband told her to leave. She left but called later to see if we would pick her up to go to a local festival since we had already had plans to do that. We went to her house to pick her up and she said she couldn't find her purse so after waiting for about 5 minutes my husband said lets just go without her. I left having a relief feeling thinking she was way to drunk to drive herself up there so we would have a relaxing night. Boy was I wrong she showed up . I really don't know how she got there without killing herself or an innocent person but she did. That is the night that she broke the camels back. She went up to get some beer ( it was a polka fest with German Food and Beer) By the time she got back I had moved myself and children right along the dance floor so she would hopefully get the drift. I had already told my husband to tell her to leave but he didn't. So as she came back she was standing right beside me so I got up and looked her directly in the eye and told her to not bother with calling my house no more or contacting my children. By this time my husband has stood up and is wondering whats going on. She asked me why it was ok for me to drink but not her. I told her i was not having that discussion there but she kept yelling that question out so I yelled at her back that I was not the alcoholic she was. She didn't like that so she smacked me and tried to throw more hits but my husband stepped in and grabbed her by the neck. She did this with her grandchildren right there. So at this point alot more has gone on to much to mention but I have cut all access to my children to there grandma, I do not speak with her I have changed all of our email addresses so she has to go by the rules now. My husband very rarely talks to her and I'm sure she thinks its because of me but he knows I would never make him choose between me or his family. He is just respecting the fact that I don't want them on my property or calling my home or trying to sneak around to let her see our children. Lately shes been calling here so I told my husband that if she continues I will have our phone number changed and it will be unlisted. I feel bad for keeping my children from there grandma but she is not safe and totally does not grasp that her disease has effected us and I refuse to allow my children to see that side of a disease that there to young to understand. Am I doing the right thing?
 
September 18, 2006, 8:03 am CDT

09/19 When In-Laws Cross the Line

Quote From: needhelp4

       i think your great. my mom-in-law lives in another counrty. im glad when she comes to visit, she great like you thank GOD. were great together. i hope everyone could have that. i thank some people don't have a life so they have to be in someone else. i think Dr. Phil can help then.
There are some wonderful mother-in laws out there. But it's been my experience that many of mother-in-laws need to drop there expectation about the spouse their son or daughter married and just learn to become friends. Happy for you. My mother-in-law created a few challenges initially but she's ok and means well.
 
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